How do I describe how I've been feeling lately? I feel like I've been in some intense, deep, dark "funk", so to speak. I'm not sure what else to call it. Compared to just the recent depression (meaning just the kind of overall affect it has on me after considering all the progress I've made in therapy), and compared to the other bouts/episodes of depression that when I sink lower than that general affect, this is much much worse. But at the same time, I have felt this awful before, so it's not worse than something I've felt in the past. Does any of this make sense?
It's been this way for a little over a week now. It seemed to start Thursday or so last week. As far as I can tell, nothing externally has triggered it. Most of the time, all I can think about it how much I want to hurt myself or end my life. I've been trying not to shut down, and I've still been trying to be around people and reach out to people, but you know...life happens. People are busy. I understand; this is why there is more than one person in my "support network". But that's not all that's happening. In addition to people being busy, I'm struggling to reach out in the first place, and even when I do, I tend to make light of what I'm feeling because I'm kind of afraid to let people know the truly dark things that have been going through my mind recently. So what happens then is that I feel alone. Like a gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling of being alone, and it kind of makes everything I'm feeling even worse.
Then therapy was canceled this week because roads were icy Wednesday morning and my therapist couldn't make it over the mountain. What a sucky week for that to happen.
I'm also back on overnights once a week, which is frustrating. It's not the managers' fault, they tried to get me off Night Audit, but one of the auditors quit. So last Friday was the first one I was scheduled off, and she quit on Saturday. UGH. I'm not mad AT my managers, but it's hard not to feel angry and frustrated about it.
These self-harm and suicidal parts have been so active, so loud, so relentless. They're beating and wearing me down. I don't have much energy. I'm hurting. I'm in pain. I'm so angry and discouraged and I feel completely hopeless. I recently got over a sinus infection, and as I was getting better (before this "funk" started), I stocked up on cold and sinus medicine cause I often get sick when I don't have a lot of extra cash to get medicine. I had a bunch of coupons so I stocked up on cough, cold, and sinus medicines and such. Now I'm seeing that probably wasn't the smartest idea. I should probably be smart/safe about it and have someone hold on to it. But, at the same time, it kind of makes me feel better to know it's nearby.
Every single fiber of my being is fighting against me. Everything in my head is screaming at me to give up. Convincing me that nobody would notice, or care, if I weren't here. Convincing me that people would be so much better off without having the burden of my presence in their life. And for the past week, it's all I've been able to think about. I'm angry, frustrated, discouraged and I feel like there's no other way out of all of this. It feels unbearable. I don't have any energy to keep "holding on", trying to stay alive completely drains everything I have. I haven't been able to do a whole lot lately, and even when I do, I only have enough energy to go through the motions. I'm desperate for relief and there doesn't seem to be any other way to get it.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
1 year and lots of anger
I have been feeling so frustrated and angry lately, not to mention discouraged.
I'm angry that I've been working so freakin hard to overcome so much but that depression/dark part is still so strong, so present, so heavy and so disruptive. I have made so much progress in therapy over the past year. There is so much that is different, but yet this darkness is still there. We've established in therapy that this is the depression itself and at this point, there isn't really anything that my "parts therapy" is going to help, so now it's up to medicine. But that's been pretty frustrating too, I'm not real pleased with my new psychiatrist. So a little background information, I've tried a number of anti-depressants with no real long-term results. About half of those were when I was a teenager, which I make sure I mention to new doctors because I know anti-depressants can have a different effect on teenagers and young adults, than it does when you're a little older. So when I started with her, I was on a medicine called Effexor. Dr. K talked about how hard it is to come off of that medicine because of the withdrawals and that she wanted to avoid doing that. She saw my history and noted a have had a binge eating disorder and she immediately prescribed "Vyvanse." She said it was supposed to help the binge eating, even though I was very specific and clarified that the binge eating wasn't really an issue anymore. It still happens occasionally, but not enough to be classified as a B.E.D. right now. But she said it was a stimulant and it would help with my depression too. I was able to get a free one month supply, but my insurance wouldn't pay for it, so I was only on it for a month. My last appointment earlier this week, she decided before she tried adding another medicine again, she was just going to up the dosage of my current medicine. So now I'm at the highest dosage of a medicine that is apparently really hard to come off of. I'm not thrilled at the moment. Honestly, if I had realized how hard it would be to come off when my regular doctor first prescribed it, I might have said no. My therapist has actually mentioned that she probably wouldn't want me coming off of it unless I was in the hospital or something where I can be in a safe, monitored environment, especially with how much I've been struggling with my self-harm and suicidal parts.
Speaking of self-harm, Tuesday marked 1 year since I last hurt myself. I know this is supposed to be an accomplishment, but it hasn't really felt like it. It's still a daily struggle to fight against that part, and it still feels like any day that 1 year mark could go away. It hasn't gotten any easier and it's just so discouraging. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. My therapist said I should celebrate, but I don't really feel like it.
A few posts ago, I mentioned something about starting some neurofeedback. It's officially going to be starting in the next week or two. It's not something insurance pays for, and it can be expensive, but Karen (therapist) said that for someone like me who has been really committed to treatment and recovery, they're going to do it free of cost. I'll actually be one of the first one's at that office to do it. It's supposed to help re-wire my brain and shift it's responses and stuff. I'll wear sensors on my head and I'll probably be going twice a week. I really hope it does something. I'm desperate for some relief.
Lastly, on just a random note; I've started writing some poems recently. I tried writing poems when I was in high school, but I always felt like they weren't that great. But recently, a friend got me interested in giving it a try again. It's also a way to try to express myself in a different way, because lately I've been feeling really like everything I say has become repetitive and meaningless. I've posted a couple of the poems on Facebook, all but one, but I don't know if I'll end up posting them all on facebook or not.
I'm angry that I've been working so freakin hard to overcome so much but that depression/dark part is still so strong, so present, so heavy and so disruptive. I have made so much progress in therapy over the past year. There is so much that is different, but yet this darkness is still there. We've established in therapy that this is the depression itself and at this point, there isn't really anything that my "parts therapy" is going to help, so now it's up to medicine. But that's been pretty frustrating too, I'm not real pleased with my new psychiatrist. So a little background information, I've tried a number of anti-depressants with no real long-term results. About half of those were when I was a teenager, which I make sure I mention to new doctors because I know anti-depressants can have a different effect on teenagers and young adults, than it does when you're a little older. So when I started with her, I was on a medicine called Effexor. Dr. K talked about how hard it is to come off of that medicine because of the withdrawals and that she wanted to avoid doing that. She saw my history and noted a have had a binge eating disorder and she immediately prescribed "Vyvanse." She said it was supposed to help the binge eating, even though I was very specific and clarified that the binge eating wasn't really an issue anymore. It still happens occasionally, but not enough to be classified as a B.E.D. right now. But she said it was a stimulant and it would help with my depression too. I was able to get a free one month supply, but my insurance wouldn't pay for it, so I was only on it for a month. My last appointment earlier this week, she decided before she tried adding another medicine again, she was just going to up the dosage of my current medicine. So now I'm at the highest dosage of a medicine that is apparently really hard to come off of. I'm not thrilled at the moment. Honestly, if I had realized how hard it would be to come off when my regular doctor first prescribed it, I might have said no. My therapist has actually mentioned that she probably wouldn't want me coming off of it unless I was in the hospital or something where I can be in a safe, monitored environment, especially with how much I've been struggling with my self-harm and suicidal parts.
Speaking of self-harm, Tuesday marked 1 year since I last hurt myself. I know this is supposed to be an accomplishment, but it hasn't really felt like it. It's still a daily struggle to fight against that part, and it still feels like any day that 1 year mark could go away. It hasn't gotten any easier and it's just so discouraging. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. My therapist said I should celebrate, but I don't really feel like it.
A few posts ago, I mentioned something about starting some neurofeedback. It's officially going to be starting in the next week or two. It's not something insurance pays for, and it can be expensive, but Karen (therapist) said that for someone like me who has been really committed to treatment and recovery, they're going to do it free of cost. I'll actually be one of the first one's at that office to do it. It's supposed to help re-wire my brain and shift it's responses and stuff. I'll wear sensors on my head and I'll probably be going twice a week. I really hope it does something. I'm desperate for some relief.
Lastly, on just a random note; I've started writing some poems recently. I tried writing poems when I was in high school, but I always felt like they weren't that great. But recently, a friend got me interested in giving it a try again. It's also a way to try to express myself in a different way, because lately I've been feeling really like everything I say has become repetitive and meaningless. I've posted a couple of the poems on Facebook, all but one, but I don't know if I'll end up posting them all on facebook or not.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
How are you?
I've been wanting to write a blog post for a week or two now. But what to say? I feel like lately, everything I say is repetitive, and meaningless. There was an article recently talking about the struggle of lying/telling the truth when someone asks you how you are?
This is almost exactly how I've been feeling lately. When someone asks me how I am, how do I answer? Is it a brief, passing, polite "how are you"? In which case, I definitely don't tell the truth. Are they being sincere, but is it someone I'm comfortable with? What if it's someone I've already opened to a lot, someone I reach out to a lot? Do they really want to hear it again? Am I burden? If I tell them the truth, which is the same response it's been for months, will they even believe me anymore? Or have my words become completely and ridiculously repetitive and meaningless.
Then move on to the next part I quoted. There used to be a time where I worked really hard to try to hide everything going on. I didn't trust people, I didn't open up. Maybe I wasn't perfect at hiding it all, but it was something. But now? Now I actively try to be vocal about it and try to be an "advocate" (so to speak) against the stigma of mental health. But it really is like opening a Pandora's box. Sometimes I wish I could back to hiding.
There have been a lot of things I've been feeling recently. I still have to continually deal with these suicidal and self-harm parts. Every fiber of my being is telling me to give in to them. It would be easier. I'd feel relief. I'd feel in control.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having to fight again those parts. I'm tired of dealing with the depression, anxiety, and OCD. It beats me down and it wears on me. I'm just freakin tired. I'm angry. I'm discouraged. I work so hard and I do my best to try to manage, fight, and beat this crap. I'm doing all this stuff and it's like it's not even doing anything! Still have difficulties with my medication and that causes it's own set of problems.
I just can't do it anymore. I don't have the strength, I don't have the energy, I don't have the motivation.
"When someone, who I care about and who cares about me, asks how I am doing, it is even more complicated. What runs through my mind is: Right now, do they really want the truth? Do they have the time or the energy for it? Do I? Can they handle the truth? Do they think at this point I am being dramatic with them because they see me interacting with other people as if I don’t have a care in the world? Am I becoming (or have I been) a burden with my prolonged need for support to this person?I’m so tired of hearing myself talk about the crap going on in my head. I bet they are too.
. . .
"This lie makes me much more pleasant to be around. Conversation doesn’t need to focus on my issues. I am the only one overtly affected by my depression. It just seems simpler. Not so healthy, but definitely easier on everyone except me.
There are many times I wish I could go back to my old standard response. Yet, alas, I have opened Pandora’s box. Being authentic after years of creating a multi-layered mask is like navigating my way through treacherous waters in a row boat. I am constantly being tossed around in the waves, and I feel like I am going to be thrown out at any second."
This is almost exactly how I've been feeling lately. When someone asks me how I am, how do I answer? Is it a brief, passing, polite "how are you"? In which case, I definitely don't tell the truth. Are they being sincere, but is it someone I'm comfortable with? What if it's someone I've already opened to a lot, someone I reach out to a lot? Do they really want to hear it again? Am I burden? If I tell them the truth, which is the same response it's been for months, will they even believe me anymore? Or have my words become completely and ridiculously repetitive and meaningless.
Then move on to the next part I quoted. There used to be a time where I worked really hard to try to hide everything going on. I didn't trust people, I didn't open up. Maybe I wasn't perfect at hiding it all, but it was something. But now? Now I actively try to be vocal about it and try to be an "advocate" (so to speak) against the stigma of mental health. But it really is like opening a Pandora's box. Sometimes I wish I could back to hiding.
There have been a lot of things I've been feeling recently. I still have to continually deal with these suicidal and self-harm parts. Every fiber of my being is telling me to give in to them. It would be easier. I'd feel relief. I'd feel in control.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having to fight again those parts. I'm tired of dealing with the depression, anxiety, and OCD. It beats me down and it wears on me. I'm just freakin tired. I'm angry. I'm discouraged. I work so hard and I do my best to try to manage, fight, and beat this crap. I'm doing all this stuff and it's like it's not even doing anything! Still have difficulties with my medication and that causes it's own set of problems.
I just can't do it anymore. I don't have the strength, I don't have the energy, I don't have the motivation.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Therapy Shake Up
Well, therapy was interesting this week.
So for awhile now, we've been trying to work with this "dark part" that's been present. This part is what the suicidal and self-harm part try to protect me from. This is also a part that I've never been able to visualize separate from myself like I do the other parts, and when we try to "work with it" in therapy, I never seem to get anything from it. It's a heavy, overwhelming darkness that feels like it has seeped into my entire being. Sometimes it's not quite as dark as other times, but right now, it's really bad. I've made a lot of progress in therapy, and there are definitely a lot of things that are different than they were a year ago. I've been trying to do everything I can and everything I'm supposed to be to the best of my ability. This has included church stuff, going to work, doing school, getting out of bed and out of my bedroom/apartment, reaching out to others and being social when I can, doing things like yoga and some other exercise when I can, therapy and medicine etc etc etc. Despite all of this, that dark part won't go away. Finally, Karen (therapist) concluded that this dark part is the depression itself, it's the brain chemistry; and while there's a lot we can do with working with my parts, this is something that parts therapy isn't going to help.
Time for a shake up...
First Karen is going to run an IVA test. She said it's done on the computer and when I hear/see a 1, I click the mouse, and when I hear/see a 2, I DON'T click. Apparently they can tell a bunch of stuff from that. She's going to be in contact with Dr. K (psychiatrist) to talk about my medicine. Dr. K was avoiding taking me off my current medicine because of the withdrawal symptoms, but depending on what this test shows, she may end up having to change it. Then, she wants to start doing neurofeedback. She said they attach sensors to my head and they will teach/train my brain to respond to certain things? She didn't go into much detail about it, since it was the end of the session. I've been trying to do a little research. From what I've been able to read, (and someone can correct me if I'm wrong), the idea is that the neurofeedback trains patients to have better handle/control of their emotions. This abstract here has some more information (I haven't gotten through all of it) http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0038115
Karen said it'll be done right there at the office, so I asked if it was "charged" to the insurance the same way as a therapy session. She said it's actually something insurance doesn't pay for at all and they offer it as an "add-on" service (it's still fairly new for them to offer) but they're working on a plan for patients who have been working hard and haven't been responding to other things (such as medicine and therapy) and this is really the next course of action, they're planning on offering it free of charge. So she said it wasn't going to cost me anything, which is a huge blessing, because I imagine it's not cheap.
In the meantime, I've grown more desperate and more discouraged. I'm trying to keep my ahead above water, but I'm really struggling. I'm really grateful for all the friends I have around me supporting and encouraging me. They're definitely helping me to stay afloat. Thank you.
So for awhile now, we've been trying to work with this "dark part" that's been present. This part is what the suicidal and self-harm part try to protect me from. This is also a part that I've never been able to visualize separate from myself like I do the other parts, and when we try to "work with it" in therapy, I never seem to get anything from it. It's a heavy, overwhelming darkness that feels like it has seeped into my entire being. Sometimes it's not quite as dark as other times, but right now, it's really bad. I've made a lot of progress in therapy, and there are definitely a lot of things that are different than they were a year ago. I've been trying to do everything I can and everything I'm supposed to be to the best of my ability. This has included church stuff, going to work, doing school, getting out of bed and out of my bedroom/apartment, reaching out to others and being social when I can, doing things like yoga and some other exercise when I can, therapy and medicine etc etc etc. Despite all of this, that dark part won't go away. Finally, Karen (therapist) concluded that this dark part is the depression itself, it's the brain chemistry; and while there's a lot we can do with working with my parts, this is something that parts therapy isn't going to help.
Time for a shake up...
First Karen is going to run an IVA test. She said it's done on the computer and when I hear/see a 1, I click the mouse, and when I hear/see a 2, I DON'T click. Apparently they can tell a bunch of stuff from that. She's going to be in contact with Dr. K (psychiatrist) to talk about my medicine. Dr. K was avoiding taking me off my current medicine because of the withdrawal symptoms, but depending on what this test shows, she may end up having to change it. Then, she wants to start doing neurofeedback. She said they attach sensors to my head and they will teach/train my brain to respond to certain things? She didn't go into much detail about it, since it was the end of the session. I've been trying to do a little research. From what I've been able to read, (and someone can correct me if I'm wrong), the idea is that the neurofeedback trains patients to have better handle/control of their emotions. This abstract here has some more information (I haven't gotten through all of it) http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0038115
Karen said it'll be done right there at the office, so I asked if it was "charged" to the insurance the same way as a therapy session. She said it's actually something insurance doesn't pay for at all and they offer it as an "add-on" service (it's still fairly new for them to offer) but they're working on a plan for patients who have been working hard and haven't been responding to other things (such as medicine and therapy) and this is really the next course of action, they're planning on offering it free of charge. So she said it wasn't going to cost me anything, which is a huge blessing, because I imagine it's not cheap.
In the meantime, I've grown more desperate and more discouraged. I'm trying to keep my ahead above water, but I'm really struggling. I'm really grateful for all the friends I have around me supporting and encouraging me. They're definitely helping me to stay afloat. Thank you.
Monday, October 3, 2016
New Medicine and Treatment Resistant Depression
So, I saw the new psychiatrist on Friday. First a nurse called me back to do weight/blood pressure and other stuff. Then she did a suicide risk assessment again. Well, I learned my lesson the last time. I was honest, but I wasn't as honest as I was the first time; there was no way in the world I was dealing with all that again.
So after that, I met with Dr. K. She was nice enough I guess, but she wasn't very personable. Anyways, here's the deal. The medicine I'm currently on (Effexor) is apparently really hard to come off of because there are a lot of withdrawal symptoms; so even if I do some off of it, it'll take awhile because I'm at a higher dosage and you have to come off of it slowly. We also talked about some of the other medicines I've tried before, and she said based on those, she's not sure what she would prescribe because I've tried anti-depressants from different categories. (I made sure to mention that at least a couple of those medicines were taken when I was younger (teenage years) so I'm not sure if my body would respond the same way to them now. I know anti-depressants have different effects in teenagers than they do in adults, so I figured she would want to know in case she wanted to retry one of them.) So she decided to add a prescription for now: Vyvanse. So Vyvanse is supposed to treat ADHD, but it is also supposed to help treat BED (Binge Eating Disorder). It's supposed to help decrease the number of binge days. I've also been having a really hard time focusing lately (and getting very little school work done), so it should help with that too. It's a stimulant and thought to work by restoring the balance of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, which means it should help some with the depression as well. We'll see what happens. We'll also see about insurance. When I got the prescription filled, the pharmacy said my insurance required prior authorization for this medicine, so they were gonna fax the doctor. But I also had a card from the information packet my doctor gave me for a free 30 supply and then another card for a 30-day supply for $15 for 12 months. So I gave them that too. I was also getting my other medicines filled, so I was waiting about half an hour and when I paid, this particular medicine didn't cost me anything, but they also gave me back the card for the free month supply. So I'm not really sure if they got the authorization that fast, or if they just used the card. But I looked at the packet from the pharmacy and it's originally almost $330!!!! Wow.
Anyways, this visit with Dr.K has me a little concerned. There's a thing known as TRD- Treatment Resistant Depression. What is exactly defined as TRD is up for a debate a little bit, but it's basically defined as a case of depression that doesn't respond to anywhere from two to at least four different antidepressants from different classes. (http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/treatment-resistant-depression-what-is-treatment-resistant-depression#1) Basically, it's not easily treated. It takes a lot longer to find a good combination of treatments (between medicine, therapy and lifestyle changes) and it's even possible that no combination will fully treat it. That's what worries me. I've made a lot of progress in therapy. There have been a lot of things that are different from a year ago, but those dark, self-harm, and suicidal parts are still so active and present. These are the parts that have become unbearable for me. What if there isn't a way to fully get relief from them? :-/
Something else we're going to try to add to my treatment is an emotional support animal (a cat) but because my apartment complex has a very strict no-pet policy (not even the option to pay for a deposit), it's going to be more difficult because I have to get a letter from my therapist (and maybe even my psychiatrist if I want to have more to provide the apartment office with) and possibly have to fight the complex about it. Also, I'm not sure yet if I'd be able to afford to have a cat (though I think I can make it work), or if all my roommates would be okay it, even if it's in my room most of the time. There are also some neurostimulation treatments that have become available and a little bit more common. Something like that would take a LOT of research and consideration and a lot of talk with my doctors and therapist.
Things are just really frustrating and I'm getting really discouraged. I hope the added medicine will have some affect.
EDIT: So I know that legally the apartment will have to let me have an emotional support animal, but I suspect they will still try to fight it initially, especially because most people/places aren't familiar with the laws around an ESA. Thankfully, my current therapist is pretty familiar with it. My old therapist didn't really have any information and was hesitant to write a letter because then it goes into writing that I'm "disabled" (which technically, I am) and she didn't know who all would have access to the letter, even though I signed a release that she could give information. She did write a letter, but it didn't really have the information in it that I needed it to to be able to take to the office.
So after that, I met with Dr. K. She was nice enough I guess, but she wasn't very personable. Anyways, here's the deal. The medicine I'm currently on (Effexor) is apparently really hard to come off of because there are a lot of withdrawal symptoms; so even if I do some off of it, it'll take awhile because I'm at a higher dosage and you have to come off of it slowly. We also talked about some of the other medicines I've tried before, and she said based on those, she's not sure what she would prescribe because I've tried anti-depressants from different categories. (I made sure to mention that at least a couple of those medicines were taken when I was younger (teenage years) so I'm not sure if my body would respond the same way to them now. I know anti-depressants have different effects in teenagers than they do in adults, so I figured she would want to know in case she wanted to retry one of them.) So she decided to add a prescription for now: Vyvanse. So Vyvanse is supposed to treat ADHD, but it is also supposed to help treat BED (Binge Eating Disorder). It's supposed to help decrease the number of binge days. I've also been having a really hard time focusing lately (and getting very little school work done), so it should help with that too. It's a stimulant and thought to work by restoring the balance of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, which means it should help some with the depression as well. We'll see what happens. We'll also see about insurance. When I got the prescription filled, the pharmacy said my insurance required prior authorization for this medicine, so they were gonna fax the doctor. But I also had a card from the information packet my doctor gave me for a free 30 supply and then another card for a 30-day supply for $15 for 12 months. So I gave them that too. I was also getting my other medicines filled, so I was waiting about half an hour and when I paid, this particular medicine didn't cost me anything, but they also gave me back the card for the free month supply. So I'm not really sure if they got the authorization that fast, or if they just used the card. But I looked at the packet from the pharmacy and it's originally almost $330!!!! Wow.
Anyways, this visit with Dr.K has me a little concerned. There's a thing known as TRD- Treatment Resistant Depression. What is exactly defined as TRD is up for a debate a little bit, but it's basically defined as a case of depression that doesn't respond to anywhere from two to at least four different antidepressants from different classes. (http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/treatment-resistant-depression-what-is-treatment-resistant-depression#1) Basically, it's not easily treated. It takes a lot longer to find a good combination of treatments (between medicine, therapy and lifestyle changes) and it's even possible that no combination will fully treat it. That's what worries me. I've made a lot of progress in therapy. There have been a lot of things that are different from a year ago, but those dark, self-harm, and suicidal parts are still so active and present. These are the parts that have become unbearable for me. What if there isn't a way to fully get relief from them? :-/
Something else we're going to try to add to my treatment is an emotional support animal (a cat) but because my apartment complex has a very strict no-pet policy (not even the option to pay for a deposit), it's going to be more difficult because I have to get a letter from my therapist (and maybe even my psychiatrist if I want to have more to provide the apartment office with) and possibly have to fight the complex about it. Also, I'm not sure yet if I'd be able to afford to have a cat (though I think I can make it work), or if all my roommates would be okay it, even if it's in my room most of the time. There are also some neurostimulation treatments that have become available and a little bit more common. Something like that would take a LOT of research and consideration and a lot of talk with my doctors and therapist.
Things are just really frustrating and I'm getting really discouraged. I hope the added medicine will have some affect.
EDIT: So I know that legally the apartment will have to let me have an emotional support animal, but I suspect they will still try to fight it initially, especially because most people/places aren't familiar with the laws around an ESA. Thankfully, my current therapist is pretty familiar with it. My old therapist didn't really have any information and was hesitant to write a letter because then it goes into writing that I'm "disabled" (which technically, I am) and she didn't know who all would have access to the letter, even though I signed a release that she could give information. She did write a letter, but it didn't really have the information in it that I needed it to to be able to take to the office.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Tired of fighting
***Trigger Warning***Not sure if it needs it, but this is kind of a heavy post (I feel like it is anyways) and there is talk about suicide and self-harm***
Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting.
I've been making progress in therapy, and I've been taking some positive steps, even my therapist has commented about how proud she is. But despite all that, there is this overwhelming and heavy darkness that is just attached me to me; a part of me. I have yet to be able to visualize this "part" separate from myself. In response to this particular part, my "fire fighter" parts, especially the self-harm and suicidal parts, become very active. Since this dark part never seems to fully leave, it means those fire fighter parts are always active. I know they're trying to protect me, but I still have to somehow actively fight against them. It wears me out. It leaves me exhausted, emotional, and feeling vulnerable. It just seems to much easier to let them all win. I'm tired of holding on and hanging in there. I'm tired of having to spend almost 100% of my energy trying to function, or hell, just trying to stay alive! I've been feeling lonely and angry.
There's a quote by David Foster Wallace that I think I've shared before, but it goes:
Sorry for the post, I just haven't been able to get this stuff out, despite how much I've tried, and I just really needed to get it out. I know that the Savior and Heavenly Father have not abandoned me, but I feel alone. I've been wanting to ask for a blessing, but I always seem to struggle with that, even when I'm comfortable with the person. I feel unworthy and undeserving of help. Or worried that I'll bother someone.
*deep breathes* :-/ :'(
Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting.
I've been making progress in therapy, and I've been taking some positive steps, even my therapist has commented about how proud she is. But despite all that, there is this overwhelming and heavy darkness that is just attached me to me; a part of me. I have yet to be able to visualize this "part" separate from myself. In response to this particular part, my "fire fighter" parts, especially the self-harm and suicidal parts, become very active. Since this dark part never seems to fully leave, it means those fire fighter parts are always active. I know they're trying to protect me, but I still have to somehow actively fight against them. It wears me out. It leaves me exhausted, emotional, and feeling vulnerable. It just seems to much easier to let them all win. I'm tired of holding on and hanging in there. I'm tired of having to spend almost 100% of my energy trying to function, or hell, just trying to stay alive! I've been feeling lonely and angry.
There's a quote by David Foster Wallace that I think I've shared before, but it goes:
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”This is how I feel. This is explains why I have these fire fighter parts. I'm more afraid of the flames than I am of the jump. Those fire fighter parts try to protect me by giving me a way to get away from the flames. But the thing is, I'm not "supposed" to be participating in those either. I'm not "supposed" to end my life and I'm not "supposed" to hurt myself. So not only do I have to try to fight the darkness/flames, but the very thing that is supposed to help, isn't an easily acceptable solution. It's been almost 10 months since I last hurt myself. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it just doesn't feel like it. Why? Because I have to fight against it every single freaking day. I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but hurting myself provides some relief. It makes that darkness a little more tolerable, it makes it a tiny bit easier to fight to get through to the next day, it makes me feel in control. I am sick of fighting against these parts!!! I'm tired from it. I don't have the strength and I don't have the energy to keep doing it right now.
Sorry for the post, I just haven't been able to get this stuff out, despite how much I've tried, and I just really needed to get it out. I know that the Savior and Heavenly Father have not abandoned me, but I feel alone. I've been wanting to ask for a blessing, but I always seem to struggle with that, even when I'm comfortable with the person. I feel unworthy and undeserving of help. Or worried that I'll bother someone.
*deep breathes* :-/ :'(
Saturday, September 3, 2016
A very frustrating experience
I had a very different experience this week, one that has left me feeling a little angry and sour.
So I've been trying to find a psychiatrist because right now my antidepressants are handled by my primary care physician, and I wanted to get to someone specialized. In addition, my therapist (Karen) doesn't think my medicine is working right now because despite the stuff we've been working through and despite the progress I've been making, I'm still struggling a lot with this overwhelming darkness that is attached me to, suicidal thoughts, and the desire to self-harm. So she recommended a place in Bellefonte that she knew took my insurance, so I called. In order to get an appointment with one of their psychiatrists, you have to have an assessment by one of their therapists to get a referral. Oy. So I had my "assessment" on Friday, and boy did it almost end badly.
So when I went in for this assessment, one of the things she had me fill out was a Suicide Risk Assessment. I thought about not answering everything honestly because I knew the score was going to be high, but I want to be able to get the medication I need, so I answered everything honestly. I answered that yes, there has been an attempt in my past. Yes, I often think about I want to give up, yes I have access to pain killers, but no, I don't have any plans right now. I answered that I have struggled with self-harm in the past, but that it's been 9 months since I last did anything. I also made it very clear to her that my therapist is very much aware of everything going on. Well, she added up the score of the assessment and told me how high it was and immediately started talking about how I needed to go into inpatient care.
Wait...what?!?!
I told her that yes, there are times I had thought about going, but right now, I didn't need to. When she asked what I was "afraid of" I explained that 1.) I didn't like not knowing what would happen and not being in control (see my last post) and that 2.) I can't afford to lose shifts at work. I'm not going to lie, part of me is also afraid of all the stigma associated with it (ironic, huh?)
Anyways, I explained again that my therapist knows everything. She knows that the suicidal part and self-harm part are my fire fighters, and while they're often present and active, I don't have any current plans to take my life. I have a safety plan. In the past 5 or 6 years, and even more so over the past year (as I've become more open about everything) I've learned how to be able to tell when I'm not safe, and what steps I need to take to be safe. I know who I can reach out to and that I have a way to contact my therapist between appointments. I still go to work, I'm still working on school, still going to church and still seeing friends etc etc etc. I told this lady ALL of that, but all she saw was the number on the paper, and that's it. When I told her I wasn't willing to go into inpatient care, she started talking about being involuntarily committed. Again....what?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! She tried to call my therapist but she wasn't available, so she sent her an email. Then she asked if there I was a way I could lock up my medicine, so I told her I could give it to my roommate who would keep my accountable. So she asked to call my roommate so she could talk to her. Finally, she agreed to let me go. But by then I was super angry. I get where she was coming from, I understand they're liable and how does she know I'm being honest about things, or anything like that. She doesn't know me. But that's just it...she doesn't know me. Ugh.
So after my appointment, I texted Karen and gave her a heads up about the email, which she wasn't able to open because it was encrypted and she didn't know how to open it. So I gave her the woman's name in case she wanted to call her. Then we texted a bit and she said this other woman probably wasn't as comfortable with my fire fighters as we were (you know, since she doesn't know and hasn't worked with me,) But Karen also asked me if I had any plans or if it was still just general thoughts, and she made sure I was doing okay and everything. I felt less angry after touching base with Karen. But still, I was just so frustrated that this woman wouldn't listen to anything I was saying.
Anyways, I guess the reason why I felt the need to share this story is because September is Suicide Awareness Month. There are a few "campaigns" going on to shed light on this, like take 5 minutes to listen to a friend. I also want to "promote" creating a safety plan for yourself. This website has a good template for one: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/learn/safety.aspx
So I've been trying to find a psychiatrist because right now my antidepressants are handled by my primary care physician, and I wanted to get to someone specialized. In addition, my therapist (Karen) doesn't think my medicine is working right now because despite the stuff we've been working through and despite the progress I've been making, I'm still struggling a lot with this overwhelming darkness that is attached me to, suicidal thoughts, and the desire to self-harm. So she recommended a place in Bellefonte that she knew took my insurance, so I called. In order to get an appointment with one of their psychiatrists, you have to have an assessment by one of their therapists to get a referral. Oy. So I had my "assessment" on Friday, and boy did it almost end badly.
So when I went in for this assessment, one of the things she had me fill out was a Suicide Risk Assessment. I thought about not answering everything honestly because I knew the score was going to be high, but I want to be able to get the medication I need, so I answered everything honestly. I answered that yes, there has been an attempt in my past. Yes, I often think about I want to give up, yes I have access to pain killers, but no, I don't have any plans right now. I answered that I have struggled with self-harm in the past, but that it's been 9 months since I last did anything. I also made it very clear to her that my therapist is very much aware of everything going on. Well, she added up the score of the assessment and told me how high it was and immediately started talking about how I needed to go into inpatient care.
Wait...what?!?!
I told her that yes, there are times I had thought about going, but right now, I didn't need to. When she asked what I was "afraid of" I explained that 1.) I didn't like not knowing what would happen and not being in control (see my last post) and that 2.) I can't afford to lose shifts at work. I'm not going to lie, part of me is also afraid of all the stigma associated with it (ironic, huh?)
Anyways, I explained again that my therapist knows everything. She knows that the suicidal part and self-harm part are my fire fighters, and while they're often present and active, I don't have any current plans to take my life. I have a safety plan. In the past 5 or 6 years, and even more so over the past year (as I've become more open about everything) I've learned how to be able to tell when I'm not safe, and what steps I need to take to be safe. I know who I can reach out to and that I have a way to contact my therapist between appointments. I still go to work, I'm still working on school, still going to church and still seeing friends etc etc etc. I told this lady ALL of that, but all she saw was the number on the paper, and that's it. When I told her I wasn't willing to go into inpatient care, she started talking about being involuntarily committed. Again....what?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! She tried to call my therapist but she wasn't available, so she sent her an email. Then she asked if there I was a way I could lock up my medicine, so I told her I could give it to my roommate who would keep my accountable. So she asked to call my roommate so she could talk to her. Finally, she agreed to let me go. But by then I was super angry. I get where she was coming from, I understand they're liable and how does she know I'm being honest about things, or anything like that. She doesn't know me. But that's just it...she doesn't know me. Ugh.
So after my appointment, I texted Karen and gave her a heads up about the email, which she wasn't able to open because it was encrypted and she didn't know how to open it. So I gave her the woman's name in case she wanted to call her. Then we texted a bit and she said this other woman probably wasn't as comfortable with my fire fighters as we were (you know, since she doesn't know and hasn't worked with me,) But Karen also asked me if I had any plans or if it was still just general thoughts, and she made sure I was doing okay and everything. I felt less angry after touching base with Karen. But still, I was just so frustrated that this woman wouldn't listen to anything I was saying.
Anyways, I guess the reason why I felt the need to share this story is because September is Suicide Awareness Month. There are a few "campaigns" going on to shed light on this, like take 5 minutes to listen to a friend. I also want to "promote" creating a safety plan for yourself. This website has a good template for one: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/learn/safety.aspx
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