Depression Awareness Week

This week has been Depression Awareness Week and I wanted to do a post focused more on trying to help others understand depression a little bit more.  Depression is something that is really hard to go through, and it's also really hard to understand unless you (or someone close to you) have gone through it yourself.  Because of this, I never expect people to FULLY understand what it is like to experience depression.  Heck, I don't even want anyone else to have to know what this feels like.  But society as a whole treats depression with a stigma and judgement and a complete lack of information, and it's time to change that.

There is this idea that because people can't necessarily "see" the depression, that it doesn't exist.  Because it's not physical, they think we're making it up.  Let me assure you, depression is NOT something that someone can just "snap out of it."  Do you really think we like feeling the way we do?  If something as easy as "snapping out of it" would fix things, don't you think we would have done so already?!?!  I've spent a lot of time trying to find ways to help explain to people why the comments they make are hurtful, judgmental, and most of all, ignorant.

For example-  Telling someone not to be depressed because someone always has it worse, is like saying someone can't be happy because someone always has it better.  It just sounds stupid, doesn't it?  Would you ever tell someone they were to blame for cancer, or a tumor?  So why blame someone because they have depression?  Asking someone how they can be depressed when there's so much great things in the world, is like asking someone how can they have asthma when there's so much air around them.  Do you realize how ignorant these things sound?

Depression causes a lot of struggles that I have to face every single day.  Struggles that not every one sees.  Like when I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed.  It's not that I don't want to get out of bed, or I'm not trying hard enough, it's that the depression is so heavy and the thought of having to do anything is so completely overwhelming, that it completely paralyzes me.  I lie in bed sobbing for hours.  Or how I can feel so incredibly lonely, even when I'm around people.  I'm so afraid of failure that it often keeps me from even trying.  I've lost so many friends because they couldn't handle my depression, or just from the stigma that was attached to it.  Sometimes it feels impossible just to take another step, or another breath.  It feels like I'm trying to breathe under water with a thousand tons of bricks on my chest.  My mind is completely engulfed in this unbearable darkness and I'm so afraid of it.  When I'm suicidal, I have to spend 100% of my energy on fighting those thoughts and trying to keep myself safe that I don't have energy left to worry about trying to eat, shower or brush my teeth.  It feels like I'm in this deep dark pit, drowning, with no way out, no light, and no one else around.  There are times when I can't bear to be around anyone and so I lock myself in my bedroom alone and just cry for hours because it's all I can manage to do.  There doesn't need to be a "reason" to be depressed- it's just there.  It's like a constant dark cloud that fills up every nook and cranny in your mind and the rest of your body until it controls you and shuts you down.

There were some comics I posted several posts ago about just how depression can affect someone.  The artist is Nick Seluk and I had his permission to post them.  I think these pictures do a good job of explaining how depression can feel so I'm going to post them again.

There is currently a campaign on the social media sites for this week #whatyoudontsee.  If you have some time, please take a look at some of the posts people are writing.  They will give you a very real look into the struggles people face every day.  Like this one-

PLEASE take it seriously when someone says they have depression.  Please don't brush it off or tell them it's their fault or that they're just not trying hard enough.  Encourage them to get help if they aren't already.  I'm incredibly grateful to have such an amazing therapy now.  Don't get my wrong, I liked my old therapist, but after awhile, it just felt like I wasn't getting what I needed.  I'm so glad I switched therapists and found someone new.  She helps me set goals, she gives me assignments to work on throughout the week; she's compassionate and genuinely seems to care.  She encourages me to give her a call throughout the week if I'm having a hard time.  She has helped me make some very real progress for the first time.

Therapy is really hard sometimes...

I know that going to therapy is good.  But dang it, it's really hard sometimes.  This past week has been rough for me and it started with an intense therapy sessions last week.

So in therapy last week, one of the more active parts was my self-critical part, and we discovered that it was active because of something that happened on Easter. --- There was an incident with someone who I know has some control issues.  But when this incident happened, the things that were happening and being said, in my mind, translated to "You're too dumb to do this."  I had taken a friend with me to Easter dinner and even he commented on what happened.  So when that the self-critical part was active last week, we worked on it in therapy.

Something we discovered some time ago is that my self-critical part and my hurt part tend to work together.  The self-critical part takes the messages it has heard my whole life, and just repeats them itself so that when other people say it, it doesn't hurt as much.  My therapist wanted to work with the hurt part a little bit and asked me to describe a couple of the memories it holds on to.  There is one particular incident that happened when I was in 9th grade; someone close in my life told me that they wanted to kill me sometimes.  (I'm trying to be vague with details because I'm not trying to "call them out" or anything, but I'm trying to be open as well.)  Some one who NEVER should have said something like that (of course, no one should ever actually say that to some one.) and it wasn't in some sort of joking kind of way.  It was very serious, it was very hurtful, it was very terrifying.  Well as soon as this memory came up, I became visibly upset, my therapist almost stopped what we were working with.  We were trying to work through the memory and trying to let it go.  At the end of the session, she asked me to imagine letting the memory go; I could imagine letting it go in the wind, burning it a fire, setting it out to sea etc.  I chose to imagine burning the memory, and that was the end of the session.  However, that memory continued to come all week long.  No matter how hard I tried, or how many times I imagined burning it, it continued to come back.  The more it came back, the more active my self-harm and suicidal parts became.  As the week went on, I was in bed more, crying more, and barely functioning.  My anxiety was through the roof as I was trying to shut people out.  Thankfully, I had a friend who checked in on me a couple times if they didn't hear anything from me, but it was really really rough.

When I went in to therapy this week, I explained how the week went and how hard it had been.  My therapist said next time it gets like that, I'm supposed to call/text her.  She said I can always come in again during the week and next time I wasn't supposed to just let it continue.  Oh.  This was a new thing for me.  I mean, I had her cell number, but it never even occurred to me that I should have called her.  That was NEVER a thing with my old therapist and I honestly never really expected it to be a thing.  So I guess next time I'm supposed to call.  Anyways, she mentioned that it sounds like there are more memories attached to that particular one that it making it difficult to let go of it.

So things have been really rough.  This memory won't leave me alone, along with many other memories.  Therapy has been intense, and I've really been struggling.  My self-harm and suicidal parts have been incredibly active and it's been hard to stay safe and it's been exhausting trying to fight those parts.  It's also been very discouraging.  I feel like no matter how hard I try, or how hard I work, or no matter what progress I manage to make, it's not enough.  I feel like I just keep slipping into these deep dark holes with no way out.  My anxiety has been pretty bad lately too, especially around my work shifts.  The overnight shifts are definitely making things much more difficult.

*deep breathes*  I appreciate all the support I've been able to receive and the friends who have let me reach out to them and have helped encourage me.  I know all this work and all the therapy is good, it's just really hard sometimes.