Well, therapy was interesting this week.
So for awhile now, we've been trying to work with this "dark part" that's been present. This part is what the suicidal and self-harm part try to protect me from. This is also a part that I've never been able to visualize separate from myself like I do the other parts, and when we try to "work with it" in therapy, I never seem to get anything from it. It's a heavy, overwhelming darkness that feels like it has seeped into my entire being. Sometimes it's not quite as dark as other times, but right now, it's really bad. I've made a lot of progress in therapy, and there are definitely a lot of things that are different than they were a year ago. I've been trying to do everything I can and everything I'm supposed to be to the best of my ability. This has included church stuff, going to work, doing school, getting out of bed and out of my bedroom/apartment, reaching out to others and being social when I can, doing things like yoga and some other exercise when I can, therapy and medicine etc etc etc. Despite all of this, that dark part won't go away. Finally, Karen (therapist) concluded that this dark part is the depression itself, it's the brain chemistry; and while there's a lot we can do with working with my parts, this is something that parts therapy isn't going to help.
Time for a shake up...
First Karen is going to run an IVA test. She said it's done on the computer and when I hear/see a 1, I click the mouse, and when I hear/see a 2, I DON'T click. Apparently they can tell a bunch of stuff from that. She's going to be in contact with Dr. K (psychiatrist) to talk about my medicine. Dr. K was avoiding taking me off my current medicine because of the withdrawal symptoms, but depending on what this test shows, she may end up having to change it. Then, she wants to start doing neurofeedback. She said they attach sensors to my head and they will teach/train my brain to respond to certain things? She didn't go into much detail about it, since it was the end of the session. I've been trying to do a little research. From what I've been able to read, (and someone can correct me if I'm wrong), the idea is that the neurofeedback trains patients to have better handle/control of their emotions. This abstract here has some more information (I haven't gotten through all of it) http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0038115
Karen said it'll be done right there at the office, so I asked if it was "charged" to the insurance the same way as a therapy session. She said it's actually something insurance doesn't pay for at all and they offer it as an "add-on" service (it's still fairly new for them to offer) but they're working on a plan for patients who have been working hard and haven't been responding to other things (such as medicine and therapy) and this is really the next course of action, they're planning on offering it free of charge. So she said it wasn't going to cost me anything, which is a huge blessing, because I imagine it's not cheap.
In the meantime, I've grown more desperate and more discouraged. I'm trying to keep my ahead above water, but I'm really struggling. I'm really grateful for all the friends I have around me supporting and encouraging me. They're definitely helping me to stay afloat. Thank you.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Monday, October 3, 2016
New Medicine and Treatment Resistant Depression
So, I saw the new psychiatrist on Friday. First a nurse called me back to do weight/blood pressure and other stuff. Then she did a suicide risk assessment again. Well, I learned my lesson the last time. I was honest, but I wasn't as honest as I was the first time; there was no way in the world I was dealing with all that again.
So after that, I met with Dr. K. She was nice enough I guess, but she wasn't very personable. Anyways, here's the deal. The medicine I'm currently on (Effexor) is apparently really hard to come off of because there are a lot of withdrawal symptoms; so even if I do some off of it, it'll take awhile because I'm at a higher dosage and you have to come off of it slowly. We also talked about some of the other medicines I've tried before, and she said based on those, she's not sure what she would prescribe because I've tried anti-depressants from different categories. (I made sure to mention that at least a couple of those medicines were taken when I was younger (teenage years) so I'm not sure if my body would respond the same way to them now. I know anti-depressants have different effects in teenagers than they do in adults, so I figured she would want to know in case she wanted to retry one of them.) So she decided to add a prescription for now: Vyvanse. So Vyvanse is supposed to treat ADHD, but it is also supposed to help treat BED (Binge Eating Disorder). It's supposed to help decrease the number of binge days. I've also been having a really hard time focusing lately (and getting very little school work done), so it should help with that too. It's a stimulant and thought to work by restoring the balance of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, which means it should help some with the depression as well. We'll see what happens. We'll also see about insurance. When I got the prescription filled, the pharmacy said my insurance required prior authorization for this medicine, so they were gonna fax the doctor. But I also had a card from the information packet my doctor gave me for a free 30 supply and then another card for a 30-day supply for $15 for 12 months. So I gave them that too. I was also getting my other medicines filled, so I was waiting about half an hour and when I paid, this particular medicine didn't cost me anything, but they also gave me back the card for the free month supply. So I'm not really sure if they got the authorization that fast, or if they just used the card. But I looked at the packet from the pharmacy and it's originally almost $330!!!! Wow.
Anyways, this visit with Dr.K has me a little concerned. There's a thing known as TRD- Treatment Resistant Depression. What is exactly defined as TRD is up for a debate a little bit, but it's basically defined as a case of depression that doesn't respond to anywhere from two to at least four different antidepressants from different classes. (http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/treatment-resistant-depression-what-is-treatment-resistant-depression#1) Basically, it's not easily treated. It takes a lot longer to find a good combination of treatments (between medicine, therapy and lifestyle changes) and it's even possible that no combination will fully treat it. That's what worries me. I've made a lot of progress in therapy. There have been a lot of things that are different from a year ago, but those dark, self-harm, and suicidal parts are still so active and present. These are the parts that have become unbearable for me. What if there isn't a way to fully get relief from them? :-/
Something else we're going to try to add to my treatment is an emotional support animal (a cat) but because my apartment complex has a very strict no-pet policy (not even the option to pay for a deposit), it's going to be more difficult because I have to get a letter from my therapist (and maybe even my psychiatrist if I want to have more to provide the apartment office with) and possibly have to fight the complex about it. Also, I'm not sure yet if I'd be able to afford to have a cat (though I think I can make it work), or if all my roommates would be okay it, even if it's in my room most of the time. There are also some neurostimulation treatments that have become available and a little bit more common. Something like that would take a LOT of research and consideration and a lot of talk with my doctors and therapist.
Things are just really frustrating and I'm getting really discouraged. I hope the added medicine will have some affect.
EDIT: So I know that legally the apartment will have to let me have an emotional support animal, but I suspect they will still try to fight it initially, especially because most people/places aren't familiar with the laws around an ESA. Thankfully, my current therapist is pretty familiar with it. My old therapist didn't really have any information and was hesitant to write a letter because then it goes into writing that I'm "disabled" (which technically, I am) and she didn't know who all would have access to the letter, even though I signed a release that she could give information. She did write a letter, but it didn't really have the information in it that I needed it to to be able to take to the office.
So after that, I met with Dr. K. She was nice enough I guess, but she wasn't very personable. Anyways, here's the deal. The medicine I'm currently on (Effexor) is apparently really hard to come off of because there are a lot of withdrawal symptoms; so even if I do some off of it, it'll take awhile because I'm at a higher dosage and you have to come off of it slowly. We also talked about some of the other medicines I've tried before, and she said based on those, she's not sure what she would prescribe because I've tried anti-depressants from different categories. (I made sure to mention that at least a couple of those medicines were taken when I was younger (teenage years) so I'm not sure if my body would respond the same way to them now. I know anti-depressants have different effects in teenagers than they do in adults, so I figured she would want to know in case she wanted to retry one of them.) So she decided to add a prescription for now: Vyvanse. So Vyvanse is supposed to treat ADHD, but it is also supposed to help treat BED (Binge Eating Disorder). It's supposed to help decrease the number of binge days. I've also been having a really hard time focusing lately (and getting very little school work done), so it should help with that too. It's a stimulant and thought to work by restoring the balance of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, which means it should help some with the depression as well. We'll see what happens. We'll also see about insurance. When I got the prescription filled, the pharmacy said my insurance required prior authorization for this medicine, so they were gonna fax the doctor. But I also had a card from the information packet my doctor gave me for a free 30 supply and then another card for a 30-day supply for $15 for 12 months. So I gave them that too. I was also getting my other medicines filled, so I was waiting about half an hour and when I paid, this particular medicine didn't cost me anything, but they also gave me back the card for the free month supply. So I'm not really sure if they got the authorization that fast, or if they just used the card. But I looked at the packet from the pharmacy and it's originally almost $330!!!! Wow.
Anyways, this visit with Dr.K has me a little concerned. There's a thing known as TRD- Treatment Resistant Depression. What is exactly defined as TRD is up for a debate a little bit, but it's basically defined as a case of depression that doesn't respond to anywhere from two to at least four different antidepressants from different classes. (http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/treatment-resistant-depression-what-is-treatment-resistant-depression#1) Basically, it's not easily treated. It takes a lot longer to find a good combination of treatments (between medicine, therapy and lifestyle changes) and it's even possible that no combination will fully treat it. That's what worries me. I've made a lot of progress in therapy. There have been a lot of things that are different from a year ago, but those dark, self-harm, and suicidal parts are still so active and present. These are the parts that have become unbearable for me. What if there isn't a way to fully get relief from them? :-/
Something else we're going to try to add to my treatment is an emotional support animal (a cat) but because my apartment complex has a very strict no-pet policy (not even the option to pay for a deposit), it's going to be more difficult because I have to get a letter from my therapist (and maybe even my psychiatrist if I want to have more to provide the apartment office with) and possibly have to fight the complex about it. Also, I'm not sure yet if I'd be able to afford to have a cat (though I think I can make it work), or if all my roommates would be okay it, even if it's in my room most of the time. There are also some neurostimulation treatments that have become available and a little bit more common. Something like that would take a LOT of research and consideration and a lot of talk with my doctors and therapist.
Things are just really frustrating and I'm getting really discouraged. I hope the added medicine will have some affect.
EDIT: So I know that legally the apartment will have to let me have an emotional support animal, but I suspect they will still try to fight it initially, especially because most people/places aren't familiar with the laws around an ESA. Thankfully, my current therapist is pretty familiar with it. My old therapist didn't really have any information and was hesitant to write a letter because then it goes into writing that I'm "disabled" (which technically, I am) and she didn't know who all would have access to the letter, even though I signed a release that she could give information. She did write a letter, but it didn't really have the information in it that I needed it to to be able to take to the office.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Tired of fighting
***Trigger Warning***Not sure if it needs it, but this is kind of a heavy post (I feel like it is anyways) and there is talk about suicide and self-harm***
Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting.
I've been making progress in therapy, and I've been taking some positive steps, even my therapist has commented about how proud she is. But despite all that, there is this overwhelming and heavy darkness that is just attached me to me; a part of me. I have yet to be able to visualize this "part" separate from myself. In response to this particular part, my "fire fighter" parts, especially the self-harm and suicidal parts, become very active. Since this dark part never seems to fully leave, it means those fire fighter parts are always active. I know they're trying to protect me, but I still have to somehow actively fight against them. It wears me out. It leaves me exhausted, emotional, and feeling vulnerable. It just seems to much easier to let them all win. I'm tired of holding on and hanging in there. I'm tired of having to spend almost 100% of my energy trying to function, or hell, just trying to stay alive! I've been feeling lonely and angry.
There's a quote by David Foster Wallace that I think I've shared before, but it goes:
Sorry for the post, I just haven't been able to get this stuff out, despite how much I've tried, and I just really needed to get it out. I know that the Savior and Heavenly Father have not abandoned me, but I feel alone. I've been wanting to ask for a blessing, but I always seem to struggle with that, even when I'm comfortable with the person. I feel unworthy and undeserving of help. Or worried that I'll bother someone.
*deep breathes* :-/ :'(
Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting.
I've been making progress in therapy, and I've been taking some positive steps, even my therapist has commented about how proud she is. But despite all that, there is this overwhelming and heavy darkness that is just attached me to me; a part of me. I have yet to be able to visualize this "part" separate from myself. In response to this particular part, my "fire fighter" parts, especially the self-harm and suicidal parts, become very active. Since this dark part never seems to fully leave, it means those fire fighter parts are always active. I know they're trying to protect me, but I still have to somehow actively fight against them. It wears me out. It leaves me exhausted, emotional, and feeling vulnerable. It just seems to much easier to let them all win. I'm tired of holding on and hanging in there. I'm tired of having to spend almost 100% of my energy trying to function, or hell, just trying to stay alive! I've been feeling lonely and angry.
There's a quote by David Foster Wallace that I think I've shared before, but it goes:
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”This is how I feel. This is explains why I have these fire fighter parts. I'm more afraid of the flames than I am of the jump. Those fire fighter parts try to protect me by giving me a way to get away from the flames. But the thing is, I'm not "supposed" to be participating in those either. I'm not "supposed" to end my life and I'm not "supposed" to hurt myself. So not only do I have to try to fight the darkness/flames, but the very thing that is supposed to help, isn't an easily acceptable solution. It's been almost 10 months since I last hurt myself. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it just doesn't feel like it. Why? Because I have to fight against it every single freaking day. I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but hurting myself provides some relief. It makes that darkness a little more tolerable, it makes it a tiny bit easier to fight to get through to the next day, it makes me feel in control. I am sick of fighting against these parts!!! I'm tired from it. I don't have the strength and I don't have the energy to keep doing it right now.
Sorry for the post, I just haven't been able to get this stuff out, despite how much I've tried, and I just really needed to get it out. I know that the Savior and Heavenly Father have not abandoned me, but I feel alone. I've been wanting to ask for a blessing, but I always seem to struggle with that, even when I'm comfortable with the person. I feel unworthy and undeserving of help. Or worried that I'll bother someone.
*deep breathes* :-/ :'(
Saturday, September 3, 2016
A very frustrating experience
I had a very different experience this week, one that has left me feeling a little angry and sour.
So I've been trying to find a psychiatrist because right now my antidepressants are handled by my primary care physician, and I wanted to get to someone specialized. In addition, my therapist (Karen) doesn't think my medicine is working right now because despite the stuff we've been working through and despite the progress I've been making, I'm still struggling a lot with this overwhelming darkness that is attached me to, suicidal thoughts, and the desire to self-harm. So she recommended a place in Bellefonte that she knew took my insurance, so I called. In order to get an appointment with one of their psychiatrists, you have to have an assessment by one of their therapists to get a referral. Oy. So I had my "assessment" on Friday, and boy did it almost end badly.
So when I went in for this assessment, one of the things she had me fill out was a Suicide Risk Assessment. I thought about not answering everything honestly because I knew the score was going to be high, but I want to be able to get the medication I need, so I answered everything honestly. I answered that yes, there has been an attempt in my past. Yes, I often think about I want to give up, yes I have access to pain killers, but no, I don't have any plans right now. I answered that I have struggled with self-harm in the past, but that it's been 9 months since I last did anything. I also made it very clear to her that my therapist is very much aware of everything going on. Well, she added up the score of the assessment and told me how high it was and immediately started talking about how I needed to go into inpatient care.
Wait...what?!?!
I told her that yes, there are times I had thought about going, but right now, I didn't need to. When she asked what I was "afraid of" I explained that 1.) I didn't like not knowing what would happen and not being in control (see my last post) and that 2.) I can't afford to lose shifts at work. I'm not going to lie, part of me is also afraid of all the stigma associated with it (ironic, huh?)
Anyways, I explained again that my therapist knows everything. She knows that the suicidal part and self-harm part are my fire fighters, and while they're often present and active, I don't have any current plans to take my life. I have a safety plan. In the past 5 or 6 years, and even more so over the past year (as I've become more open about everything) I've learned how to be able to tell when I'm not safe, and what steps I need to take to be safe. I know who I can reach out to and that I have a way to contact my therapist between appointments. I still go to work, I'm still working on school, still going to church and still seeing friends etc etc etc. I told this lady ALL of that, but all she saw was the number on the paper, and that's it. When I told her I wasn't willing to go into inpatient care, she started talking about being involuntarily committed. Again....what?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! She tried to call my therapist but she wasn't available, so she sent her an email. Then she asked if there I was a way I could lock up my medicine, so I told her I could give it to my roommate who would keep my accountable. So she asked to call my roommate so she could talk to her. Finally, she agreed to let me go. But by then I was super angry. I get where she was coming from, I understand they're liable and how does she know I'm being honest about things, or anything like that. She doesn't know me. But that's just it...she doesn't know me. Ugh.
So after my appointment, I texted Karen and gave her a heads up about the email, which she wasn't able to open because it was encrypted and she didn't know how to open it. So I gave her the woman's name in case she wanted to call her. Then we texted a bit and she said this other woman probably wasn't as comfortable with my fire fighters as we were (you know, since she doesn't know and hasn't worked with me,) But Karen also asked me if I had any plans or if it was still just general thoughts, and she made sure I was doing okay and everything. I felt less angry after touching base with Karen. But still, I was just so frustrated that this woman wouldn't listen to anything I was saying.
Anyways, I guess the reason why I felt the need to share this story is because September is Suicide Awareness Month. There are a few "campaigns" going on to shed light on this, like take 5 minutes to listen to a friend. I also want to "promote" creating a safety plan for yourself. This website has a good template for one: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/learn/safety.aspx
So I've been trying to find a psychiatrist because right now my antidepressants are handled by my primary care physician, and I wanted to get to someone specialized. In addition, my therapist (Karen) doesn't think my medicine is working right now because despite the stuff we've been working through and despite the progress I've been making, I'm still struggling a lot with this overwhelming darkness that is attached me to, suicidal thoughts, and the desire to self-harm. So she recommended a place in Bellefonte that she knew took my insurance, so I called. In order to get an appointment with one of their psychiatrists, you have to have an assessment by one of their therapists to get a referral. Oy. So I had my "assessment" on Friday, and boy did it almost end badly.
So when I went in for this assessment, one of the things she had me fill out was a Suicide Risk Assessment. I thought about not answering everything honestly because I knew the score was going to be high, but I want to be able to get the medication I need, so I answered everything honestly. I answered that yes, there has been an attempt in my past. Yes, I often think about I want to give up, yes I have access to pain killers, but no, I don't have any plans right now. I answered that I have struggled with self-harm in the past, but that it's been 9 months since I last did anything. I also made it very clear to her that my therapist is very much aware of everything going on. Well, she added up the score of the assessment and told me how high it was and immediately started talking about how I needed to go into inpatient care.
Wait...what?!?!
I told her that yes, there are times I had thought about going, but right now, I didn't need to. When she asked what I was "afraid of" I explained that 1.) I didn't like not knowing what would happen and not being in control (see my last post) and that 2.) I can't afford to lose shifts at work. I'm not going to lie, part of me is also afraid of all the stigma associated with it (ironic, huh?)
Anyways, I explained again that my therapist knows everything. She knows that the suicidal part and self-harm part are my fire fighters, and while they're often present and active, I don't have any current plans to take my life. I have a safety plan. In the past 5 or 6 years, and even more so over the past year (as I've become more open about everything) I've learned how to be able to tell when I'm not safe, and what steps I need to take to be safe. I know who I can reach out to and that I have a way to contact my therapist between appointments. I still go to work, I'm still working on school, still going to church and still seeing friends etc etc etc. I told this lady ALL of that, but all she saw was the number on the paper, and that's it. When I told her I wasn't willing to go into inpatient care, she started talking about being involuntarily committed. Again....what?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! She tried to call my therapist but she wasn't available, so she sent her an email. Then she asked if there I was a way I could lock up my medicine, so I told her I could give it to my roommate who would keep my accountable. So she asked to call my roommate so she could talk to her. Finally, she agreed to let me go. But by then I was super angry. I get where she was coming from, I understand they're liable and how does she know I'm being honest about things, or anything like that. She doesn't know me. But that's just it...she doesn't know me. Ugh.
So after my appointment, I texted Karen and gave her a heads up about the email, which she wasn't able to open because it was encrypted and she didn't know how to open it. So I gave her the woman's name in case she wanted to call her. Then we texted a bit and she said this other woman probably wasn't as comfortable with my fire fighters as we were (you know, since she doesn't know and hasn't worked with me,) But Karen also asked me if I had any plans or if it was still just general thoughts, and she made sure I was doing okay and everything. I felt less angry after touching base with Karen. But still, I was just so frustrated that this woman wouldn't listen to anything I was saying.
Anyways, I guess the reason why I felt the need to share this story is because September is Suicide Awareness Month. There are a few "campaigns" going on to shed light on this, like take 5 minutes to listen to a friend. I also want to "promote" creating a safety plan for yourself. This website has a good template for one: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/learn/safety.aspx
Sunday, August 21, 2016
When things feel out of control
Things have been feeling out of control lately, and that's something I really struggle with. That struggle becomes particularly evident in two areas of my life. First, while there are many things contribute to my struggle with self-harm, a big one is a need to feel like I'm in control. I can't control the darkness/"mental pain", but when I hurt myself, that is a pain I can control. The other area are some of my obsessive compulsive behaviors; particularly with my planning/day to day schedule. At it's worst, I had a monthly, weekly and daily dry erase boards AND planners and I had 3 "to-do list" notebooks, where I had to write the same list AT LEAST 3 times to feel okay. I also was completely unable to do anything "spur of the moment." My parents can attest to this- if they asked me in the morning to empty the dishwasher sometime before dinner, but I didn't have it planned in my day (even though it would only take 5min), I couldn't do it. I can't really explain it to sound logical, because truth it, it isn't. But to me, when I was struggling with that, it was completely logical. But essentially, it would cause me to have panic and anxiety attacks. And my refusal to do something, in the eyes of someone who didn't understand, just pissed them off. Nowadays, thanks to some medicine, things aren't that bad anymore. I still have a planner, and there are still some times where unplanned requests/events give me panic attacks, but overall I'm much more flexible and less obsessive about every minute of every day. When things feel out of control around me, sometimes those behaviors kick back up again. (When I was in the process of starting a new position for instance, it triggered a lot of those behaviors.)
There are some things that we've discovered in therapy that really contribute to this struggle with control. The first one is an accident I witnessed when I was in 2nd grade. On the way home from school one day, the bus was stopped at the top of a hill to let a girl off, as she was crossing the street, a tractor trailer came flying up the road, and not seeing the bus, or the girl, hit her. Amazingly, she survived. But as a result, we were held up in the bus for awhile, and eventually we were transferred to a different bus that took a different route to get everyone home (since the usual route was now blocked by the accident) and the 8ish-year-old Rose freaked about getting home and the sudden change in what was happening. It seems that that was a big factor in some of my issues with control. Another big factor was being unable to control outbursts from people around me growing up. As I got older, when those events occurred around me that I couldn't control, I would lock myself in my bedroom and hurt myself because I felt like it was the only thing I could control.
Now, when things feel particularly out of control, that self-harm part becomes incredibly active (more so than usual), because I know that it will make me feel better, and I know it will let me feel in control. I can't control friends who are moving. I can't control if the electricity goes out and I don't sleep well. I can't control if things are crazy at the hotel. I can't control almost car accidents caused by other people. I can't control my panic attacks. I can't control the fact that my support system feels shot because of people being gone/leaving/busy/unavailable or having a hard time of their own. I can't control the issues we were having with our apartment office and the chaos of people moving in/out. I can't exactly control what's going on in my head, the best I can do is try to fight/manage it. Suicidal thoughts have been strong lately and it's been really hard. Some nights I lay in bed sobbing because I'm tired of hanging on; I feel like I have no strength left and I just want to let go because it seems so much easier, liberating, and relieving.
Right now, I'm functioning much better than I ever have before. I'm spending a majority of my time, not just out of bed, but outside my bedroom too. I'm making progress with my school work now that I'm finally done with my English class that I was having trouble with. But at the same time, I'm really struggling. I'm struggling to stay alive and I'm struggling to fight my self-harm part. It just kind of feels like I'm going through the motions; spending a majority of my strength and energy trying to stay alive. My point is, just because someone is functioning, doesn't mean they're not struggling. Just because they're able to go through the motions and maybe seem okay, doesn't mean they're not fighting an awful battle inside.
There are some things that we've discovered in therapy that really contribute to this struggle with control. The first one is an accident I witnessed when I was in 2nd grade. On the way home from school one day, the bus was stopped at the top of a hill to let a girl off, as she was crossing the street, a tractor trailer came flying up the road, and not seeing the bus, or the girl, hit her. Amazingly, she survived. But as a result, we were held up in the bus for awhile, and eventually we were transferred to a different bus that took a different route to get everyone home (since the usual route was now blocked by the accident) and the 8ish-year-old Rose freaked about getting home and the sudden change in what was happening. It seems that that was a big factor in some of my issues with control. Another big factor was being unable to control outbursts from people around me growing up. As I got older, when those events occurred around me that I couldn't control, I would lock myself in my bedroom and hurt myself because I felt like it was the only thing I could control.
Now, when things feel particularly out of control, that self-harm part becomes incredibly active (more so than usual), because I know that it will make me feel better, and I know it will let me feel in control. I can't control friends who are moving. I can't control if the electricity goes out and I don't sleep well. I can't control if things are crazy at the hotel. I can't control almost car accidents caused by other people. I can't control my panic attacks. I can't control the fact that my support system feels shot because of people being gone/leaving/busy/unavailable or having a hard time of their own. I can't control the issues we were having with our apartment office and the chaos of people moving in/out. I can't exactly control what's going on in my head, the best I can do is try to fight/manage it. Suicidal thoughts have been strong lately and it's been really hard. Some nights I lay in bed sobbing because I'm tired of hanging on; I feel like I have no strength left and I just want to let go because it seems so much easier, liberating, and relieving.
Right now, I'm functioning much better than I ever have before. I'm spending a majority of my time, not just out of bed, but outside my bedroom too. I'm making progress with my school work now that I'm finally done with my English class that I was having trouble with. But at the same time, I'm really struggling. I'm struggling to stay alive and I'm struggling to fight my self-harm part. It just kind of feels like I'm going through the motions; spending a majority of my strength and energy trying to stay alive. My point is, just because someone is functioning, doesn't mean they're not struggling. Just because they're able to go through the motions and maybe seem okay, doesn't mean they're not fighting an awful battle inside.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Self-Compassion and Taking Care of Myself
Wow, there has been a lot of stuff going on lately.
Let's start with work. A little over a month ago, I put in for an Administrative Assistant position within the company I already work for. I wasn't expecting anything, but I ended up getting an interview and then got the job! Because of hours, I'm still working 1 night a week at the hotel, but otherwise, I am working a couple days a week in our corporate office, and I love it. Seriously, the people are great, I love the work I'm doing, and it's much less stressful. Best of all, it's daytime hours! Now my body is trying to get used to being awake/working all day and be on a different sleep schedule than I used to be. Even when I was awake during the day before, it usually consisted of naps during the day to get adequate rest for shifts at the hotel. So my body has no idea what is going on. Not to mention, as my therapist has pointed out, my mind isn't really used to positive changes, so it's kind of freaking out because it has no idea what to do. It's weird. But I do really like the new position.
Now, a couple of weeks ago, I attempted to do another 5k. I have tried two of these in the past, and I have yet to complete one 100%. The first one I did, I struggled physically and there was a part of the course in the middle that I didn't complete (I did maybe half of it, I think?) The one I did a few months ago, I started having some panic attacks within the first 1/2 mile and had to turn back. This has been beyond frustrating to me. I've been trying to get into a workout routine of some sort, but I continually fail to do so. I try to make it a part of my schedule, I always make plans for when I want to go, or I plan to do something with a friend; but time after time, my motivation and energy are depleted and I fail. I have the DESIRE, but fighting the depression and anxiety completely gets in the way (of course, exercise is something that could help fight it, if I could get over it enough to make it happen.) I signed up for this 5k to try to kick start some motivation with having a goal to work towards (which is why I signed up for the other ones too.) It usually works for a brief period of time, but eventually it fades. This 5k resulted in kind of the same way, but how I felt about it was a lot different. After the past 5k's, I really hated myself and beat myself up, and while I did that a little this time, it wasn't as bad. I was able to have some self-compassion. I did about half of it, which was good. There were some hills that I managed better than I have before and honestly, physically, I wasn't having a too hard of a time. But then the panic attacks. UGH I wish I'd be able to do something without this dumb crap getting in my way. Also, I "put myself out there" and invited friends to join me. One friend in particular has been to each of them, because he was the only one I was comfortable around didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. This time, I threw it out there and invited anyone who wanted to come. I loved having the extra support and encouragement there.
Anyways, there's a point to all this. A few days after the 5k, I was looking at some other 5k's happening in the fall, with the idea that maybe, just maybe, one of these will be my kick start. But I was getting frustrated. I'm really trying to do things to take care of myself and do everything I can to fight/manage my depression/anxiety. I thought back to a few years ago when I was actually successful for a little while with working out. At the time, I was working with a trainer at the YMCA. It was someone who just working with me in some of his free time during the week. It started out because I emailed him to find out how much training sessions cost, though I was certain I wouldn't be able to afford it. He ended up helping me out without charging me because he genuinely cared and wanted to help. So this week I took a leap and I emailed him again. I basically explained all this and asked him what the possibility/cost would be to work with him (I certainly don't expect him to do it for free again, but I'm really hoping it's not going to cost to much, cause my budget is still kind of tight.) He responded and said he'd be happy to work with me again. We're going to meet tomorrow afternoon to talk and kind of go over things, we'll see if things work out. It's going to suck driving across town to go to the Y, but if it's what it takes, then it is worth it. Maybe this will be the break through I need. I'm just trying to do everything I can do to take care of myself and to try to fight this mental illness.
Along with all of this, I'm slowly starting to have some self-compassion and being nicer to myself, something that is completely new to me. It's something we've been working on in therapy and my therapist gave me a book to read to help as well. I started keeping a "self-compassion" journal. When I'm struggling, I acknowledge it and tell myself that it's okay to have a hard time, instead of beating myself up about it. I remind myself to be patient, kind, and gentle. I find little things I like about myself. I also my folder filled with notes/letters/cards etc from friends that make me feel good, and I remind myself that there are people who love me. I've talked about my stuffed animals before, and while I know it seems silly, those stuffed animals really mean a lot to me. They're from people who care about me, and when I'm lonely and having a rough night, being able to lay in bed and hug them, helps give me just enough comfort to get through the night and make it just a little while longer. This weekend, I got a new addition to my stuffed animals from some awesome friends of mine, and I love it! :-)
Self-compassion isn't easy, this is completely new to me; but it's what I need. Not just me, but the little girl inside of me, she needs it too. (I've been trying to stand up for myself a little bit more, and just be a bit more vocal about things, but that's a struggle as well.) We've been working with that little girl a lot in therapy lately, because she is still terrified and doesn't feel safe or trust anyone (including me.) I wrote a post about her a few months ago (You can check it out here!!!). In my session this week, we tried going back to the EMDR to try to attack some of my memories more directly because I'm still having some strong emotional reactions to them. For example, I have some strong reactions to things like fireworks, loud music, etc. It's not the fireworks or music itself that I react to, but my mind/the little girl, reacts to where they think we are and what they think is about to happen because of events/things that happened in my past and that little girl becomes terrified and I end up curled up in a ball in my bed. So in my session this week, we tried to attack those memories more directly, but some of my "parts" got in the way, especially the self-harm part, so we ended up switching over to that and working with the self-harm part and the little girl (since that part works so hard to try to protect her.)
In my head, this is the little girl that I see:
(credit given to @ErinLea7)
Let's start with work. A little over a month ago, I put in for an Administrative Assistant position within the company I already work for. I wasn't expecting anything, but I ended up getting an interview and then got the job! Because of hours, I'm still working 1 night a week at the hotel, but otherwise, I am working a couple days a week in our corporate office, and I love it. Seriously, the people are great, I love the work I'm doing, and it's much less stressful. Best of all, it's daytime hours! Now my body is trying to get used to being awake/working all day and be on a different sleep schedule than I used to be. Even when I was awake during the day before, it usually consisted of naps during the day to get adequate rest for shifts at the hotel. So my body has no idea what is going on. Not to mention, as my therapist has pointed out, my mind isn't really used to positive changes, so it's kind of freaking out because it has no idea what to do. It's weird. But I do really like the new position.
Now, a couple of weeks ago, I attempted to do another 5k. I have tried two of these in the past, and I have yet to complete one 100%. The first one I did, I struggled physically and there was a part of the course in the middle that I didn't complete (I did maybe half of it, I think?) The one I did a few months ago, I started having some panic attacks within the first 1/2 mile and had to turn back. This has been beyond frustrating to me. I've been trying to get into a workout routine of some sort, but I continually fail to do so. I try to make it a part of my schedule, I always make plans for when I want to go, or I plan to do something with a friend; but time after time, my motivation and energy are depleted and I fail. I have the DESIRE, but fighting the depression and anxiety completely gets in the way (of course, exercise is something that could help fight it, if I could get over it enough to make it happen.) I signed up for this 5k to try to kick start some motivation with having a goal to work towards (which is why I signed up for the other ones too.) It usually works for a brief period of time, but eventually it fades. This 5k resulted in kind of the same way, but how I felt about it was a lot different. After the past 5k's, I really hated myself and beat myself up, and while I did that a little this time, it wasn't as bad. I was able to have some self-compassion. I did about half of it, which was good. There were some hills that I managed better than I have before and honestly, physically, I wasn't having a too hard of a time. But then the panic attacks. UGH I wish I'd be able to do something without this dumb crap getting in my way. Also, I "put myself out there" and invited friends to join me. One friend in particular has been to each of them, because he was the only one I was comfortable around didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. This time, I threw it out there and invited anyone who wanted to come. I loved having the extra support and encouragement there.
Anyways, there's a point to all this. A few days after the 5k, I was looking at some other 5k's happening in the fall, with the idea that maybe, just maybe, one of these will be my kick start. But I was getting frustrated. I'm really trying to do things to take care of myself and do everything I can to fight/manage my depression/anxiety. I thought back to a few years ago when I was actually successful for a little while with working out. At the time, I was working with a trainer at the YMCA. It was someone who just working with me in some of his free time during the week. It started out because I emailed him to find out how much training sessions cost, though I was certain I wouldn't be able to afford it. He ended up helping me out without charging me because he genuinely cared and wanted to help. So this week I took a leap and I emailed him again. I basically explained all this and asked him what the possibility/cost would be to work with him (I certainly don't expect him to do it for free again, but I'm really hoping it's not going to cost to much, cause my budget is still kind of tight.) He responded and said he'd be happy to work with me again. We're going to meet tomorrow afternoon to talk and kind of go over things, we'll see if things work out. It's going to suck driving across town to go to the Y, but if it's what it takes, then it is worth it. Maybe this will be the break through I need. I'm just trying to do everything I can do to take care of myself and to try to fight this mental illness.
Along with all of this, I'm slowly starting to have some self-compassion and being nicer to myself, something that is completely new to me. It's something we've been working on in therapy and my therapist gave me a book to read to help as well. I started keeping a "self-compassion" journal. When I'm struggling, I acknowledge it and tell myself that it's okay to have a hard time, instead of beating myself up about it. I remind myself to be patient, kind, and gentle. I find little things I like about myself. I also my folder filled with notes/letters/cards etc from friends that make me feel good, and I remind myself that there are people who love me. I've talked about my stuffed animals before, and while I know it seems silly, those stuffed animals really mean a lot to me. They're from people who care about me, and when I'm lonely and having a rough night, being able to lay in bed and hug them, helps give me just enough comfort to get through the night and make it just a little while longer. This weekend, I got a new addition to my stuffed animals from some awesome friends of mine, and I love it! :-)
Self-compassion isn't easy, this is completely new to me; but it's what I need. Not just me, but the little girl inside of me, she needs it too. (I've been trying to stand up for myself a little bit more, and just be a bit more vocal about things, but that's a struggle as well.) We've been working with that little girl a lot in therapy lately, because she is still terrified and doesn't feel safe or trust anyone (including me.) I wrote a post about her a few months ago (You can check it out here!!!). In my session this week, we tried going back to the EMDR to try to attack some of my memories more directly because I'm still having some strong emotional reactions to them. For example, I have some strong reactions to things like fireworks, loud music, etc. It's not the fireworks or music itself that I react to, but my mind/the little girl, reacts to where they think we are and what they think is about to happen because of events/things that happened in my past and that little girl becomes terrified and I end up curled up in a ball in my bed. So in my session this week, we tried to attack those memories more directly, but some of my "parts" got in the way, especially the self-harm part, so we ended up switching over to that and working with the self-harm part and the little girl (since that part works so hard to try to protect her.)
In my head, this is the little girl that I see:
So there have been some ups and there have been some downs. Overall, I've certainly made some progress and I'm certainly doing more to take care of myself and better manage and fight my depression. There was a post on the facebook page of "Mental Health America" on Sunday (follow them here) that I thought was very fitting to how I feel:
(credit given to @ErinLea7)Friday, June 3, 2016
6 months
There is a website called PostSecret that some of you may know about. People create their secrets on post cards and mail them to this guy in Maryland. He's compiled several books from them, and he puts new ones up every week on his site: www.postsecret.com Sometimes, I can't relate to any of the secrets, and other times, it's like I had sent it in myself. Here is one of the ones that was posted this week, and if I hadn't known any better, I would have thought I had sent it myself.
Monday marked 6 months since I last hurt myself. That's a pretty good milestone, considering it's been a long time since I've been able to make it longer than a couple of days or weeks. My last act was around the time I started with my new therapist. I wish I could say it was getting easier. But every single day I have to keep fighting it. It comes up every time I'm stressed, upset, frustrated, depressed, hurt, alone, etc. My therapist calls it one of my "fire fighters." My self-harm part and suicidal part work extra hard to try to protect me and the "little girl" that's still struggling inside. Whenever I'm in session, my therapist always reminds me that even though most people, and even the mental health world, give self-harm a bum rap, that it was my method of survival. She says that in that room (my therapist's office), that part can feel safe and know that it's not going to shoved aside or shamed. I'm really grateful I have a therapist who understands this, because it's not something that is easy to understand, even for a professional. But to have a therapist who understands that it's a survival method, and who won't shame me or make me feel bad when I slip up, but instead remind me I'm still here and facing all these parts is really hard and helps me see that I found strength to keep fighting. Obviously she doesn't condone it, but she understands it. Our church also has an Addiction Recovery Program and I used to attend meetings some time ago, but eventually stopped. The past couple of months I started going again and I'm really grateful. The added understanding and support makes a big difference.
There have been some difficult nights recently. I've had to fight a lot of suicidal thoughts in the dark of night by myself. It hasn't been easy. A lot of nights, lying in bed sobbing and pleading with Heavenly Father. Often, when the topic of suicide comes up, people make comments about it being selfish and passing on the pain to others, and other such things. Let me explain something, in the deepest darkest pits, fighting the "demons" of depression and all those parts working overtime; you genuinely feel like you're a burden to everyone around you. That your friends would be better off if you weren't here, or that no one would even notice you were gone. We're not trying to cause pain to other people, if anything, we believe our being alive is what is causing pain. Facing suicidal thoughts is a dark and scary place. And it didn't help that my therapy appointment got canceled this week cause my therapist had car trouble. Sometimes I don't realize just how much they help until I go a week without it. I'm really grateful for this therapist and how much she's been helping. I still have a lot of progress to make, and there's certain things I will probably always struggle with, but I'm in a much better place mentally than I was several months ago. On the nights when I'm lying in bed sobbing, my stuffed animals give me some comfort to help get me through the night. <3
That's really it. There's not much to report on right now. I have my okay days and I have my really rough days. Considering that several months ago I was almost never having any okay days, it's progress, and I'm grateful for it. I'm also very grateful for the friends in my life. All the support, encouragement and love they give me helps me get through every day. And even though I can't always feel the Spirit in my life, the tender mercies in my life are a witness to me that my Savior hasn't forgotten about me.
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