I haven't done a blog post in a long time, and I don't know if I'm even going to publish this because frankly, it's probably going to be heavy and pretty scattered. I should probably list a ***trigger warning*** here for suicidal and self-harm talk.
I was doing really well for a few months. I was feeling great! I wasn't feeling the weight of the depression and the self-harm and suicidal parts were calm. Then, a little more than 2 weeks ago, I went from great to rock bottom, pretty much overnight. I became suicidal and almost (and should have) gone to the hospital. My manager let me stay at the hotel for a couple nights (though I paid for one of them) because I thought if I could get out of my environment and have a change of pace for a few days, and be somewhere a little bit safer, I could still work and not go to the hospital. It was good that I stayed, but it didn't help that much. I was able to get an appointment with my therapist even though I was supposed to be done with therapy. We worked through one particular incident that happened a little bit before this "episode" started, since it was the only thing I could think of to cause this, but I don't think it really had anything to do with it.
We also determined that my "parts", especially my self-harm and suicidal parts are working out of habit. I can feel and acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less real or any easier to deal with. I think they just freaked out. They're not used to things going so well, so they panicked thinking that something was about to happen and they needed to try to get in front of it. If that makes sense? What does all this mean? It means I'm barely hanging on. It means every night I'm lying in bed thinking about ending it. These parts are SCREAMING in my head right now, and it's the only thing I can hear, feel, and see. "You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." It's all that's on my mind for about two weeks now.
So why haven't I gone to the hospital? I thought about it. If I was being smart and safe, that's where I'd be. But it's too terrifying, and lonely. First of all, it's terrifying because I don't know what would happen. I don't do well when I can't have things planned out a little, or at least know what to expect. I tried doing some research to find out more, and I just found horror stories about people who've gone to the ER because they were suicidal. Second of all, finances. I can't afford to lose more than a couple shifts at work. I can't afford a major medical bill if insurance doesn't cover all, or any, of it. I can't afford to lose hours or my job because I abandoned shifts. (Logically, I know that last one won't happen, but I'm still paranoid.) Third, I already feel lonely enough, going to the hospital seems 10x worse. Here's why: They don't allow any electronics and such, which I understand, but that's how I stay connected to people. I'm not trying to be someone who "always needs their phone", but for instance, my best friend is out of the country and the only way we can talk is via an app. Going to the ER by myself, again, feels terrifying. They have limited visiting hours, but I know there's no one who would come to visit. The few people I think *might* come visit, wouldn't have a way to get there, or wouldn't be able to come during the visiting hours. I highly doubt I'd be allowed to have my crocheting, and depending on where I go (the hospital vs. The Meadows) I wouldn't even be allowed to bring a book to read!!! Anything that would bring me just a small amount of comfort in such a scary time, is out. I just don't have the courage or strength to do that. It's not right for me, I think I'd come out of it feeling a lot worse. I did have a friend offer to go in to the ER with me if I end up going, but I know that won't always be an option.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Sure, I have a few "friends", but some of them I seriously question the friendship. For example, 2 or 3 of them in particular, I have watched over and over again make time for every one else in the world but me. They would always claim we were such good friends, but I was more of an after thought. When I would try to make plans, they wouldn't make the time (but they make time for a lot of other people). If we did make plans, they were always cancelled because someone else wanted to do something. I was their friend when it was convenient for them, when they needed to vent or rant about something. A few times I may have been included in a group thing, but then I was treated like an annoyance and then excluded from what they were doing. I'm not trying to sound petty. I know the people I'm thinking of are very busy, and to be fair, by text, they were a good friend. But sometimes that's not enough. I used to get hugs from my best friend all the time. Since he moved away, I don't get hugs from anyone anymore (except the occasional "hi" hug or something) and that really sucks. Sometimes I just really need a hug.
Everyday, something happens to show me or remind me that I'm nothing but a burden and annoyance to everyone around me. There isn't anyone whose life be any different if they hadn't met me. No one would notice if I slip away. Sure, people say they would. But guess what? They don't. When I get in these dark places, I tend to shut down. I'll stop reaching out and texting people, I'll stop responding to people etc. And every time it happens. no one notices. I also noticed some time ago that a majority of the time, I'm the one who texts people first. So guess what, I stopped, just to see if anyone wanted to talk from their own decision, not just responding to me. And no one did.
Work would be fine, they'd have someone to cover my shifts and eventually they'll forget about me.
"You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." This is on repeat 24/7. I desperately want to hurt myself. I've even started carrying around my "tools" again because it brings me comfort to know they're nearby.
Ultimately, I have a plan, well, half a plan. I have a "how", I don't have a "when", which I guess is good. Yes, I'm in contact with my therapist. We're discussing whether or not I'm going to start coming in regularly again, and if so, how often. Yes, I have crisis hotline numbers saved on my phone, and crisis chat sites bookmarked on my computer. Yes, I'm reaching out to people as much as I can manage and as much as they'll let me. Things are just very very very dark right now. I feel hopeless, angry, frustrated and discouraged. I've been crying myself to sleep at night. I'm desperately trying to hold on, even though every single fiber of my being wants to let go.
For anyone who read all of this, thank you for letting me get everything out. I'm sorry it was so heavy.
