A Day In Bed: Not A Vacation

Yesterday was one of those days that I just couldn't get out of bed most of the day.  No matter how much I wanted too, or how much I tried, I just couldn't.  There was a friend I had a few years ago that once said I was "lucky" on those days.  Let me explain something, there is NOTHING "lucky" about it.  It's not a vacation, it's not a "lazy Sunday", it's a miserable experience.  I have no energy or motivation to do anything.  I lay in bed sobbing, trying to fight for my life.  While I lay in bed, all that runs through my mind is how worthless I am.  I recently found an article that had little "comics" about what depression and anxiety can feel like, and I think it describes it pretty accurately, especially about days like this.  The artist is Nick Seluk, who took someone's story of depression and anxiety and illustrated it.  The original article is here:  http://www.upworthy.com/a-comic-that-accurately-sums-up-depression-and-anxiety-and-the-uphill-battle-of-living-with-them?c=pop.  I am sharing these with express permission from Nick, you can follow him on his Facebook page.

I beg of you, PLEASE look at all of them.  They are so spot on and I think it can help others explain and understand it.  When I have days that I'm too depressed to get out of bed, it's not because I need to "snap out of it", it's not a free vacation, and I'm certainly not lucky.  When I have those days, it's because no matter what I do I LITERALLY just cannot get the energy to get out bed.

Lessons Learned- Friendships and a Support System

I'm sure we've all had our share of experiences/friendships that have left us hurt.  In theory, we can learn from those experiences as we continue to grow, though it's not always the easiest thing.  I've had a number of experiences that have left me alone and hurt, but it's what I've learned from them, and from myself, that has led to the great friends and support system I have today, and that support system has been instrumental in helping me to continue fighting.

One of the hardest experiences was when someone, who I thought was one of my best friends, basically threw me in the dirt.  One day I received a message (back when AOL Instant Messaging was big) from an unknown username saying that I was a waste of space, waste of air, I was disgusting, didn't deserve to live etc etc etc.  It wasn't until a little while later that I discovered it was from my so-called best friend.  Not only that, but I discovered that she and another friend of hers were continually saying really awful things about me behind my back.  When I confronted her about it, she lied to me.  She has since apologized and we're on speaking terms, but it's hard to take the 'friendship' seriously because I question everything she says to me.

A few years later, I had a really close group of friends from work.  We were around each other all the time and always working together, it's not surprising we became close.  Unfortunately, those friendships didn't last too long after we weren't working together anymore.  Looking back, a couple of those friendships weren't the best.  Some of them would purposely do things that they knew upset me to see how close they could get me to breaking down, or how fast they could get me to break down.  I had such low self-esteem that I didn't even care, I thought they were my friends and I wouldn't have done anything for them.  

Another experience that really influenced me was my friendship with a girl throughout middle school and part of high school.  She was my absolute best friend.  Sometime during high school, we had some sort of falling out (to be honest, I don't even remember what it was about.)   Several years later, we somehow reconnected and have become very close again.  We both work weird schedules, and she lives over an hour away, so sometimes we don't get to talk very often, but we have the kind of friendship where even though we don't get to talk a whole lot, if one of us ever needs anything, the other one is just a phone call or text away.  I'm really grateful to have her in my life :-)

There have been some other experiences, but obviously I'm not going to sit here and list every single friendship I've ever had, but I've learned a lot through all of these.  In addition to that, I've learned that one of the best things in trying to fight depression, is having a great support system/friends.  I'm incredibly lucky with the friends I have now.  I have a small number of very close friends, and a handful others, all that I love dearly.  My two best friends in particular (one of whom I'm lucky enough to get to have as a roommate as well) have gotten me through a lot of stuff, and I'm so grateful for their support.  

Something I started to put together a long time ago is this little "folder" (pictured below).  I have filled it with letters and cards and things that those around me have given me that make me smile, make me feel good, and help to remind me that someone cares/loves me.  It's almost always in my bag, or stuck in my journal at home, but it's been a great comfort in a lot of hard moments/nights.

New Hope

I had my 2nd session with my new therapist today.  Despite it only being the second session, I can already tell a huge difference between her and my old therapist and I'm so grateful.  Like I mentioned last time, my old therapist never sat down with me to set goals or a treatment plan.  For the most part, it was just me talking, not that that was necessarily a bad thing, but it was definitely missing a lot.

So today my therapist introduced me to some trauma therapy techniques she wants to do with me.  She wants to try both and then see which one seems to have more effect and go with that one.

So the first one is EMDR- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing"  It has to do with bilateral sensory input and our brains ability to work through things and cope with things.  The therapy involves the therapist doing something to initiate the bilateral input, such as moving her fingers back and forth in front of my face, using musical tones, foot or hand tapping etc etc.  The device she uses stimulates vibration in these little devices that I hold in my hand and the vibration goes back and forth between each hand.  Then I recall a distressing event while my therapist acts as a guide and slowly guides me to more positive thinking.  It's supposed to help lessen my emotional response to triggers and better cope with things.

The other therapy is called "Parts" and from what I understand it's close to cognitive behavior therapy.  It will retrain my brain to change how I think/feel about myself.  Just because other people have made me a certain way, doesn't mean it's true, so the goal is to teach my brain to see this.

I'm not saying that my depression will ever COMPLETELY go away, but for probably the first time ever, I have a teeny, tiny, minuscule amount of hope that maybe it won't be as unbearable as it is now, and this feeling is very new to me.


http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it

New therapist---New plan

This blog is still something I'm unsure about, but something keeps telling me I just need to do it.  Much like the night I decided to set it up, apparently, there is some reason for me to do this blog, whether for me, or someone else (or both.)  I keep telling myself there are certain topics that I'm not going to bring up in here, but the impression I keep receiving is "No, you need to talk about those too, openly and honestly."  Those posts will take some time to write, but apparently I'll be writing those too :-/  Anyways...on to today---


Today I saw a new therapist.

Therapy has never been easy for me, and I've been in and out of therapy a lot of my life.  When I was younger (around 6th grade), my parents took me a psychologist for awhile, but I really didn't like him.  After awhile, I just stopped opening up during our sessions until he told my mom I didn't need to come anymore.  (At the time I thought I fooled him, looking back, it's more likely he saw what I was doing and realized it wasn't worth my parents time or money if I wasn't going to open up.)

Sometime in middle school (or early high school), supposedly my mom took me to see some person but I refused to talk and so the woman told my mom it wasn't worth it or something.  (I have no memory of this happening.)

Then, a few years ago, I finally decided to start on my own.  I really liked the first therapist I saw so I stuck with her.  Eventually, she was on maternity leave so I stopped seeing anyone until she came back.  When she came back, she had a limited schedule so I could only see her every so often.  Then there issues of being able to afford it, and insurance change with my moms job so it wasn't covered, then it all switched again so it was.  It's basically been a huge roller coaster.

A couple of months ago, I started toying with the thought of switching therapists.  While I loved my current therapist, I just didn't feel like I was really getting anything from it.  I mean, I would go in and talk, and that was good and all, but I didn't feel like I was working towards anything.  Then I turned 26 and lost my insurance coverage under my parents and my new insurance coverage wasn't accepted at her office anymore.  I could still see her, but the self-pay rate was $75, it didn't really seem worth it if I felt like it wasn't going anywhere.  So, it seemed like the choice was made, I was switching therapists.

I took the list of people who were covered, and started doing some research into who I might fit best with.  I narrowed it down to 6 and a close friend of mine gave some thoughts/input and I narrowed it down to 3.  I picked the one of the three that seemed the best fit and I made an appointment, which was this morning.  I was terrified.  I really didn't want to go, I didn't want to have rehash everything from my past, but I knew I would have to because it's stuff that still affects me, so to understand where I am now, it would be necessary to go through all that again.  In addition, there was a particular issue I was scared about being honest about (in theory, there will be a blog post about it eventually, it'll be one of the hardest ones I write.)  My old therapist was very caring/compassionate and understanding about it, and I needed that; but I have read horror stories from some of the support forums I'm on from other people and their therapists on this particular issue, so I was really scared.  Thankfully, I was able to make an appointment for just after work, and her office is literally right across the street from work (the hotel street number is 2215, her street number is 2214.) so I didn't have a lot of time to try to talk myself out of it.

I have to say, I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing.  The therapist is very nice.  Of course the first appointment was filled with questions about what I struggle with and experience and my past.  She asked about my family, schooling, work, support system, feelings, events etc etc.  She gave me assessments for anxiety and depression to fill out.  She diagnosed me with severe depression (which I've already been diagnosed with) and she specified my anxiety diagnosis a little more and diagnosed me with panic disorder.  She also explained a little bit about why I experience those feelings of distorted reality and disconnect when I have panic attacks.  She also noticed a possible connection between an incident that occurred when I was in 2nd grade and when I started experiencing anxiety/panic attacks.  She was also very understanding about the particular issue that I was scared about being honest about.  Then we sat down and kind of set up a treatment plan and some goals I want to achieve (something that my old therapist never did.)  Before I left, she said I was a fresh of breath air because apparently she doesn't have a lot of clients who actually have or want goals, they just come in and complain, but I walked in wanting to be able to make goals.  (What is the point of therapy if I'm not going to work towards anything?)

Anyways, I'm going to be seeing her every week for awhile.  I like that she's right across the street from work.  My old therapist was almost out in Boalsburg, so it was kind of annoying to get too.  I hope things continue to go well with her, we'll have to see, but things look good.

Thank you to those who encouraged me the past few weeks to keep my appointment and supported me in going, I appreciate it.

Panic Attacks and Depersonalization/Derealization

My first "official" post.  I hope to do one or two of these a week.

Panic attacks. --- An unfortunate event that can make someone feel like they're dying.  Your heart races, you're sweating, hyperventilating, you feel like everything is closing in around you.  There is a difference between just having panic attacks, and having a panic disorder.  Generally, if you change your behavior specifically because of the panic attacks, it becomes a panic disorder.  (For example, avoiding a certain place because you once had a panic attack there.)  As far as I know, I don't suffer from panic disorder, but I do suffer from panic attacks.

My earliest memorie of having a panic attack was in elementary school.  The only problem was, I didn't know what it was, so I didn't know how to convey what was happening.  In addition, I suffer from something else that comes with my panic attacks.  When I experience panic attacks, I also experience a sense of distorted reality.  I feel disconnected from my body, from my surroundings, from reality.  I feel like I am floating above my body watching myself.  I can't tell what is real and I can't seem to get a grasp on reality.  It has always been incredibly hard to describe and I didn't even know there was a name for it until recently.  This is called depersonalization/derealization.  I remember experiencing this was I was younger, and even though I didn't know what was happening, I knew that getting out of the room I was in for a few minutes seemed to help a little bit.  So every time these feelings came on, I would ask to go to the bathroom.  Of course eventually, my teachers began asking if I was okay.  I didn't even know what to say.  The only thing I could think of to describe what I was feeling was that "my depression was taking over and I just needed to get out of the room for a few minutes."  They were generally understanding after that and left me alone.

The physical symptoms of a panic attack, I can manage.  What becomes terrifying for me, is the distorted reality and disconnected feeling.  It's so hard to deal with and come of out.  How do I get myself back to reality?  I have some general breathing exercises I rely on to get me through anxiety in general, which can also be helpful during panic attacks.  Cool, fresh air can also be very helpful.  If I'm at home, taking a shower can help bring me back to reality, at the very least, running my hands under cold water.  I've also discovered texting someone and trying to "connect" to someone can help too.  I've never really discovered what triggers my attacks most of the time.  Being around a large number of people can trigger my anxiety and result in triggering a panic attack.  Oddly enough, I've also discovered that getting a "deja vu" feeling also triggers a panic attack.  For most of my life, my panic attacks seemed to come in cycles.  They would be really bad for a couple of weeks, and then I wouldn't have any at all for a month of two.  They've slowly become more and more frequent and severe though.  They can make stressful situations worse.  They're terrifying, and not being able to control them, makes them even more so.

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/understanding-panic-attack-basics
http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/derealization
http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/distorted-reality
http://www.anxietycoach.com/depersonalization.html

Introduction

This blog is something I've considered doing for quite some time now.  Out there in the "blog-o-sphere" I have an anonymous blog I created about my battle with depression as part of an online community group, but I want to be more open about my experiences, and that means creating a blog that is not anonymous.  So I'm following some of the examples from the amazing people around me, and I'm going to begin sharing more openly.  There's several reasons why I want to do this and what I hope to achieve from doing this---

•      Create awareness
•      Help others understand mental illness
•      Help fight the stigma against mental illness
•      To let others know they're not alone

I intend to be truthful in all that I write.  These are my own experiences, my own perspectives and my own feelings of how events affected/influenced me.  Some of these things may not be "news" to some, but a lot of it will be things that I've only talked about with few very select people.  If anything I post involves another person, I'll do my best to keep that person anonymous.  I apologize for anything that may be essentially "coming clean" about and that maybe I should talk about in person, but it's much easier for me to convey my thoughts in writing, so please try to be understanding.  (This mostly applies to family.)

If this blog "takes off" in any sort of way, I would be open to having guest writers if anyone had anything that they also wanted to share (I can post them anonymously or with your name, it would be your choice.)

I hope this blog will help create some awareness and understanding and even some healing as I write things out.  Feel free to share it if you feel so inclined.  I hope to make my first "official" post soon.