How are you?

I've been wanting to write a blog post for a week or two now.  But what to say?  I feel like lately, everything I say is repetitive, and meaningless.  There was an article recently talking about the struggle of lying/telling the truth when someone asks you how you are?

"When someone, who I care about and who cares about me, asks how I am doing, it is even more complicated. What runs through my mind is: Right now, do they really want the truth? Do they have the time or the energy for it? Do I? Can they handle the truth? Do they think at this point I am being dramatic with them because they see me interacting with other people as if I don’t have a care in the world? Am I becoming (or have I been) a burden with my prolonged need for support to this person?I’m so tired of hearing myself talk about the crap going on in my head. I bet they are too.
. . .
"This lie makes me much more pleasant to be around. Conversation doesn’t need to focus on my issues. I am the only one overtly affected by my depression. It just seems simpler. Not so healthy, but definitely easier on everyone except me.
There are many times I wish I could go back to my old standard response. Yet, alas, I have opened Pandora’s box. Being authentic after years of creating a multi-layered mask is like navigating my way through treacherous waters in a row boat. I am constantly being tossed around in the waves, and I feel like I am going to be thrown out at any second."

This is almost exactly how I've been feeling lately.  When someone asks me how I am, how do I answer?  Is it a brief, passing, polite "how are you"?  In which case, I definitely don't tell the truth.  Are they being sincere, but is it someone I'm comfortable with?  What if it's someone I've already opened to a lot, someone I reach out to a lot?  Do they really want to hear it again?  Am I burden?  If I tell them the truth, which is the same response it's been for months, will they even believe me anymore?  Or have my words become completely and ridiculously repetitive and meaningless.

Then move on to the next part I quoted.  There used to be a time where I worked really hard to try to hide everything going on.  I didn't trust people, I didn't open up.  Maybe I wasn't perfect at hiding it all, but it was something.  But now?  Now I actively try to be vocal about it and try to be an "advocate" (so to speak) against the stigma of mental health.  But it really is like opening a Pandora's box. Sometimes I wish I could back to hiding.

There have been a lot of things I've been feeling recently.  I still have to continually deal with these suicidal and self-harm parts.  Every fiber of my being is telling me to give in to them.  It would be easier.  I'd feel relief.  I'd feel in control.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of having to fight again those parts.  I'm tired of dealing with the depression, anxiety, and OCD.  It beats me down and it wears on me.  I'm just freakin tired.  I'm angry.  I'm discouraged.  I work so hard and I do my best to try to manage, fight, and beat this crap.  I'm doing all this stuff and it's like it's not even doing anything!  Still have difficulties with my medication and that causes it's own set of problems.

I just can't do it anymore.  I don't have the strength, I don't have the energy, I don't have the motivation.