***Possible Trigger Warning***
Every year, in the weeks leading up to my birthday, I struggle with some pretty severe suicidal depression. It's kind of hard to explain why it happens. I guess it's the idea of facing another year. Another year of facing this relentless depression. I start hoping, even praying, that I won't make it to my birthday, that I won't have to go on another year in this darkness. I make plans. Maybe not always the when, but the how. It starts plaguing my mind, it's all I can think about. The weight starts getting so heavy that sometimes all I can do it cry. Whether I'm at work, driving, at home, at the store, etc.
The thing is, there is something that helps relieve the weight, something I relied on for so long- hurting myself. It's something I've struggled with since I was somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. I went through periods of being able to go months without acting, and then I'd give in again. At one point I went two years, then I gave in. Last time I hurt myself was November 2015. I honestly thought I was past this. But it was still a DAILY struggle. I had to fight the urge to give in every freakin day of those two years and nine months. This week...I gave in. It was pretty minor, but it happened. I was lonely. I was hurting. I just wanted a break. I just wanted some relief. I'm not sharing this for attention, or for pity. I'm sharing this because I don't want to be ashamed. It's how I cope. It's how I survive. I know it's not great, but it's not as simple as just "not doing it." I want to be open about my experiences so that other people can understand better and so others struggling don't feel so alone. Except this week, I found myself trying to find ways so that people wouldn't see my arms, being grateful that a restaurant was chilly during a family dinner so I wouldn't have to have a conversation about it. The truth is, as much as I want to be open and fight the stigma and help people understand, I am also embarrassed and ashamed that after 15+ years, I'm still relying on this just to survive. And the truth is, it makes me feel better, but I know I'm not supposed to have that kind of attitude. I'm supposed to feel bad, I'm supposed to avoid acting on it. But it helps...
I'm just angry and frustrated. I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and angry that after years of fighting this depression, after finally having a breakthrough earlier this year and having a few really great months, it's back. It's heavy, it's dark. I want an escape because I honestly do not feel like I can keep going on anymore...
Anyways, there's an article I cam across recently that I think EVERYONE should read, ESPECIALLY if you have kids or teenagers, or work with them in any way. None of the adults in my life reacted like this in any way when they had suspicions that I was cutting, and truthfully, if they had, I may have been more willing to open up or try to get help soon.
https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/30/what-children-who-are-self-harming-need-the-adults-in-their-lives-to-know-7893346/?ito=cbshare
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Here goes nothing...
I haven't done a blog post in a long time, and I don't know if I'm even going to publish this because frankly, it's probably going to be heavy and pretty scattered. I should probably list a ***trigger warning*** here for suicidal and self-harm talk.
I was doing really well for a few months. I was feeling great! I wasn't feeling the weight of the depression and the self-harm and suicidal parts were calm. Then, a little more than 2 weeks ago, I went from great to rock bottom, pretty much overnight. I became suicidal and almost (and should have) gone to the hospital. My manager let me stay at the hotel for a couple nights (though I paid for one of them) because I thought if I could get out of my environment and have a change of pace for a few days, and be somewhere a little bit safer, I could still work and not go to the hospital. It was good that I stayed, but it didn't help that much. I was able to get an appointment with my therapist even though I was supposed to be done with therapy. We worked through one particular incident that happened a little bit before this "episode" started, since it was the only thing I could think of to cause this, but I don't think it really had anything to do with it.
We also determined that my "parts", especially my self-harm and suicidal parts are working out of habit. I can feel and acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less real or any easier to deal with. I think they just freaked out. They're not used to things going so well, so they panicked thinking that something was about to happen and they needed to try to get in front of it. If that makes sense? What does all this mean? It means I'm barely hanging on. It means every night I'm lying in bed thinking about ending it. These parts are SCREAMING in my head right now, and it's the only thing I can hear, feel, and see. "You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." It's all that's on my mind for about two weeks now.
So why haven't I gone to the hospital? I thought about it. If I was being smart and safe, that's where I'd be. But it's too terrifying, and lonely. First of all, it's terrifying because I don't know what would happen. I don't do well when I can't have things planned out a little, or at least know what to expect. I tried doing some research to find out more, and I just found horror stories about people who've gone to the ER because they were suicidal. Second of all, finances. I can't afford to lose more than a couple shifts at work. I can't afford a major medical bill if insurance doesn't cover all, or any, of it. I can't afford to lose hours or my job because I abandoned shifts. (Logically, I know that last one won't happen, but I'm still paranoid.) Third, I already feel lonely enough, going to the hospital seems 10x worse. Here's why: They don't allow any electronics and such, which I understand, but that's how I stay connected to people. I'm not trying to be someone who "always needs their phone", but for instance, my best friend is out of the country and the only way we can talk is via an app. Going to the ER by myself, again, feels terrifying. They have limited visiting hours, but I know there's no one who would come to visit. The few people I think *might* come visit, wouldn't have a way to get there, or wouldn't be able to come during the visiting hours. I highly doubt I'd be allowed to have my crocheting, and depending on where I go (the hospital vs. The Meadows) I wouldn't even be allowed to bring a book to read!!! Anything that would bring me just a small amount of comfort in such a scary time, is out. I just don't have the courage or strength to do that. It's not right for me, I think I'd come out of it feeling a lot worse. I did have a friend offer to go in to the ER with me if I end up going, but I know that won't always be an option.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Sure, I have a few "friends", but some of them I seriously question the friendship. For example, 2 or 3 of them in particular, I have watched over and over again make time for every one else in the world but me. They would always claim we were such good friends, but I was more of an after thought. When I would try to make plans, they wouldn't make the time (but they make time for a lot of other people). If we did make plans, they were always cancelled because someone else wanted to do something. I was their friend when it was convenient for them, when they needed to vent or rant about something. A few times I may have been included in a group thing, but then I was treated like an annoyance and then excluded from what they were doing. I'm not trying to sound petty. I know the people I'm thinking of are very busy, and to be fair, by text, they were a good friend. But sometimes that's not enough. I used to get hugs from my best friend all the time. Since he moved away, I don't get hugs from anyone anymore (except the occasional "hi" hug or something) and that really sucks. Sometimes I just really need a hug.
Everyday, something happens to show me or remind me that I'm nothing but a burden and annoyance to everyone around me. There isn't anyone whose life be any different if they hadn't met me. No one would notice if I slip away. Sure, people say they would. But guess what? They don't. When I get in these dark places, I tend to shut down. I'll stop reaching out and texting people, I'll stop responding to people etc. And every time it happens. no one notices. I also noticed some time ago that a majority of the time, I'm the one who texts people first. So guess what, I stopped, just to see if anyone wanted to talk from their own decision, not just responding to me. And no one did.
Work would be fine, they'd have someone to cover my shifts and eventually they'll forget about me.
"You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." This is on repeat 24/7. I desperately want to hurt myself. I've even started carrying around my "tools" again because it brings me comfort to know they're nearby.
Ultimately, I have a plan, well, half a plan. I have a "how", I don't have a "when", which I guess is good. Yes, I'm in contact with my therapist. We're discussing whether or not I'm going to start coming in regularly again, and if so, how often. Yes, I have crisis hotline numbers saved on my phone, and crisis chat sites bookmarked on my computer. Yes, I'm reaching out to people as much as I can manage and as much as they'll let me. Things are just very very very dark right now. I feel hopeless, angry, frustrated and discouraged. I've been crying myself to sleep at night. I'm desperately trying to hold on, even though every single fiber of my being wants to let go.
For anyone who read all of this, thank you for letting me get everything out. I'm sorry it was so heavy.
I was doing really well for a few months. I was feeling great! I wasn't feeling the weight of the depression and the self-harm and suicidal parts were calm. Then, a little more than 2 weeks ago, I went from great to rock bottom, pretty much overnight. I became suicidal and almost (and should have) gone to the hospital. My manager let me stay at the hotel for a couple nights (though I paid for one of them) because I thought if I could get out of my environment and have a change of pace for a few days, and be somewhere a little bit safer, I could still work and not go to the hospital. It was good that I stayed, but it didn't help that much. I was able to get an appointment with my therapist even though I was supposed to be done with therapy. We worked through one particular incident that happened a little bit before this "episode" started, since it was the only thing I could think of to cause this, but I don't think it really had anything to do with it.
We also determined that my "parts", especially my self-harm and suicidal parts are working out of habit. I can feel and acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less real or any easier to deal with. I think they just freaked out. They're not used to things going so well, so they panicked thinking that something was about to happen and they needed to try to get in front of it. If that makes sense? What does all this mean? It means I'm barely hanging on. It means every night I'm lying in bed thinking about ending it. These parts are SCREAMING in my head right now, and it's the only thing I can hear, feel, and see. "You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." It's all that's on my mind for about two weeks now.
So why haven't I gone to the hospital? I thought about it. If I was being smart and safe, that's where I'd be. But it's too terrifying, and lonely. First of all, it's terrifying because I don't know what would happen. I don't do well when I can't have things planned out a little, or at least know what to expect. I tried doing some research to find out more, and I just found horror stories about people who've gone to the ER because they were suicidal. Second of all, finances. I can't afford to lose more than a couple shifts at work. I can't afford a major medical bill if insurance doesn't cover all, or any, of it. I can't afford to lose hours or my job because I abandoned shifts. (Logically, I know that last one won't happen, but I'm still paranoid.) Third, I already feel lonely enough, going to the hospital seems 10x worse. Here's why: They don't allow any electronics and such, which I understand, but that's how I stay connected to people. I'm not trying to be someone who "always needs their phone", but for instance, my best friend is out of the country and the only way we can talk is via an app. Going to the ER by myself, again, feels terrifying. They have limited visiting hours, but I know there's no one who would come to visit. The few people I think *might* come visit, wouldn't have a way to get there, or wouldn't be able to come during the visiting hours. I highly doubt I'd be allowed to have my crocheting, and depending on where I go (the hospital vs. The Meadows) I wouldn't even be allowed to bring a book to read!!! Anything that would bring me just a small amount of comfort in such a scary time, is out. I just don't have the courage or strength to do that. It's not right for me, I think I'd come out of it feeling a lot worse. I did have a friend offer to go in to the ER with me if I end up going, but I know that won't always be an option.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Sure, I have a few "friends", but some of them I seriously question the friendship. For example, 2 or 3 of them in particular, I have watched over and over again make time for every one else in the world but me. They would always claim we were such good friends, but I was more of an after thought. When I would try to make plans, they wouldn't make the time (but they make time for a lot of other people). If we did make plans, they were always cancelled because someone else wanted to do something. I was their friend when it was convenient for them, when they needed to vent or rant about something. A few times I may have been included in a group thing, but then I was treated like an annoyance and then excluded from what they were doing. I'm not trying to sound petty. I know the people I'm thinking of are very busy, and to be fair, by text, they were a good friend. But sometimes that's not enough. I used to get hugs from my best friend all the time. Since he moved away, I don't get hugs from anyone anymore (except the occasional "hi" hug or something) and that really sucks. Sometimes I just really need a hug.
Everyday, something happens to show me or remind me that I'm nothing but a burden and annoyance to everyone around me. There isn't anyone whose life be any different if they hadn't met me. No one would notice if I slip away. Sure, people say they would. But guess what? They don't. When I get in these dark places, I tend to shut down. I'll stop reaching out and texting people, I'll stop responding to people etc. And every time it happens. no one notices. I also noticed some time ago that a majority of the time, I'm the one who texts people first. So guess what, I stopped, just to see if anyone wanted to talk from their own decision, not just responding to me. And no one did.
Work would be fine, they'd have someone to cover my shifts and eventually they'll forget about me.
"You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." This is on repeat 24/7. I desperately want to hurt myself. I've even started carrying around my "tools" again because it brings me comfort to know they're nearby.
Ultimately, I have a plan, well, half a plan. I have a "how", I don't have a "when", which I guess is good. Yes, I'm in contact with my therapist. We're discussing whether or not I'm going to start coming in regularly again, and if so, how often. Yes, I have crisis hotline numbers saved on my phone, and crisis chat sites bookmarked on my computer. Yes, I'm reaching out to people as much as I can manage and as much as they'll let me. Things are just very very very dark right now. I feel hopeless, angry, frustrated and discouraged. I've been crying myself to sleep at night. I'm desperately trying to hold on, even though every single fiber of my being wants to let go.
For anyone who read all of this, thank you for letting me get everything out. I'm sorry it was so heavy.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
A Breakthrough
So, there seems to have been a little bit of a breakthrough with things. As many of you know, I've been talking about this "heaviness" and "darkness" that have plagued me, even though everything has been fine, and it's been incredibly frustrating. Well, my therapist and a colleague or hers had this new theory and so they were going to try something new in therapy.
This theory sort of sounds a little silly, but bear with me. So my therapist's colleague was calling it a "critter." Her theory was that this "critter" creeped into my system when I was hurt and broken and just grew and grew, mostly absorbing any negative energy that was around me. It also turns out that my self-harm part and suicidal part were inviting it in, but not consciously. Both those parts have been around so long, they don't know what to do if that heaviness and darkness weren't there. They also felt like I wanted to get rid of them, so I guess they kind of freaked out. Which, to be far, I did want to get rid of them, but my therapist said I have to look at it a different way. I have to accept that it's always going to have a place, and that it played a huge role in who I've become, but it doesn't need to actively work so hard.
So in therapy, we worked on "expelling" this negative energy. I had to do all these exercises to get those parts to let go of the heaviness and darkness and I had to expel it to the universe where it could be "cared for, but not get back into my system." After we did this, I genuinely could feel a difference. When I walked into therapy that day, the heaviness was at a 5ish, when I was done, it was more like 2 or even 1. This isn't a "one and done" deal. Anytime this negative energy tries to creep back in, I'm going to have to do some exercises to expel it. And my self-harm and suicidal parts are so used to having to work so hard, they don't really know what to do. Today, I felt better than I have for a long, long, time; probably ever actually. It was a little tiring, I'm not used to feeling like that, so I had a lot of energy. Those self-harm/suicidal parts/thoughts are still there a little bit, but they're there out of habit, and slowly, they should be less present. I was feeling good at work today and was sharing some of this with one of my managers and he took a minute and celebrated with me and it felt nice lol. Not just that I felt good, but that I've had managers who have been so supportive and caring that they celebrate in my victories with me.
Something else happened recently that was a HUGE step for me. The Front Desk Manager position at our property recently became vacant. As soon as I knew what happened, I immediately logged into my google account at work (I keep my resume on my google drive) and printed my resume. I went back to my manager and handed it to her and said I wanted to be considered for the replacement. She said they weren't going to be posting/filling the position for a little while until some other things settle down first, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I was going to lose my nerve. I never put myself out there like that. I've never had the confidence to do something like that either. Every day I work, I try to take on some more responsibilities. I've already started doing several things the previous FD manager was doing, I figure the more I know and the more I'm already doing when they make the decision, the better my chances of getting it. Then this weekend, I talked to both my general and assistant managers and I asked them, "If you had to fill the position today, what concerns would you have about giving me the job?" They both gave me some feedback, there wasn't anything major they seemed concerned about, but gave me some helpful comments, and since they're not filling the position for awhile, I have some time to work on anything they're concerned about :-) All of this was a HUGE thing for me. My therapist was really impressed and I'm really proud. Even if I don't get the job, I'm okay with it. This was so much progress for me, that I don't care if I don't get it. (I mean I do care, but I'm okay with whatever happens lol)
This theory sort of sounds a little silly, but bear with me. So my therapist's colleague was calling it a "critter." Her theory was that this "critter" creeped into my system when I was hurt and broken and just grew and grew, mostly absorbing any negative energy that was around me. It also turns out that my self-harm part and suicidal part were inviting it in, but not consciously. Both those parts have been around so long, they don't know what to do if that heaviness and darkness weren't there. They also felt like I wanted to get rid of them, so I guess they kind of freaked out. Which, to be far, I did want to get rid of them, but my therapist said I have to look at it a different way. I have to accept that it's always going to have a place, and that it played a huge role in who I've become, but it doesn't need to actively work so hard.
So in therapy, we worked on "expelling" this negative energy. I had to do all these exercises to get those parts to let go of the heaviness and darkness and I had to expel it to the universe where it could be "cared for, but not get back into my system." After we did this, I genuinely could feel a difference. When I walked into therapy that day, the heaviness was at a 5ish, when I was done, it was more like 2 or even 1. This isn't a "one and done" deal. Anytime this negative energy tries to creep back in, I'm going to have to do some exercises to expel it. And my self-harm and suicidal parts are so used to having to work so hard, they don't really know what to do. Today, I felt better than I have for a long, long, time; probably ever actually. It was a little tiring, I'm not used to feeling like that, so I had a lot of energy. Those self-harm/suicidal parts/thoughts are still there a little bit, but they're there out of habit, and slowly, they should be less present. I was feeling good at work today and was sharing some of this with one of my managers and he took a minute and celebrated with me and it felt nice lol. Not just that I felt good, but that I've had managers who have been so supportive and caring that they celebrate in my victories with me.
Something else happened recently that was a HUGE step for me. The Front Desk Manager position at our property recently became vacant. As soon as I knew what happened, I immediately logged into my google account at work (I keep my resume on my google drive) and printed my resume. I went back to my manager and handed it to her and said I wanted to be considered for the replacement. She said they weren't going to be posting/filling the position for a little while until some other things settle down first, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I was going to lose my nerve. I never put myself out there like that. I've never had the confidence to do something like that either. Every day I work, I try to take on some more responsibilities. I've already started doing several things the previous FD manager was doing, I figure the more I know and the more I'm already doing when they make the decision, the better my chances of getting it. Then this weekend, I talked to both my general and assistant managers and I asked them, "If you had to fill the position today, what concerns would you have about giving me the job?" They both gave me some feedback, there wasn't anything major they seemed concerned about, but gave me some helpful comments, and since they're not filling the position for awhile, I have some time to work on anything they're concerned about :-) All of this was a HUGE thing for me. My therapist was really impressed and I'm really proud. Even if I don't get the job, I'm okay with it. This was so much progress for me, that I don't care if I don't get it. (I mean I do care, but I'm okay with whatever happens lol)
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Struggling With My Faith
I didn't realize it had been so long since my last blog post. Things have been really frustrating lately. Externally, everything is fine. School is coming along, slowly but surely. Work is GREAT, and I love my managers and coworkers. I've been steadily losing weight over the past year. But I still have this "heaviness" and "darkness" that are making me feel like crap. My therapist has a new theory as to what's causing it, so she has a new strategy we're going to be starting soon. Truthfully, I'm pretty much willing to try just about anything.
Anyways, there's something else that's been on my mind- I've really been struggling with my faith recently. My mind is kind of all over the place with this, so I just want to try to sort things out. For awhile now, I have felt abandoned by Heavenly Father and my Savior. I feel like all my prayers, my crying pleas, everything has gone unheard. I was trying to do everything I'm "supposed" to be doing, but the heaviness and darkness doesn't go away. I get that it's not something that is necessarily to get taken away from me, but all I need is just a little bit of comfort, and I don't even get that. It's left me frustrated and angry, and slowly making choices that are pushing me farther from the church. It's like it's 10-12 years ago all over again.
When I was at the branch, before I moved to the ward, I was feeling left out, uncomfortable, and unwelcome. I started to feel like the ward was where I was supposed to be, so I moved. (I think I wrote about this in a previous blog post.) But now, I don't know. I knew going into the family ward, it was gonna be different- but I'm the ONLY one in my current situation. Meaning I'm the only single there that I know of; everyone else is married, most have kids, or are elderly singe. So I'm stuck feeling left out again. Then, between me being new, and the ward boundaries changing, no one even knows, notices, or cares if I'm not around. One of my hopes going into the family ward was that I would have home and visiting teachers that would at least make contact with me occasionally. I don't even need formal visits, I just need someone who occasionally texts me or checks up on me. I was worried about being assigned teachers that I don't know or am not comfortable with, and I had a short list of who I'd be okay with as my home teachers. Truthfully, I'd rather have home teachers I don't know/not comfortable with, but who make contact, than have none at all. However, several months in and I have no idea who my home teachers are, they've never made contact with me. My visiting teachers reached out once in just a "we're your visiting teachers" kind of way. Even if I needed something, I wouldn't feel okay trying to ask them for help; and even if I knew who my home teachers were, if they're not contacting me, I'm certainly not going to be contacting them if I need help. Someone mentioned that I should talk to the Bishop and find out who my home teachers are, but what's the point. If someone says something to them, then they're just doing their home teaching because they're being guilted into it, and that's almost worse.
So no one notices or cares if I'm at church or not. I feel abandoned by Heavenly Father, and I'm left feeling completely alone. Slowly, I stopped making it to church. Then I'm just sitting at home on Sunday's feeling like crap. So I changed my work schedule and instead of working Saturday mornings (which recently has been a struggle for me for some reason), I will be working on Sunday mornings, and I feel good/excited about it. I think it'll be easier for me to handle stress wise, and now I won't be sitting at home alone all day feeling like crap.
There are other choices I've been making recently that are also pushing me a little farther from the church, but I'm not going to go into it right now.
I'm sure at some point in the future I'll sort things out, but right now, I'm just left feeling completely alone. Not even in regards to just church, but in my personal life as well. Just really struggling. I've just started the process of getting a cat, so I really hope that helps my depression some. *crosses fingers*
Anyways, there's something else that's been on my mind- I've really been struggling with my faith recently. My mind is kind of all over the place with this, so I just want to try to sort things out. For awhile now, I have felt abandoned by Heavenly Father and my Savior. I feel like all my prayers, my crying pleas, everything has gone unheard. I was trying to do everything I'm "supposed" to be doing, but the heaviness and darkness doesn't go away. I get that it's not something that is necessarily to get taken away from me, but all I need is just a little bit of comfort, and I don't even get that. It's left me frustrated and angry, and slowly making choices that are pushing me farther from the church. It's like it's 10-12 years ago all over again.
When I was at the branch, before I moved to the ward, I was feeling left out, uncomfortable, and unwelcome. I started to feel like the ward was where I was supposed to be, so I moved. (I think I wrote about this in a previous blog post.) But now, I don't know. I knew going into the family ward, it was gonna be different- but I'm the ONLY one in my current situation. Meaning I'm the only single there that I know of; everyone else is married, most have kids, or are elderly singe. So I'm stuck feeling left out again. Then, between me being new, and the ward boundaries changing, no one even knows, notices, or cares if I'm not around. One of my hopes going into the family ward was that I would have home and visiting teachers that would at least make contact with me occasionally. I don't even need formal visits, I just need someone who occasionally texts me or checks up on me. I was worried about being assigned teachers that I don't know or am not comfortable with, and I had a short list of who I'd be okay with as my home teachers. Truthfully, I'd rather have home teachers I don't know/not comfortable with, but who make contact, than have none at all. However, several months in and I have no idea who my home teachers are, they've never made contact with me. My visiting teachers reached out once in just a "we're your visiting teachers" kind of way. Even if I needed something, I wouldn't feel okay trying to ask them for help; and even if I knew who my home teachers were, if they're not contacting me, I'm certainly not going to be contacting them if I need help. Someone mentioned that I should talk to the Bishop and find out who my home teachers are, but what's the point. If someone says something to them, then they're just doing their home teaching because they're being guilted into it, and that's almost worse.
So no one notices or cares if I'm at church or not. I feel abandoned by Heavenly Father, and I'm left feeling completely alone. Slowly, I stopped making it to church. Then I'm just sitting at home on Sunday's feeling like crap. So I changed my work schedule and instead of working Saturday mornings (which recently has been a struggle for me for some reason), I will be working on Sunday mornings, and I feel good/excited about it. I think it'll be easier for me to handle stress wise, and now I won't be sitting at home alone all day feeling like crap.
There are other choices I've been making recently that are also pushing me a little farther from the church, but I'm not going to go into it right now.
I'm sure at some point in the future I'll sort things out, but right now, I'm just left feeling completely alone. Not even in regards to just church, but in my personal life as well. Just really struggling. I've just started the process of getting a cat, so I really hope that helps my depression some. *crosses fingers*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)