Why depression being misunderstood in the church, caused me to leave

Most people know that I left the church for several years about halfway through high school until about 5 and 1/2 years ago when I finally came back.  I often talk about the time I spent away, and I talk even more about how I came back; but I don't often talk about what pushed me away.  Today, I'm going too.

I've suffered with depression for about as long as I can remember, but it started to get a lot worse in middle and high school.  I was frustrated.  Church wise, I was doing everything I was supposed too- I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, going to church and young women's, I finished the young women's personal progress before I was a Mia Maid (they had just made changes to the program, allowing you to finish before you were 18.)  I was going to Seminary and doing everything else I thought I was supposed to, but my depression continued, and it continued to get worse.  From the things that I had been told in church, I thought it was all my fault.  I couldn't figure out what major sin I had committed that would cause such despair and anguish.  Everyone around me at church, including leaders, were telling me things like ---
                                          "You just need to pray more"
                                          "You need to be more spiritual"
                                          "You need to be more worthy"
                                          "You're not doing something right"
                                          "Just believe more"
                                          "If you just ask, Heavenly Father will make it go away"
                                           Among many other things
These things were being continually thrown in my face.  It got to the point, where I believed it.  I didn't understand a lot about depression at the time, despite having suffered from it for a long time.  I believed that it was all my fault, that I wasn't worthy enough for Heavenly Father to care about to make it go away, that it was my fault I couldn't make it go away etc etc etc.  Eventually, I pushed away from the church, I couldn't find myself to believe in anything I had been taught there anymore.  At the time, I was in high school and it was the same time my brother was also pulling away from the church.  I know that hurt my mom, so to try to spare some of her feelings, I didn't "officially" pull away until after high school.  Until then, I simply went through the motions.

After about 4 or 5 years away, I slowly made my way back to church; a lot of things happened to get me there until it was like Heavenly Father was hitting me over the head with a 2x4 or something.  At that point, I had started learning more about my depression and other things I suffered with (and still continue to learn.)  As soon as I came back, I began looking on Deseret Books for books that would help me understand depression better in relation to the church.  I found this book called "Matters of the Mind: Latter-day Saint Helps for Mental Illness"  (you can find it on Deseretbook.com here if you're interested.  It covers several different mental illnesses, not just depression).  This book was a great help in helping me understand more about the role my depression has in my life, and in the gospel.  It was especially helpful when it explained that not being able to feel the Spirit sometimes (or often times) is common, and isn't a result of anything I'm doing.  It came down to knowing that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ could hear me, but I couldn't hear them.  I have since learned that that is when I should ask for a Priesthood blessing.  My darkest times are when I need to be able to feel the Spirit the most, and that's usually when I can't feel it at all; receiving a Priesthood blessing allows the Spirit and Heavenly Father to go around that depression, and communicate with me through someone else.

In this month's Ensign, there is a wonderful article about depression.  (For anyone who doesn't know, the Ensign is a spiritual magazine geared towards adults produced by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).  The article is by a woman who didn't even know she had depression at first, and felt a lot of the same things that I also felt in regards to the church.  She points out something very important in the article

Understanding that there are spiritual side effects from depression is important for Latter-day Saints dealing with their own depression or that of loved ones. Depression, in all forms, alters perception, making it difficult to feel peace, love, joy, or any of the fruits of the Spirit. It becomes easy to misinterpret sorrow as condemnation by God, thus causing spiritual struggles and sometimes inactivity in the Church. This may cause further distress for individuals and families facing this challenge. 

It is essential to understand that such a spiritual crisis is not a result of spiritual weakness or lack of faith. Rather, depressive feelings and the resulting depressed view of one’s spirituality are usually caused by a chemical imbalance.

 She also quotes a talk Elder Jeffrey R Holland gave a couple of years ago in conference called "Like a Broken Vessel" which is another great source of helping others to understand depression better in the church.

I'm sad to say that there are still times I'm told some of those things from above.  I know that most of the time, people have somewhat good intentions when they say things like what has been/is said to me, so I try really hard not to get mad or frustrated.  But at the same time, I'm not going to lie, it's just to INFURIATING!  I know it just comes from ignorance and a lack of understanding, but the stigma in the church (and out of the church) can be really hard to deal with.  Things like depression, anxiety, OCD, etc etc are illness, they are MENTAL ILLNESSES, just like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease.  You would certainly not walk up to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer and say things like "you just need to pray more", "just try harder", "just believe more" etc etc.  NO!  If they aren't getting treatment yet, you would be encouraging them to see their doctor, to start treatment, to fight.  Just because it's harder to see, doesn't make mental illness any less serious than a physical one.  I'm going to finish this blog off with a little "cartoon" that demonstrates my point quite well--- If physical illness were treated like mental illnesses are-