New therapist---New plan

This blog is still something I'm unsure about, but something keeps telling me I just need to do it.  Much like the night I decided to set it up, apparently, there is some reason for me to do this blog, whether for me, or someone else (or both.)  I keep telling myself there are certain topics that I'm not going to bring up in here, but the impression I keep receiving is "No, you need to talk about those too, openly and honestly."  Those posts will take some time to write, but apparently I'll be writing those too :-/  Anyways...on to today---


Today I saw a new therapist.

Therapy has never been easy for me, and I've been in and out of therapy a lot of my life.  When I was younger (around 6th grade), my parents took me a psychologist for awhile, but I really didn't like him.  After awhile, I just stopped opening up during our sessions until he told my mom I didn't need to come anymore.  (At the time I thought I fooled him, looking back, it's more likely he saw what I was doing and realized it wasn't worth my parents time or money if I wasn't going to open up.)

Sometime in middle school (or early high school), supposedly my mom took me to see some person but I refused to talk and so the woman told my mom it wasn't worth it or something.  (I have no memory of this happening.)

Then, a few years ago, I finally decided to start on my own.  I really liked the first therapist I saw so I stuck with her.  Eventually, she was on maternity leave so I stopped seeing anyone until she came back.  When she came back, she had a limited schedule so I could only see her every so often.  Then there issues of being able to afford it, and insurance change with my moms job so it wasn't covered, then it all switched again so it was.  It's basically been a huge roller coaster.

A couple of months ago, I started toying with the thought of switching therapists.  While I loved my current therapist, I just didn't feel like I was really getting anything from it.  I mean, I would go in and talk, and that was good and all, but I didn't feel like I was working towards anything.  Then I turned 26 and lost my insurance coverage under my parents and my new insurance coverage wasn't accepted at her office anymore.  I could still see her, but the self-pay rate was $75, it didn't really seem worth it if I felt like it wasn't going anywhere.  So, it seemed like the choice was made, I was switching therapists.

I took the list of people who were covered, and started doing some research into who I might fit best with.  I narrowed it down to 6 and a close friend of mine gave some thoughts/input and I narrowed it down to 3.  I picked the one of the three that seemed the best fit and I made an appointment, which was this morning.  I was terrified.  I really didn't want to go, I didn't want to have rehash everything from my past, but I knew I would have to because it's stuff that still affects me, so to understand where I am now, it would be necessary to go through all that again.  In addition, there was a particular issue I was scared about being honest about (in theory, there will be a blog post about it eventually, it'll be one of the hardest ones I write.)  My old therapist was very caring/compassionate and understanding about it, and I needed that; but I have read horror stories from some of the support forums I'm on from other people and their therapists on this particular issue, so I was really scared.  Thankfully, I was able to make an appointment for just after work, and her office is literally right across the street from work (the hotel street number is 2215, her street number is 2214.) so I didn't have a lot of time to try to talk myself out of it.

I have to say, I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing.  The therapist is very nice.  Of course the first appointment was filled with questions about what I struggle with and experience and my past.  She asked about my family, schooling, work, support system, feelings, events etc etc.  She gave me assessments for anxiety and depression to fill out.  She diagnosed me with severe depression (which I've already been diagnosed with) and she specified my anxiety diagnosis a little more and diagnosed me with panic disorder.  She also explained a little bit about why I experience those feelings of distorted reality and disconnect when I have panic attacks.  She also noticed a possible connection between an incident that occurred when I was in 2nd grade and when I started experiencing anxiety/panic attacks.  She was also very understanding about the particular issue that I was scared about being honest about.  Then we sat down and kind of set up a treatment plan and some goals I want to achieve (something that my old therapist never did.)  Before I left, she said I was a fresh of breath air because apparently she doesn't have a lot of clients who actually have or want goals, they just come in and complain, but I walked in wanting to be able to make goals.  (What is the point of therapy if I'm not going to work towards anything?)

Anyways, I'm going to be seeing her every week for awhile.  I like that she's right across the street from work.  My old therapist was almost out in Boalsburg, so it was kind of annoying to get too.  I hope things continue to go well with her, we'll have to see, but things look good.

Thank you to those who encouraged me the past few weeks to keep my appointment and supported me in going, I appreciate it.