Just trying to figure it all out

There's been a number of things that have happened in therapy since I last wrote.

First of all, a couple of weeks ago I discovered that some small part of me is afraid I'm going to leave the church again.  That was kind of a surprise to me.  When this happened, I was struggling with some of those messages that the depression is my fault, or that I'm worthless because I can't just make it go away.  Even though I know those things aren't true, I still struggle to fight with those thoughts sometimes.  So when I went into therapy and shared this, of course my therapist wanted to explore a bit more what might be going on.  I found that there is a small part of me that wants to accept some of the blame instead of completely accepting that this is a trail that Heavenly Father has given me for whatever reason.  This part was afraid that I'm going to get angry at Heavenly Father and leave the church again, so it tries to hang on to some of those messages a little bit so that doesn't happen.  Yeah, I wasn't expecting that.  I'm stronger in the church now than I was before I left.  I'm not angry with Heavenly Father and I have no intention of leaving again.  So now I have to show this part that I'm not going anywhere and that it can completely let go of those messages and the blame.

This most recent therapy session was pretty intense for me.  On Sunday night, I was having a lot of dreams where I hurt myself, and when I woke up on Monday, those temptations and urges to hurt myself were incredibly strong.  I ended up staying in bed a majority of Monday, which I was not happy about.  So in therapy on Tuesday, we found both the self-harm part and the suicidal part were very active and apparently feeling neglected.  I've spent a lot of time trying to push those parts away, because in my head, "getting better" means that those parts are no longer present.  I'm trying to find other ways of coping and it's been over 3 months since I last hurt myself (which is big deal for me because before that, I couldn't go more than a couple of weeks.)  Because I've relied on those parts so much for such a long time, they were feeling neglected and started to become really active again.  The thing is, these parts think they're protecting me, so the fact that I want them to go away makes them kind of mad.  The self-harm part is like a "firefighter," as my therapist puts it.  When things get really bad, it's my way of dealing.  Without it, the darkness/depression would get too much for me to handle; in a way, it acts as a moderator between me and the suicidal part, it keeps me from doing something worse.  If it weren't there, I would be resorting to much darker things.  And the suicidal part is afraid that if it's not there, the darkness/depression will completely overwhelm me and I won't have any way out.  I know it probably doesn't make any sense to anyone who hasn't experienced these things, but it kind of makes sense to me.  Anyways, on Monday, that depressed part stepped in and kept me in bed all day as a way of trying to keep me safe and not hurt myself.

My therapist explained that out in the world, and even in the mental health world, those self-harm and suicidal parts get a bum rap because we don't think they should be there, but that I was supposed to explain to those parts that I don't want them to go away completely because ultimately they are trying to protect me, we just want them to step back a little bit so they don't feel like they have to completely take over.  She suggested that I "invite" the parts to join me when I work on other coping activities that I try to do (such as coloring, crocheting, etc) but I have no idea how to even go about doing that.  So in some future sessions, she wants to do some activities that we can work with those parts so they're a little less intense.  In the mean time, they've remained pretty active this week after confronting them in therapy and I've been having a hard time trying to keep them from completely taking over.  It's hard and it's intense.

I'm really grateful for my therapist though.  I really like her and I know I'm starting to make a little bit of progress.  We recently reviewed my treatment plan that we created when I started because they want their patients to review it every 3 months.  So when I started, there were 3 main goals that we set- 1. I would develop 2 new skills to help cope with my depression.  2. I would be able to finish my school work in a more timely manner without getting more extensions on my semesters. 3.  I would be able to handle work better and not get covers for my shifts as often.  Since I'm working just 2 nights/week it's been a lot easier to handle and I have not needed to ask for a cover.  Though my school work is still going slow, the pace has increased a tiny bit, so that's better than nothing.  And lastly, the skill that I feel I developed is this blog.  Sure, I've always written in a journal pretty regularly, but creating this blog has helped me to be more open and reach out more and I think that's really helped me a lot.

Throughout all of this, I am very, very, slowly beginning to see and feel some worth in myself, and that has resulted in me starting to take better care of myself.  I've even lost 8.6 lbs in the past month!  I'm not doing anything major, but I've been making small changes to try to take better care of myself and it seems to be doing something.  Things are still really hard, don't get me wrong.  Heck, this week alone has been a roller coaster between days when I feel okay and days that I'm really struggling.  But overall, things are moving in the right direction, and that's all I can do.