There is a website called PostSecret that some of you may know about. People create their secrets on post cards and mail them to this guy in Maryland. He's compiled several books from them, and he puts new ones up every week on his site: www.postsecret.com Sometimes, I can't relate to any of the secrets, and other times, it's like I had sent it in myself. Here is one of the ones that was posted this week, and if I hadn't known any better, I would have thought I had sent it myself.
Monday marked 6 months since I last hurt myself. That's a pretty good milestone, considering it's been a long time since I've been able to make it longer than a couple of days or weeks. My last act was around the time I started with my new therapist. I wish I could say it was getting easier. But every single day I have to keep fighting it. It comes up every time I'm stressed, upset, frustrated, depressed, hurt, alone, etc. My therapist calls it one of my "fire fighters." My self-harm part and suicidal part work extra hard to try to protect me and the "little girl" that's still struggling inside. Whenever I'm in session, my therapist always reminds me that even though most people, and even the mental health world, give self-harm a bum rap, that it was my method of survival. She says that in that room (my therapist's office), that part can feel safe and know that it's not going to shoved aside or shamed. I'm really grateful I have a therapist who understands this, because it's not something that is easy to understand, even for a professional. But to have a therapist who understands that it's a survival method, and who won't shame me or make me feel bad when I slip up, but instead remind me I'm still here and facing all these parts is really hard and helps me see that I found strength to keep fighting. Obviously she doesn't condone it, but she understands it. Our church also has an Addiction Recovery Program and I used to attend meetings some time ago, but eventually stopped. The past couple of months I started going again and I'm really grateful. The added understanding and support makes a big difference.
There have been some difficult nights recently. I've had to fight a lot of suicidal thoughts in the dark of night by myself. It hasn't been easy. A lot of nights, lying in bed sobbing and pleading with Heavenly Father. Often, when the topic of suicide comes up, people make comments about it being selfish and passing on the pain to others, and other such things. Let me explain something, in the deepest darkest pits, fighting the "demons" of depression and all those parts working overtime; you genuinely feel like you're a burden to everyone around you. That your friends would be better off if you weren't here, or that no one would even notice you were gone. We're not trying to cause pain to other people, if anything, we believe our being alive is what is causing pain. Facing suicidal thoughts is a dark and scary place. And it didn't help that my therapy appointment got canceled this week cause my therapist had car trouble. Sometimes I don't realize just how much they help until I go a week without it. I'm really grateful for this therapist and how much she's been helping. I still have a lot of progress to make, and there's certain things I will probably always struggle with, but I'm in a much better place mentally than I was several months ago. On the nights when I'm lying in bed sobbing, my stuffed animals give me some comfort to help get me through the night. <3
That's really it. There's not much to report on right now. I have my okay days and I have my really rough days. Considering that several months ago I was almost never having any okay days, it's progress, and I'm grateful for it. I'm also very grateful for the friends in my life. All the support, encouragement and love they give me helps me get through every day. And even though I can't always feel the Spirit in my life, the tender mercies in my life are a witness to me that my Savior hasn't forgotten about me.
