Tired of fighting

***Trigger Warning***Not sure if it needs it, but this is kind of a heavy post (I feel like it is anyways) and there is talk about suicide and self-harm***

Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting.

I've been making progress in therapy, and I've been taking some positive steps, even my therapist has commented about how proud she is.  But despite all that, there is this overwhelming and heavy darkness that is just attached me to me; a part of me.  I have yet to be able to visualize this "part" separate from myself.  In response to this particular part, my "fire fighter" parts, especially the self-harm and suicidal parts, become very active.  Since this dark part never seems to fully leave, it means those fire fighter parts are always active.  I know they're trying to protect me, but I still have to somehow actively fight against them.  It wears me out.  It leaves me exhausted, emotional, and feeling vulnerable.  It just seems to much easier to let them all win.  I'm tired of holding on and hanging in there.  I'm tired of having to spend almost 100% of my energy trying to function, or hell, just trying to stay alive!  I've been feeling lonely and angry.

There's a quote by David Foster Wallace that I think I've shared before, but it goes:

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

This is how I feel.  This is explains why I have these fire fighter parts.  I'm more afraid of the flames than I am of the jump.  Those fire fighter parts try to protect me by giving me a way to get away from the flames.  But the thing is, I'm not "supposed" to be participating in those either.  I'm not "supposed" to end my life and I'm not "supposed" to hurt myself.  So not only do I have to try to fight the darkness/flames, but the very thing that is supposed to help, isn't an easily acceptable solution.  It's been almost 10 months since I last hurt myself.  I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it just doesn't feel like it.  Why?  Because I have to fight against it every single freaking day.  I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but hurting myself provides some relief.  It makes that darkness a little more tolerable, it makes it a tiny bit easier to fight to get through to the next day, it makes me feel in control.  I am sick of fighting against these parts!!!  I'm tired from it.  I don't have the strength and I don't have the energy to keep doing it right now.

Sorry for the post, I just haven't been able to get this stuff out, despite how much I've tried, and I just really needed to get it out.  I know that the Savior and Heavenly Father have not abandoned me, but I feel alone.  I've been wanting to ask for a blessing, but I always seem to struggle with that, even when I'm comfortable with the person.  I feel unworthy and undeserving of help.  Or worried that I'll bother someone.

*deep breathes*  :-/  :'(