Self-Compassion and Taking Care of Myself

Wow, there has been a lot of stuff going on lately.

Let's start with work.  A little over a month ago, I put in for an Administrative Assistant position within the company I already work for.  I wasn't expecting anything, but I ended up getting an interview and then got the job!  Because of hours, I'm still working 1 night a week at the hotel, but otherwise, I am working a couple days a week in our corporate office, and I love it.  Seriously, the people are great, I love the work I'm doing, and it's much less stressful.  Best of all, it's daytime hours!  Now my body is trying to get used to being awake/working all day and be on a different sleep schedule than I used to be.  Even when I was awake during the day before, it usually consisted of naps during the day to get adequate rest for shifts at the hotel.  So my body has no idea what is going on.  Not to mention, as my therapist has pointed out, my mind isn't really used to positive changes, so it's kind of freaking out because it has no idea what to do.  It's weird.  But I do really like the new position.

Now, a couple of weeks ago, I attempted to do another 5k.  I have tried two of these in the past, and I have yet to complete one 100%.  The first one I did, I struggled physically and there was a part of the course in the middle that I didn't complete (I did maybe half of it, I think?)  The one I did a few months ago, I started having some panic attacks within the first 1/2 mile and had to turn back.  This has been beyond frustrating to me.  I've been trying to get into a workout routine of some sort, but I continually fail to do so.  I try to make it a part of my schedule, I always make plans for when I want to go, or I plan to do something with a friend; but time after time, my motivation and energy are depleted and I fail.  I have the DESIRE, but fighting the depression and anxiety completely gets in the way (of course, exercise is something that could help fight it, if I could get over it enough to make it happen.)  I signed up for this 5k to try to kick start some motivation with having a goal to work towards (which is why I signed up for the other ones too.)  It usually works for a brief period of time, but eventually it fades.  This 5k resulted in kind of the same way, but how I felt about it was a lot different.  After the past 5k's, I really hated myself and beat myself up, and while I did that a little this time, it wasn't as bad.  I was able to have some self-compassion.  I did about half of it, which was good.  There were some hills that I managed better than I have before and honestly, physically, I wasn't having a too hard of a time.  But then the panic attacks.  UGH I wish I'd be able to do something without this dumb crap getting in my way.  Also, I "put myself out there" and invited friends to join me.  One friend in particular has been to each of them, because he was the only one I was comfortable around didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed.  This time, I threw it out there and invited anyone who wanted to come.  I loved having the extra support and encouragement there.

Anyways, there's a point to all this.  A few days after the 5k, I was looking at some other 5k's happening in the fall, with the idea that maybe, just maybe, one of these will be my kick start.  But I was getting frustrated.  I'm really trying to do things to take care of myself and do everything I can to fight/manage my depression/anxiety.  I thought back to a few years ago when I was actually successful for a little while with working out.  At the time, I was working with a trainer at the YMCA.  It was someone who just working with me in some of his free time during the week.  It started out because I emailed him to find out how much training sessions cost, though I was certain I wouldn't be able to afford it.  He ended up helping me out without charging me because he genuinely cared and wanted to help.  So this week I took a leap and I emailed him again.  I basically explained all this and asked him what the possibility/cost would be to work with him (I certainly don't expect him to do it for free again, but I'm really hoping it's not going to cost to much, cause my budget is still kind of tight.)  He responded and said he'd be happy to work with me again.  We're going to meet tomorrow afternoon to talk and kind of go over things, we'll see if things work out.  It's going to suck driving across town to go to the Y, but if it's what it takes, then it is worth it.  Maybe this will be the break through I need.  I'm just trying to do everything I can do to take care of myself and to try to fight this mental illness.

Along with all of this, I'm slowly starting to have some self-compassion and being nicer to myself, something that is completely new to me.  It's something we've been working on in therapy and my therapist gave me a book to read to help as well.  I started keeping a "self-compassion" journal.  When I'm struggling, I acknowledge it and tell myself that it's okay to have a hard time, instead of beating myself up about it.  I remind myself to be patient, kind, and gentle.  I find little things I like about myself.  I also my folder filled with notes/letters/cards etc from friends that make me feel good, and I remind myself that there are people who love me.  I've talked about my stuffed animals before, and while I know it seems silly, those stuffed animals really mean a lot to me.  They're from people who care about me, and when I'm lonely and having a rough night, being able to lay in bed and hug them, helps give me just enough comfort to get through the night and make it just a little while longer.  This weekend, I got a new addition to my stuffed animals from some awesome friends of mine, and I love it!  :-)

Self-compassion isn't easy, this is completely new to me; but it's what I need.  Not just me, but the little girl inside of me, she needs it too.  (I've been trying to stand up for myself a little bit more, and just be a bit more vocal about things, but that's a struggle as well.)  We've been working with that little girl a lot in therapy lately, because she is still terrified and doesn't feel safe or trust anyone (including me.)  I wrote a post about her a few months ago (You can check it out here!!!).  In my session this week, we tried going back to the EMDR to try to attack some of my memories more directly because I'm still having some strong emotional reactions to them.  For example, I have some strong reactions to things like fireworks, loud music, etc.  It's not the fireworks or music itself that I react to, but my mind/the little girl, reacts to where they think we are and what they think is about to happen because of events/things that happened in my past and that little girl becomes terrified and I end up curled up in a ball in my bed.  So in my session this week, we tried to attack those memories more directly, but some of my "parts" got in the way, especially the self-harm part, so we ended up switching over to that and working with the self-harm part and the little girl (since that part works so hard to try to protect her.)
In my head, this is the little girl that I see:

So there have been some ups and there have been some downs.  Overall, I've certainly made some progress and I'm certainly doing more to take care of myself and better manage and fight my depression.  There was a post on the facebook page of "Mental Health America" on Sunday (follow them here) that I thought was very fitting to how I feel:

(credit given to @ErinLea7)

6 months

There is a website called PostSecret that some of you may know about.  People create their secrets on post cards and mail them to this guy in Maryland.  He's compiled several books from them, and he puts new ones up every week on his site:  www.postsecret.com  Sometimes, I can't relate to any of the secrets, and other times, it's like I had sent it in myself.  Here is one of the ones that was posted this week, and if I hadn't known any better, I would have thought I had sent it myself.  

Monday marked 6 months since I last hurt myself.  That's a pretty good milestone, considering it's been a long time since I've been able to make it longer than a couple of days or weeks.  My last act was around the time I started with my new therapist.  I wish I could say it was getting easier.  But every single day I have to keep fighting it.  It comes up every time I'm stressed, upset, frustrated, depressed, hurt, alone, etc.  My therapist calls it one of my "fire fighters."  My self-harm part and suicidal part work extra hard to try to protect me and the "little girl" that's still struggling inside.  Whenever I'm in session, my therapist always reminds me that even though most people, and even the mental health world, give self-harm a bum rap, that it was my method of survival.  She says that in that room (my therapist's office), that part can feel safe and know that it's not going to shoved aside or shamed.  I'm really grateful I have a therapist who understands this, because it's not something that is easy to understand, even for a professional.  But to have a therapist who understands that it's a survival method, and who won't shame me or make me feel bad when I slip up, but instead remind me I'm still here and facing all these parts is really hard and helps me see that I found strength to keep fighting.  Obviously she doesn't condone it, but she understands it.  Our church also has an Addiction Recovery Program and I used to attend meetings some time ago, but eventually stopped.  The past couple of months I started going again and I'm really grateful.  The added understanding and support makes a big difference.

There have been some difficult nights recently.  I've had to fight a lot of suicidal thoughts in the dark of night by myself.  It hasn't been easy.  A lot of nights, lying in bed sobbing and pleading with Heavenly Father.  Often, when the topic of suicide comes up, people make comments about it being selfish and passing on the pain to others, and other such things.  Let me explain something, in the deepest darkest pits, fighting the "demons" of depression and all those parts working overtime; you genuinely feel like you're a burden to everyone around you.  That your friends would be better off if you weren't here, or that no one would even notice you were gone.  We're not trying to cause pain to other people, if anything, we believe our being alive is what is causing pain.  Facing suicidal thoughts is a dark and scary place.  And it didn't help that my therapy appointment got canceled this week cause my therapist had car trouble.  Sometimes I don't realize just how much they help until I go a week without it.  I'm really grateful for this therapist and how much she's been helping.  I still have a lot of progress to make, and there's certain things I will probably always struggle with, but I'm in a much better place mentally than I was several months ago.  On the nights when I'm lying in bed sobbing, my stuffed animals give me some comfort to help get me through the night.  <3

That's really it.  There's not much to report on right now.  I have my okay days and I have my really rough days.  Considering that several months ago I was almost never having any okay days, it's progress, and I'm grateful for it.  I'm also very grateful for the friends in my life.  All the support, encouragement and love they give me helps me get through every day.  And even though I can't always feel the Spirit in my life, the tender mercies in my life are a witness to me that my Savior hasn't forgotten about me.  

Depression Awareness Week

This week has been Depression Awareness Week and I wanted to do a post focused more on trying to help others understand depression a little bit more.  Depression is something that is really hard to go through, and it's also really hard to understand unless you (or someone close to you) have gone through it yourself.  Because of this, I never expect people to FULLY understand what it is like to experience depression.  Heck, I don't even want anyone else to have to know what this feels like.  But society as a whole treats depression with a stigma and judgement and a complete lack of information, and it's time to change that.

There is this idea that because people can't necessarily "see" the depression, that it doesn't exist.  Because it's not physical, they think we're making it up.  Let me assure you, depression is NOT something that someone can just "snap out of it."  Do you really think we like feeling the way we do?  If something as easy as "snapping out of it" would fix things, don't you think we would have done so already?!?!  I've spent a lot of time trying to find ways to help explain to people why the comments they make are hurtful, judgmental, and most of all, ignorant.

For example-  Telling someone not to be depressed because someone always has it worse, is like saying someone can't be happy because someone always has it better.  It just sounds stupid, doesn't it?  Would you ever tell someone they were to blame for cancer, or a tumor?  So why blame someone because they have depression?  Asking someone how they can be depressed when there's so much great things in the world, is like asking someone how can they have asthma when there's so much air around them.  Do you realize how ignorant these things sound?

Depression causes a lot of struggles that I have to face every single day.  Struggles that not every one sees.  Like when I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed.  It's not that I don't want to get out of bed, or I'm not trying hard enough, it's that the depression is so heavy and the thought of having to do anything is so completely overwhelming, that it completely paralyzes me.  I lie in bed sobbing for hours.  Or how I can feel so incredibly lonely, even when I'm around people.  I'm so afraid of failure that it often keeps me from even trying.  I've lost so many friends because they couldn't handle my depression, or just from the stigma that was attached to it.  Sometimes it feels impossible just to take another step, or another breath.  It feels like I'm trying to breathe under water with a thousand tons of bricks on my chest.  My mind is completely engulfed in this unbearable darkness and I'm so afraid of it.  When I'm suicidal, I have to spend 100% of my energy on fighting those thoughts and trying to keep myself safe that I don't have energy left to worry about trying to eat, shower or brush my teeth.  It feels like I'm in this deep dark pit, drowning, with no way out, no light, and no one else around.  There are times when I can't bear to be around anyone and so I lock myself in my bedroom alone and just cry for hours because it's all I can manage to do.  There doesn't need to be a "reason" to be depressed- it's just there.  It's like a constant dark cloud that fills up every nook and cranny in your mind and the rest of your body until it controls you and shuts you down.

There were some comics I posted several posts ago about just how depression can affect someone.  The artist is Nick Seluk and I had his permission to post them.  I think these pictures do a good job of explaining how depression can feel so I'm going to post them again.

There is currently a campaign on the social media sites for this week #whatyoudontsee.  If you have some time, please take a look at some of the posts people are writing.  They will give you a very real look into the struggles people face every day.  Like this one-

PLEASE take it seriously when someone says they have depression.  Please don't brush it off or tell them it's their fault or that they're just not trying hard enough.  Encourage them to get help if they aren't already.  I'm incredibly grateful to have such an amazing therapy now.  Don't get my wrong, I liked my old therapist, but after awhile, it just felt like I wasn't getting what I needed.  I'm so glad I switched therapists and found someone new.  She helps me set goals, she gives me assignments to work on throughout the week; she's compassionate and genuinely seems to care.  She encourages me to give her a call throughout the week if I'm having a hard time.  She has helped me make some very real progress for the first time.

Therapy is really hard sometimes...

I know that going to therapy is good.  But dang it, it's really hard sometimes.  This past week has been rough for me and it started with an intense therapy sessions last week.

So in therapy last week, one of the more active parts was my self-critical part, and we discovered that it was active because of something that happened on Easter. --- There was an incident with someone who I know has some control issues.  But when this incident happened, the things that were happening and being said, in my mind, translated to "You're too dumb to do this."  I had taken a friend with me to Easter dinner and even he commented on what happened.  So when that the self-critical part was active last week, we worked on it in therapy.

Something we discovered some time ago is that my self-critical part and my hurt part tend to work together.  The self-critical part takes the messages it has heard my whole life, and just repeats them itself so that when other people say it, it doesn't hurt as much.  My therapist wanted to work with the hurt part a little bit and asked me to describe a couple of the memories it holds on to.  There is one particular incident that happened when I was in 9th grade; someone close in my life told me that they wanted to kill me sometimes.  (I'm trying to be vague with details because I'm not trying to "call them out" or anything, but I'm trying to be open as well.)  Some one who NEVER should have said something like that (of course, no one should ever actually say that to some one.) and it wasn't in some sort of joking kind of way.  It was very serious, it was very hurtful, it was very terrifying.  Well as soon as this memory came up, I became visibly upset, my therapist almost stopped what we were working with.  We were trying to work through the memory and trying to let it go.  At the end of the session, she asked me to imagine letting the memory go; I could imagine letting it go in the wind, burning it a fire, setting it out to sea etc.  I chose to imagine burning the memory, and that was the end of the session.  However, that memory continued to come all week long.  No matter how hard I tried, or how many times I imagined burning it, it continued to come back.  The more it came back, the more active my self-harm and suicidal parts became.  As the week went on, I was in bed more, crying more, and barely functioning.  My anxiety was through the roof as I was trying to shut people out.  Thankfully, I had a friend who checked in on me a couple times if they didn't hear anything from me, but it was really really rough.

When I went in to therapy this week, I explained how the week went and how hard it had been.  My therapist said next time it gets like that, I'm supposed to call/text her.  She said I can always come in again during the week and next time I wasn't supposed to just let it continue.  Oh.  This was a new thing for me.  I mean, I had her cell number, but it never even occurred to me that I should have called her.  That was NEVER a thing with my old therapist and I honestly never really expected it to be a thing.  So I guess next time I'm supposed to call.  Anyways, she mentioned that it sounds like there are more memories attached to that particular one that it making it difficult to let go of it.

So things have been really rough.  This memory won't leave me alone, along with many other memories.  Therapy has been intense, and I've really been struggling.  My self-harm and suicidal parts have been incredibly active and it's been hard to stay safe and it's been exhausting trying to fight those parts.  It's also been very discouraging.  I feel like no matter how hard I try, or how hard I work, or no matter what progress I manage to make, it's not enough.  I feel like I just keep slipping into these deep dark holes with no way out.  My anxiety has been pretty bad lately too, especially around my work shifts.  The overnight shifts are definitely making things much more difficult.

*deep breathes*  I appreciate all the support I've been able to receive and the friends who have let me reach out to them and have helped encourage me.  I know all this work and all the therapy is good, it's just really hard sometimes.

Just trying to figure it all out

There's been a number of things that have happened in therapy since I last wrote.

First of all, a couple of weeks ago I discovered that some small part of me is afraid I'm going to leave the church again.  That was kind of a surprise to me.  When this happened, I was struggling with some of those messages that the depression is my fault, or that I'm worthless because I can't just make it go away.  Even though I know those things aren't true, I still struggle to fight with those thoughts sometimes.  So when I went into therapy and shared this, of course my therapist wanted to explore a bit more what might be going on.  I found that there is a small part of me that wants to accept some of the blame instead of completely accepting that this is a trail that Heavenly Father has given me for whatever reason.  This part was afraid that I'm going to get angry at Heavenly Father and leave the church again, so it tries to hang on to some of those messages a little bit so that doesn't happen.  Yeah, I wasn't expecting that.  I'm stronger in the church now than I was before I left.  I'm not angry with Heavenly Father and I have no intention of leaving again.  So now I have to show this part that I'm not going anywhere and that it can completely let go of those messages and the blame.

This most recent therapy session was pretty intense for me.  On Sunday night, I was having a lot of dreams where I hurt myself, and when I woke up on Monday, those temptations and urges to hurt myself were incredibly strong.  I ended up staying in bed a majority of Monday, which I was not happy about.  So in therapy on Tuesday, we found both the self-harm part and the suicidal part were very active and apparently feeling neglected.  I've spent a lot of time trying to push those parts away, because in my head, "getting better" means that those parts are no longer present.  I'm trying to find other ways of coping and it's been over 3 months since I last hurt myself (which is big deal for me because before that, I couldn't go more than a couple of weeks.)  Because I've relied on those parts so much for such a long time, they were feeling neglected and started to become really active again.  The thing is, these parts think they're protecting me, so the fact that I want them to go away makes them kind of mad.  The self-harm part is like a "firefighter," as my therapist puts it.  When things get really bad, it's my way of dealing.  Without it, the darkness/depression would get too much for me to handle; in a way, it acts as a moderator between me and the suicidal part, it keeps me from doing something worse.  If it weren't there, I would be resorting to much darker things.  And the suicidal part is afraid that if it's not there, the darkness/depression will completely overwhelm me and I won't have any way out.  I know it probably doesn't make any sense to anyone who hasn't experienced these things, but it kind of makes sense to me.  Anyways, on Monday, that depressed part stepped in and kept me in bed all day as a way of trying to keep me safe and not hurt myself.

My therapist explained that out in the world, and even in the mental health world, those self-harm and suicidal parts get a bum rap because we don't think they should be there, but that I was supposed to explain to those parts that I don't want them to go away completely because ultimately they are trying to protect me, we just want them to step back a little bit so they don't feel like they have to completely take over.  She suggested that I "invite" the parts to join me when I work on other coping activities that I try to do (such as coloring, crocheting, etc) but I have no idea how to even go about doing that.  So in some future sessions, she wants to do some activities that we can work with those parts so they're a little less intense.  In the mean time, they've remained pretty active this week after confronting them in therapy and I've been having a hard time trying to keep them from completely taking over.  It's hard and it's intense.

I'm really grateful for my therapist though.  I really like her and I know I'm starting to make a little bit of progress.  We recently reviewed my treatment plan that we created when I started because they want their patients to review it every 3 months.  So when I started, there were 3 main goals that we set- 1. I would develop 2 new skills to help cope with my depression.  2. I would be able to finish my school work in a more timely manner without getting more extensions on my semesters. 3.  I would be able to handle work better and not get covers for my shifts as often.  Since I'm working just 2 nights/week it's been a lot easier to handle and I have not needed to ask for a cover.  Though my school work is still going slow, the pace has increased a tiny bit, so that's better than nothing.  And lastly, the skill that I feel I developed is this blog.  Sure, I've always written in a journal pretty regularly, but creating this blog has helped me to be more open and reach out more and I think that's really helped me a lot.

Throughout all of this, I am very, very, slowly beginning to see and feel some worth in myself, and that has resulted in me starting to take better care of myself.  I've even lost 8.6 lbs in the past month!  I'm not doing anything major, but I've been making small changes to try to take better care of myself and it seems to be doing something.  Things are still really hard, don't get me wrong.  Heck, this week alone has been a roller coaster between days when I feel okay and days that I'm really struggling.  But overall, things are moving in the right direction, and that's all I can do.

Nurturing that little girl

So, therapy continues to be interesting.  We've still been working with the different parts inside my mind and the roles they play (and the roles they THINK they're playing) and I'll be honest, it still kind of freaks me out sometimes.  I feel weird imaging and talking to all these different "parts."  But, we've discovered something.  After working with several different parts, we have discovered the "little girl" in me, and a lot of the parts seem to think they're supposed to be protecting her.

This little girl is terrified, and she's alone.  She's trying to protect herself, which is when a lot of these parts have developed, and they work hard to protect her.  One of the exercises I was supposed to work on one week, was just to try to comfort and nurture that little girl.  Give her a hug, let her know she's not alone and doesn't need to be scared anymore.  But every time I tried to get near her to try to comfort her, all those parts became active again.  The depressed part, that raging storm outside the house, would be begin to destroy anything and anyone that tried to get near the house.  The little girl would hide in a corner, protected by my scared, lonely, controlling, and dark parts in particular.  She's still scared.  She's scared of the things outside her bedroom door, she doesn't want to keep getting hurt.  She's trying to protect herself from the bullies when she was younger, from the hurtful comments that even the people closest to her, and were supposed to love her most, made all the time, from the actions of others that terrified her to hiding in her bedroom curled in a ball sobbing, not knowing how to deal with it.  She's protecting herself from the "friends" that destroyed her, from the feelings of worthlessness and not feeling good enough all of her life.  She's created this protective bubble and won't let anyone or anything near it.  Not even me.  She just keeps hiding.  She's still terrified.  She still feels completely alone.  She's still hiding in a corner in her bedroom sobbing.

It's been really hard to handle, honestly.  Whenever I try to hug her and let her know she's not alone and doesn't have to be afraid anymore, all those parts start to become very active again, even if I had managed to keep them calm for a little bit.  The parts that are most difficult to deal with are the depressed and dark parts.  Those parts become active, and all of a sudden I'm back to sobbing and not being able to get out of bed, I'm keeping a distance from people and shutting down, I'm struggling to not self-harm and fighting suicidal thoughts.  And then that little girl just starts feeling worse.  It's been quite a battle.  While everything that we've been doing in therapy is good, it has also been very hard.  I'm trying to find ways to slowly approach this little girl, to help her see me and trust me so that I can get close enough to nurture and comfort her because there was no one to nurture or comfort her ever before.

As weird as all the "parts" stuff is, it's helped me become a little more self-aware and present, it allows me to step back from everything and try to see and understand what is going on and to "talk" to these parts so that they can also understand what is going on and that maybe sometimes they just need to step back a little bit.  In all seriousness, if you have not seen the movie "Inside Out", you should see it, the whole "parts" thing will probably make more sense after that.

Why depression being misunderstood in the church, caused me to leave

Most people know that I left the church for several years about halfway through high school until about 5 and 1/2 years ago when I finally came back.  I often talk about the time I spent away, and I talk even more about how I came back; but I don't often talk about what pushed me away.  Today, I'm going too.

I've suffered with depression for about as long as I can remember, but it started to get a lot worse in middle and high school.  I was frustrated.  Church wise, I was doing everything I was supposed too- I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, going to church and young women's, I finished the young women's personal progress before I was a Mia Maid (they had just made changes to the program, allowing you to finish before you were 18.)  I was going to Seminary and doing everything else I thought I was supposed to, but my depression continued, and it continued to get worse.  From the things that I had been told in church, I thought it was all my fault.  I couldn't figure out what major sin I had committed that would cause such despair and anguish.  Everyone around me at church, including leaders, were telling me things like ---
                                          "You just need to pray more"
                                          "You need to be more spiritual"
                                          "You need to be more worthy"
                                          "You're not doing something right"
                                          "Just believe more"
                                          "If you just ask, Heavenly Father will make it go away"
                                           Among many other things
These things were being continually thrown in my face.  It got to the point, where I believed it.  I didn't understand a lot about depression at the time, despite having suffered from it for a long time.  I believed that it was all my fault, that I wasn't worthy enough for Heavenly Father to care about to make it go away, that it was my fault I couldn't make it go away etc etc etc.  Eventually, I pushed away from the church, I couldn't find myself to believe in anything I had been taught there anymore.  At the time, I was in high school and it was the same time my brother was also pulling away from the church.  I know that hurt my mom, so to try to spare some of her feelings, I didn't "officially" pull away until after high school.  Until then, I simply went through the motions.

After about 4 or 5 years away, I slowly made my way back to church; a lot of things happened to get me there until it was like Heavenly Father was hitting me over the head with a 2x4 or something.  At that point, I had started learning more about my depression and other things I suffered with (and still continue to learn.)  As soon as I came back, I began looking on Deseret Books for books that would help me understand depression better in relation to the church.  I found this book called "Matters of the Mind: Latter-day Saint Helps for Mental Illness"  (you can find it on Deseretbook.com here if you're interested.  It covers several different mental illnesses, not just depression).  This book was a great help in helping me understand more about the role my depression has in my life, and in the gospel.  It was especially helpful when it explained that not being able to feel the Spirit sometimes (or often times) is common, and isn't a result of anything I'm doing.  It came down to knowing that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ could hear me, but I couldn't hear them.  I have since learned that that is when I should ask for a Priesthood blessing.  My darkest times are when I need to be able to feel the Spirit the most, and that's usually when I can't feel it at all; receiving a Priesthood blessing allows the Spirit and Heavenly Father to go around that depression, and communicate with me through someone else.

In this month's Ensign, there is a wonderful article about depression.  (For anyone who doesn't know, the Ensign is a spiritual magazine geared towards adults produced by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).  The article is by a woman who didn't even know she had depression at first, and felt a lot of the same things that I also felt in regards to the church.  She points out something very important in the article

Understanding that there are spiritual side effects from depression is important for Latter-day Saints dealing with their own depression or that of loved ones. Depression, in all forms, alters perception, making it difficult to feel peace, love, joy, or any of the fruits of the Spirit. It becomes easy to misinterpret sorrow as condemnation by God, thus causing spiritual struggles and sometimes inactivity in the Church. This may cause further distress for individuals and families facing this challenge. 

It is essential to understand that such a spiritual crisis is not a result of spiritual weakness or lack of faith. Rather, depressive feelings and the resulting depressed view of one’s spirituality are usually caused by a chemical imbalance.

 She also quotes a talk Elder Jeffrey R Holland gave a couple of years ago in conference called "Like a Broken Vessel" which is another great source of helping others to understand depression better in the church.

I'm sad to say that there are still times I'm told some of those things from above.  I know that most of the time, people have somewhat good intentions when they say things like what has been/is said to me, so I try really hard not to get mad or frustrated.  But at the same time, I'm not going to lie, it's just to INFURIATING!  I know it just comes from ignorance and a lack of understanding, but the stigma in the church (and out of the church) can be really hard to deal with.  Things like depression, anxiety, OCD, etc etc are illness, they are MENTAL ILLNESSES, just like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease.  You would certainly not walk up to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer and say things like "you just need to pray more", "just try harder", "just believe more" etc etc.  NO!  If they aren't getting treatment yet, you would be encouraging them to see their doctor, to start treatment, to fight.  Just because it's harder to see, doesn't make mental illness any less serious than a physical one.  I'm going to finish this blog off with a little "cartoon" that demonstrates my point quite well--- If physical illness were treated like mental illnesses are-