Decisions

After the way I've been feeling the past two weeks, and the fact that therapy had been canceled last week, I knew my therapy session yesterday morning was going to be a bit intense.  I shared with Karen all the thoughts that had been plaguing my mind, and that I couldn't seem to find an external trigger for me.  We decided to do some EMDR to see if there was anything that would come up that needed cleared out, and really, nothing did. 

I've worked through a lot of things over the past 14ish months, and even though there still some small things from the past I'm working on, overall, things are mostly okay.  Those suicidal and self-harm part were reacting to the depression itself.  As we talked about this, Karen asked me about when my dosage was increased on my current medicine (Effexor) and when I had originally started it etc etc and also when my next appointment with Dr. K is (my psychiatrist.)  After all of this, Karen strongly believes that my medicine is having the opposite effect it's supposed to and is doing more harm than good. 

The problem is, Dr. K is pretty adamant about not taking me off the Effexor because of the withdrawal symptoms, which is understandable, but it's what I wanted when I first started seeing her and I feel like she doesn't listen to what I need.  Not to mention she's not very personable.  I don't really like her and I was thinking of switching anyways, it's just hard to find one who accepts my insurance.  Karen said she had heard some good things about this other place and she's pretty sure they accept my insurance, so I'm going to try to get in there so I don't have to see Dr. K anymore. 

Here's where the "decision" aspect comes in.  Karen strongly recommends that when come off the Effexor, that I go to an inpatient facility.  She the withdrawal symptoms are really bad, and the things I already experience, she wants me to be able to be in a safe, controlled, monitored environment, without the possibility of external distractions causing problems.  I get it, and it's probably the best thing to do, but she said I would probably be in there for a week.  Just the thought of going kind of terrifies me, but for a whole week?  1. That's a week of hours at work that I can't really lose.  Though I'm feeling better about my budget and where I am financially, I still can't really afford to lose a week of pay.  2. Just the thought of it feels kind of isolating.  I mean, I know there's people there and all this other stuff, but I wouldn't get to see or talk to a majority of my friends.  Sure, most places have limited visiting hours, but the likelihood that those hours would be convenient (or that the location would be convenient) is very very slim.  Yes, these are "superficial" things that I shouldn't really be concerned about when it comes to do what is best for my mental health, but they're still there.  And truthfully, they're more like "excuses" to cover the fact that it kind of scares me.  I'm waiting to hear back from this new office and hopefully get to see a new psychiatrist soon.  Maybe she'll have some ideas of taking me off of the Effexor that don't involve going to a facility for a week.

Anyways, things are still really rough.  I've been physically exhausted from having to fight everything mentally.  I just have this general feeling of not wanting to be alive.  I feel drained.  I feel alone.  I'm hurting.  I'm angry.  I'm frustrated.  I'm discouraged.  All the things that I keep saying over and over and every time they come out of my mouth, it feels like they have less and less meaning; both to me, and the people who are hearing/reading them.  I don't really know how to describe what I'm feeling right now.  Like a deflated balloon several days after a party that's losing air and just falling to the ground. 

Crisis

How do I describe how I've been feeling lately? I feel like I've been in some intense, deep, dark "funk", so to speak. I'm not sure what else to call it. Compared to just the recent depression (meaning just the kind of overall affect it has on me after considering all the progress I've made in therapy), and compared to the other bouts/episodes of depression that when I sink lower than that general affect, this is much much worse. But at the same time, I have felt this awful before, so it's not worse than something I've felt in the past. Does any of this make sense?


It's been this way for a little over a week now. It seemed to start Thursday or so last week. As far as I can tell, nothing externally has triggered it. Most of the time, all I can think about it how much I want to hurt myself or end my life. I've been trying not to shut down, and I've still been trying to be around people and reach out to people, but you know...life happens. People are busy. I understand; this is why there is more than one person in my "support network". But that's not all that's happening. In addition to people being busy, I'm struggling to reach out in the first place, and even when I do, I tend to make light of what I'm feeling because I'm kind of afraid to let people know the truly dark things that have been going through my mind recently. So what happens then is that I feel alone. Like a gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling of being alone, and it kind of makes everything I'm feeling even worse.


Then therapy was canceled this week because roads were icy Wednesday morning and my therapist couldn't make it over the mountain. What a sucky week for that to happen.


I'm also back on overnights once a week, which is frustrating. It's not the managers' fault, they tried to get me off Night Audit, but one of the auditors quit. So last Friday was the first one I was scheduled off, and she quit on Saturday. UGH. I'm not mad AT my managers, but it's hard not to feel angry and frustrated about it.


These self-harm and suicidal parts have been so active, so loud, so relentless. They're beating and wearing me down. I don't have much energy. I'm hurting. I'm in pain. I'm so angry and discouraged and I feel completely hopeless. I recently got over a sinus infection, and as I was getting better (before this "funk" started), I stocked up on cold and sinus medicine cause I often get sick when I don't have a lot of extra cash to get medicine. I had a bunch of coupons so I stocked up on cough, cold, and sinus medicines and such. Now I'm seeing that probably wasn't the smartest idea. I should probably be smart/safe about it and have someone hold on to it. But, at the same time, it kind of makes me feel better to know it's nearby.


Every single fiber of my being is fighting against me. Everything in my head is screaming at me to give up. Convincing me that nobody would notice, or care, if I weren't here. Convincing me that people would be so much better off without having the burden of my presence in their life. And for the past week, it's all I've been able to think about. I'm angry, frustrated, discouraged and I feel like there's no other way out of all of this. It feels unbearable. I don't have any energy to keep "holding on", trying to stay alive completely drains everything I have. I haven't been able to do a whole lot lately, and even when I do, I only have enough energy to go through the motions. I'm desperate for relief and there doesn't seem to be any other way to get it.