My blog posting has been a bit sporadic lately, but I need to get back into the swing of things.
It has now been a little over two years since I started therapy with my current therapist Karen and started to finally make some real progress. There is still A LOT I am struggling with, and lately, things have been really rough. We've been working with this "teenage" part and we've had to chip away at some of her burdens. Some of her memories and burdens though are so intense, we can only do a little bit of work in each session before I end up getting completely overwhelmed and we have to stop. I'm still having a lot of hard days, so sometimes it's hard to see the progress I've made. But compared to two years ago:
-I'm not spending days in bed sleeping all day. Even if all I do is move to the couch downstairs, I'm at least out of bed.
-I'm taking better care of myself
-I at least WANT to work on my school work more. I still struggle to work on it because I'm often so mentally exhausted, but at least I want to
-I don't try to get covers at work quite as often as I used to
-My binge eating is almost completely under control and as a result, I've lost 60lbs, which is great
-I've slowly started to gain more confidence and self-esteem
-I'm putting more effort into trying to add exercising to my life
-I've worked through a lot of issues and memories and have been able to have a better relationship with my parents, that I never imagined I'd get to (though there's still some things I'm working through and still some things that happen, I've come a long way.)
Regardless of this though, every day I am fighting these massive demons, and it is completely mentally exhausting. The demons of depression, anxiety, constant suicidal thoughts (even if they're just passive thoughts), thoughts of self-harm, etc etc etc. It makes it hard sometimes to do other things. Things have been lonely lately, people are busy, it's life. And sometimes I find myself trying to isolate myself a little bit, which makes things worse. I know I should try to find events and things to go to, to try to be social and meet new people, but that's pretty freakin terrifying when your anxiety is high. I'm grateful that I've been able to become good friends with some coworkers and have been able to go out and do things with them. I still often feel completely alone, and it's really a hard thing to feel. Logically, I know I'm not, but it doesn't change the feeling.
And finally...yesterday marked the 2 year mark since I last hurt myself. I know this is a big accomplishment, but it doesn't feel like one. It doesn't feel like one because it's still a battle I have to fight EVERY SINGLE DAY. It has not gotten any easier. Every time I feel alone, I get angry, I'm upset, frustrated, etc etc, hurting myself is the very first thought. I still have a tool or two that always sits in a pocket in my bag I carry, I can't bear to get rid of them. I have to fight this demon every freakin day and it feels like those 2 years could go away any second. The self-harm started when I was about 13 or 14, I've been struggling with it for 14-15 years. There were times I couldn't even go a day without giving in. There were times I managed to go days, weeks, or months without giving in. One other time in this time frame I went two years, and then one day it was too much for me and I gave in. I don't ever get a break from this, and sometimes it's just really exhausting. Sometimes I go to bed insanely early simply because I don't have the energy to keep fighting it. So even though I've hit this milestone and have this "accomplishment," I can never become complacent. I have to fight it every day because it only takes a second to go away. And quite frankly, not all of me even wants to fight it. It's exhausting to fight, and things seemed like they were so much easier to handle when I had this method of coping.
