Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Nurturing that little girl

So, therapy continues to be interesting.  We've still been working with the different parts inside my mind and the roles they play (and the roles they THINK they're playing) and I'll be honest, it still kind of freaks me out sometimes.  I feel weird imaging and talking to all these different "parts."  But, we've discovered something.  After working with several different parts, we have discovered the "little girl" in me, and a lot of the parts seem to think they're supposed to be protecting her.

This little girl is terrified, and she's alone.  She's trying to protect herself, which is when a lot of these parts have developed, and they work hard to protect her.  One of the exercises I was supposed to work on one week, was just to try to comfort and nurture that little girl.  Give her a hug, let her know she's not alone and doesn't need to be scared anymore.  But every time I tried to get near her to try to comfort her, all those parts became active again.  The depressed part, that raging storm outside the house, would be begin to destroy anything and anyone that tried to get near the house.  The little girl would hide in a corner, protected by my scared, lonely, controlling, and dark parts in particular.  She's still scared.  She's scared of the things outside her bedroom door, she doesn't want to keep getting hurt.  She's trying to protect herself from the bullies when she was younger, from the hurtful comments that even the people closest to her, and were supposed to love her most, made all the time, from the actions of others that terrified her to hiding in her bedroom curled in a ball sobbing, not knowing how to deal with it.  She's protecting herself from the "friends" that destroyed her, from the feelings of worthlessness and not feeling good enough all of her life.  She's created this protective bubble and won't let anyone or anything near it.  Not even me.  She just keeps hiding.  She's still terrified.  She still feels completely alone.  She's still hiding in a corner in her bedroom sobbing.

It's been really hard to handle, honestly.  Whenever I try to hug her and let her know she's not alone and doesn't have to be afraid anymore, all those parts start to become very active again, even if I had managed to keep them calm for a little bit.  The parts that are most difficult to deal with are the depressed and dark parts.  Those parts become active, and all of a sudden I'm back to sobbing and not being able to get out of bed, I'm keeping a distance from people and shutting down, I'm struggling to not self-harm and fighting suicidal thoughts.  And then that little girl just starts feeling worse.  It's been quite a battle.  While everything that we've been doing in therapy is good, it has also been very hard.  I'm trying to find ways to slowly approach this little girl, to help her see me and trust me so that I can get close enough to nurture and comfort her because there was no one to nurture or comfort her ever before.

As weird as all the "parts" stuff is, it's helped me become a little more self-aware and present, it allows me to step back from everything and try to see and understand what is going on and to "talk" to these parts so that they can also understand what is going on and that maybe sometimes they just need to step back a little bit.  In all seriousness, if you have not seen the movie "Inside Out", you should see it, the whole "parts" thing will probably make more sense after that.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Parts Therapy: Finding Worth

Therapy has been...interesting lately, to say the least.  This "parts" therapy is kind of weird to get used too.  It starts off with a breathing exercise to kind of "center" myself.  Then I'm asked to visualize some of the parts we've identified.  The first session we really did this, we started off with the depressed part.  I've always visualized my depression as a raging, threatening, thunderstorm with tornadoes.  I was supposed to visualize myself separate from the part, and we talked to it.  It was really kind of weird at first, I felt crazy, honestly.  As we've talked to some of my parts, we've discovered other parts in the background.  A lot of my parts seem to have some sort of connection to trying to keep me from getting hurt.  My depressed part tries to keep me from being around other people and situations, my self-critical part keeps me from trying to succeed because it's afraid of failing and not being good enough for the people around me, it also thinks that by repeatedly telling me I'm worthless that it'll hurt less when other people say it.  We discovered another part recently that we've been calling the "dark" part.  This part seems to collect all triggering images I've seen (like from movies and tv shows) and holds on to them, it's also where the suicidal thinking and self-harm seems to reside.  Then, in my darkest moments, it likes to bring them up because apparently it 1.) thinks it's helping my lonely part by trying to tell me I'm not alone in what I feel, and 2.) it feels it's protecting me by showing me a solution to how I feel.  The questions seems to think why does it that would be protecting me.  There's a quote I found quite some time ago by David Foster Wallace that I've used a few times to help explain how I feel, and I think that maybe this is the idea that this "dark" part has-
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

This "dark" part is more afraid  of the darkness (aka the flames).  Since starting therapy, and since my medication dosage increased, my okay days have increased, which I'm grateful for.  But I'm still having plenty of rough days and days.  Since talking to the dark part in therapy this week, it's actually been very active, and it's very difficult to deal with.

Besides all that, another big thing we've been working on is trying to find worth in myself.  My therapist had me visualize "letting go" of the thought that I am worthless, and find ways to replace it.  So I've been doing my best to focus on the positive things that my friends around me say.  I have a folder filled with cards and letters from friends and I've even written down some really sweet texts they've sent and I keep it all together for me to remind myself of often.  Now I'm trying to find the same worth in myself.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Inside Out

Well, I don't think it's too much of a secret that I've been having a really hard time.  There's not a whole lot to say about it in particular, but I decided I would update the blog with some stuff going on in therapy and other reflections.

First of all, I want to say thank you for all the love and support that was shown to me after my last post (if you haven't read it yet, you can do so here (if you're interested: http://mymentalhealthmatters.blogspot.com/2015/12/battle-wounds.html)  I was really scared to write that post and even more scared to share it.  Again, I'm so thankful for the love and support I felt after I shared it; you have no idea what it meant to me.

So, my therapist decided to switch things up a little bit.  First of all, the week before, she had me do some more assessments.  She said she was getting some training that weekend in these particular assessments so she wanted me to do them so she could score them after her training.  She said that the results weren't what she expected and that I underscored with the validity of it.  (I guess my score was basically showing because of the underscore, that my answers may not have been valid.)  This was a 136 question assessment, that I actually had a hard time taking.  It asked about different feelings/symptoms (both emotional and physical) and you were supposed to responded with how often you felt it:  never, occasionally, often, or always (or something along those lines.)  The reason why I have a hard time with these kinds of assessments is because, with a few exceptions, I would answer just about every answer with "always", I feel like those feelings, both emotional and physical, are always on and at 100% intensity.  However, there are a few times that I feel a small relief from some of those symptoms, and so maybe for a time the intensity drops from 100% to 90% or somewhere around there.  When I feel that way, I'm so grateful to have a little bit of a relief from it, that I misjudge how I'm feeling.  The week she had me take the assessment, I was feeling somewhat okay for a couple of days--- so when I'm answering the questions, I didn't feel like I should be put "always", so instead I would be occasionally or just often, even though technically, I should have put a higher score.  I explained all this to her and she said that would definitely explain the underscoring.

So besides that, she decided to move away from the EMDR therapy we were doing.  She doesn't think I was responding well with it and that some of the results of the various traumas she identified, aren't so much affecting what I do, but creating reactions when things trigger the memory.  I don't know exactly, she didn't explain to much, she said that she wanted to try out the "parts therapy" for awhile.   I don't know it well enough to really explain what will be happening, but if you've seen "Inside Out", it's like that.  Apparently one of the big guys that came up with this theory/therapy was a big consultant on the movie.  It's an idea that our mind is composed of different "parts" (like joy, sadness, disgust, fear, and anger in the movie.)  and that each part is supposed to be helpful, but sometimes things get mixed up.

Anyways, so what we did last week, was try to identify some of the different parts in my mind.  She asked me a bunch of questions (like when do you feel most creative, courageous, compassionate, curious, calm, connected etc etc) and then we talked about some parts that she thinks exist.  Some of the parts we came up with so far are:

  • Depressed
  • Anxious
  • Planner
  • Conflict Avoidance
  • Analyzer
  • Self Critical
She also said there are "firefighters" in each of us.  Basically, the fire fighters are the things we do when things just get too overwhelming and hard to deal with, the things we do to try to survive.  We pointed out that my fire fighters are self harm, binge eating, and staying in bed.

Supposedly, each of these parts think they're doing something to protect me.  I asked what in the world my depression part could be doing that it thinks it's protecting me and she pointed out that it can keep me away from people and situations, which I guess makes the part think it's protecting me.  Like I said, I'm still a little hazy on some details here or where we go from here.  It'll be interesting to see where things go from here and how it works and see if/how it helps.  I don't have therapy this week because of her holiday schedule, so I'll be back next week.

An another note, there are have been a few things that I think are feeding in to me having a particularly hard time.  One of them has made me realize something-  as much as an apartment to myself may be ideal for someone my age, it's not a good idea for me; at least not anytime soon.  With everyone gone for Christmas and busy with family and friends and such, there are days that I barely see or talk to anyone (even at work, we're so slow that I don't even see any guests.)  I already struggle with trying to not to shut myself down (meaning that I PURPOSELY don't see or talk to anyone, I avoid my phone, barely leave my room or apartment, etc.)  It's not an easy fight and there are plenty of days I lose and I do shut myself down, but I try incredibly hard not too.  When I'm in a situation where it's basically impossible to *avoid* that exact situation, not only does it cause me to have a hard time, but it makes it harder not to purposely shut down.  So, as much as I like to avoid people sometimes, I'm definitely seeing the toll it's having on me.

There's another set of feelings that I'm struggling with lately.  Almost every year around my birthday and around the new year, I often struggle with a lot of suicidal feelings.  It has nothing to do with getting older, or looking back with regret or anything like that.  The feelings stem from anger and frustration of dealing with this black hole of depression.  During those times of the year where it's fairly normal to "look back on" or "look forward to" things, I begin to feel incredibly desperate for relief from the things I feel and battle with and can often only see one way out.  It's incredibly hard to fight those feelings and urges and even harder to try to reach out to some body when I'm feeling it.  Often I'll try to reach out to someone without specifically mentioning what's going on, just to "connect" with someone, or see if there's something that someone else needs that I can help with.  I also use other resources like crisis chats online.  I really hate talking on the phone (with 2 or 3 random exceptions), so calling a hotline is often of the question for me, but I've found some good crisis chats online that have been helpful in the past.  For now I'm still fighting.  I'm not gonna lie, I don't really want too, but I know I'm supposed too.  :'(  It's hard, it takes all my energy, strength and motivation, which makes it hard to gather up energy or motivation to do anything else, like get out of bed or do school work.  Some days I am literally talking it half an hour at a time because that's all I can manage.  I'm grateful to the support I have and the friends that I know I can reach out too (whether I'm specific about things or not.)  I really do love all you guys.

I think since sharing this blog, I've opened up my support system a little bit and I think I've helped a few people understand things a  little bit better.  A couple of people have also mentioned that they have felt similar symptoms or feelings, though it may not be as severe.  Let me tell you something, it doesn't matter if it's not as "severe", it's still a big deal!  I definitely recommend getting in to your doctor or finding a psychiatrist who may be able to help.  The typical length of time that they measure by to determine if something is depression is 2 weeks.  There is a quick assessment on WebMD that can help you decide if you should go to your doctor (http://www.webmd.com/depression/depression-assessment/default.htm)  You shouldn't self-diagnosis yourself, but it conveniently puts together common symptoms of depression just to help you determine if something is up.  PLEASE- especially if it's something that's been going on for awhile, please try to get some help.  It is ssooo important.


Also, here are some other links/information to the chats and such I mentioned earlier if anyone needs them-
Suicide Hotline-  1-800-273-8255  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Online Chats-

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

New Hope

I had my 2nd session with my new therapist today.  Despite it only being the second session, I can already tell a huge difference between her and my old therapist and I'm so grateful.  Like I mentioned last time, my old therapist never sat down with me to set goals or a treatment plan.  For the most part, it was just me talking, not that that was necessarily a bad thing, but it was definitely missing a lot.

So today my therapist introduced me to some trauma therapy techniques she wants to do with me.  She wants to try both and then see which one seems to have more effect and go with that one.

So the first one is EMDR- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing"  It has to do with bilateral sensory input and our brains ability to work through things and cope with things.  The therapy involves the therapist doing something to initiate the bilateral input, such as moving her fingers back and forth in front of my face, using musical tones, foot or hand tapping etc etc.  The device she uses stimulates vibration in these little devices that I hold in my hand and the vibration goes back and forth between each hand.  Then I recall a distressing event while my therapist acts as a guide and slowly guides me to more positive thinking.  It's supposed to help lessen my emotional response to triggers and better cope with things.

The other therapy is called "Parts" and from what I understand it's close to cognitive behavior therapy.  It will retrain my brain to change how I think/feel about myself.  Just because other people have made me a certain way, doesn't mean it's true, so the goal is to teach my brain to see this.

I'm not saying that my depression will ever COMPLETELY go away, but for probably the first time ever, I have a teeny, tiny, minuscule amount of hope that maybe it won't be as unbearable as it is now, and this feeling is very new to me.


http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it

Friday, November 13, 2015

New therapist---New plan

This blog is still something I'm unsure about, but something keeps telling me I just need to do it.  Much like the night I decided to set it up, apparently, there is some reason for me to do this blog, whether for me, or someone else (or both.)  I keep telling myself there are certain topics that I'm not going to bring up in here, but the impression I keep receiving is "No, you need to talk about those too, openly and honestly."  Those posts will take some time to write, but apparently I'll be writing those too :-/  Anyways...on to today---


Today I saw a new therapist.

Therapy has never been easy for me, and I've been in and out of therapy a lot of my life.  When I was younger (around 6th grade), my parents took me a psychologist for awhile, but I really didn't like him.  After awhile, I just stopped opening up during our sessions until he told my mom I didn't need to come anymore.  (At the time I thought I fooled him, looking back, it's more likely he saw what I was doing and realized it wasn't worth my parents time or money if I wasn't going to open up.)

Sometime in middle school (or early high school), supposedly my mom took me to see some person but I refused to talk and so the woman told my mom it wasn't worth it or something.  (I have no memory of this happening.)

Then, a few years ago, I finally decided to start on my own.  I really liked the first therapist I saw so I stuck with her.  Eventually, she was on maternity leave so I stopped seeing anyone until she came back.  When she came back, she had a limited schedule so I could only see her every so often.  Then there issues of being able to afford it, and insurance change with my moms job so it wasn't covered, then it all switched again so it was.  It's basically been a huge roller coaster.

A couple of months ago, I started toying with the thought of switching therapists.  While I loved my current therapist, I just didn't feel like I was really getting anything from it.  I mean, I would go in and talk, and that was good and all, but I didn't feel like I was working towards anything.  Then I turned 26 and lost my insurance coverage under my parents and my new insurance coverage wasn't accepted at her office anymore.  I could still see her, but the self-pay rate was $75, it didn't really seem worth it if I felt like it wasn't going anywhere.  So, it seemed like the choice was made, I was switching therapists.

I took the list of people who were covered, and started doing some research into who I might fit best with.  I narrowed it down to 6 and a close friend of mine gave some thoughts/input and I narrowed it down to 3.  I picked the one of the three that seemed the best fit and I made an appointment, which was this morning.  I was terrified.  I really didn't want to go, I didn't want to have rehash everything from my past, but I knew I would have to because it's stuff that still affects me, so to understand where I am now, it would be necessary to go through all that again.  In addition, there was a particular issue I was scared about being honest about (in theory, there will be a blog post about it eventually, it'll be one of the hardest ones I write.)  My old therapist was very caring/compassionate and understanding about it, and I needed that; but I have read horror stories from some of the support forums I'm on from other people and their therapists on this particular issue, so I was really scared.  Thankfully, I was able to make an appointment for just after work, and her office is literally right across the street from work (the hotel street number is 2215, her street number is 2214.) so I didn't have a lot of time to try to talk myself out of it.

I have to say, I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing.  The therapist is very nice.  Of course the first appointment was filled with questions about what I struggle with and experience and my past.  She asked about my family, schooling, work, support system, feelings, events etc etc.  She gave me assessments for anxiety and depression to fill out.  She diagnosed me with severe depression (which I've already been diagnosed with) and she specified my anxiety diagnosis a little more and diagnosed me with panic disorder.  She also explained a little bit about why I experience those feelings of distorted reality and disconnect when I have panic attacks.  She also noticed a possible connection between an incident that occurred when I was in 2nd grade and when I started experiencing anxiety/panic attacks.  She was also very understanding about the particular issue that I was scared about being honest about.  Then we sat down and kind of set up a treatment plan and some goals I want to achieve (something that my old therapist never did.)  Before I left, she said I was a fresh of breath air because apparently she doesn't have a lot of clients who actually have or want goals, they just come in and complain, but I walked in wanting to be able to make goals.  (What is the point of therapy if I'm not going to work towards anything?)

Anyways, I'm going to be seeing her every week for awhile.  I like that she's right across the street from work.  My old therapist was almost out in Boalsburg, so it was kind of annoying to get too.  I hope things continue to go well with her, we'll have to see, but things look good.

Thank you to those who encouraged me the past few weeks to keep my appointment and supported me in going, I appreciate it.