1 year and lots of anger

I have been feeling so frustrated and angry lately, not to mention discouraged.

I'm angry that I've been working so freakin hard to overcome so much but that depression/dark part is still so strong, so present, so heavy and so disruptive.  I have made so much progress in therapy over the past year.  There is so much that is different, but yet this darkness is still there.  We've established in therapy that this is the depression itself and at this point, there isn't really anything that my "parts therapy" is going to help, so now it's up to medicine.  But that's been pretty frustrating too, I'm not real pleased with my new psychiatrist.  So a little background information, I've tried a number of anti-depressants with no real long-term results.  About half of those were when I was a teenager, which I make sure I mention to new doctors because I know anti-depressants can have a different effect on teenagers and young adults, than it does when you're a little older.  So when I started with her, I was on a medicine called Effexor.  Dr. K talked about how hard it is to come off of that medicine because of the withdrawals and that she wanted to avoid doing that.  She saw my history and noted a have had a binge eating disorder and she immediately prescribed "Vyvanse."  She said it was supposed to help the binge eating, even though I was very specific and clarified that the binge eating wasn't really an issue anymore.  It still happens occasionally, but not enough to be classified as a B.E.D. right now.  But she said it was a stimulant and it would help with my depression too.  I was able to get a free one month supply, but my insurance wouldn't pay for it, so I was only on it for a month.  My last appointment earlier this week, she decided before she tried adding another medicine again, she was just going to up the dosage of my current medicine.  So now I'm at the highest dosage of a medicine that is apparently really hard to come off of.  I'm not thrilled at the moment.  Honestly, if I had realized how hard it would be to come off when my regular doctor first prescribed it, I might have said no.  My therapist has actually mentioned that she probably wouldn't want me coming off of it unless I was in the hospital or something where I can be in a safe, monitored environment, especially with how much I've been struggling with my self-harm and suicidal parts.

Speaking of self-harm, Tuesday marked 1 year since I last hurt myself.  I know this is supposed to be an accomplishment, but it hasn't really felt like it.  It's still a daily struggle to fight against that part, and it still feels like any day that 1 year mark could go away.  It hasn't gotten any easier and it's just so discouraging.  I'm not sure how I feel about it all.  My therapist said I should celebrate, but I don't really feel like it.

A few posts ago, I mentioned something about starting some neurofeedback.  It's officially going to be starting in the next week or two.  It's not something insurance pays for, and it can be expensive, but Karen (therapist) said that for someone like me who has been really committed to treatment and recovery, they're going to do it free of cost.  I'll actually be one of the first one's at that office to do it. It's supposed to help re-wire my brain and shift it's responses and stuff.  I'll wear sensors on my head and I'll probably be going twice a week.  I really hope it does something.  I'm desperate for some relief.

Lastly, on just a random note; I've started writing some poems recently.  I tried writing poems when I was in high school, but I always felt like they weren't that great.  But recently, a friend got me interested in giving it a try again.  It's also a way to try to express myself in a different way, because lately I've been feeling really like everything I say has become repetitive and meaningless.  I've posted a couple of the poems on Facebook, all but one, but I don't know if I'll end up posting them all on facebook or not.

How are you?

I've been wanting to write a blog post for a week or two now.  But what to say?  I feel like lately, everything I say is repetitive, and meaningless.  There was an article recently talking about the struggle of lying/telling the truth when someone asks you how you are?

"When someone, who I care about and who cares about me, asks how I am doing, it is even more complicated. What runs through my mind is: Right now, do they really want the truth? Do they have the time or the energy for it? Do I? Can they handle the truth? Do they think at this point I am being dramatic with them because they see me interacting with other people as if I don’t have a care in the world? Am I becoming (or have I been) a burden with my prolonged need for support to this person?I’m so tired of hearing myself talk about the crap going on in my head. I bet they are too.
. . .
"This lie makes me much more pleasant to be around. Conversation doesn’t need to focus on my issues. I am the only one overtly affected by my depression. It just seems simpler. Not so healthy, but definitely easier on everyone except me.
There are many times I wish I could go back to my old standard response. Yet, alas, I have opened Pandora’s box. Being authentic after years of creating a multi-layered mask is like navigating my way through treacherous waters in a row boat. I am constantly being tossed around in the waves, and I feel like I am going to be thrown out at any second."

This is almost exactly how I've been feeling lately.  When someone asks me how I am, how do I answer?  Is it a brief, passing, polite "how are you"?  In which case, I definitely don't tell the truth.  Are they being sincere, but is it someone I'm comfortable with?  What if it's someone I've already opened to a lot, someone I reach out to a lot?  Do they really want to hear it again?  Am I burden?  If I tell them the truth, which is the same response it's been for months, will they even believe me anymore?  Or have my words become completely and ridiculously repetitive and meaningless.

Then move on to the next part I quoted.  There used to be a time where I worked really hard to try to hide everything going on.  I didn't trust people, I didn't open up.  Maybe I wasn't perfect at hiding it all, but it was something.  But now?  Now I actively try to be vocal about it and try to be an "advocate" (so to speak) against the stigma of mental health.  But it really is like opening a Pandora's box. Sometimes I wish I could back to hiding.

There have been a lot of things I've been feeling recently.  I still have to continually deal with these suicidal and self-harm parts.  Every fiber of my being is telling me to give in to them.  It would be easier.  I'd feel relief.  I'd feel in control.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of having to fight again those parts.  I'm tired of dealing with the depression, anxiety, and OCD.  It beats me down and it wears on me.  I'm just freakin tired.  I'm angry.  I'm discouraged.  I work so hard and I do my best to try to manage, fight, and beat this crap.  I'm doing all this stuff and it's like it's not even doing anything!  Still have difficulties with my medication and that causes it's own set of problems.

I just can't do it anymore.  I don't have the strength, I don't have the energy, I don't have the motivation.