A Breakthrough

So, there seems to have been a little bit of a breakthrough with things.  As many of you know, I've been talking about this "heaviness" and "darkness" that have plagued me, even though everything has been fine, and it's been incredibly frustrating.  Well, my therapist and a colleague or hers had this new theory and so they were going to try something new in therapy.

This theory sort of sounds a little silly, but bear with me.  So my therapist's colleague was calling it a "critter."  Her theory was that this "critter" creeped into my system when I was hurt and broken and just grew and grew, mostly absorbing any negative energy that was around me.  It also turns out that my self-harm part and suicidal part were inviting it in, but not consciously.  Both those parts have been around so long, they don't know what to do if that heaviness and darkness weren't there.  They also felt like I wanted to get rid of them, so I guess they kind of freaked out.  Which, to be far, I did want to get rid of them, but my therapist said I have to look at it a different way.  I have to accept that it's always going to have a place, and that it played a huge role in who I've become, but it doesn't need to actively work so hard. 

So in therapy, we worked on "expelling" this negative energy.  I had to do all these exercises to get those parts to let go of the heaviness and darkness and I had to expel it to the universe where it could be "cared for, but not get back into my system."  After we did this, I genuinely could feel a difference.  When I walked into therapy that day, the heaviness was at a 5ish, when I was done, it was more like 2 or even 1.  This isn't a "one and done" deal.  Anytime this negative energy tries to creep back in, I'm going to have to do some exercises to expel it.  And my self-harm and suicidal parts are so used to having to work so hard, they don't really know what to do.  Today, I felt better than I have for a long, long, time; probably ever actually.  It was a little tiring, I'm not used to feeling like that, so I had a lot of energy.  Those self-harm/suicidal parts/thoughts are still there a little bit, but they're there out of habit, and slowly, they should be less present.  I was feeling good at work today and was sharing some of this with one of my managers and he took a minute and celebrated with me and it felt nice lol.  Not just that I felt good, but that I've had managers who have been so supportive and caring that they celebrate in my victories with me.

Something else happened recently that was a HUGE step for me.  The Front Desk Manager position at our property recently became vacant.  As soon as I knew what happened, I immediately logged into my google account at work (I keep my resume on my google drive) and printed my resume.  I went back to my manager and handed it to her and said I wanted to be considered for the replacement.  She said they weren't going to be posting/filling the position for a little while until some other things settle down first, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I was going to lose my nerve.  I never put myself out there like that.  I've never had the confidence to do something like that either.  Every day I work, I try to take on some more responsibilities.  I've already started doing several things the previous FD manager was doing, I figure the more I know and the more I'm already doing when they make the decision, the better my chances of getting it.  Then this weekend, I talked to both my general and assistant managers and I asked them, "If you had to fill the position today, what concerns would you have about giving me the job?"  They both gave me some feedback, there wasn't anything major they seemed concerned about, but gave me some helpful comments, and since they're not filling the position for awhile, I have some time to work on anything they're concerned about :-)  All of this was a HUGE thing for me.  My therapist was really impressed and I'm really proud.  Even if I don't get the job, I'm okay with it.  This was so much progress for me, that I don't care if I don't get it.  (I mean I do care, but I'm okay with whatever happens lol)

Struggling With My Faith

I didn't realize it had been so long since my last blog post.  Things have been really frustrating lately.  Externally, everything is fine.  School is coming along, slowly but surely.  Work is GREAT, and I love my managers and coworkers.  I've been steadily losing weight over the past year.  But I still have this "heaviness" and "darkness" that are making me feel like crap.  My therapist has a new theory as to what's causing it, so she has a new strategy we're going to be starting soon.  Truthfully, I'm pretty much willing to try just about anything.

Anyways, there's something else that's been on my mind- I've really been struggling with my faith recently.  My mind is kind of all over the place with this, so I just want to try to sort things out.  For awhile now, I have felt abandoned by Heavenly Father and my Savior.  I feel like all my prayers, my crying pleas, everything has gone unheard.  I was trying to do everything I'm "supposed" to be doing, but the heaviness and darkness doesn't go away.  I get that it's not something that is necessarily to get taken away from me, but all I need is just a little bit of comfort, and I don't even get that.  It's left me frustrated and angry, and slowly making choices that are pushing me farther from the church.  It's like it's 10-12 years ago all over again.

When I was at the branch, before I moved to the ward, I was feeling left out, uncomfortable, and unwelcome.  I started to feel like the ward was where I was supposed to be, so I moved. (I think I wrote about this in a previous blog post.)  But now, I don't know.  I knew going into the family ward, it was gonna be different- but I'm the ONLY one in my current situation.  Meaning I'm the only single there that I know of; everyone else is married, most have kids, or are elderly singe.  So I'm stuck feeling left out again.  Then, between me being new, and the ward boundaries changing, no one even knows, notices, or cares if I'm not around.  One of my hopes going into the family ward was that I would have home and visiting teachers that would at least make contact with me occasionally.  I don't even need formal visits, I just need someone who occasionally texts me or checks up on me.  I was worried about being assigned teachers that I don't know or am not comfortable with, and I had a short list of who I'd be okay with as my home teachers.  Truthfully, I'd rather have home teachers I don't know/not comfortable with, but who make contact, than have none at all.  However, several months in and I have no idea who my home teachers are, they've never made contact with me.  My visiting teachers reached out once in just a "we're your visiting teachers" kind of way.  Even if I needed something, I wouldn't feel okay trying to ask them for help; and even if I knew who my home teachers were, if they're not contacting me, I'm certainly not going to be contacting them if I need help.  Someone mentioned that I should talk to the Bishop and find out who my home teachers are, but what's the point.  If someone says something to them, then they're just doing their home teaching because they're being guilted into it, and that's almost worse. 

So no one notices or cares if I'm at church or not.  I feel abandoned by Heavenly Father, and I'm left feeling completely alone.  Slowly, I stopped making it to church.  Then I'm just sitting at home on Sunday's feeling like crap.  So I changed my work schedule and instead of working Saturday mornings (which recently has been a struggle for me for some reason), I will be working on Sunday mornings, and I feel good/excited about it.  I think it'll be easier for me to handle stress wise, and now I won't be sitting at home alone all day feeling like crap. 

There are other choices I've been making recently that are also pushing me a little farther from the church, but I'm not going to go into it right now.

I'm sure at some point in the future I'll sort things out, but right now, I'm just left feeling completely alone.  Not even in regards to just church, but in my personal life as well.  Just really struggling.  I've just started the process of getting a cat, so I really hope that helps my depression some.  *crosses fingers*