Let's start with work. A little over a month ago, I put in for an Administrative Assistant position within the company I already work for. I wasn't expecting anything, but I ended up getting an interview and then got the job! Because of hours, I'm still working 1 night a week at the hotel, but otherwise, I am working a couple days a week in our corporate office, and I love it. Seriously, the people are great, I love the work I'm doing, and it's much less stressful. Best of all, it's daytime hours! Now my body is trying to get used to being awake/working all day and be on a different sleep schedule than I used to be. Even when I was awake during the day before, it usually consisted of naps during the day to get adequate rest for shifts at the hotel. So my body has no idea what is going on. Not to mention, as my therapist has pointed out, my mind isn't really used to positive changes, so it's kind of freaking out because it has no idea what to do. It's weird. But I do really like the new position.
Now, a couple of weeks ago, I attempted to do another 5k. I have tried two of these in the past, and I have yet to complete one 100%. The first one I did, I struggled physically and there was a part of the course in the middle that I didn't complete (I did maybe half of it, I think?) The one I did a few months ago, I started having some panic attacks within the first 1/2 mile and had to turn back. This has been beyond frustrating to me. I've been trying to get into a workout routine of some sort, but I continually fail to do so. I try to make it a part of my schedule, I always make plans for when I want to go, or I plan to do something with a friend; but time after time, my motivation and energy are depleted and I fail. I have the DESIRE, but fighting the depression and anxiety completely gets in the way (of course, exercise is something that could help fight it, if I could get over it enough to make it happen.) I signed up for this 5k to try to kick start some motivation with having a goal to work towards (which is why I signed up for the other ones too.) It usually works for a brief period of time, but eventually it fades. This 5k resulted in kind of the same way, but how I felt about it was a lot different. After the past 5k's, I really hated myself and beat myself up, and while I did that a little this time, it wasn't as bad. I was able to have some self-compassion. I did about half of it, which was good. There were some hills that I managed better than I have before and honestly, physically, I wasn't having a too hard of a time. But then the panic attacks. UGH I wish I'd be able to do something without this dumb crap getting in my way. Also, I "put myself out there" and invited friends to join me. One friend in particular has been to each of them, because he was the only one I was comfortable around didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. This time, I threw it out there and invited anyone who wanted to come. I loved having the extra support and encouragement there.
Anyways, there's a point to all this. A few days after the 5k, I was looking at some other 5k's happening in the fall, with the idea that maybe, just maybe, one of these will be my kick start. But I was getting frustrated. I'm really trying to do things to take care of myself and do everything I can to fight/manage my depression/anxiety. I thought back to a few years ago when I was actually successful for a little while with working out. At the time, I was working with a trainer at the YMCA. It was someone who just working with me in some of his free time during the week. It started out because I emailed him to find out how much training sessions cost, though I was certain I wouldn't be able to afford it. He ended up helping me out without charging me because he genuinely cared and wanted to help. So this week I took a leap and I emailed him again. I basically explained all this and asked him what the possibility/cost would be to work with him (I certainly don't expect him to do it for free again, but I'm really hoping it's not going to cost to much, cause my budget is still kind of tight.) He responded and said he'd be happy to work with me again. We're going to meet tomorrow afternoon to talk and kind of go over things, we'll see if things work out. It's going to suck driving across town to go to the Y, but if it's what it takes, then it is worth it. Maybe this will be the break through I need. I'm just trying to do everything I can do to take care of myself and to try to fight this mental illness.
Along with all of this, I'm slowly starting to have some self-compassion and being nicer to myself, something that is completely new to me. It's something we've been working on in therapy and my therapist gave me a book to read to help as well. I started keeping a "self-compassion" journal. When I'm struggling, I acknowledge it and tell myself that it's okay to have a hard time, instead of beating myself up about it. I remind myself to be patient, kind, and gentle. I find little things I like about myself. I also my folder filled with notes/letters/cards etc from friends that make me feel good, and I remind myself that there are people who love me. I've talked about my stuffed animals before, and while I know it seems silly, those stuffed animals really mean a lot to me. They're from people who care about me, and when I'm lonely and having a rough night, being able to lay in bed and hug them, helps give me just enough comfort to get through the night and make it just a little while longer. This weekend, I got a new addition to my stuffed animals from some awesome friends of mine, and I love it! :-)
Self-compassion isn't easy, this is completely new to me; but it's what I need. Not just me, but the little girl inside of me, she needs it too. (I've been trying to stand up for myself a little bit more, and just be a bit more vocal about things, but that's a struggle as well.) We've been working with that little girl a lot in therapy lately, because she is still terrified and doesn't feel safe or trust anyone (including me.) I wrote a post about her a few months ago (You can check it out here!!!). In my session this week, we tried going back to the EMDR to try to attack some of my memories more directly because I'm still having some strong emotional reactions to them. For example, I have some strong reactions to things like fireworks, loud music, etc. It's not the fireworks or music itself that I react to, but my mind/the little girl, reacts to where they think we are and what they think is about to happen because of events/things that happened in my past and that little girl becomes terrified and I end up curled up in a ball in my bed. So in my session this week, we tried to attack those memories more directly, but some of my "parts" got in the way, especially the self-harm part, so we ended up switching over to that and working with the self-harm part and the little girl (since that part works so hard to try to protect her.)
In my head, this is the little girl that I see:
So there have been some ups and there have been some downs. Overall, I've certainly made some progress and I'm certainly doing more to take care of myself and better manage and fight my depression. There was a post on the facebook page of "Mental Health America" on Sunday (follow them here) that I thought was very fitting to how I feel:
(credit given to @ErinLea7)