Inside Out

Well, I don't think it's too much of a secret that I've been having a really hard time.  There's not a whole lot to say about it in particular, but I decided I would update the blog with some stuff going on in therapy and other reflections.

First of all, I want to say thank you for all the love and support that was shown to me after my last post (if you haven't read it yet, you can do so here (if you're interested: http://mymentalhealthmatters.blogspot.com/2015/12/battle-wounds.html)  I was really scared to write that post and even more scared to share it.  Again, I'm so thankful for the love and support I felt after I shared it; you have no idea what it meant to me.

So, my therapist decided to switch things up a little bit.  First of all, the week before, she had me do some more assessments.  She said she was getting some training that weekend in these particular assessments so she wanted me to do them so she could score them after her training.  She said that the results weren't what she expected and that I underscored with the validity of it.  (I guess my score was basically showing because of the underscore, that my answers may not have been valid.)  This was a 136 question assessment, that I actually had a hard time taking.  It asked about different feelings/symptoms (both emotional and physical) and you were supposed to responded with how often you felt it:  never, occasionally, often, or always (or something along those lines.)  The reason why I have a hard time with these kinds of assessments is because, with a few exceptions, I would answer just about every answer with "always", I feel like those feelings, both emotional and physical, are always on and at 100% intensity.  However, there are a few times that I feel a small relief from some of those symptoms, and so maybe for a time the intensity drops from 100% to 90% or somewhere around there.  When I feel that way, I'm so grateful to have a little bit of a relief from it, that I misjudge how I'm feeling.  The week she had me take the assessment, I was feeling somewhat okay for a couple of days--- so when I'm answering the questions, I didn't feel like I should be put "always", so instead I would be occasionally or just often, even though technically, I should have put a higher score.  I explained all this to her and she said that would definitely explain the underscoring.

So besides that, she decided to move away from the EMDR therapy we were doing.  She doesn't think I was responding well with it and that some of the results of the various traumas she identified, aren't so much affecting what I do, but creating reactions when things trigger the memory.  I don't know exactly, she didn't explain to much, she said that she wanted to try out the "parts therapy" for awhile.   I don't know it well enough to really explain what will be happening, but if you've seen "Inside Out", it's like that.  Apparently one of the big guys that came up with this theory/therapy was a big consultant on the movie.  It's an idea that our mind is composed of different "parts" (like joy, sadness, disgust, fear, and anger in the movie.)  and that each part is supposed to be helpful, but sometimes things get mixed up.

Anyways, so what we did last week, was try to identify some of the different parts in my mind.  She asked me a bunch of questions (like when do you feel most creative, courageous, compassionate, curious, calm, connected etc etc) and then we talked about some parts that she thinks exist.  Some of the parts we came up with so far are:

• Depressed
• Anxious
• Planner
• Conflict Avoidance
• Analyzer
• Self Critical

She also said there are "firefighters" in each of us.  Basically, the fire fighters are the things we do when things just get too overwhelming and hard to deal with, the things we do to try to survive.  We pointed out that my fire fighters are self harm, binge eating, and staying in bed.

Supposedly, each of these parts think they're doing something to protect me.  I asked what in the world my depression part could be doing that it thinks it's protecting me and she pointed out that it can keep me away from people and situations, which I guess makes the part think it's protecting me.  Like I said, I'm still a little hazy on some details here or where we go from here.  It'll be interesting to see where things go from here and how it works and see if/how it helps.  I don't have therapy this week because of her holiday schedule, so I'll be back next week.

An another note, there are have been a few things that I think are feeding in to me having a particularly hard time.  One of them has made me realize something-  as much as an apartment to myself may be ideal for someone my age, it's not a good idea for me; at least not anytime soon.  With everyone gone for Christmas and busy with family and friends and such, there are days that I barely see or talk to anyone (even at work, we're so slow that I don't even see any guests.)  I already struggle with trying to not to shut myself down (meaning that I PURPOSELY don't see or talk to anyone, I avoid my phone, barely leave my room or apartment, etc.)  It's not an easy fight and there are plenty of days I lose and I do shut myself down, but I try incredibly hard not too.  When I'm in a situation where it's basically impossible to *avoid* that exact situation, not only does it cause me to have a hard time, but it makes it harder not to purposely shut down.  So, as much as I like to avoid people sometimes, I'm definitely seeing the toll it's having on me.

There's another set of feelings that I'm struggling with lately.  Almost every year around my birthday and around the new year, I often struggle with a lot of suicidal feelings.  It has nothing to do with getting older, or looking back with regret or anything like that.  The feelings stem from anger and frustration of dealing with this black hole of depression.  During those times of the year where it's fairly normal to "look back on" or "look forward to" things, I begin to feel incredibly desperate for relief from the things I feel and battle with and can often only see one way out.  It's incredibly hard to fight those feelings and urges and even harder to try to reach out to some body when I'm feeling it.  Often I'll try to reach out to someone without specifically mentioning what's going on, just to "connect" with someone, or see if there's something that someone else needs that I can help with.  I also use other resources like crisis chats online.  I really hate talking on the phone (with 2 or 3 random exceptions), so calling a hotline is often of the question for me, but I've found some good crisis chats online that have been helpful in the past.  For now I'm still fighting.  I'm not gonna lie, I don't really want too, but I know I'm supposed too.  :'(  It's hard, it takes all my energy, strength and motivation, which makes it hard to gather up energy or motivation to do anything else, like get out of bed or do school work.  Some days I am literally talking it half an hour at a time because that's all I can manage.  I'm grateful to the support I have and the friends that I know I can reach out too (whether I'm specific about things or not.)  I really do love all you guys.

I think since sharing this blog, I've opened up my support system a little bit and I think I've helped a few people understand things a  little bit better.  A couple of people have also mentioned that they have felt similar symptoms or feelings, though it may not be as severe.  Let me tell you something, it doesn't matter if it's not as "severe", it's still a big deal!  I definitely recommend getting in to your doctor or finding a psychiatrist who may be able to help.  The typical length of time that they measure by to determine if something is depression is 2 weeks.  There is a quick assessment on WebMD that can help you decide if you should go to your doctor (http://www.webmd.com/depression/depression-assessment/default.htm)  You shouldn't self-diagnosis yourself, but it conveniently puts together common symptoms of depression just to help you determine if something is up.  PLEASE- especially if it's something that's been going on for awhile, please try to get some help.  It is ssooo important.

Also, here are some other links/information to the chats and such I mentioned earlier if anyone needs them-

Suicide Hotline-  1-800-273-8255  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Online Chats-

https://www.imalive.org/

http://www.crisischat.org/chat

http://carecrisischat.org/index.html

Battle Wounds

This is a very difficult post for me to write, and I'm trying to take my time writing it.  I hope I am able to convey everything the way I want to and in a way that people can understand.  This is the post that I have felt determined not to write, but something (the Spirit) keeps telling me that I need to.  So whether this is for me, or someone else, I'm writing it, but I am terrified to write it.  If anyone has any questions or needs someone to talk too, please feel free to contact me.  I hope that maybe this can help someone or help someone feel less alone.

***While I am not posting anything overly graphic, this may be a triggering post for some***

I have been in a war against depression for as long as I can remember; and, just like many others, I have battle wounds, and I'm really sick of being ashamed of this.

Sometime around the age of 13, I began hurting myself to deal with anything I was feeling.  This started after an episode of my favorite TV show, "DeGrassi: The Next Generation."  One of the reasons why this show was my favorite was because it dealt with a lot of hard topics: abortion, abuse, suicide, drugs, alcohol, rape, cutting etc etc etc, it was really easy to relate too and could make you feel a lot less alone.  In this particular episode, one of the characters had been having a really hard time: alcoholic and verbally abusive mother, trouble in school etc, to deal with it, she cut herself.  Now, the episode never actually showed her doing this, but they showed her thinking about it and they showed the scars on her harm.  At the end of the episode, she has a friend who helps her realize that she needs help and she starts to see somebody.

I didn't really think much of it when I first saw the episode, but I thought about it more and more in the weeks that followed.  I was dealing with depression, anxiety, and a number of other things and I wanted to feel better.  One day, I decided to see if it really would make me feel better...it did, at least temporarily.  This quickly became my way of coping and surviving, and it was the only way I knew how to cope, and has been my method ever since.

Throughout the years, I've only let a handful of people in regarding this; it's always incredibly hard to do and something I'm very cautious about.  Though not everyone that I've let in is still a part of my life, I'm grateful that they've all been supportive and caring while they were.  I've spent many years trying to hide this about myself from everyone else, though I didn't always have the energy to do so, or the energy to care about doing so.  Because of this, there were obviously other people who noticed, and I proceeded to lie about it to try to hide it.  I lied to my parents, teachers, guidance counselors at school and even my church leaders.  At one point, I had finally grown to trust my bishop and I had shared my struggles, but shortly after I finally started trusting, he was released.  I had a really hard time with this because I didn't trust or open up easily, so when the new bishop was called, I didn't even try to share.  But during a temple trip to do baptisms, my new bishop saw the cuts and called me into his office the next day at church and confronted me about it.  I didn't deal well with the confrontation, I barely knew him, and so I lied until he let me leave.  Looking back, I am aware that I likely didn't fool anybody, but at the time, I believed I had.

Hurting myself hasn't just been limited to cutting, but even burning and bruising.  I know this is a hard concept for a lot of people to understand; why would someone physically hurt themselves?  It's a coping mechanism, just like any other good or bad mechanism.  But it's also an addiction, just like drugs, alcohol, gambling etc, and it's an addiction I've really struggled with.  Sometimes I can go months without hurting myself, sometimes it's only weeks or days.  One time about 6 years ago, I had managed to make it two years without giving in, but one day, in a moment of desperation, I gave in again.

There are a lot of things I feel that drive me to this.  Many people believe that people who hurt themselves only do it for attention; let me assure you, this is not the case.  For the most part, a driving force for me is control.  As you know/have learned, I've struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember.  This isn't something I can control.  Even when nothing specific is "wrong", I'm still overwhelmed with darkness that I can't control.  When I hurt myself, that is a pain I can control.  It also creates a pain that is easier for me to understand.  I don't always understand what is going on in my head; hurting myself takes the mental/emotional pain, and makes it physical.  There is something there that I can see and understand.  I tried to come up with an analogy some time ago to help others understand, the best I could think of was comparing it to a bottle of soda that has been shaken.  Please imagine- you have a bottle of soda and have been shaking it for 5 minutes or more.  The pressure in the bottle has built up so much it seems like it might explode.  When you start to open it, even the smallest movement of the lid begins to release some of the pressure, the more you open it, the more pressure that is released.  That is what it feels like when I hurt myself, every time I act, it releases more and more of the pressure that has built up inside of me.

While this is something that I am trying to overcome, it is also the only coping method/way of surviving that I know.  My old therapist recognized this, and was very compassionate and understanding.  This was the thing I was most scared about sharing with my new therapist.  I've been on a number of support forums online throughout the years and I've heard some horror stories from people about their therapists, so I was terrified that my new therapist might be one of those stories.  I considered not answering when the question inevitably came up in our appointment, but when she was gathering information about my past/background and she asked if I ever hurt myself, I told her that yes, there was a history.  She then asked me if I thought it helped, and I told her that it sounded like a trick question, but that yes, it did.  She said it wasn't a trick question, that many people find that it's helpful and for many people, it's their way of surviving.  I'm grateful that she was understanding of this.  One of the goals we set in therapy was to learn other coping skills so that I don't have to rely on this.  Over the years, I have tried many things to try to cope, but it's an addiction, and I keep returning to it.  Of of the greatest things I have found to help is crocheting.  I'm not very good, but when I crochet, I keep my hands busy, and when I'm doing that, I'm not hurting myself.

Some day I will overcome this.  I'm still not sure why I was so prompted to write and share this, but I pray that maybe it will help someone.