Therapy is really hard sometimes...

I know that going to therapy is good.  But dang it, it's really hard sometimes.  This past week has been rough for me and it started with an intense therapy sessions last week.

So in therapy last week, one of the more active parts was my self-critical part, and we discovered that it was active because of something that happened on Easter. --- There was an incident with someone who I know has some control issues.  But when this incident happened, the things that were happening and being said, in my mind, translated to "You're too dumb to do this."  I had taken a friend with me to Easter dinner and even he commented on what happened.  So when that the self-critical part was active last week, we worked on it in therapy.

Something we discovered some time ago is that my self-critical part and my hurt part tend to work together.  The self-critical part takes the messages it has heard my whole life, and just repeats them itself so that when other people say it, it doesn't hurt as much.  My therapist wanted to work with the hurt part a little bit and asked me to describe a couple of the memories it holds on to.  There is one particular incident that happened when I was in 9th grade; someone close in my life told me that they wanted to kill me sometimes.  (I'm trying to be vague with details because I'm not trying to "call them out" or anything, but I'm trying to be open as well.)  Some one who NEVER should have said something like that (of course, no one should ever actually say that to some one.) and it wasn't in some sort of joking kind of way.  It was very serious, it was very hurtful, it was very terrifying.  Well as soon as this memory came up, I became visibly upset, my therapist almost stopped what we were working with.  We were trying to work through the memory and trying to let it go.  At the end of the session, she asked me to imagine letting the memory go; I could imagine letting it go in the wind, burning it a fire, setting it out to sea etc.  I chose to imagine burning the memory, and that was the end of the session.  However, that memory continued to come all week long.  No matter how hard I tried, or how many times I imagined burning it, it continued to come back.  The more it came back, the more active my self-harm and suicidal parts became.  As the week went on, I was in bed more, crying more, and barely functioning.  My anxiety was through the roof as I was trying to shut people out.  Thankfully, I had a friend who checked in on me a couple times if they didn't hear anything from me, but it was really really rough.

When I went in to therapy this week, I explained how the week went and how hard it had been.  My therapist said next time it gets like that, I'm supposed to call/text her.  She said I can always come in again during the week and next time I wasn't supposed to just let it continue.  Oh.  This was a new thing for me.  I mean, I had her cell number, but it never even occurred to me that I should have called her.  That was NEVER a thing with my old therapist and I honestly never really expected it to be a thing.  So I guess next time I'm supposed to call.  Anyways, she mentioned that it sounds like there are more memories attached to that particular one that it making it difficult to let go of it.

So things have been really rough.  This memory won't leave me alone, along with many other memories.  Therapy has been intense, and I've really been struggling.  My self-harm and suicidal parts have been incredibly active and it's been hard to stay safe and it's been exhausting trying to fight those parts.  It's also been very discouraging.  I feel like no matter how hard I try, or how hard I work, or no matter what progress I manage to make, it's not enough.  I feel like I just keep slipping into these deep dark holes with no way out.  My anxiety has been pretty bad lately too, especially around my work shifts.  The overnight shifts are definitely making things much more difficult.

*deep breathes*  I appreciate all the support I've been able to receive and the friends who have let me reach out to them and have helped encourage me.  I know all this work and all the therapy is good, it's just really hard sometimes.