1 year and lots of anger

I have been feeling so frustrated and angry lately, not to mention discouraged.

I'm angry that I've been working so freakin hard to overcome so much but that depression/dark part is still so strong, so present, so heavy and so disruptive.  I have made so much progress in therapy over the past year.  There is so much that is different, but yet this darkness is still there.  We've established in therapy that this is the depression itself and at this point, there isn't really anything that my "parts therapy" is going to help, so now it's up to medicine.  But that's been pretty frustrating too, I'm not real pleased with my new psychiatrist.  So a little background information, I've tried a number of anti-depressants with no real long-term results.  About half of those were when I was a teenager, which I make sure I mention to new doctors because I know anti-depressants can have a different effect on teenagers and young adults, than it does when you're a little older.  So when I started with her, I was on a medicine called Effexor.  Dr. K talked about how hard it is to come off of that medicine because of the withdrawals and that she wanted to avoid doing that.  She saw my history and noted a have had a binge eating disorder and she immediately prescribed "Vyvanse."  She said it was supposed to help the binge eating, even though I was very specific and clarified that the binge eating wasn't really an issue anymore.  It still happens occasionally, but not enough to be classified as a B.E.D. right now.  But she said it was a stimulant and it would help with my depression too.  I was able to get a free one month supply, but my insurance wouldn't pay for it, so I was only on it for a month.  My last appointment earlier this week, she decided before she tried adding another medicine again, she was just going to up the dosage of my current medicine.  So now I'm at the highest dosage of a medicine that is apparently really hard to come off of.  I'm not thrilled at the moment.  Honestly, if I had realized how hard it would be to come off when my regular doctor first prescribed it, I might have said no.  My therapist has actually mentioned that she probably wouldn't want me coming off of it unless I was in the hospital or something where I can be in a safe, monitored environment, especially with how much I've been struggling with my self-harm and suicidal parts.

Speaking of self-harm, Tuesday marked 1 year since I last hurt myself.  I know this is supposed to be an accomplishment, but it hasn't really felt like it.  It's still a daily struggle to fight against that part, and it still feels like any day that 1 year mark could go away.  It hasn't gotten any easier and it's just so discouraging.  I'm not sure how I feel about it all.  My therapist said I should celebrate, but I don't really feel like it.

A few posts ago, I mentioned something about starting some neurofeedback.  It's officially going to be starting in the next week or two.  It's not something insurance pays for, and it can be expensive, but Karen (therapist) said that for someone like me who has been really committed to treatment and recovery, they're going to do it free of cost.  I'll actually be one of the first one's at that office to do it. It's supposed to help re-wire my brain and shift it's responses and stuff.  I'll wear sensors on my head and I'll probably be going twice a week.  I really hope it does something.  I'm desperate for some relief.

Lastly, on just a random note; I've started writing some poems recently.  I tried writing poems when I was in high school, but I always felt like they weren't that great.  But recently, a friend got me interested in giving it a try again.  It's also a way to try to express myself in a different way, because lately I've been feeling really like everything I say has become repetitive and meaningless.  I've posted a couple of the poems on Facebook, all but one, but I don't know if I'll end up posting them all on facebook or not.