Whether I like it or not, depression can be a disability...

I've been thinking about this blog for several weeks now.  It's a topic I've struggled to face- disability.  Disability is generally defined as a physical or mental condition that limits a person's movements, senses or activities.  It's a condition that can get in the way of every day activities and functions.  I'm not saying that every case of depression is necessarily a disability, but yes, cases of moderate-severe depression can be considered a disability.  Recently, I've had to face this "label", and it hasn't been easy.

So a couple of months ago I made the decision to open up to my managers at work about the depression and anxiety.  The biggest reason I decided this was because I was really really struggling with working overnights, and I was constantly trying to find covers for my shift, and it just felt like it was time to say something.  Last time I tried to tell my managers what was going on (these were different managers a few years ago), it was a really bad experience, so I was terrified.  However, it ended up being really good, they've been really supportive and encouraging.  At one point though, my general manager decided to reach out to HR about everything as well, which I wasn't really expecting.  After a couple of meetings with someone in HR, she suggested that I get an ADA form filled out by my psychiatrist (ADA=American's with Disability Act).  She suggested this because it would help officially keep me off overnight (as my psychiatrist said it was getting in the way of my treatment), and in the event of a sudden leave (aka I go to the hospital or something, which was a possibility at the time because of some medicine changes (and really always is a possibility), that having this form filled out would help protect me.

I walked out of her office almost in tears.  I didn't want to be labeled as having a disability!  But why did I feel that way?  There is nothing wrong with that.  The whole process was suggested to help me, not to "punish" or "shame" me.  But it's the stigma that society has placed on this idea of disabled that I was afraid of.  (Kind of ironic that I try so hard to be vocal and fight against stigmas, but yet am afraid of it at the same time.)  In addition to this, I realized that if I am trying to get people to see that mental illnesses are just as real and valid as physical, then I have to accept that mental illness can also be a disability, and considering how debilitating mine can be at times, it is definitely considered a disability.

The good news about all of this, is that now I am legitimately not allowed to work the overnight shift anymore (yay!).  Right at the same time of all of this, the hotel lost quite a number of employees between people quitting and a few being fired, so now they're short staffed, including the audit shift (this happened literally the same week I turned in the ADA forms from my doctor, perfect timing!)  But now I work A shift, which is 7am-3pm.  At the very least, I help out with the first half of the shift and work 7-11am.  So I'm in the office Tuesday and Thursdays and at the front desk Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  My hours have gone from 16-20 hours a week, to 30+ hours a week.  It's been good, but mentally exhausting.  Since I've been able to stay on a regular routine and sleep schedule and get enough sleep and everything so thankfully, physically, I've been feeling okay.

I've also been in the process of getting some forms filled out for my school too.  Especially considering it's only been about a year and half since I've received really good treatment for everything, there are several years of school that I really struggled with, and I'm still struggling, so it's looking like I'm not going to be able to finish all my semesters by the final degree deadline.  As I was talking to the school about what options I had, they sent me an ADA form as well that I could fill out and submit along with a letter from my doctor/therapist to get an accommodation of more time if it turns out I need it.

I'm grateful for all of this, and I'm glad these options exist, but it's definitely been a journey to go through. :-/