It's been quite awhile since I've written a post here, so I guess it's about time. **Possible trigger warning for parts of it**
There's not necessarily a lot to update on, I've just been having an overall really rough time. Over the past year- Last Spring, I "graduated" therapy and my depression was considered in remission. I had a few really good months, and then around September everything came back. Honestly, everything externally was mostly fine, it was that "dark part/critter" I've written about before. I feel like I'm drowning in work, school, and life. I feel like I'm under water with a ton of rocks tied to my ankles and an elephant sitting on chest. I thought I could deal with it on my own, but that clearly has not been the case. Here's everything that has happened since:
All of that, combined with some frustrations (at the time) at work, I looked for and accepted a new job. I started said new job, was bored out of my mind in the first week, and went back to my old job. Ultimately this move, and move back, ended up being good for me, but it was still a lot of unnecessary change and stress.
After making it almost three years, I started cutting again. It's the only thing that has helped me try to fight and survive, it gives me a tiny break from the heavy darkness that sits on my chest. I know it's not the best option, but it's how I cope. I have also stopped caring about hiding it. While I do try to hide it at work from my guests, elsewhere, it's not a concern. It takes so much energy to worry about hiding it all the time, and that's just energy I don't have. All my energy and strength are being sucked into trying to survive.
I've had to battle a lot of passive and active suicidal thoughts. I've avoided going to the hospital at times when I know I should have gone. Honestly, I feel like the hospital isn't an option. I can't afford to miss a lot of work, and I can't afford a large medical bill (yes, insurance would cover some of it, but not all of it). I feel like then once I was out, it would cause so much extra stress and be counterproductive.
Due to trying a new medicine my psychiatrist wanted me to try to help with energy levels, my binge eating disorder kicked up again (turns out compulsive behaviors and binge eating was a side effect of that medicine. I'm not on it anymore, but I was on it long enough). I haven't been able to get it back under control, and I've gained back about half (or more) of the weight I had lost. It's beyond frustrating because I feel like I have no control over it. I'm spending money I shouldn't, and most of the time I don't even realize it's happening until it's over, it's almost like I black out when it happens. I know there are a myriad of triggers that can potentially initiate the episodes, and unfortunately there's too many to try to avoid them all. But something else that doesn't make it any easier is that again, I'm spending all my energy and strength on trying to stay alive, I don't have much left to try to take care of myself, so it's so much easier to get take out food than it is to make food at home, even just a frozen entree, which is what I have most of the time because I HATE (and really SUCK at) cooking. I'd like to try to change this and start making some really basic healthy recipes, but at the moment it's a little tough. I've always had roommates that had stuff like pots, pans etc. I had one pan, but when my old roommate suddenly up and moved out back in August, it seems like she (I hope, accidentally) took it. So, I have a baking sheet, and a couple measuring cups, but that's it :-P Hopefully I can work my up to getting some more legit stuff for my kitchen LOL (PS if anyone needs an idea for my birthday, there ya go ;-) granted that's not till September, but whatever lol).
Anyways, regarding the BED, there's a medicine out there specifically to help it some that my psychiatrist is trying to get me on, but my previous insurance denied it :-( My insurance just changed, so at my next appointment on the 4th, we're gonna try again. *Cross your fingers* I've also signed up for Weight Watchers again, so I hope that helps. So far I've still been going over my "points" they give you, but at least I'm tracking everything (it's pretty easy to figure out what I had, even though I don't remember). I really hope to start making some progress again, because all of this makes me hate myself more and more.
Now...on to the real reason for this post. As of tomorrow, I am officially starting therapy again. I've known for awhile I need to go again, but I was struggling. I have no idea why, I like my old therapist, and she did so much for me, why was I so scared to go back? Because it's so freakin frustrating to have to rely on medicine and therapy just to try to survive. It was getting to the point that my manager and other coworkers were expressing a lot of concern and worry about me (among other people, but I figure when people at work start saying they're worrying, it's really getting bad) so I reached out to my therapist to try to get a appointment, but I was struggling to follow through, and trying to get one around work. Well then, last week my manager called a meeting with HR so they could check on me :-/ My manager assured me that if I needed to make the appointment for when I was scheduled to work, that him or my other manager would cover the desk for an hour so I could go (conveniently, my therapist office is literally right across the street from the hotel, so it works well). So finally I got an appointment set up and I'm officially going back. I'm dreading it. And it's hard. But here's what I have to say about it... IT'S OKAY TO GET HELP. IT'S OKAY TO GO BACK TO THERAPY. I sort of forgot about that for awhile.
Lastly, I'd like to explain something. With all this going on, with fighting suicidal thoughts, etc, people say things like "Don't you know how many people care about you?" Yes. LOGICALLY I know there are people who care about me. I know I have friends and I know they care. But in my mind...that's not what I can see. I am literally blinded by something entirely different-
Despite the things people say or do, this is what is being SCREAMED into my head/heart-
"You're a fuck up. Look at all the friendships you ruined over the years because of all this. Look at the people you overwhelmed. Look at the people who left. You are a BURDEN. There is no one whose life would be any worse if you had never been born. There is no one who would be impacted if you weren't here. Outside of work, you rarely see or interact with anyone, no one would notice if you just weren't there. Work would change the schedule around and your shifts would easily be covered. You provide no talents, skills, or abilities to this world. People would be happier and better if you weren't around to bring them down and be a burden."
When someone says they care, there is a small part of me that hears you, so please don't stop reminding me. I need those reminders, so that maybe someday those voices will be louder than this internal demon.
I appreciate those of you who read this. As you know, over the past few years I've been trying really hard to help speak out against the stigma of struggling with mental illness and that involves being wildly open about everything as much as I can. I know it's tiring, I know it seems like I'm always being negative, but being able to be open about everything is actually an incredibly positive thing for me. If you're looking for other things to read to help you understand mental illness, check out The Mighty's website, they have a lot of really great articles. https://themighty.com/
