Nurturing that little girl

So, therapy continues to be interesting.  We've still been working with the different parts inside my mind and the roles they play (and the roles they THINK they're playing) and I'll be honest, it still kind of freaks me out sometimes.  I feel weird imaging and talking to all these different "parts."  But, we've discovered something.  After working with several different parts, we have discovered the "little girl" in me, and a lot of the parts seem to think they're supposed to be protecting her.

This little girl is terrified, and she's alone.  She's trying to protect herself, which is when a lot of these parts have developed, and they work hard to protect her.  One of the exercises I was supposed to work on one week, was just to try to comfort and nurture that little girl.  Give her a hug, let her know she's not alone and doesn't need to be scared anymore.  But every time I tried to get near her to try to comfort her, all those parts became active again.  The depressed part, that raging storm outside the house, would be begin to destroy anything and anyone that tried to get near the house.  The little girl would hide in a corner, protected by my scared, lonely, controlling, and dark parts in particular.  She's still scared.  She's scared of the things outside her bedroom door, she doesn't want to keep getting hurt.  She's trying to protect herself from the bullies when she was younger, from the hurtful comments that even the people closest to her, and were supposed to love her most, made all the time, from the actions of others that terrified her to hiding in her bedroom curled in a ball sobbing, not knowing how to deal with it.  She's protecting herself from the "friends" that destroyed her, from the feelings of worthlessness and not feeling good enough all of her life.  She's created this protective bubble and won't let anyone or anything near it.  Not even me.  She just keeps hiding.  She's still terrified.  She still feels completely alone.  She's still hiding in a corner in her bedroom sobbing.

It's been really hard to handle, honestly.  Whenever I try to hug her and let her know she's not alone and doesn't have to be afraid anymore, all those parts start to become very active again, even if I had managed to keep them calm for a little bit.  The parts that are most difficult to deal with are the depressed and dark parts.  Those parts become active, and all of a sudden I'm back to sobbing and not being able to get out of bed, I'm keeping a distance from people and shutting down, I'm struggling to not self-harm and fighting suicidal thoughts.  And then that little girl just starts feeling worse.  It's been quite a battle.  While everything that we've been doing in therapy is good, it has also been very hard.  I'm trying to find ways to slowly approach this little girl, to help her see me and trust me so that I can get close enough to nurture and comfort her because there was no one to nurture or comfort her ever before.

As weird as all the "parts" stuff is, it's helped me become a little more self-aware and present, it allows me to step back from everything and try to see and understand what is going on and to "talk" to these parts so that they can also understand what is going on and that maybe sometimes they just need to step back a little bit.  In all seriousness, if you have not seen the movie "Inside Out", you should see it, the whole "parts" thing will probably make more sense after that.