Therapy Shake Up

Well, therapy was interesting this week.

So for awhile now, we've been trying to work with this "dark part" that's been present.  This part is what the suicidal and self-harm part try to protect me from.  This is also a part that I've never been able to visualize separate from myself like I do the other parts, and when we try to "work with it" in therapy, I never seem to get anything from it.  It's a heavy, overwhelming darkness that feels like it has seeped into my entire being.  Sometimes it's not quite as dark as other times, but right now, it's really bad.  I've made a lot of progress in therapy, and there are definitely a lot of things that are different than they were a year ago.  I've been trying to do everything I can and everything I'm supposed to be to the best of my ability.  This has included church stuff, going to work, doing school, getting out of bed and out of my bedroom/apartment, reaching out to others and being social when I can, doing things like yoga and some other exercise when I can, therapy and medicine etc etc etc.  Despite all of this, that dark part won't go away.  Finally, Karen (therapist) concluded that this dark part is the depression itself, it's the brain chemistry; and while there's a lot we can do with working with my parts, this is something that parts therapy isn't going to help.

Time for a shake up...

First Karen is going to run an IVA test.  She said it's done on the computer and when I hear/see a 1, I click the mouse, and when I hear/see a 2, I DON'T click.  Apparently they can tell a bunch of stuff from that.  She's going to be in contact with Dr. K (psychiatrist) to talk about my medicine.  Dr. K was avoiding taking me off my current medicine because of the withdrawal symptoms, but depending on what this test shows, she may end up having to change it.  Then, she wants to start doing neurofeedback.  She said they attach sensors to my head and they will teach/train my brain to respond to certain things?  She didn't go into much detail about it, since it was the end of the session.  I've been trying to do a little research.  From what I've been able to read, (and someone can correct me if I'm wrong), the idea is that the neurofeedback trains patients to have better handle/control of their emotions.  This abstract here has some more information (I haven't gotten through all of it) http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0038115

Karen said it'll be done right there at the office, so I asked if it was "charged" to the insurance the same way as a therapy session.  She said it's actually something insurance doesn't pay for at all and they offer it as an "add-on" service (it's still fairly new for them to offer) but they're working on a plan for patients who have been working hard and haven't been responding to other things (such as medicine and therapy) and this is really the next course of action, they're planning on offering it free of charge.  So she said it wasn't going to cost me anything, which is a huge blessing, because I imagine it's not cheap.

In the meantime, I've grown more desperate and more discouraged.  I'm trying to keep my ahead above water, but I'm really struggling.  I'm really grateful for all the friends I have around me supporting and encouraging me.  They're definitely helping me to stay afloat.  Thank you.