I have been feeling so frustrated and angry lately, not to mention discouraged.
I'm angry that I've been working so freakin hard to overcome so much but that depression/dark part is still so strong, so present, so heavy and so disruptive. I have made so much progress in therapy over the past year. There is so much that is different, but yet this darkness is still there. We've established in therapy that this is the depression itself and at this point, there isn't really anything that my "parts therapy" is going to help, so now it's up to medicine. But that's been pretty frustrating too, I'm not real pleased with my new psychiatrist. So a little background information, I've tried a number of anti-depressants with no real long-term results. About half of those were when I was a teenager, which I make sure I mention to new doctors because I know anti-depressants can have a different effect on teenagers and young adults, than it does when you're a little older. So when I started with her, I was on a medicine called Effexor. Dr. K talked about how hard it is to come off of that medicine because of the withdrawals and that she wanted to avoid doing that. She saw my history and noted a have had a binge eating disorder and she immediately prescribed "Vyvanse." She said it was supposed to help the binge eating, even though I was very specific and clarified that the binge eating wasn't really an issue anymore. It still happens occasionally, but not enough to be classified as a B.E.D. right now. But she said it was a stimulant and it would help with my depression too. I was able to get a free one month supply, but my insurance wouldn't pay for it, so I was only on it for a month. My last appointment earlier this week, she decided before she tried adding another medicine again, she was just going to up the dosage of my current medicine. So now I'm at the highest dosage of a medicine that is apparently really hard to come off of. I'm not thrilled at the moment. Honestly, if I had realized how hard it would be to come off when my regular doctor first prescribed it, I might have said no. My therapist has actually mentioned that she probably wouldn't want me coming off of it unless I was in the hospital or something where I can be in a safe, monitored environment, especially with how much I've been struggling with my self-harm and suicidal parts.
Speaking of self-harm, Tuesday marked 1 year since I last hurt myself. I know this is supposed to be an accomplishment, but it hasn't really felt like it. It's still a daily struggle to fight against that part, and it still feels like any day that 1 year mark could go away. It hasn't gotten any easier and it's just so discouraging. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. My therapist said I should celebrate, but I don't really feel like it.
A few posts ago, I mentioned something about starting some neurofeedback. It's officially going to be starting in the next week or two. It's not something insurance pays for, and it can be expensive, but Karen (therapist) said that for someone like me who has been really committed to treatment and recovery, they're going to do it free of cost. I'll actually be one of the first one's at that office to do it. It's supposed to help re-wire my brain and shift it's responses and stuff. I'll wear sensors on my head and I'll probably be going twice a week. I really hope it does something. I'm desperate for some relief.
Lastly, on just a random note; I've started writing some poems recently. I tried writing poems when I was in high school, but I always felt like they weren't that great. But recently, a friend got me interested in giving it a try again. It's also a way to try to express myself in a different way, because lately I've been feeling really like everything I say has become repetitive and meaningless. I've posted a couple of the poems on Facebook, all but one, but I don't know if I'll end up posting them all on facebook or not.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Thursday, November 10, 2016
How are you?
I've been wanting to write a blog post for a week or two now. But what to say? I feel like lately, everything I say is repetitive, and meaningless. There was an article recently talking about the struggle of lying/telling the truth when someone asks you how you are?
This is almost exactly how I've been feeling lately. When someone asks me how I am, how do I answer? Is it a brief, passing, polite "how are you"? In which case, I definitely don't tell the truth. Are they being sincere, but is it someone I'm comfortable with? What if it's someone I've already opened to a lot, someone I reach out to a lot? Do they really want to hear it again? Am I burden? If I tell them the truth, which is the same response it's been for months, will they even believe me anymore? Or have my words become completely and ridiculously repetitive and meaningless.
Then move on to the next part I quoted. There used to be a time where I worked really hard to try to hide everything going on. I didn't trust people, I didn't open up. Maybe I wasn't perfect at hiding it all, but it was something. But now? Now I actively try to be vocal about it and try to be an "advocate" (so to speak) against the stigma of mental health. But it really is like opening a Pandora's box. Sometimes I wish I could back to hiding.
There have been a lot of things I've been feeling recently. I still have to continually deal with these suicidal and self-harm parts. Every fiber of my being is telling me to give in to them. It would be easier. I'd feel relief. I'd feel in control.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having to fight again those parts. I'm tired of dealing with the depression, anxiety, and OCD. It beats me down and it wears on me. I'm just freakin tired. I'm angry. I'm discouraged. I work so hard and I do my best to try to manage, fight, and beat this crap. I'm doing all this stuff and it's like it's not even doing anything! Still have difficulties with my medication and that causes it's own set of problems.
I just can't do it anymore. I don't have the strength, I don't have the energy, I don't have the motivation.
"When someone, who I care about and who cares about me, asks how I am doing, it is even more complicated. What runs through my mind is: Right now, do they really want the truth? Do they have the time or the energy for it? Do I? Can they handle the truth? Do they think at this point I am being dramatic with them because they see me interacting with other people as if I don’t have a care in the world? Am I becoming (or have I been) a burden with my prolonged need for support to this person?I’m so tired of hearing myself talk about the crap going on in my head. I bet they are too.
. . .
"This lie makes me much more pleasant to be around. Conversation doesn’t need to focus on my issues. I am the only one overtly affected by my depression. It just seems simpler. Not so healthy, but definitely easier on everyone except me.
There are many times I wish I could go back to my old standard response. Yet, alas, I have opened Pandora’s box. Being authentic after years of creating a multi-layered mask is like navigating my way through treacherous waters in a row boat. I am constantly being tossed around in the waves, and I feel like I am going to be thrown out at any second."
This is almost exactly how I've been feeling lately. When someone asks me how I am, how do I answer? Is it a brief, passing, polite "how are you"? In which case, I definitely don't tell the truth. Are they being sincere, but is it someone I'm comfortable with? What if it's someone I've already opened to a lot, someone I reach out to a lot? Do they really want to hear it again? Am I burden? If I tell them the truth, which is the same response it's been for months, will they even believe me anymore? Or have my words become completely and ridiculously repetitive and meaningless.
Then move on to the next part I quoted. There used to be a time where I worked really hard to try to hide everything going on. I didn't trust people, I didn't open up. Maybe I wasn't perfect at hiding it all, but it was something. But now? Now I actively try to be vocal about it and try to be an "advocate" (so to speak) against the stigma of mental health. But it really is like opening a Pandora's box. Sometimes I wish I could back to hiding.
There have been a lot of things I've been feeling recently. I still have to continually deal with these suicidal and self-harm parts. Every fiber of my being is telling me to give in to them. It would be easier. I'd feel relief. I'd feel in control.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having to fight again those parts. I'm tired of dealing with the depression, anxiety, and OCD. It beats me down and it wears on me. I'm just freakin tired. I'm angry. I'm discouraged. I work so hard and I do my best to try to manage, fight, and beat this crap. I'm doing all this stuff and it's like it's not even doing anything! Still have difficulties with my medication and that causes it's own set of problems.
I just can't do it anymore. I don't have the strength, I don't have the energy, I don't have the motivation.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Therapy Shake Up
Well, therapy was interesting this week.
So for awhile now, we've been trying to work with this "dark part" that's been present. This part is what the suicidal and self-harm part try to protect me from. This is also a part that I've never been able to visualize separate from myself like I do the other parts, and when we try to "work with it" in therapy, I never seem to get anything from it. It's a heavy, overwhelming darkness that feels like it has seeped into my entire being. Sometimes it's not quite as dark as other times, but right now, it's really bad. I've made a lot of progress in therapy, and there are definitely a lot of things that are different than they were a year ago. I've been trying to do everything I can and everything I'm supposed to be to the best of my ability. This has included church stuff, going to work, doing school, getting out of bed and out of my bedroom/apartment, reaching out to others and being social when I can, doing things like yoga and some other exercise when I can, therapy and medicine etc etc etc. Despite all of this, that dark part won't go away. Finally, Karen (therapist) concluded that this dark part is the depression itself, it's the brain chemistry; and while there's a lot we can do with working with my parts, this is something that parts therapy isn't going to help.
Time for a shake up...
First Karen is going to run an IVA test. She said it's done on the computer and when I hear/see a 1, I click the mouse, and when I hear/see a 2, I DON'T click. Apparently they can tell a bunch of stuff from that. She's going to be in contact with Dr. K (psychiatrist) to talk about my medicine. Dr. K was avoiding taking me off my current medicine because of the withdrawal symptoms, but depending on what this test shows, she may end up having to change it. Then, she wants to start doing neurofeedback. She said they attach sensors to my head and they will teach/train my brain to respond to certain things? She didn't go into much detail about it, since it was the end of the session. I've been trying to do a little research. From what I've been able to read, (and someone can correct me if I'm wrong), the idea is that the neurofeedback trains patients to have better handle/control of their emotions. This abstract here has some more information (I haven't gotten through all of it) http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0038115
Karen said it'll be done right there at the office, so I asked if it was "charged" to the insurance the same way as a therapy session. She said it's actually something insurance doesn't pay for at all and they offer it as an "add-on" service (it's still fairly new for them to offer) but they're working on a plan for patients who have been working hard and haven't been responding to other things (such as medicine and therapy) and this is really the next course of action, they're planning on offering it free of charge. So she said it wasn't going to cost me anything, which is a huge blessing, because I imagine it's not cheap.
In the meantime, I've grown more desperate and more discouraged. I'm trying to keep my ahead above water, but I'm really struggling. I'm really grateful for all the friends I have around me supporting and encouraging me. They're definitely helping me to stay afloat. Thank you.
So for awhile now, we've been trying to work with this "dark part" that's been present. This part is what the suicidal and self-harm part try to protect me from. This is also a part that I've never been able to visualize separate from myself like I do the other parts, and when we try to "work with it" in therapy, I never seem to get anything from it. It's a heavy, overwhelming darkness that feels like it has seeped into my entire being. Sometimes it's not quite as dark as other times, but right now, it's really bad. I've made a lot of progress in therapy, and there are definitely a lot of things that are different than they were a year ago. I've been trying to do everything I can and everything I'm supposed to be to the best of my ability. This has included church stuff, going to work, doing school, getting out of bed and out of my bedroom/apartment, reaching out to others and being social when I can, doing things like yoga and some other exercise when I can, therapy and medicine etc etc etc. Despite all of this, that dark part won't go away. Finally, Karen (therapist) concluded that this dark part is the depression itself, it's the brain chemistry; and while there's a lot we can do with working with my parts, this is something that parts therapy isn't going to help.
Time for a shake up...
First Karen is going to run an IVA test. She said it's done on the computer and when I hear/see a 1, I click the mouse, and when I hear/see a 2, I DON'T click. Apparently they can tell a bunch of stuff from that. She's going to be in contact with Dr. K (psychiatrist) to talk about my medicine. Dr. K was avoiding taking me off my current medicine because of the withdrawal symptoms, but depending on what this test shows, she may end up having to change it. Then, she wants to start doing neurofeedback. She said they attach sensors to my head and they will teach/train my brain to respond to certain things? She didn't go into much detail about it, since it was the end of the session. I've been trying to do a little research. From what I've been able to read, (and someone can correct me if I'm wrong), the idea is that the neurofeedback trains patients to have better handle/control of their emotions. This abstract here has some more information (I haven't gotten through all of it) http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0038115
Karen said it'll be done right there at the office, so I asked if it was "charged" to the insurance the same way as a therapy session. She said it's actually something insurance doesn't pay for at all and they offer it as an "add-on" service (it's still fairly new for them to offer) but they're working on a plan for patients who have been working hard and haven't been responding to other things (such as medicine and therapy) and this is really the next course of action, they're planning on offering it free of charge. So she said it wasn't going to cost me anything, which is a huge blessing, because I imagine it's not cheap.
In the meantime, I've grown more desperate and more discouraged. I'm trying to keep my ahead above water, but I'm really struggling. I'm really grateful for all the friends I have around me supporting and encouraging me. They're definitely helping me to stay afloat. Thank you.
Monday, October 3, 2016
New Medicine and Treatment Resistant Depression
So, I saw the new psychiatrist on Friday. First a nurse called me back to do weight/blood pressure and other stuff. Then she did a suicide risk assessment again. Well, I learned my lesson the last time. I was honest, but I wasn't as honest as I was the first time; there was no way in the world I was dealing with all that again.
So after that, I met with Dr. K. She was nice enough I guess, but she wasn't very personable. Anyways, here's the deal. The medicine I'm currently on (Effexor) is apparently really hard to come off of because there are a lot of withdrawal symptoms; so even if I do some off of it, it'll take awhile because I'm at a higher dosage and you have to come off of it slowly. We also talked about some of the other medicines I've tried before, and she said based on those, she's not sure what she would prescribe because I've tried anti-depressants from different categories. (I made sure to mention that at least a couple of those medicines were taken when I was younger (teenage years) so I'm not sure if my body would respond the same way to them now. I know anti-depressants have different effects in teenagers than they do in adults, so I figured she would want to know in case she wanted to retry one of them.) So she decided to add a prescription for now: Vyvanse. So Vyvanse is supposed to treat ADHD, but it is also supposed to help treat BED (Binge Eating Disorder). It's supposed to help decrease the number of binge days. I've also been having a really hard time focusing lately (and getting very little school work done), so it should help with that too. It's a stimulant and thought to work by restoring the balance of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, which means it should help some with the depression as well. We'll see what happens. We'll also see about insurance. When I got the prescription filled, the pharmacy said my insurance required prior authorization for this medicine, so they were gonna fax the doctor. But I also had a card from the information packet my doctor gave me for a free 30 supply and then another card for a 30-day supply for $15 for 12 months. So I gave them that too. I was also getting my other medicines filled, so I was waiting about half an hour and when I paid, this particular medicine didn't cost me anything, but they also gave me back the card for the free month supply. So I'm not really sure if they got the authorization that fast, or if they just used the card. But I looked at the packet from the pharmacy and it's originally almost $330!!!! Wow.
Anyways, this visit with Dr.K has me a little concerned. There's a thing known as TRD- Treatment Resistant Depression. What is exactly defined as TRD is up for a debate a little bit, but it's basically defined as a case of depression that doesn't respond to anywhere from two to at least four different antidepressants from different classes. (http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/treatment-resistant-depression-what-is-treatment-resistant-depression#1) Basically, it's not easily treated. It takes a lot longer to find a good combination of treatments (between medicine, therapy and lifestyle changes) and it's even possible that no combination will fully treat it. That's what worries me. I've made a lot of progress in therapy. There have been a lot of things that are different from a year ago, but those dark, self-harm, and suicidal parts are still so active and present. These are the parts that have become unbearable for me. What if there isn't a way to fully get relief from them? :-/
Something else we're going to try to add to my treatment is an emotional support animal (a cat) but because my apartment complex has a very strict no-pet policy (not even the option to pay for a deposit), it's going to be more difficult because I have to get a letter from my therapist (and maybe even my psychiatrist if I want to have more to provide the apartment office with) and possibly have to fight the complex about it. Also, I'm not sure yet if I'd be able to afford to have a cat (though I think I can make it work), or if all my roommates would be okay it, even if it's in my room most of the time. There are also some neurostimulation treatments that have become available and a little bit more common. Something like that would take a LOT of research and consideration and a lot of talk with my doctors and therapist.
Things are just really frustrating and I'm getting really discouraged. I hope the added medicine will have some affect.
EDIT: So I know that legally the apartment will have to let me have an emotional support animal, but I suspect they will still try to fight it initially, especially because most people/places aren't familiar with the laws around an ESA. Thankfully, my current therapist is pretty familiar with it. My old therapist didn't really have any information and was hesitant to write a letter because then it goes into writing that I'm "disabled" (which technically, I am) and she didn't know who all would have access to the letter, even though I signed a release that she could give information. She did write a letter, but it didn't really have the information in it that I needed it to to be able to take to the office.
So after that, I met with Dr. K. She was nice enough I guess, but she wasn't very personable. Anyways, here's the deal. The medicine I'm currently on (Effexor) is apparently really hard to come off of because there are a lot of withdrawal symptoms; so even if I do some off of it, it'll take awhile because I'm at a higher dosage and you have to come off of it slowly. We also talked about some of the other medicines I've tried before, and she said based on those, she's not sure what she would prescribe because I've tried anti-depressants from different categories. (I made sure to mention that at least a couple of those medicines were taken when I was younger (teenage years) so I'm not sure if my body would respond the same way to them now. I know anti-depressants have different effects in teenagers than they do in adults, so I figured she would want to know in case she wanted to retry one of them.) So she decided to add a prescription for now: Vyvanse. So Vyvanse is supposed to treat ADHD, but it is also supposed to help treat BED (Binge Eating Disorder). It's supposed to help decrease the number of binge days. I've also been having a really hard time focusing lately (and getting very little school work done), so it should help with that too. It's a stimulant and thought to work by restoring the balance of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, which means it should help some with the depression as well. We'll see what happens. We'll also see about insurance. When I got the prescription filled, the pharmacy said my insurance required prior authorization for this medicine, so they were gonna fax the doctor. But I also had a card from the information packet my doctor gave me for a free 30 supply and then another card for a 30-day supply for $15 for 12 months. So I gave them that too. I was also getting my other medicines filled, so I was waiting about half an hour and when I paid, this particular medicine didn't cost me anything, but they also gave me back the card for the free month supply. So I'm not really sure if they got the authorization that fast, or if they just used the card. But I looked at the packet from the pharmacy and it's originally almost $330!!!! Wow.
Anyways, this visit with Dr.K has me a little concerned. There's a thing known as TRD- Treatment Resistant Depression. What is exactly defined as TRD is up for a debate a little bit, but it's basically defined as a case of depression that doesn't respond to anywhere from two to at least four different antidepressants from different classes. (http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/treatment-resistant-depression-what-is-treatment-resistant-depression#1) Basically, it's not easily treated. It takes a lot longer to find a good combination of treatments (between medicine, therapy and lifestyle changes) and it's even possible that no combination will fully treat it. That's what worries me. I've made a lot of progress in therapy. There have been a lot of things that are different from a year ago, but those dark, self-harm, and suicidal parts are still so active and present. These are the parts that have become unbearable for me. What if there isn't a way to fully get relief from them? :-/
Something else we're going to try to add to my treatment is an emotional support animal (a cat) but because my apartment complex has a very strict no-pet policy (not even the option to pay for a deposit), it's going to be more difficult because I have to get a letter from my therapist (and maybe even my psychiatrist if I want to have more to provide the apartment office with) and possibly have to fight the complex about it. Also, I'm not sure yet if I'd be able to afford to have a cat (though I think I can make it work), or if all my roommates would be okay it, even if it's in my room most of the time. There are also some neurostimulation treatments that have become available and a little bit more common. Something like that would take a LOT of research and consideration and a lot of talk with my doctors and therapist.
Things are just really frustrating and I'm getting really discouraged. I hope the added medicine will have some affect.
EDIT: So I know that legally the apartment will have to let me have an emotional support animal, but I suspect they will still try to fight it initially, especially because most people/places aren't familiar with the laws around an ESA. Thankfully, my current therapist is pretty familiar with it. My old therapist didn't really have any information and was hesitant to write a letter because then it goes into writing that I'm "disabled" (which technically, I am) and she didn't know who all would have access to the letter, even though I signed a release that she could give information. She did write a letter, but it didn't really have the information in it that I needed it to to be able to take to the office.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Tired of fighting
***Trigger Warning***Not sure if it needs it, but this is kind of a heavy post (I feel like it is anyways) and there is talk about suicide and self-harm***
Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting.
I've been making progress in therapy, and I've been taking some positive steps, even my therapist has commented about how proud she is. But despite all that, there is this overwhelming and heavy darkness that is just attached me to me; a part of me. I have yet to be able to visualize this "part" separate from myself. In response to this particular part, my "fire fighter" parts, especially the self-harm and suicidal parts, become very active. Since this dark part never seems to fully leave, it means those fire fighter parts are always active. I know they're trying to protect me, but I still have to somehow actively fight against them. It wears me out. It leaves me exhausted, emotional, and feeling vulnerable. It just seems to much easier to let them all win. I'm tired of holding on and hanging in there. I'm tired of having to spend almost 100% of my energy trying to function, or hell, just trying to stay alive! I've been feeling lonely and angry.
There's a quote by David Foster Wallace that I think I've shared before, but it goes:
Sorry for the post, I just haven't been able to get this stuff out, despite how much I've tried, and I just really needed to get it out. I know that the Savior and Heavenly Father have not abandoned me, but I feel alone. I've been wanting to ask for a blessing, but I always seem to struggle with that, even when I'm comfortable with the person. I feel unworthy and undeserving of help. Or worried that I'll bother someone.
*deep breathes* :-/ :'(
Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting.
I've been making progress in therapy, and I've been taking some positive steps, even my therapist has commented about how proud she is. But despite all that, there is this overwhelming and heavy darkness that is just attached me to me; a part of me. I have yet to be able to visualize this "part" separate from myself. In response to this particular part, my "fire fighter" parts, especially the self-harm and suicidal parts, become very active. Since this dark part never seems to fully leave, it means those fire fighter parts are always active. I know they're trying to protect me, but I still have to somehow actively fight against them. It wears me out. It leaves me exhausted, emotional, and feeling vulnerable. It just seems to much easier to let them all win. I'm tired of holding on and hanging in there. I'm tired of having to spend almost 100% of my energy trying to function, or hell, just trying to stay alive! I've been feeling lonely and angry.
There's a quote by David Foster Wallace that I think I've shared before, but it goes:
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”This is how I feel. This is explains why I have these fire fighter parts. I'm more afraid of the flames than I am of the jump. Those fire fighter parts try to protect me by giving me a way to get away from the flames. But the thing is, I'm not "supposed" to be participating in those either. I'm not "supposed" to end my life and I'm not "supposed" to hurt myself. So not only do I have to try to fight the darkness/flames, but the very thing that is supposed to help, isn't an easily acceptable solution. It's been almost 10 months since I last hurt myself. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it just doesn't feel like it. Why? Because I have to fight against it every single freaking day. I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but hurting myself provides some relief. It makes that darkness a little more tolerable, it makes it a tiny bit easier to fight to get through to the next day, it makes me feel in control. I am sick of fighting against these parts!!! I'm tired from it. I don't have the strength and I don't have the energy to keep doing it right now.
Sorry for the post, I just haven't been able to get this stuff out, despite how much I've tried, and I just really needed to get it out. I know that the Savior and Heavenly Father have not abandoned me, but I feel alone. I've been wanting to ask for a blessing, but I always seem to struggle with that, even when I'm comfortable with the person. I feel unworthy and undeserving of help. Or worried that I'll bother someone.
*deep breathes* :-/ :'(
Saturday, September 3, 2016
A very frustrating experience
I had a very different experience this week, one that has left me feeling a little angry and sour.
So I've been trying to find a psychiatrist because right now my antidepressants are handled by my primary care physician, and I wanted to get to someone specialized. In addition, my therapist (Karen) doesn't think my medicine is working right now because despite the stuff we've been working through and despite the progress I've been making, I'm still struggling a lot with this overwhelming darkness that is attached me to, suicidal thoughts, and the desire to self-harm. So she recommended a place in Bellefonte that she knew took my insurance, so I called. In order to get an appointment with one of their psychiatrists, you have to have an assessment by one of their therapists to get a referral. Oy. So I had my "assessment" on Friday, and boy did it almost end badly.
So when I went in for this assessment, one of the things she had me fill out was a Suicide Risk Assessment. I thought about not answering everything honestly because I knew the score was going to be high, but I want to be able to get the medication I need, so I answered everything honestly. I answered that yes, there has been an attempt in my past. Yes, I often think about I want to give up, yes I have access to pain killers, but no, I don't have any plans right now. I answered that I have struggled with self-harm in the past, but that it's been 9 months since I last did anything. I also made it very clear to her that my therapist is very much aware of everything going on. Well, she added up the score of the assessment and told me how high it was and immediately started talking about how I needed to go into inpatient care.
Wait...what?!?!
I told her that yes, there are times I had thought about going, but right now, I didn't need to. When she asked what I was "afraid of" I explained that 1.) I didn't like not knowing what would happen and not being in control (see my last post) and that 2.) I can't afford to lose shifts at work. I'm not going to lie, part of me is also afraid of all the stigma associated with it (ironic, huh?)
Anyways, I explained again that my therapist knows everything. She knows that the suicidal part and self-harm part are my fire fighters, and while they're often present and active, I don't have any current plans to take my life. I have a safety plan. In the past 5 or 6 years, and even more so over the past year (as I've become more open about everything) I've learned how to be able to tell when I'm not safe, and what steps I need to take to be safe. I know who I can reach out to and that I have a way to contact my therapist between appointments. I still go to work, I'm still working on school, still going to church and still seeing friends etc etc etc. I told this lady ALL of that, but all she saw was the number on the paper, and that's it. When I told her I wasn't willing to go into inpatient care, she started talking about being involuntarily committed. Again....what?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! She tried to call my therapist but she wasn't available, so she sent her an email. Then she asked if there I was a way I could lock up my medicine, so I told her I could give it to my roommate who would keep my accountable. So she asked to call my roommate so she could talk to her. Finally, she agreed to let me go. But by then I was super angry. I get where she was coming from, I understand they're liable and how does she know I'm being honest about things, or anything like that. She doesn't know me. But that's just it...she doesn't know me. Ugh.
So after my appointment, I texted Karen and gave her a heads up about the email, which she wasn't able to open because it was encrypted and she didn't know how to open it. So I gave her the woman's name in case she wanted to call her. Then we texted a bit and she said this other woman probably wasn't as comfortable with my fire fighters as we were (you know, since she doesn't know and hasn't worked with me,) But Karen also asked me if I had any plans or if it was still just general thoughts, and she made sure I was doing okay and everything. I felt less angry after touching base with Karen. But still, I was just so frustrated that this woman wouldn't listen to anything I was saying.
Anyways, I guess the reason why I felt the need to share this story is because September is Suicide Awareness Month. There are a few "campaigns" going on to shed light on this, like take 5 minutes to listen to a friend. I also want to "promote" creating a safety plan for yourself. This website has a good template for one: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/learn/safety.aspx
So I've been trying to find a psychiatrist because right now my antidepressants are handled by my primary care physician, and I wanted to get to someone specialized. In addition, my therapist (Karen) doesn't think my medicine is working right now because despite the stuff we've been working through and despite the progress I've been making, I'm still struggling a lot with this overwhelming darkness that is attached me to, suicidal thoughts, and the desire to self-harm. So she recommended a place in Bellefonte that she knew took my insurance, so I called. In order to get an appointment with one of their psychiatrists, you have to have an assessment by one of their therapists to get a referral. Oy. So I had my "assessment" on Friday, and boy did it almost end badly.
So when I went in for this assessment, one of the things she had me fill out was a Suicide Risk Assessment. I thought about not answering everything honestly because I knew the score was going to be high, but I want to be able to get the medication I need, so I answered everything honestly. I answered that yes, there has been an attempt in my past. Yes, I often think about I want to give up, yes I have access to pain killers, but no, I don't have any plans right now. I answered that I have struggled with self-harm in the past, but that it's been 9 months since I last did anything. I also made it very clear to her that my therapist is very much aware of everything going on. Well, she added up the score of the assessment and told me how high it was and immediately started talking about how I needed to go into inpatient care.
Wait...what?!?!
I told her that yes, there are times I had thought about going, but right now, I didn't need to. When she asked what I was "afraid of" I explained that 1.) I didn't like not knowing what would happen and not being in control (see my last post) and that 2.) I can't afford to lose shifts at work. I'm not going to lie, part of me is also afraid of all the stigma associated with it (ironic, huh?)
Anyways, I explained again that my therapist knows everything. She knows that the suicidal part and self-harm part are my fire fighters, and while they're often present and active, I don't have any current plans to take my life. I have a safety plan. In the past 5 or 6 years, and even more so over the past year (as I've become more open about everything) I've learned how to be able to tell when I'm not safe, and what steps I need to take to be safe. I know who I can reach out to and that I have a way to contact my therapist between appointments. I still go to work, I'm still working on school, still going to church and still seeing friends etc etc etc. I told this lady ALL of that, but all she saw was the number on the paper, and that's it. When I told her I wasn't willing to go into inpatient care, she started talking about being involuntarily committed. Again....what?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! She tried to call my therapist but she wasn't available, so she sent her an email. Then she asked if there I was a way I could lock up my medicine, so I told her I could give it to my roommate who would keep my accountable. So she asked to call my roommate so she could talk to her. Finally, she agreed to let me go. But by then I was super angry. I get where she was coming from, I understand they're liable and how does she know I'm being honest about things, or anything like that. She doesn't know me. But that's just it...she doesn't know me. Ugh.
So after my appointment, I texted Karen and gave her a heads up about the email, which she wasn't able to open because it was encrypted and she didn't know how to open it. So I gave her the woman's name in case she wanted to call her. Then we texted a bit and she said this other woman probably wasn't as comfortable with my fire fighters as we were (you know, since she doesn't know and hasn't worked with me,) But Karen also asked me if I had any plans or if it was still just general thoughts, and she made sure I was doing okay and everything. I felt less angry after touching base with Karen. But still, I was just so frustrated that this woman wouldn't listen to anything I was saying.
Anyways, I guess the reason why I felt the need to share this story is because September is Suicide Awareness Month. There are a few "campaigns" going on to shed light on this, like take 5 minutes to listen to a friend. I also want to "promote" creating a safety plan for yourself. This website has a good template for one: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/learn/safety.aspx
Sunday, August 21, 2016
When things feel out of control
Things have been feeling out of control lately, and that's something I really struggle with. That struggle becomes particularly evident in two areas of my life. First, while there are many things contribute to my struggle with self-harm, a big one is a need to feel like I'm in control. I can't control the darkness/"mental pain", but when I hurt myself, that is a pain I can control. The other area are some of my obsessive compulsive behaviors; particularly with my planning/day to day schedule. At it's worst, I had a monthly, weekly and daily dry erase boards AND planners and I had 3 "to-do list" notebooks, where I had to write the same list AT LEAST 3 times to feel okay. I also was completely unable to do anything "spur of the moment." My parents can attest to this- if they asked me in the morning to empty the dishwasher sometime before dinner, but I didn't have it planned in my day (even though it would only take 5min), I couldn't do it. I can't really explain it to sound logical, because truth it, it isn't. But to me, when I was struggling with that, it was completely logical. But essentially, it would cause me to have panic and anxiety attacks. And my refusal to do something, in the eyes of someone who didn't understand, just pissed them off. Nowadays, thanks to some medicine, things aren't that bad anymore. I still have a planner, and there are still some times where unplanned requests/events give me panic attacks, but overall I'm much more flexible and less obsessive about every minute of every day. When things feel out of control around me, sometimes those behaviors kick back up again. (When I was in the process of starting a new position for instance, it triggered a lot of those behaviors.)
There are some things that we've discovered in therapy that really contribute to this struggle with control. The first one is an accident I witnessed when I was in 2nd grade. On the way home from school one day, the bus was stopped at the top of a hill to let a girl off, as she was crossing the street, a tractor trailer came flying up the road, and not seeing the bus, or the girl, hit her. Amazingly, she survived. But as a result, we were held up in the bus for awhile, and eventually we were transferred to a different bus that took a different route to get everyone home (since the usual route was now blocked by the accident) and the 8ish-year-old Rose freaked about getting home and the sudden change in what was happening. It seems that that was a big factor in some of my issues with control. Another big factor was being unable to control outbursts from people around me growing up. As I got older, when those events occurred around me that I couldn't control, I would lock myself in my bedroom and hurt myself because I felt like it was the only thing I could control.
Now, when things feel particularly out of control, that self-harm part becomes incredibly active (more so than usual), because I know that it will make me feel better, and I know it will let me feel in control. I can't control friends who are moving. I can't control if the electricity goes out and I don't sleep well. I can't control if things are crazy at the hotel. I can't control almost car accidents caused by other people. I can't control my panic attacks. I can't control the fact that my support system feels shot because of people being gone/leaving/busy/unavailable or having a hard time of their own. I can't control the issues we were having with our apartment office and the chaos of people moving in/out. I can't exactly control what's going on in my head, the best I can do is try to fight/manage it. Suicidal thoughts have been strong lately and it's been really hard. Some nights I lay in bed sobbing because I'm tired of hanging on; I feel like I have no strength left and I just want to let go because it seems so much easier, liberating, and relieving.
Right now, I'm functioning much better than I ever have before. I'm spending a majority of my time, not just out of bed, but outside my bedroom too. I'm making progress with my school work now that I'm finally done with my English class that I was having trouble with. But at the same time, I'm really struggling. I'm struggling to stay alive and I'm struggling to fight my self-harm part. It just kind of feels like I'm going through the motions; spending a majority of my strength and energy trying to stay alive. My point is, just because someone is functioning, doesn't mean they're not struggling. Just because they're able to go through the motions and maybe seem okay, doesn't mean they're not fighting an awful battle inside.
There are some things that we've discovered in therapy that really contribute to this struggle with control. The first one is an accident I witnessed when I was in 2nd grade. On the way home from school one day, the bus was stopped at the top of a hill to let a girl off, as she was crossing the street, a tractor trailer came flying up the road, and not seeing the bus, or the girl, hit her. Amazingly, she survived. But as a result, we were held up in the bus for awhile, and eventually we were transferred to a different bus that took a different route to get everyone home (since the usual route was now blocked by the accident) and the 8ish-year-old Rose freaked about getting home and the sudden change in what was happening. It seems that that was a big factor in some of my issues with control. Another big factor was being unable to control outbursts from people around me growing up. As I got older, when those events occurred around me that I couldn't control, I would lock myself in my bedroom and hurt myself because I felt like it was the only thing I could control.
Now, when things feel particularly out of control, that self-harm part becomes incredibly active (more so than usual), because I know that it will make me feel better, and I know it will let me feel in control. I can't control friends who are moving. I can't control if the electricity goes out and I don't sleep well. I can't control if things are crazy at the hotel. I can't control almost car accidents caused by other people. I can't control my panic attacks. I can't control the fact that my support system feels shot because of people being gone/leaving/busy/unavailable or having a hard time of their own. I can't control the issues we were having with our apartment office and the chaos of people moving in/out. I can't exactly control what's going on in my head, the best I can do is try to fight/manage it. Suicidal thoughts have been strong lately and it's been really hard. Some nights I lay in bed sobbing because I'm tired of hanging on; I feel like I have no strength left and I just want to let go because it seems so much easier, liberating, and relieving.
Right now, I'm functioning much better than I ever have before. I'm spending a majority of my time, not just out of bed, but outside my bedroom too. I'm making progress with my school work now that I'm finally done with my English class that I was having trouble with. But at the same time, I'm really struggling. I'm struggling to stay alive and I'm struggling to fight my self-harm part. It just kind of feels like I'm going through the motions; spending a majority of my strength and energy trying to stay alive. My point is, just because someone is functioning, doesn't mean they're not struggling. Just because they're able to go through the motions and maybe seem okay, doesn't mean they're not fighting an awful battle inside.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Self-Compassion and Taking Care of Myself
Wow, there has been a lot of stuff going on lately.
Let's start with work. A little over a month ago, I put in for an Administrative Assistant position within the company I already work for. I wasn't expecting anything, but I ended up getting an interview and then got the job! Because of hours, I'm still working 1 night a week at the hotel, but otherwise, I am working a couple days a week in our corporate office, and I love it. Seriously, the people are great, I love the work I'm doing, and it's much less stressful. Best of all, it's daytime hours! Now my body is trying to get used to being awake/working all day and be on a different sleep schedule than I used to be. Even when I was awake during the day before, it usually consisted of naps during the day to get adequate rest for shifts at the hotel. So my body has no idea what is going on. Not to mention, as my therapist has pointed out, my mind isn't really used to positive changes, so it's kind of freaking out because it has no idea what to do. It's weird. But I do really like the new position.
Now, a couple of weeks ago, I attempted to do another 5k. I have tried two of these in the past, and I have yet to complete one 100%. The first one I did, I struggled physically and there was a part of the course in the middle that I didn't complete (I did maybe half of it, I think?) The one I did a few months ago, I started having some panic attacks within the first 1/2 mile and had to turn back. This has been beyond frustrating to me. I've been trying to get into a workout routine of some sort, but I continually fail to do so. I try to make it a part of my schedule, I always make plans for when I want to go, or I plan to do something with a friend; but time after time, my motivation and energy are depleted and I fail. I have the DESIRE, but fighting the depression and anxiety completely gets in the way (of course, exercise is something that could help fight it, if I could get over it enough to make it happen.) I signed up for this 5k to try to kick start some motivation with having a goal to work towards (which is why I signed up for the other ones too.) It usually works for a brief period of time, but eventually it fades. This 5k resulted in kind of the same way, but how I felt about it was a lot different. After the past 5k's, I really hated myself and beat myself up, and while I did that a little this time, it wasn't as bad. I was able to have some self-compassion. I did about half of it, which was good. There were some hills that I managed better than I have before and honestly, physically, I wasn't having a too hard of a time. But then the panic attacks. UGH I wish I'd be able to do something without this dumb crap getting in my way. Also, I "put myself out there" and invited friends to join me. One friend in particular has been to each of them, because he was the only one I was comfortable around didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. This time, I threw it out there and invited anyone who wanted to come. I loved having the extra support and encouragement there.
Anyways, there's a point to all this. A few days after the 5k, I was looking at some other 5k's happening in the fall, with the idea that maybe, just maybe, one of these will be my kick start. But I was getting frustrated. I'm really trying to do things to take care of myself and do everything I can to fight/manage my depression/anxiety. I thought back to a few years ago when I was actually successful for a little while with working out. At the time, I was working with a trainer at the YMCA. It was someone who just working with me in some of his free time during the week. It started out because I emailed him to find out how much training sessions cost, though I was certain I wouldn't be able to afford it. He ended up helping me out without charging me because he genuinely cared and wanted to help. So this week I took a leap and I emailed him again. I basically explained all this and asked him what the possibility/cost would be to work with him (I certainly don't expect him to do it for free again, but I'm really hoping it's not going to cost to much, cause my budget is still kind of tight.) He responded and said he'd be happy to work with me again. We're going to meet tomorrow afternoon to talk and kind of go over things, we'll see if things work out. It's going to suck driving across town to go to the Y, but if it's what it takes, then it is worth it. Maybe this will be the break through I need. I'm just trying to do everything I can do to take care of myself and to try to fight this mental illness.
Along with all of this, I'm slowly starting to have some self-compassion and being nicer to myself, something that is completely new to me. It's something we've been working on in therapy and my therapist gave me a book to read to help as well. I started keeping a "self-compassion" journal. When I'm struggling, I acknowledge it and tell myself that it's okay to have a hard time, instead of beating myself up about it. I remind myself to be patient, kind, and gentle. I find little things I like about myself. I also my folder filled with notes/letters/cards etc from friends that make me feel good, and I remind myself that there are people who love me. I've talked about my stuffed animals before, and while I know it seems silly, those stuffed animals really mean a lot to me. They're from people who care about me, and when I'm lonely and having a rough night, being able to lay in bed and hug them, helps give me just enough comfort to get through the night and make it just a little while longer. This weekend, I got a new addition to my stuffed animals from some awesome friends of mine, and I love it! :-)
Self-compassion isn't easy, this is completely new to me; but it's what I need. Not just me, but the little girl inside of me, she needs it too. (I've been trying to stand up for myself a little bit more, and just be a bit more vocal about things, but that's a struggle as well.) We've been working with that little girl a lot in therapy lately, because she is still terrified and doesn't feel safe or trust anyone (including me.) I wrote a post about her a few months ago (You can check it out here!!!). In my session this week, we tried going back to the EMDR to try to attack some of my memories more directly because I'm still having some strong emotional reactions to them. For example, I have some strong reactions to things like fireworks, loud music, etc. It's not the fireworks or music itself that I react to, but my mind/the little girl, reacts to where they think we are and what they think is about to happen because of events/things that happened in my past and that little girl becomes terrified and I end up curled up in a ball in my bed. So in my session this week, we tried to attack those memories more directly, but some of my "parts" got in the way, especially the self-harm part, so we ended up switching over to that and working with the self-harm part and the little girl (since that part works so hard to try to protect her.)
In my head, this is the little girl that I see:
(credit given to @ErinLea7)
Let's start with work. A little over a month ago, I put in for an Administrative Assistant position within the company I already work for. I wasn't expecting anything, but I ended up getting an interview and then got the job! Because of hours, I'm still working 1 night a week at the hotel, but otherwise, I am working a couple days a week in our corporate office, and I love it. Seriously, the people are great, I love the work I'm doing, and it's much less stressful. Best of all, it's daytime hours! Now my body is trying to get used to being awake/working all day and be on a different sleep schedule than I used to be. Even when I was awake during the day before, it usually consisted of naps during the day to get adequate rest for shifts at the hotel. So my body has no idea what is going on. Not to mention, as my therapist has pointed out, my mind isn't really used to positive changes, so it's kind of freaking out because it has no idea what to do. It's weird. But I do really like the new position.
Now, a couple of weeks ago, I attempted to do another 5k. I have tried two of these in the past, and I have yet to complete one 100%. The first one I did, I struggled physically and there was a part of the course in the middle that I didn't complete (I did maybe half of it, I think?) The one I did a few months ago, I started having some panic attacks within the first 1/2 mile and had to turn back. This has been beyond frustrating to me. I've been trying to get into a workout routine of some sort, but I continually fail to do so. I try to make it a part of my schedule, I always make plans for when I want to go, or I plan to do something with a friend; but time after time, my motivation and energy are depleted and I fail. I have the DESIRE, but fighting the depression and anxiety completely gets in the way (of course, exercise is something that could help fight it, if I could get over it enough to make it happen.) I signed up for this 5k to try to kick start some motivation with having a goal to work towards (which is why I signed up for the other ones too.) It usually works for a brief period of time, but eventually it fades. This 5k resulted in kind of the same way, but how I felt about it was a lot different. After the past 5k's, I really hated myself and beat myself up, and while I did that a little this time, it wasn't as bad. I was able to have some self-compassion. I did about half of it, which was good. There were some hills that I managed better than I have before and honestly, physically, I wasn't having a too hard of a time. But then the panic attacks. UGH I wish I'd be able to do something without this dumb crap getting in my way. Also, I "put myself out there" and invited friends to join me. One friend in particular has been to each of them, because he was the only one I was comfortable around didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. This time, I threw it out there and invited anyone who wanted to come. I loved having the extra support and encouragement there.
Anyways, there's a point to all this. A few days after the 5k, I was looking at some other 5k's happening in the fall, with the idea that maybe, just maybe, one of these will be my kick start. But I was getting frustrated. I'm really trying to do things to take care of myself and do everything I can to fight/manage my depression/anxiety. I thought back to a few years ago when I was actually successful for a little while with working out. At the time, I was working with a trainer at the YMCA. It was someone who just working with me in some of his free time during the week. It started out because I emailed him to find out how much training sessions cost, though I was certain I wouldn't be able to afford it. He ended up helping me out without charging me because he genuinely cared and wanted to help. So this week I took a leap and I emailed him again. I basically explained all this and asked him what the possibility/cost would be to work with him (I certainly don't expect him to do it for free again, but I'm really hoping it's not going to cost to much, cause my budget is still kind of tight.) He responded and said he'd be happy to work with me again. We're going to meet tomorrow afternoon to talk and kind of go over things, we'll see if things work out. It's going to suck driving across town to go to the Y, but if it's what it takes, then it is worth it. Maybe this will be the break through I need. I'm just trying to do everything I can do to take care of myself and to try to fight this mental illness.
Along with all of this, I'm slowly starting to have some self-compassion and being nicer to myself, something that is completely new to me. It's something we've been working on in therapy and my therapist gave me a book to read to help as well. I started keeping a "self-compassion" journal. When I'm struggling, I acknowledge it and tell myself that it's okay to have a hard time, instead of beating myself up about it. I remind myself to be patient, kind, and gentle. I find little things I like about myself. I also my folder filled with notes/letters/cards etc from friends that make me feel good, and I remind myself that there are people who love me. I've talked about my stuffed animals before, and while I know it seems silly, those stuffed animals really mean a lot to me. They're from people who care about me, and when I'm lonely and having a rough night, being able to lay in bed and hug them, helps give me just enough comfort to get through the night and make it just a little while longer. This weekend, I got a new addition to my stuffed animals from some awesome friends of mine, and I love it! :-)
Self-compassion isn't easy, this is completely new to me; but it's what I need. Not just me, but the little girl inside of me, she needs it too. (I've been trying to stand up for myself a little bit more, and just be a bit more vocal about things, but that's a struggle as well.) We've been working with that little girl a lot in therapy lately, because she is still terrified and doesn't feel safe or trust anyone (including me.) I wrote a post about her a few months ago (You can check it out here!!!). In my session this week, we tried going back to the EMDR to try to attack some of my memories more directly because I'm still having some strong emotional reactions to them. For example, I have some strong reactions to things like fireworks, loud music, etc. It's not the fireworks or music itself that I react to, but my mind/the little girl, reacts to where they think we are and what they think is about to happen because of events/things that happened in my past and that little girl becomes terrified and I end up curled up in a ball in my bed. So in my session this week, we tried to attack those memories more directly, but some of my "parts" got in the way, especially the self-harm part, so we ended up switching over to that and working with the self-harm part and the little girl (since that part works so hard to try to protect her.)
In my head, this is the little girl that I see:
So there have been some ups and there have been some downs. Overall, I've certainly made some progress and I'm certainly doing more to take care of myself and better manage and fight my depression. There was a post on the facebook page of "Mental Health America" on Sunday (follow them here) that I thought was very fitting to how I feel:
(credit given to @ErinLea7)Friday, June 3, 2016
6 months
There is a website called PostSecret that some of you may know about. People create their secrets on post cards and mail them to this guy in Maryland. He's compiled several books from them, and he puts new ones up every week on his site: www.postsecret.com Sometimes, I can't relate to any of the secrets, and other times, it's like I had sent it in myself. Here is one of the ones that was posted this week, and if I hadn't known any better, I would have thought I had sent it myself.
Monday marked 6 months since I last hurt myself. That's a pretty good milestone, considering it's been a long time since I've been able to make it longer than a couple of days or weeks. My last act was around the time I started with my new therapist. I wish I could say it was getting easier. But every single day I have to keep fighting it. It comes up every time I'm stressed, upset, frustrated, depressed, hurt, alone, etc. My therapist calls it one of my "fire fighters." My self-harm part and suicidal part work extra hard to try to protect me and the "little girl" that's still struggling inside. Whenever I'm in session, my therapist always reminds me that even though most people, and even the mental health world, give self-harm a bum rap, that it was my method of survival. She says that in that room (my therapist's office), that part can feel safe and know that it's not going to shoved aside or shamed. I'm really grateful I have a therapist who understands this, because it's not something that is easy to understand, even for a professional. But to have a therapist who understands that it's a survival method, and who won't shame me or make me feel bad when I slip up, but instead remind me I'm still here and facing all these parts is really hard and helps me see that I found strength to keep fighting. Obviously she doesn't condone it, but she understands it. Our church also has an Addiction Recovery Program and I used to attend meetings some time ago, but eventually stopped. The past couple of months I started going again and I'm really grateful. The added understanding and support makes a big difference.
There have been some difficult nights recently. I've had to fight a lot of suicidal thoughts in the dark of night by myself. It hasn't been easy. A lot of nights, lying in bed sobbing and pleading with Heavenly Father. Often, when the topic of suicide comes up, people make comments about it being selfish and passing on the pain to others, and other such things. Let me explain something, in the deepest darkest pits, fighting the "demons" of depression and all those parts working overtime; you genuinely feel like you're a burden to everyone around you. That your friends would be better off if you weren't here, or that no one would even notice you were gone. We're not trying to cause pain to other people, if anything, we believe our being alive is what is causing pain. Facing suicidal thoughts is a dark and scary place. And it didn't help that my therapy appointment got canceled this week cause my therapist had car trouble. Sometimes I don't realize just how much they help until I go a week without it. I'm really grateful for this therapist and how much she's been helping. I still have a lot of progress to make, and there's certain things I will probably always struggle with, but I'm in a much better place mentally than I was several months ago. On the nights when I'm lying in bed sobbing, my stuffed animals give me some comfort to help get me through the night. <3
That's really it. There's not much to report on right now. I have my okay days and I have my really rough days. Considering that several months ago I was almost never having any okay days, it's progress, and I'm grateful for it. I'm also very grateful for the friends in my life. All the support, encouragement and love they give me helps me get through every day. And even though I can't always feel the Spirit in my life, the tender mercies in my life are a witness to me that my Savior hasn't forgotten about me.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Depression Awareness Week
This week has been Depression Awareness Week and I wanted to do a post focused more on trying to help others understand depression a little bit more. Depression is something that is really hard to go through, and it's also really hard to understand unless you (or someone close to you) have gone through it yourself. Because of this, I never expect people to FULLY understand what it is like to experience depression. Heck, I don't even want anyone else to have to know what this feels like. But society as a whole treats depression with a stigma and judgement and a complete lack of information, and it's time to change that.
There is this idea that because people can't necessarily "see" the depression, that it doesn't exist. Because it's not physical, they think we're making it up. Let me assure you, depression is NOT something that someone can just "snap out of it." Do you really think we like feeling the way we do? If something as easy as "snapping out of it" would fix things, don't you think we would have done so already?!?! I've spent a lot of time trying to find ways to help explain to people why the comments they make are hurtful, judgmental, and most of all, ignorant.
For example- Telling someone not to be depressed because someone always has it worse, is like saying someone can't be happy because someone always has it better. It just sounds stupid, doesn't it? Would you ever tell someone they were to blame for cancer, or a tumor? So why blame someone because they have depression? Asking someone how they can be depressed when there's so much great things in the world, is like asking someone how can they have asthma when there's so much air around them. Do you realize how ignorant these things sound?
Depression causes a lot of struggles that I have to face every single day. Struggles that not every one sees. Like when I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed. It's not that I don't want to get out of bed, or I'm not trying hard enough, it's that the depression is so heavy and the thought of having to do anything is so completely overwhelming, that it completely paralyzes me. I lie in bed sobbing for hours. Or how I can feel so incredibly lonely, even when I'm around people. I'm so afraid of failure that it often keeps me from even trying. I've lost so many friends because they couldn't handle my depression, or just from the stigma that was attached to it. Sometimes it feels impossible just to take another step, or another breath. It feels like I'm trying to breathe under water with a thousand tons of bricks on my chest. My mind is completely engulfed in this unbearable darkness and I'm so afraid of it. When I'm suicidal, I have to spend 100% of my energy on fighting those thoughts and trying to keep myself safe that I don't have energy left to worry about trying to eat, shower or brush my teeth. It feels like I'm in this deep dark pit, drowning, with no way out, no light, and no one else around. There are times when I can't bear to be around anyone and so I lock myself in my bedroom alone and just cry for hours because it's all I can manage to do. There doesn't need to be a "reason" to be depressed- it's just there. It's like a constant dark cloud that fills up every nook and cranny in your mind and the rest of your body until it controls you and shuts you down.
There were some comics I posted several posts ago about just how depression can affect someone. The artist is Nick Seluk and I had his permission to post them. I think these pictures do a good job of explaining how depression can feel so I'm going to post them again.
There is currently a campaign on the social media sites for this week #whatyoudontsee. If you have some time, please take a look at some of the posts people are writing. They will give you a very real look into the struggles people face every day. Like this one-
There is this idea that because people can't necessarily "see" the depression, that it doesn't exist. Because it's not physical, they think we're making it up. Let me assure you, depression is NOT something that someone can just "snap out of it." Do you really think we like feeling the way we do? If something as easy as "snapping out of it" would fix things, don't you think we would have done so already?!?! I've spent a lot of time trying to find ways to help explain to people why the comments they make are hurtful, judgmental, and most of all, ignorant.
For example- Telling someone not to be depressed because someone always has it worse, is like saying someone can't be happy because someone always has it better. It just sounds stupid, doesn't it? Would you ever tell someone they were to blame for cancer, or a tumor? So why blame someone because they have depression? Asking someone how they can be depressed when there's so much great things in the world, is like asking someone how can they have asthma when there's so much air around them. Do you realize how ignorant these things sound?
Depression causes a lot of struggles that I have to face every single day. Struggles that not every one sees. Like when I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed. It's not that I don't want to get out of bed, or I'm not trying hard enough, it's that the depression is so heavy and the thought of having to do anything is so completely overwhelming, that it completely paralyzes me. I lie in bed sobbing for hours. Or how I can feel so incredibly lonely, even when I'm around people. I'm so afraid of failure that it often keeps me from even trying. I've lost so many friends because they couldn't handle my depression, or just from the stigma that was attached to it. Sometimes it feels impossible just to take another step, or another breath. It feels like I'm trying to breathe under water with a thousand tons of bricks on my chest. My mind is completely engulfed in this unbearable darkness and I'm so afraid of it. When I'm suicidal, I have to spend 100% of my energy on fighting those thoughts and trying to keep myself safe that I don't have energy left to worry about trying to eat, shower or brush my teeth. It feels like I'm in this deep dark pit, drowning, with no way out, no light, and no one else around. There are times when I can't bear to be around anyone and so I lock myself in my bedroom alone and just cry for hours because it's all I can manage to do. There doesn't need to be a "reason" to be depressed- it's just there. It's like a constant dark cloud that fills up every nook and cranny in your mind and the rest of your body until it controls you and shuts you down.
There were some comics I posted several posts ago about just how depression can affect someone. The artist is Nick Seluk and I had his permission to post them. I think these pictures do a good job of explaining how depression can feel so I'm going to post them again.
There is currently a campaign on the social media sites for this week #whatyoudontsee. If you have some time, please take a look at some of the posts people are writing. They will give you a very real look into the struggles people face every day. Like this one-
PLEASE take it seriously when someone says they have depression. Please don't brush it off or tell them it's their fault or that they're just not trying hard enough. Encourage them to get help if they aren't already. I'm incredibly grateful to have such an amazing therapy now. Don't get my wrong, I liked my old therapist, but after awhile, it just felt like I wasn't getting what I needed. I'm so glad I switched therapists and found someone new. She helps me set goals, she gives me assignments to work on throughout the week; she's compassionate and genuinely seems to care. She encourages me to give her a call throughout the week if I'm having a hard time. She has helped me make some very real progress for the first time.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Therapy is really hard sometimes...
I know that going to therapy is good. But dang it, it's really hard sometimes. This past week has been rough for me and it started with an intense therapy sessions last week.
So in therapy last week, one of the more active parts was my self-critical part, and we discovered that it was active because of something that happened on Easter. --- There was an incident with someone who I know has some control issues. But when this incident happened, the things that were happening and being said, in my mind, translated to "You're too dumb to do this." I had taken a friend with me to Easter dinner and even he commented on what happened. So when that the self-critical part was active last week, we worked on it in therapy.
Something we discovered some time ago is that my self-critical part and my hurt part tend to work together. The self-critical part takes the messages it has heard my whole life, and just repeats them itself so that when other people say it, it doesn't hurt as much. My therapist wanted to work with the hurt part a little bit and asked me to describe a couple of the memories it holds on to. There is one particular incident that happened when I was in 9th grade; someone close in my life told me that they wanted to kill me sometimes. (I'm trying to be vague with details because I'm not trying to "call them out" or anything, but I'm trying to be open as well.) Some one who NEVER should have said something like that (of course, no one should ever actually say that to some one.) and it wasn't in some sort of joking kind of way. It was very serious, it was very hurtful, it was very terrifying. Well as soon as this memory came up, I became visibly upset, my therapist almost stopped what we were working with. We were trying to work through the memory and trying to let it go. At the end of the session, she asked me to imagine letting the memory go; I could imagine letting it go in the wind, burning it a fire, setting it out to sea etc. I chose to imagine burning the memory, and that was the end of the session. However, that memory continued to come all week long. No matter how hard I tried, or how many times I imagined burning it, it continued to come back. The more it came back, the more active my self-harm and suicidal parts became. As the week went on, I was in bed more, crying more, and barely functioning. My anxiety was through the roof as I was trying to shut people out. Thankfully, I had a friend who checked in on me a couple times if they didn't hear anything from me, but it was really really rough.
When I went in to therapy this week, I explained how the week went and how hard it had been. My therapist said next time it gets like that, I'm supposed to call/text her. She said I can always come in again during the week and next time I wasn't supposed to just let it continue. Oh. This was a new thing for me. I mean, I had her cell number, but it never even occurred to me that I should have called her. That was NEVER a thing with my old therapist and I honestly never really expected it to be a thing. So I guess next time I'm supposed to call. Anyways, she mentioned that it sounds like there are more memories attached to that particular one that it making it difficult to let go of it.
So things have been really rough. This memory won't leave me alone, along with many other memories. Therapy has been intense, and I've really been struggling. My self-harm and suicidal parts have been incredibly active and it's been hard to stay safe and it's been exhausting trying to fight those parts. It's also been very discouraging. I feel like no matter how hard I try, or how hard I work, or no matter what progress I manage to make, it's not enough. I feel like I just keep slipping into these deep dark holes with no way out. My anxiety has been pretty bad lately too, especially around my work shifts. The overnight shifts are definitely making things much more difficult.
*deep breathes* I appreciate all the support I've been able to receive and the friends who have let me reach out to them and have helped encourage me. I know all this work and all the therapy is good, it's just really hard sometimes.
So in therapy last week, one of the more active parts was my self-critical part, and we discovered that it was active because of something that happened on Easter. --- There was an incident with someone who I know has some control issues. But when this incident happened, the things that were happening and being said, in my mind, translated to "You're too dumb to do this." I had taken a friend with me to Easter dinner and even he commented on what happened. So when that the self-critical part was active last week, we worked on it in therapy.
Something we discovered some time ago is that my self-critical part and my hurt part tend to work together. The self-critical part takes the messages it has heard my whole life, and just repeats them itself so that when other people say it, it doesn't hurt as much. My therapist wanted to work with the hurt part a little bit and asked me to describe a couple of the memories it holds on to. There is one particular incident that happened when I was in 9th grade; someone close in my life told me that they wanted to kill me sometimes. (I'm trying to be vague with details because I'm not trying to "call them out" or anything, but I'm trying to be open as well.) Some one who NEVER should have said something like that (of course, no one should ever actually say that to some one.) and it wasn't in some sort of joking kind of way. It was very serious, it was very hurtful, it was very terrifying. Well as soon as this memory came up, I became visibly upset, my therapist almost stopped what we were working with. We were trying to work through the memory and trying to let it go. At the end of the session, she asked me to imagine letting the memory go; I could imagine letting it go in the wind, burning it a fire, setting it out to sea etc. I chose to imagine burning the memory, and that was the end of the session. However, that memory continued to come all week long. No matter how hard I tried, or how many times I imagined burning it, it continued to come back. The more it came back, the more active my self-harm and suicidal parts became. As the week went on, I was in bed more, crying more, and barely functioning. My anxiety was through the roof as I was trying to shut people out. Thankfully, I had a friend who checked in on me a couple times if they didn't hear anything from me, but it was really really rough.
When I went in to therapy this week, I explained how the week went and how hard it had been. My therapist said next time it gets like that, I'm supposed to call/text her. She said I can always come in again during the week and next time I wasn't supposed to just let it continue. Oh. This was a new thing for me. I mean, I had her cell number, but it never even occurred to me that I should have called her. That was NEVER a thing with my old therapist and I honestly never really expected it to be a thing. So I guess next time I'm supposed to call. Anyways, she mentioned that it sounds like there are more memories attached to that particular one that it making it difficult to let go of it.
So things have been really rough. This memory won't leave me alone, along with many other memories. Therapy has been intense, and I've really been struggling. My self-harm and suicidal parts have been incredibly active and it's been hard to stay safe and it's been exhausting trying to fight those parts. It's also been very discouraging. I feel like no matter how hard I try, or how hard I work, or no matter what progress I manage to make, it's not enough. I feel like I just keep slipping into these deep dark holes with no way out. My anxiety has been pretty bad lately too, especially around my work shifts. The overnight shifts are definitely making things much more difficult.
*deep breathes* I appreciate all the support I've been able to receive and the friends who have let me reach out to them and have helped encourage me. I know all this work and all the therapy is good, it's just really hard sometimes.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Just trying to figure it all out
There's been a number of things that have happened in therapy since I last wrote.
First of all, a couple of weeks ago I discovered that some small part of me is afraid I'm going to leave the church again. That was kind of a surprise to me. When this happened, I was struggling with some of those messages that the depression is my fault, or that I'm worthless because I can't just make it go away. Even though I know those things aren't true, I still struggle to fight with those thoughts sometimes. So when I went into therapy and shared this, of course my therapist wanted to explore a bit more what might be going on. I found that there is a small part of me that wants to accept some of the blame instead of completely accepting that this is a trail that Heavenly Father has given me for whatever reason. This part was afraid that I'm going to get angry at Heavenly Father and leave the church again, so it tries to hang on to some of those messages a little bit so that doesn't happen. Yeah, I wasn't expecting that. I'm stronger in the church now than I was before I left. I'm not angry with Heavenly Father and I have no intention of leaving again. So now I have to show this part that I'm not going anywhere and that it can completely let go of those messages and the blame.
This most recent therapy session was pretty intense for me. On Sunday night, I was having a lot of dreams where I hurt myself, and when I woke up on Monday, those temptations and urges to hurt myself were incredibly strong. I ended up staying in bed a majority of Monday, which I was not happy about. So in therapy on Tuesday, we found both the self-harm part and the suicidal part were very active and apparently feeling neglected. I've spent a lot of time trying to push those parts away, because in my head, "getting better" means that those parts are no longer present. I'm trying to find other ways of coping and it's been over 3 months since I last hurt myself (which is big deal for me because before that, I couldn't go more than a couple of weeks.) Because I've relied on those parts so much for such a long time, they were feeling neglected and started to become really active again. The thing is, these parts think they're protecting me, so the fact that I want them to go away makes them kind of mad. The self-harm part is like a "firefighter," as my therapist puts it. When things get really bad, it's my way of dealing. Without it, the darkness/depression would get too much for me to handle; in a way, it acts as a moderator between me and the suicidal part, it keeps me from doing something worse. If it weren't there, I would be resorting to much darker things. And the suicidal part is afraid that if it's not there, the darkness/depression will completely overwhelm me and I won't have any way out. I know it probably doesn't make any sense to anyone who hasn't experienced these things, but it kind of makes sense to me. Anyways, on Monday, that depressed part stepped in and kept me in bed all day as a way of trying to keep me safe and not hurt myself.
My therapist explained that out in the world, and even in the mental health world, those self-harm and suicidal parts get a bum rap because we don't think they should be there, but that I was supposed to explain to those parts that I don't want them to go away completely because ultimately they are trying to protect me, we just want them to step back a little bit so they don't feel like they have to completely take over. She suggested that I "invite" the parts to join me when I work on other coping activities that I try to do (such as coloring, crocheting, etc) but I have no idea how to even go about doing that. So in some future sessions, she wants to do some activities that we can work with those parts so they're a little less intense. In the mean time, they've remained pretty active this week after confronting them in therapy and I've been having a hard time trying to keep them from completely taking over. It's hard and it's intense.
I'm really grateful for my therapist though. I really like her and I know I'm starting to make a little bit of progress. We recently reviewed my treatment plan that we created when I started because they want their patients to review it every 3 months. So when I started, there were 3 main goals that we set- 1. I would develop 2 new skills to help cope with my depression. 2. I would be able to finish my school work in a more timely manner without getting more extensions on my semesters. 3. I would be able to handle work better and not get covers for my shifts as often. Since I'm working just 2 nights/week it's been a lot easier to handle and I have not needed to ask for a cover. Though my school work is still going slow, the pace has increased a tiny bit, so that's better than nothing. And lastly, the skill that I feel I developed is this blog. Sure, I've always written in a journal pretty regularly, but creating this blog has helped me to be more open and reach out more and I think that's really helped me a lot.
Throughout all of this, I am very, very, slowly beginning to see and feel some worth in myself, and that has resulted in me starting to take better care of myself. I've even lost 8.6 lbs in the past month! I'm not doing anything major, but I've been making small changes to try to take better care of myself and it seems to be doing something. Things are still really hard, don't get me wrong. Heck, this week alone has been a roller coaster between days when I feel okay and days that I'm really struggling. But overall, things are moving in the right direction, and that's all I can do.
First of all, a couple of weeks ago I discovered that some small part of me is afraid I'm going to leave the church again. That was kind of a surprise to me. When this happened, I was struggling with some of those messages that the depression is my fault, or that I'm worthless because I can't just make it go away. Even though I know those things aren't true, I still struggle to fight with those thoughts sometimes. So when I went into therapy and shared this, of course my therapist wanted to explore a bit more what might be going on. I found that there is a small part of me that wants to accept some of the blame instead of completely accepting that this is a trail that Heavenly Father has given me for whatever reason. This part was afraid that I'm going to get angry at Heavenly Father and leave the church again, so it tries to hang on to some of those messages a little bit so that doesn't happen. Yeah, I wasn't expecting that. I'm stronger in the church now than I was before I left. I'm not angry with Heavenly Father and I have no intention of leaving again. So now I have to show this part that I'm not going anywhere and that it can completely let go of those messages and the blame.
This most recent therapy session was pretty intense for me. On Sunday night, I was having a lot of dreams where I hurt myself, and when I woke up on Monday, those temptations and urges to hurt myself were incredibly strong. I ended up staying in bed a majority of Monday, which I was not happy about. So in therapy on Tuesday, we found both the self-harm part and the suicidal part were very active and apparently feeling neglected. I've spent a lot of time trying to push those parts away, because in my head, "getting better" means that those parts are no longer present. I'm trying to find other ways of coping and it's been over 3 months since I last hurt myself (which is big deal for me because before that, I couldn't go more than a couple of weeks.) Because I've relied on those parts so much for such a long time, they were feeling neglected and started to become really active again. The thing is, these parts think they're protecting me, so the fact that I want them to go away makes them kind of mad. The self-harm part is like a "firefighter," as my therapist puts it. When things get really bad, it's my way of dealing. Without it, the darkness/depression would get too much for me to handle; in a way, it acts as a moderator between me and the suicidal part, it keeps me from doing something worse. If it weren't there, I would be resorting to much darker things. And the suicidal part is afraid that if it's not there, the darkness/depression will completely overwhelm me and I won't have any way out. I know it probably doesn't make any sense to anyone who hasn't experienced these things, but it kind of makes sense to me. Anyways, on Monday, that depressed part stepped in and kept me in bed all day as a way of trying to keep me safe and not hurt myself.
My therapist explained that out in the world, and even in the mental health world, those self-harm and suicidal parts get a bum rap because we don't think they should be there, but that I was supposed to explain to those parts that I don't want them to go away completely because ultimately they are trying to protect me, we just want them to step back a little bit so they don't feel like they have to completely take over. She suggested that I "invite" the parts to join me when I work on other coping activities that I try to do (such as coloring, crocheting, etc) but I have no idea how to even go about doing that. So in some future sessions, she wants to do some activities that we can work with those parts so they're a little less intense. In the mean time, they've remained pretty active this week after confronting them in therapy and I've been having a hard time trying to keep them from completely taking over. It's hard and it's intense.
I'm really grateful for my therapist though. I really like her and I know I'm starting to make a little bit of progress. We recently reviewed my treatment plan that we created when I started because they want their patients to review it every 3 months. So when I started, there were 3 main goals that we set- 1. I would develop 2 new skills to help cope with my depression. 2. I would be able to finish my school work in a more timely manner without getting more extensions on my semesters. 3. I would be able to handle work better and not get covers for my shifts as often. Since I'm working just 2 nights/week it's been a lot easier to handle and I have not needed to ask for a cover. Though my school work is still going slow, the pace has increased a tiny bit, so that's better than nothing. And lastly, the skill that I feel I developed is this blog. Sure, I've always written in a journal pretty regularly, but creating this blog has helped me to be more open and reach out more and I think that's really helped me a lot.
Throughout all of this, I am very, very, slowly beginning to see and feel some worth in myself, and that has resulted in me starting to take better care of myself. I've even lost 8.6 lbs in the past month! I'm not doing anything major, but I've been making small changes to try to take better care of myself and it seems to be doing something. Things are still really hard, don't get me wrong. Heck, this week alone has been a roller coaster between days when I feel okay and days that I'm really struggling. But overall, things are moving in the right direction, and that's all I can do.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Nurturing that little girl
So, therapy continues to be interesting. We've still been working with the different parts inside my mind and the roles they play (and the roles they THINK they're playing) and I'll be honest, it still kind of freaks me out sometimes. I feel weird imaging and talking to all these different "parts." But, we've discovered something. After working with several different parts, we have discovered the "little girl" in me, and a lot of the parts seem to think they're supposed to be protecting her.
This little girl is terrified, and she's alone. She's trying to protect herself, which is when a lot of these parts have developed, and they work hard to protect her. One of the exercises I was supposed to work on one week, was just to try to comfort and nurture that little girl. Give her a hug, let her know she's not alone and doesn't need to be scared anymore. But every time I tried to get near her to try to comfort her, all those parts became active again. The depressed part, that raging storm outside the house, would be begin to destroy anything and anyone that tried to get near the house. The little girl would hide in a corner, protected by my scared, lonely, controlling, and dark parts in particular. She's still scared. She's scared of the things outside her bedroom door, she doesn't want to keep getting hurt. She's trying to protect herself from the bullies when she was younger, from the hurtful comments that even the people closest to her, and were supposed to love her most, made all the time, from the actions of others that terrified her to hiding in her bedroom curled in a ball sobbing, not knowing how to deal with it. She's protecting herself from the "friends" that destroyed her, from the feelings of worthlessness and not feeling good enough all of her life. She's created this protective bubble and won't let anyone or anything near it. Not even me. She just keeps hiding. She's still terrified. She still feels completely alone. She's still hiding in a corner in her bedroom sobbing.
It's been really hard to handle, honestly. Whenever I try to hug her and let her know she's not alone and doesn't have to be afraid anymore, all those parts start to become very active again, even if I had managed to keep them calm for a little bit. The parts that are most difficult to deal with are the depressed and dark parts. Those parts become active, and all of a sudden I'm back to sobbing and not being able to get out of bed, I'm keeping a distance from people and shutting down, I'm struggling to not self-harm and fighting suicidal thoughts. And then that little girl just starts feeling worse. It's been quite a battle. While everything that we've been doing in therapy is good, it has also been very hard. I'm trying to find ways to slowly approach this little girl, to help her see me and trust me so that I can get close enough to nurture and comfort her because there was no one to nurture or comfort her ever before.
As weird as all the "parts" stuff is, it's helped me become a little more self-aware and present, it allows me to step back from everything and try to see and understand what is going on and to "talk" to these parts so that they can also understand what is going on and that maybe sometimes they just need to step back a little bit. In all seriousness, if you have not seen the movie "Inside Out", you should see it, the whole "parts" thing will probably make more sense after that.
This little girl is terrified, and she's alone. She's trying to protect herself, which is when a lot of these parts have developed, and they work hard to protect her. One of the exercises I was supposed to work on one week, was just to try to comfort and nurture that little girl. Give her a hug, let her know she's not alone and doesn't need to be scared anymore. But every time I tried to get near her to try to comfort her, all those parts became active again. The depressed part, that raging storm outside the house, would be begin to destroy anything and anyone that tried to get near the house. The little girl would hide in a corner, protected by my scared, lonely, controlling, and dark parts in particular. She's still scared. She's scared of the things outside her bedroom door, she doesn't want to keep getting hurt. She's trying to protect herself from the bullies when she was younger, from the hurtful comments that even the people closest to her, and were supposed to love her most, made all the time, from the actions of others that terrified her to hiding in her bedroom curled in a ball sobbing, not knowing how to deal with it. She's protecting herself from the "friends" that destroyed her, from the feelings of worthlessness and not feeling good enough all of her life. She's created this protective bubble and won't let anyone or anything near it. Not even me. She just keeps hiding. She's still terrified. She still feels completely alone. She's still hiding in a corner in her bedroom sobbing.
It's been really hard to handle, honestly. Whenever I try to hug her and let her know she's not alone and doesn't have to be afraid anymore, all those parts start to become very active again, even if I had managed to keep them calm for a little bit. The parts that are most difficult to deal with are the depressed and dark parts. Those parts become active, and all of a sudden I'm back to sobbing and not being able to get out of bed, I'm keeping a distance from people and shutting down, I'm struggling to not self-harm and fighting suicidal thoughts. And then that little girl just starts feeling worse. It's been quite a battle. While everything that we've been doing in therapy is good, it has also been very hard. I'm trying to find ways to slowly approach this little girl, to help her see me and trust me so that I can get close enough to nurture and comfort her because there was no one to nurture or comfort her ever before.
As weird as all the "parts" stuff is, it's helped me become a little more self-aware and present, it allows me to step back from everything and try to see and understand what is going on and to "talk" to these parts so that they can also understand what is going on and that maybe sometimes they just need to step back a little bit. In all seriousness, if you have not seen the movie "Inside Out", you should see it, the whole "parts" thing will probably make more sense after that.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Why depression being misunderstood in the church, caused me to leave
Most people know that I left the church for several years about halfway through high school until about 5 and 1/2 years ago when I finally came back. I often talk about the time I spent away, and I talk even more about how I came back; but I don't often talk about what pushed me away. Today, I'm going too.
I've suffered with depression for about as long as I can remember, but it started to get a lot worse in middle and high school. I was frustrated. Church wise, I was doing everything I was supposed too- I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, going to church and young women's, I finished the young women's personal progress before I was a Mia Maid (they had just made changes to the program, allowing you to finish before you were 18.) I was going to Seminary and doing everything else I thought I was supposed to, but my depression continued, and it continued to get worse. From the things that I had been told in church, I thought it was all my fault. I couldn't figure out what major sin I had committed that would cause such despair and anguish. Everyone around me at church, including leaders, were telling me things like ---
"You just need to pray more"
"You need to be more spiritual"
"You need to be more worthy"
"You're not doing something right"
"Just believe more"
"If you just ask, Heavenly Father will make it go away"
Among many other things
These things were being continually thrown in my face. It got to the point, where I believed it. I didn't understand a lot about depression at the time, despite having suffered from it for a long time. I believed that it was all my fault, that I wasn't worthy enough for Heavenly Father to care about to make it go away, that it was my fault I couldn't make it go away etc etc etc. Eventually, I pushed away from the church, I couldn't find myself to believe in anything I had been taught there anymore. At the time, I was in high school and it was the same time my brother was also pulling away from the church. I know that hurt my mom, so to try to spare some of her feelings, I didn't "officially" pull away until after high school. Until then, I simply went through the motions.
After about 4 or 5 years away, I slowly made my way back to church; a lot of things happened to get me there until it was like Heavenly Father was hitting me over the head with a 2x4 or something. At that point, I had started learning more about my depression and other things I suffered with (and still continue to learn.) As soon as I came back, I began looking on Deseret Books for books that would help me understand depression better in relation to the church. I found this book called "Matters of the Mind: Latter-day Saint Helps for Mental Illness" (you can find it on Deseretbook.com here if you're interested. It covers several different mental illnesses, not just depression). This book was a great help in helping me understand more about the role my depression has in my life, and in the gospel. It was especially helpful when it explained that not being able to feel the Spirit sometimes (or often times) is common, and isn't a result of anything I'm doing. It came down to knowing that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ could hear me, but I couldn't hear them. I have since learned that that is when I should ask for a Priesthood blessing. My darkest times are when I need to be able to feel the Spirit the most, and that's usually when I can't feel it at all; receiving a Priesthood blessing allows the Spirit and Heavenly Father to go around that depression, and communicate with me through someone else.
In this month's Ensign, there is a wonderful article about depression. (For anyone who doesn't know, the Ensign is a spiritual magazine geared towards adults produced by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). The article is by a woman who didn't even know she had depression at first, and felt a lot of the same things that I also felt in regards to the church. She points out something very important in the article
I'm sad to say that there are still times I'm told some of those things from above. I know that most of the time, people have somewhat good intentions when they say things like what has been/is said to me, so I try really hard not to get mad or frustrated. But at the same time, I'm not going to lie, it's just to INFURIATING! I know it just comes from ignorance and a lack of understanding, but the stigma in the church (and out of the church) can be really hard to deal with. Things like depression, anxiety, OCD, etc etc are illness, they are MENTAL ILLNESSES, just like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease. You would certainly not walk up to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer and say things like "you just need to pray more", "just try harder", "just believe more" etc etc. NO! If they aren't getting treatment yet, you would be encouraging them to see their doctor, to start treatment, to fight. Just because it's harder to see, doesn't make mental illness any less serious than a physical one. I'm going to finish this blog off with a little "cartoon" that demonstrates my point quite well--- If physical illness were treated like mental illnesses are-
I've suffered with depression for about as long as I can remember, but it started to get a lot worse in middle and high school. I was frustrated. Church wise, I was doing everything I was supposed too- I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, going to church and young women's, I finished the young women's personal progress before I was a Mia Maid (they had just made changes to the program, allowing you to finish before you were 18.) I was going to Seminary and doing everything else I thought I was supposed to, but my depression continued, and it continued to get worse. From the things that I had been told in church, I thought it was all my fault. I couldn't figure out what major sin I had committed that would cause such despair and anguish. Everyone around me at church, including leaders, were telling me things like ---
"You just need to pray more"
"You need to be more spiritual"
"You need to be more worthy"
"You're not doing something right"
"Just believe more"
"If you just ask, Heavenly Father will make it go away"
Among many other things
These things were being continually thrown in my face. It got to the point, where I believed it. I didn't understand a lot about depression at the time, despite having suffered from it for a long time. I believed that it was all my fault, that I wasn't worthy enough for Heavenly Father to care about to make it go away, that it was my fault I couldn't make it go away etc etc etc. Eventually, I pushed away from the church, I couldn't find myself to believe in anything I had been taught there anymore. At the time, I was in high school and it was the same time my brother was also pulling away from the church. I know that hurt my mom, so to try to spare some of her feelings, I didn't "officially" pull away until after high school. Until then, I simply went through the motions.
After about 4 or 5 years away, I slowly made my way back to church; a lot of things happened to get me there until it was like Heavenly Father was hitting me over the head with a 2x4 or something. At that point, I had started learning more about my depression and other things I suffered with (and still continue to learn.) As soon as I came back, I began looking on Deseret Books for books that would help me understand depression better in relation to the church. I found this book called "Matters of the Mind: Latter-day Saint Helps for Mental Illness" (you can find it on Deseretbook.com here if you're interested. It covers several different mental illnesses, not just depression). This book was a great help in helping me understand more about the role my depression has in my life, and in the gospel. It was especially helpful when it explained that not being able to feel the Spirit sometimes (or often times) is common, and isn't a result of anything I'm doing. It came down to knowing that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ could hear me, but I couldn't hear them. I have since learned that that is when I should ask for a Priesthood blessing. My darkest times are when I need to be able to feel the Spirit the most, and that's usually when I can't feel it at all; receiving a Priesthood blessing allows the Spirit and Heavenly Father to go around that depression, and communicate with me through someone else.
In this month's Ensign, there is a wonderful article about depression. (For anyone who doesn't know, the Ensign is a spiritual magazine geared towards adults produced by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). The article is by a woman who didn't even know she had depression at first, and felt a lot of the same things that I also felt in regards to the church. She points out something very important in the article
Understanding that there are spiritual side effects from depression is important for Latter-day Saints dealing with their own depression or that of loved ones. Depression, in all forms, alters perception, making it difficult to feel peace, love, joy, or any of the fruits of the Spirit. It becomes easy to misinterpret sorrow as condemnation by God, thus causing spiritual struggles and sometimes inactivity in the Church. This may cause further distress for individuals and families facing this challenge.
It is essential to understand that such a spiritual crisis is not a result of spiritual weakness or lack of faith. Rather, depressive feelings and the resulting depressed view of one’s spirituality are usually caused by a chemical imbalance.She also quotes a talk Elder Jeffrey R Holland gave a couple of years ago in conference called "Like a Broken Vessel" which is another great source of helping others to understand depression better in the church.
I'm sad to say that there are still times I'm told some of those things from above. I know that most of the time, people have somewhat good intentions when they say things like what has been/is said to me, so I try really hard not to get mad or frustrated. But at the same time, I'm not going to lie, it's just to INFURIATING! I know it just comes from ignorance and a lack of understanding, but the stigma in the church (and out of the church) can be really hard to deal with. Things like depression, anxiety, OCD, etc etc are illness, they are MENTAL ILLNESSES, just like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease. You would certainly not walk up to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer and say things like "you just need to pray more", "just try harder", "just believe more" etc etc. NO! If they aren't getting treatment yet, you would be encouraging them to see their doctor, to start treatment, to fight. Just because it's harder to see, doesn't make mental illness any less serious than a physical one. I'm going to finish this blog off with a little "cartoon" that demonstrates my point quite well--- If physical illness were treated like mental illnesses are-
Friday, January 29, 2016
Parts Therapy: Finding Worth
Therapy has been...interesting lately, to say the least. This "parts" therapy is kind of weird to get used too. It starts off with a breathing exercise to kind of "center" myself. Then I'm asked to visualize some of the parts we've identified. The first session we really did this, we started off with the depressed part. I've always visualized my depression as a raging, threatening, thunderstorm with tornadoes. I was supposed to visualize myself separate from the part, and we talked to it. It was really kind of weird at first, I felt crazy, honestly. As we've talked to some of my parts, we've discovered other parts in the background. A lot of my parts seem to have some sort of connection to trying to keep me from getting hurt. My depressed part tries to keep me from being around other people and situations, my self-critical part keeps me from trying to succeed because it's afraid of failing and not being good enough for the people around me, it also thinks that by repeatedly telling me I'm worthless that it'll hurt less when other people say it. We discovered another part recently that we've been calling the "dark" part. This part seems to collect all triggering images I've seen (like from movies and tv shows) and holds on to them, it's also where the suicidal thinking and self-harm seems to reside. Then, in my darkest moments, it likes to bring them up because apparently it 1.) thinks it's helping my lonely part by trying to tell me I'm not alone in what I feel, and 2.) it feels it's protecting me by showing me a solution to how I feel. The questions seems to think why does it that would be protecting me. There's a quote I found quite some time ago by David Foster Wallace that I've used a few times to help explain how I feel, and I think that maybe this is the idea that this "dark" part has-
This "dark" part is more afraid of the darkness (aka the flames). Since starting therapy, and since my medication dosage increased, my okay days have increased, which I'm grateful for. But I'm still having plenty of rough days and days. Since talking to the dark part in therapy this week, it's actually been very active, and it's very difficult to deal with.
Besides all that, another big thing we've been working on is trying to find worth in myself. My therapist had me visualize "letting go" of the thought that I am worthless, and find ways to replace it. So I've been doing my best to focus on the positive things that my friends around me say. I have a folder filled with cards and letters from friends and I've even written down some really sweet texts they've sent and I keep it all together for me to remind myself of often. Now I'm trying to find the same worth in myself.
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
This "dark" part is more afraid of the darkness (aka the flames). Since starting therapy, and since my medication dosage increased, my okay days have increased, which I'm grateful for. But I'm still having plenty of rough days and days. Since talking to the dark part in therapy this week, it's actually been very active, and it's very difficult to deal with.
Besides all that, another big thing we've been working on is trying to find worth in myself. My therapist had me visualize "letting go" of the thought that I am worthless, and find ways to replace it. So I've been doing my best to focus on the positive things that my friends around me say. I have a folder filled with cards and letters from friends and I've even written down some really sweet texts they've sent and I keep it all together for me to remind myself of often. Now I'm trying to find the same worth in myself.
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