It's been quite awhile since I've written a post here, so I guess it's about time. **Possible trigger warning for parts of it**
There's not necessarily a lot to update on, I've just been having an overall really rough time. Over the past year- Last Spring, I "graduated" therapy and my depression was considered in remission. I had a few really good months, and then around September everything came back. Honestly, everything externally was mostly fine, it was that "dark part/critter" I've written about before. I feel like I'm drowning in work, school, and life. I feel like I'm under water with a ton of rocks tied to my ankles and an elephant sitting on chest. I thought I could deal with it on my own, but that clearly has not been the case. Here's everything that has happened since:
All of that, combined with some frustrations (at the time) at work, I looked for and accepted a new job. I started said new job, was bored out of my mind in the first week, and went back to my old job. Ultimately this move, and move back, ended up being good for me, but it was still a lot of unnecessary change and stress.
After making it almost three years, I started cutting again. It's the only thing that has helped me try to fight and survive, it gives me a tiny break from the heavy darkness that sits on my chest. I know it's not the best option, but it's how I cope. I have also stopped caring about hiding it. While I do try to hide it at work from my guests, elsewhere, it's not a concern. It takes so much energy to worry about hiding it all the time, and that's just energy I don't have. All my energy and strength are being sucked into trying to survive.
I've had to battle a lot of passive and active suicidal thoughts. I've avoided going to the hospital at times when I know I should have gone. Honestly, I feel like the hospital isn't an option. I can't afford to miss a lot of work, and I can't afford a large medical bill (yes, insurance would cover some of it, but not all of it). I feel like then once I was out, it would cause so much extra stress and be counterproductive.
Due to trying a new medicine my psychiatrist wanted me to try to help with energy levels, my binge eating disorder kicked up again (turns out compulsive behaviors and binge eating was a side effect of that medicine. I'm not on it anymore, but I was on it long enough). I haven't been able to get it back under control, and I've gained back about half (or more) of the weight I had lost. It's beyond frustrating because I feel like I have no control over it. I'm spending money I shouldn't, and most of the time I don't even realize it's happening until it's over, it's almost like I black out when it happens. I know there are a myriad of triggers that can potentially initiate the episodes, and unfortunately there's too many to try to avoid them all. But something else that doesn't make it any easier is that again, I'm spending all my energy and strength on trying to stay alive, I don't have much left to try to take care of myself, so it's so much easier to get take out food than it is to make food at home, even just a frozen entree, which is what I have most of the time because I HATE (and really SUCK at) cooking. I'd like to try to change this and start making some really basic healthy recipes, but at the moment it's a little tough. I've always had roommates that had stuff like pots, pans etc. I had one pan, but when my old roommate suddenly up and moved out back in August, it seems like she (I hope, accidentally) took it. So, I have a baking sheet, and a couple measuring cups, but that's it :-P Hopefully I can work my up to getting some more legit stuff for my kitchen LOL (PS if anyone needs an idea for my birthday, there ya go ;-) granted that's not till September, but whatever lol).
Anyways, regarding the BED, there's a medicine out there specifically to help it some that my psychiatrist is trying to get me on, but my previous insurance denied it :-( My insurance just changed, so at my next appointment on the 4th, we're gonna try again. *Cross your fingers* I've also signed up for Weight Watchers again, so I hope that helps. So far I've still been going over my "points" they give you, but at least I'm tracking everything (it's pretty easy to figure out what I had, even though I don't remember). I really hope to start making some progress again, because all of this makes me hate myself more and more.
Now...on to the real reason for this post. As of tomorrow, I am officially starting therapy again. I've known for awhile I need to go again, but I was struggling. I have no idea why, I like my old therapist, and she did so much for me, why was I so scared to go back? Because it's so freakin frustrating to have to rely on medicine and therapy just to try to survive. It was getting to the point that my manager and other coworkers were expressing a lot of concern and worry about me (among other people, but I figure when people at work start saying they're worrying, it's really getting bad) so I reached out to my therapist to try to get a appointment, but I was struggling to follow through, and trying to get one around work. Well then, last week my manager called a meeting with HR so they could check on me :-/ My manager assured me that if I needed to make the appointment for when I was scheduled to work, that him or my other manager would cover the desk for an hour so I could go (conveniently, my therapist office is literally right across the street from the hotel, so it works well). So finally I got an appointment set up and I'm officially going back. I'm dreading it. And it's hard. But here's what I have to say about it... IT'S OKAY TO GET HELP. IT'S OKAY TO GO BACK TO THERAPY. I sort of forgot about that for awhile.
Lastly, I'd like to explain something. With all this going on, with fighting suicidal thoughts, etc, people say things like "Don't you know how many people care about you?" Yes. LOGICALLY I know there are people who care about me. I know I have friends and I know they care. But in my mind...that's not what I can see. I am literally blinded by something entirely different-
Despite the things people say or do, this is what is being SCREAMED into my head/heart-
"You're a fuck up. Look at all the friendships you ruined over the years because of all this. Look at the people you overwhelmed. Look at the people who left. You are a BURDEN. There is no one whose life would be any worse if you had never been born. There is no one who would be impacted if you weren't here. Outside of work, you rarely see or interact with anyone, no one would notice if you just weren't there. Work would change the schedule around and your shifts would easily be covered. You provide no talents, skills, or abilities to this world. People would be happier and better if you weren't around to bring them down and be a burden."
When someone says they care, there is a small part of me that hears you, so please don't stop reminding me. I need those reminders, so that maybe someday those voices will be louder than this internal demon.
I appreciate those of you who read this. As you know, over the past few years I've been trying really hard to help speak out against the stigma of struggling with mental illness and that involves being wildly open about everything as much as I can. I know it's tiring, I know it seems like I'm always being negative, but being able to be open about everything is actually an incredibly positive thing for me. If you're looking for other things to read to help you understand mental illness, check out The Mighty's website, they have a lot of really great articles. https://themighty.com/
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Every year...and three years gone
***Possible Trigger Warning***
Every year, in the weeks leading up to my birthday, I struggle with some pretty severe suicidal depression. It's kind of hard to explain why it happens. I guess it's the idea of facing another year. Another year of facing this relentless depression. I start hoping, even praying, that I won't make it to my birthday, that I won't have to go on another year in this darkness. I make plans. Maybe not always the when, but the how. It starts plaguing my mind, it's all I can think about. The weight starts getting so heavy that sometimes all I can do it cry. Whether I'm at work, driving, at home, at the store, etc.
The thing is, there is something that helps relieve the weight, something I relied on for so long- hurting myself. It's something I've struggled with since I was somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. I went through periods of being able to go months without acting, and then I'd give in again. At one point I went two years, then I gave in. Last time I hurt myself was November 2015. I honestly thought I was past this. But it was still a DAILY struggle. I had to fight the urge to give in every freakin day of those two years and nine months. This week...I gave in. It was pretty minor, but it happened. I was lonely. I was hurting. I just wanted a break. I just wanted some relief. I'm not sharing this for attention, or for pity. I'm sharing this because I don't want to be ashamed. It's how I cope. It's how I survive. I know it's not great, but it's not as simple as just "not doing it." I want to be open about my experiences so that other people can understand better and so others struggling don't feel so alone. Except this week, I found myself trying to find ways so that people wouldn't see my arms, being grateful that a restaurant was chilly during a family dinner so I wouldn't have to have a conversation about it. The truth is, as much as I want to be open and fight the stigma and help people understand, I am also embarrassed and ashamed that after 15+ years, I'm still relying on this just to survive. And the truth is, it makes me feel better, but I know I'm not supposed to have that kind of attitude. I'm supposed to feel bad, I'm supposed to avoid acting on it. But it helps...
I'm just angry and frustrated. I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and angry that after years of fighting this depression, after finally having a breakthrough earlier this year and having a few really great months, it's back. It's heavy, it's dark. I want an escape because I honestly do not feel like I can keep going on anymore...
Anyways, there's an article I cam across recently that I think EVERYONE should read, ESPECIALLY if you have kids or teenagers, or work with them in any way. None of the adults in my life reacted like this in any way when they had suspicions that I was cutting, and truthfully, if they had, I may have been more willing to open up or try to get help soon.
https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/30/what-children-who-are-self-harming-need-the-adults-in-their-lives-to-know-7893346/?ito=cbshare
Every year, in the weeks leading up to my birthday, I struggle with some pretty severe suicidal depression. It's kind of hard to explain why it happens. I guess it's the idea of facing another year. Another year of facing this relentless depression. I start hoping, even praying, that I won't make it to my birthday, that I won't have to go on another year in this darkness. I make plans. Maybe not always the when, but the how. It starts plaguing my mind, it's all I can think about. The weight starts getting so heavy that sometimes all I can do it cry. Whether I'm at work, driving, at home, at the store, etc.
The thing is, there is something that helps relieve the weight, something I relied on for so long- hurting myself. It's something I've struggled with since I was somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. I went through periods of being able to go months without acting, and then I'd give in again. At one point I went two years, then I gave in. Last time I hurt myself was November 2015. I honestly thought I was past this. But it was still a DAILY struggle. I had to fight the urge to give in every freakin day of those two years and nine months. This week...I gave in. It was pretty minor, but it happened. I was lonely. I was hurting. I just wanted a break. I just wanted some relief. I'm not sharing this for attention, or for pity. I'm sharing this because I don't want to be ashamed. It's how I cope. It's how I survive. I know it's not great, but it's not as simple as just "not doing it." I want to be open about my experiences so that other people can understand better and so others struggling don't feel so alone. Except this week, I found myself trying to find ways so that people wouldn't see my arms, being grateful that a restaurant was chilly during a family dinner so I wouldn't have to have a conversation about it. The truth is, as much as I want to be open and fight the stigma and help people understand, I am also embarrassed and ashamed that after 15+ years, I'm still relying on this just to survive. And the truth is, it makes me feel better, but I know I'm not supposed to have that kind of attitude. I'm supposed to feel bad, I'm supposed to avoid acting on it. But it helps...
I'm just angry and frustrated. I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and angry that after years of fighting this depression, after finally having a breakthrough earlier this year and having a few really great months, it's back. It's heavy, it's dark. I want an escape because I honestly do not feel like I can keep going on anymore...
Anyways, there's an article I cam across recently that I think EVERYONE should read, ESPECIALLY if you have kids or teenagers, or work with them in any way. None of the adults in my life reacted like this in any way when they had suspicions that I was cutting, and truthfully, if they had, I may have been more willing to open up or try to get help soon.
https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/30/what-children-who-are-self-harming-need-the-adults-in-their-lives-to-know-7893346/?ito=cbshare
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Here goes nothing...
I haven't done a blog post in a long time, and I don't know if I'm even going to publish this because frankly, it's probably going to be heavy and pretty scattered. I should probably list a ***trigger warning*** here for suicidal and self-harm talk.
I was doing really well for a few months. I was feeling great! I wasn't feeling the weight of the depression and the self-harm and suicidal parts were calm. Then, a little more than 2 weeks ago, I went from great to rock bottom, pretty much overnight. I became suicidal and almost (and should have) gone to the hospital. My manager let me stay at the hotel for a couple nights (though I paid for one of them) because I thought if I could get out of my environment and have a change of pace for a few days, and be somewhere a little bit safer, I could still work and not go to the hospital. It was good that I stayed, but it didn't help that much. I was able to get an appointment with my therapist even though I was supposed to be done with therapy. We worked through one particular incident that happened a little bit before this "episode" started, since it was the only thing I could think of to cause this, but I don't think it really had anything to do with it.
We also determined that my "parts", especially my self-harm and suicidal parts are working out of habit. I can feel and acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less real or any easier to deal with. I think they just freaked out. They're not used to things going so well, so they panicked thinking that something was about to happen and they needed to try to get in front of it. If that makes sense? What does all this mean? It means I'm barely hanging on. It means every night I'm lying in bed thinking about ending it. These parts are SCREAMING in my head right now, and it's the only thing I can hear, feel, and see. "You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." It's all that's on my mind for about two weeks now.
So why haven't I gone to the hospital? I thought about it. If I was being smart and safe, that's where I'd be. But it's too terrifying, and lonely. First of all, it's terrifying because I don't know what would happen. I don't do well when I can't have things planned out a little, or at least know what to expect. I tried doing some research to find out more, and I just found horror stories about people who've gone to the ER because they were suicidal. Second of all, finances. I can't afford to lose more than a couple shifts at work. I can't afford a major medical bill if insurance doesn't cover all, or any, of it. I can't afford to lose hours or my job because I abandoned shifts. (Logically, I know that last one won't happen, but I'm still paranoid.) Third, I already feel lonely enough, going to the hospital seems 10x worse. Here's why: They don't allow any electronics and such, which I understand, but that's how I stay connected to people. I'm not trying to be someone who "always needs their phone", but for instance, my best friend is out of the country and the only way we can talk is via an app. Going to the ER by myself, again, feels terrifying. They have limited visiting hours, but I know there's no one who would come to visit. The few people I think *might* come visit, wouldn't have a way to get there, or wouldn't be able to come during the visiting hours. I highly doubt I'd be allowed to have my crocheting, and depending on where I go (the hospital vs. The Meadows) I wouldn't even be allowed to bring a book to read!!! Anything that would bring me just a small amount of comfort in such a scary time, is out. I just don't have the courage or strength to do that. It's not right for me, I think I'd come out of it feeling a lot worse. I did have a friend offer to go in to the ER with me if I end up going, but I know that won't always be an option.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Sure, I have a few "friends", but some of them I seriously question the friendship. For example, 2 or 3 of them in particular, I have watched over and over again make time for every one else in the world but me. They would always claim we were such good friends, but I was more of an after thought. When I would try to make plans, they wouldn't make the time (but they make time for a lot of other people). If we did make plans, they were always cancelled because someone else wanted to do something. I was their friend when it was convenient for them, when they needed to vent or rant about something. A few times I may have been included in a group thing, but then I was treated like an annoyance and then excluded from what they were doing. I'm not trying to sound petty. I know the people I'm thinking of are very busy, and to be fair, by text, they were a good friend. But sometimes that's not enough. I used to get hugs from my best friend all the time. Since he moved away, I don't get hugs from anyone anymore (except the occasional "hi" hug or something) and that really sucks. Sometimes I just really need a hug.
Everyday, something happens to show me or remind me that I'm nothing but a burden and annoyance to everyone around me. There isn't anyone whose life be any different if they hadn't met me. No one would notice if I slip away. Sure, people say they would. But guess what? They don't. When I get in these dark places, I tend to shut down. I'll stop reaching out and texting people, I'll stop responding to people etc. And every time it happens. no one notices. I also noticed some time ago that a majority of the time, I'm the one who texts people first. So guess what, I stopped, just to see if anyone wanted to talk from their own decision, not just responding to me. And no one did.
Work would be fine, they'd have someone to cover my shifts and eventually they'll forget about me.
"You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." This is on repeat 24/7. I desperately want to hurt myself. I've even started carrying around my "tools" again because it brings me comfort to know they're nearby.
Ultimately, I have a plan, well, half a plan. I have a "how", I don't have a "when", which I guess is good. Yes, I'm in contact with my therapist. We're discussing whether or not I'm going to start coming in regularly again, and if so, how often. Yes, I have crisis hotline numbers saved on my phone, and crisis chat sites bookmarked on my computer. Yes, I'm reaching out to people as much as I can manage and as much as they'll let me. Things are just very very very dark right now. I feel hopeless, angry, frustrated and discouraged. I've been crying myself to sleep at night. I'm desperately trying to hold on, even though every single fiber of my being wants to let go.
For anyone who read all of this, thank you for letting me get everything out. I'm sorry it was so heavy.
I was doing really well for a few months. I was feeling great! I wasn't feeling the weight of the depression and the self-harm and suicidal parts were calm. Then, a little more than 2 weeks ago, I went from great to rock bottom, pretty much overnight. I became suicidal and almost (and should have) gone to the hospital. My manager let me stay at the hotel for a couple nights (though I paid for one of them) because I thought if I could get out of my environment and have a change of pace for a few days, and be somewhere a little bit safer, I could still work and not go to the hospital. It was good that I stayed, but it didn't help that much. I was able to get an appointment with my therapist even though I was supposed to be done with therapy. We worked through one particular incident that happened a little bit before this "episode" started, since it was the only thing I could think of to cause this, but I don't think it really had anything to do with it.
We also determined that my "parts", especially my self-harm and suicidal parts are working out of habit. I can feel and acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less real or any easier to deal with. I think they just freaked out. They're not used to things going so well, so they panicked thinking that something was about to happen and they needed to try to get in front of it. If that makes sense? What does all this mean? It means I'm barely hanging on. It means every night I'm lying in bed thinking about ending it. These parts are SCREAMING in my head right now, and it's the only thing I can hear, feel, and see. "You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." It's all that's on my mind for about two weeks now.
So why haven't I gone to the hospital? I thought about it. If I was being smart and safe, that's where I'd be. But it's too terrifying, and lonely. First of all, it's terrifying because I don't know what would happen. I don't do well when I can't have things planned out a little, or at least know what to expect. I tried doing some research to find out more, and I just found horror stories about people who've gone to the ER because they were suicidal. Second of all, finances. I can't afford to lose more than a couple shifts at work. I can't afford a major medical bill if insurance doesn't cover all, or any, of it. I can't afford to lose hours or my job because I abandoned shifts. (Logically, I know that last one won't happen, but I'm still paranoid.) Third, I already feel lonely enough, going to the hospital seems 10x worse. Here's why: They don't allow any electronics and such, which I understand, but that's how I stay connected to people. I'm not trying to be someone who "always needs their phone", but for instance, my best friend is out of the country and the only way we can talk is via an app. Going to the ER by myself, again, feels terrifying. They have limited visiting hours, but I know there's no one who would come to visit. The few people I think *might* come visit, wouldn't have a way to get there, or wouldn't be able to come during the visiting hours. I highly doubt I'd be allowed to have my crocheting, and depending on where I go (the hospital vs. The Meadows) I wouldn't even be allowed to bring a book to read!!! Anything that would bring me just a small amount of comfort in such a scary time, is out. I just don't have the courage or strength to do that. It's not right for me, I think I'd come out of it feeling a lot worse. I did have a friend offer to go in to the ER with me if I end up going, but I know that won't always be an option.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Sure, I have a few "friends", but some of them I seriously question the friendship. For example, 2 or 3 of them in particular, I have watched over and over again make time for every one else in the world but me. They would always claim we were such good friends, but I was more of an after thought. When I would try to make plans, they wouldn't make the time (but they make time for a lot of other people). If we did make plans, they were always cancelled because someone else wanted to do something. I was their friend when it was convenient for them, when they needed to vent or rant about something. A few times I may have been included in a group thing, but then I was treated like an annoyance and then excluded from what they were doing. I'm not trying to sound petty. I know the people I'm thinking of are very busy, and to be fair, by text, they were a good friend. But sometimes that's not enough. I used to get hugs from my best friend all the time. Since he moved away, I don't get hugs from anyone anymore (except the occasional "hi" hug or something) and that really sucks. Sometimes I just really need a hug.
Everyday, something happens to show me or remind me that I'm nothing but a burden and annoyance to everyone around me. There isn't anyone whose life be any different if they hadn't met me. No one would notice if I slip away. Sure, people say they would. But guess what? They don't. When I get in these dark places, I tend to shut down. I'll stop reaching out and texting people, I'll stop responding to people etc. And every time it happens. no one notices. I also noticed some time ago that a majority of the time, I'm the one who texts people first. So guess what, I stopped, just to see if anyone wanted to talk from their own decision, not just responding to me. And no one did.
Work would be fine, they'd have someone to cover my shifts and eventually they'll forget about me.
"You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." This is on repeat 24/7. I desperately want to hurt myself. I've even started carrying around my "tools" again because it brings me comfort to know they're nearby.
Ultimately, I have a plan, well, half a plan. I have a "how", I don't have a "when", which I guess is good. Yes, I'm in contact with my therapist. We're discussing whether or not I'm going to start coming in regularly again, and if so, how often. Yes, I have crisis hotline numbers saved on my phone, and crisis chat sites bookmarked on my computer. Yes, I'm reaching out to people as much as I can manage and as much as they'll let me. Things are just very very very dark right now. I feel hopeless, angry, frustrated and discouraged. I've been crying myself to sleep at night. I'm desperately trying to hold on, even though every single fiber of my being wants to let go.
For anyone who read all of this, thank you for letting me get everything out. I'm sorry it was so heavy.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
A Breakthrough
So, there seems to have been a little bit of a breakthrough with things. As many of you know, I've been talking about this "heaviness" and "darkness" that have plagued me, even though everything has been fine, and it's been incredibly frustrating. Well, my therapist and a colleague or hers had this new theory and so they were going to try something new in therapy.
This theory sort of sounds a little silly, but bear with me. So my therapist's colleague was calling it a "critter." Her theory was that this "critter" creeped into my system when I was hurt and broken and just grew and grew, mostly absorbing any negative energy that was around me. It also turns out that my self-harm part and suicidal part were inviting it in, but not consciously. Both those parts have been around so long, they don't know what to do if that heaviness and darkness weren't there. They also felt like I wanted to get rid of them, so I guess they kind of freaked out. Which, to be far, I did want to get rid of them, but my therapist said I have to look at it a different way. I have to accept that it's always going to have a place, and that it played a huge role in who I've become, but it doesn't need to actively work so hard.
So in therapy, we worked on "expelling" this negative energy. I had to do all these exercises to get those parts to let go of the heaviness and darkness and I had to expel it to the universe where it could be "cared for, but not get back into my system." After we did this, I genuinely could feel a difference. When I walked into therapy that day, the heaviness was at a 5ish, when I was done, it was more like 2 or even 1. This isn't a "one and done" deal. Anytime this negative energy tries to creep back in, I'm going to have to do some exercises to expel it. And my self-harm and suicidal parts are so used to having to work so hard, they don't really know what to do. Today, I felt better than I have for a long, long, time; probably ever actually. It was a little tiring, I'm not used to feeling like that, so I had a lot of energy. Those self-harm/suicidal parts/thoughts are still there a little bit, but they're there out of habit, and slowly, they should be less present. I was feeling good at work today and was sharing some of this with one of my managers and he took a minute and celebrated with me and it felt nice lol. Not just that I felt good, but that I've had managers who have been so supportive and caring that they celebrate in my victories with me.
Something else happened recently that was a HUGE step for me. The Front Desk Manager position at our property recently became vacant. As soon as I knew what happened, I immediately logged into my google account at work (I keep my resume on my google drive) and printed my resume. I went back to my manager and handed it to her and said I wanted to be considered for the replacement. She said they weren't going to be posting/filling the position for a little while until some other things settle down first, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I was going to lose my nerve. I never put myself out there like that. I've never had the confidence to do something like that either. Every day I work, I try to take on some more responsibilities. I've already started doing several things the previous FD manager was doing, I figure the more I know and the more I'm already doing when they make the decision, the better my chances of getting it. Then this weekend, I talked to both my general and assistant managers and I asked them, "If you had to fill the position today, what concerns would you have about giving me the job?" They both gave me some feedback, there wasn't anything major they seemed concerned about, but gave me some helpful comments, and since they're not filling the position for awhile, I have some time to work on anything they're concerned about :-) All of this was a HUGE thing for me. My therapist was really impressed and I'm really proud. Even if I don't get the job, I'm okay with it. This was so much progress for me, that I don't care if I don't get it. (I mean I do care, but I'm okay with whatever happens lol)
This theory sort of sounds a little silly, but bear with me. So my therapist's colleague was calling it a "critter." Her theory was that this "critter" creeped into my system when I was hurt and broken and just grew and grew, mostly absorbing any negative energy that was around me. It also turns out that my self-harm part and suicidal part were inviting it in, but not consciously. Both those parts have been around so long, they don't know what to do if that heaviness and darkness weren't there. They also felt like I wanted to get rid of them, so I guess they kind of freaked out. Which, to be far, I did want to get rid of them, but my therapist said I have to look at it a different way. I have to accept that it's always going to have a place, and that it played a huge role in who I've become, but it doesn't need to actively work so hard.
So in therapy, we worked on "expelling" this negative energy. I had to do all these exercises to get those parts to let go of the heaviness and darkness and I had to expel it to the universe where it could be "cared for, but not get back into my system." After we did this, I genuinely could feel a difference. When I walked into therapy that day, the heaviness was at a 5ish, when I was done, it was more like 2 or even 1. This isn't a "one and done" deal. Anytime this negative energy tries to creep back in, I'm going to have to do some exercises to expel it. And my self-harm and suicidal parts are so used to having to work so hard, they don't really know what to do. Today, I felt better than I have for a long, long, time; probably ever actually. It was a little tiring, I'm not used to feeling like that, so I had a lot of energy. Those self-harm/suicidal parts/thoughts are still there a little bit, but they're there out of habit, and slowly, they should be less present. I was feeling good at work today and was sharing some of this with one of my managers and he took a minute and celebrated with me and it felt nice lol. Not just that I felt good, but that I've had managers who have been so supportive and caring that they celebrate in my victories with me.
Something else happened recently that was a HUGE step for me. The Front Desk Manager position at our property recently became vacant. As soon as I knew what happened, I immediately logged into my google account at work (I keep my resume on my google drive) and printed my resume. I went back to my manager and handed it to her and said I wanted to be considered for the replacement. She said they weren't going to be posting/filling the position for a little while until some other things settle down first, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I was going to lose my nerve. I never put myself out there like that. I've never had the confidence to do something like that either. Every day I work, I try to take on some more responsibilities. I've already started doing several things the previous FD manager was doing, I figure the more I know and the more I'm already doing when they make the decision, the better my chances of getting it. Then this weekend, I talked to both my general and assistant managers and I asked them, "If you had to fill the position today, what concerns would you have about giving me the job?" They both gave me some feedback, there wasn't anything major they seemed concerned about, but gave me some helpful comments, and since they're not filling the position for awhile, I have some time to work on anything they're concerned about :-) All of this was a HUGE thing for me. My therapist was really impressed and I'm really proud. Even if I don't get the job, I'm okay with it. This was so much progress for me, that I don't care if I don't get it. (I mean I do care, but I'm okay with whatever happens lol)
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Struggling With My Faith
I didn't realize it had been so long since my last blog post. Things have been really frustrating lately. Externally, everything is fine. School is coming along, slowly but surely. Work is GREAT, and I love my managers and coworkers. I've been steadily losing weight over the past year. But I still have this "heaviness" and "darkness" that are making me feel like crap. My therapist has a new theory as to what's causing it, so she has a new strategy we're going to be starting soon. Truthfully, I'm pretty much willing to try just about anything.
Anyways, there's something else that's been on my mind- I've really been struggling with my faith recently. My mind is kind of all over the place with this, so I just want to try to sort things out. For awhile now, I have felt abandoned by Heavenly Father and my Savior. I feel like all my prayers, my crying pleas, everything has gone unheard. I was trying to do everything I'm "supposed" to be doing, but the heaviness and darkness doesn't go away. I get that it's not something that is necessarily to get taken away from me, but all I need is just a little bit of comfort, and I don't even get that. It's left me frustrated and angry, and slowly making choices that are pushing me farther from the church. It's like it's 10-12 years ago all over again.
When I was at the branch, before I moved to the ward, I was feeling left out, uncomfortable, and unwelcome. I started to feel like the ward was where I was supposed to be, so I moved. (I think I wrote about this in a previous blog post.) But now, I don't know. I knew going into the family ward, it was gonna be different- but I'm the ONLY one in my current situation. Meaning I'm the only single there that I know of; everyone else is married, most have kids, or are elderly singe. So I'm stuck feeling left out again. Then, between me being new, and the ward boundaries changing, no one even knows, notices, or cares if I'm not around. One of my hopes going into the family ward was that I would have home and visiting teachers that would at least make contact with me occasionally. I don't even need formal visits, I just need someone who occasionally texts me or checks up on me. I was worried about being assigned teachers that I don't know or am not comfortable with, and I had a short list of who I'd be okay with as my home teachers. Truthfully, I'd rather have home teachers I don't know/not comfortable with, but who make contact, than have none at all. However, several months in and I have no idea who my home teachers are, they've never made contact with me. My visiting teachers reached out once in just a "we're your visiting teachers" kind of way. Even if I needed something, I wouldn't feel okay trying to ask them for help; and even if I knew who my home teachers were, if they're not contacting me, I'm certainly not going to be contacting them if I need help. Someone mentioned that I should talk to the Bishop and find out who my home teachers are, but what's the point. If someone says something to them, then they're just doing their home teaching because they're being guilted into it, and that's almost worse.
So no one notices or cares if I'm at church or not. I feel abandoned by Heavenly Father, and I'm left feeling completely alone. Slowly, I stopped making it to church. Then I'm just sitting at home on Sunday's feeling like crap. So I changed my work schedule and instead of working Saturday mornings (which recently has been a struggle for me for some reason), I will be working on Sunday mornings, and I feel good/excited about it. I think it'll be easier for me to handle stress wise, and now I won't be sitting at home alone all day feeling like crap.
There are other choices I've been making recently that are also pushing me a little farther from the church, but I'm not going to go into it right now.
I'm sure at some point in the future I'll sort things out, but right now, I'm just left feeling completely alone. Not even in regards to just church, but in my personal life as well. Just really struggling. I've just started the process of getting a cat, so I really hope that helps my depression some. *crosses fingers*
Anyways, there's something else that's been on my mind- I've really been struggling with my faith recently. My mind is kind of all over the place with this, so I just want to try to sort things out. For awhile now, I have felt abandoned by Heavenly Father and my Savior. I feel like all my prayers, my crying pleas, everything has gone unheard. I was trying to do everything I'm "supposed" to be doing, but the heaviness and darkness doesn't go away. I get that it's not something that is necessarily to get taken away from me, but all I need is just a little bit of comfort, and I don't even get that. It's left me frustrated and angry, and slowly making choices that are pushing me farther from the church. It's like it's 10-12 years ago all over again.
When I was at the branch, before I moved to the ward, I was feeling left out, uncomfortable, and unwelcome. I started to feel like the ward was where I was supposed to be, so I moved. (I think I wrote about this in a previous blog post.) But now, I don't know. I knew going into the family ward, it was gonna be different- but I'm the ONLY one in my current situation. Meaning I'm the only single there that I know of; everyone else is married, most have kids, or are elderly singe. So I'm stuck feeling left out again. Then, between me being new, and the ward boundaries changing, no one even knows, notices, or cares if I'm not around. One of my hopes going into the family ward was that I would have home and visiting teachers that would at least make contact with me occasionally. I don't even need formal visits, I just need someone who occasionally texts me or checks up on me. I was worried about being assigned teachers that I don't know or am not comfortable with, and I had a short list of who I'd be okay with as my home teachers. Truthfully, I'd rather have home teachers I don't know/not comfortable with, but who make contact, than have none at all. However, several months in and I have no idea who my home teachers are, they've never made contact with me. My visiting teachers reached out once in just a "we're your visiting teachers" kind of way. Even if I needed something, I wouldn't feel okay trying to ask them for help; and even if I knew who my home teachers were, if they're not contacting me, I'm certainly not going to be contacting them if I need help. Someone mentioned that I should talk to the Bishop and find out who my home teachers are, but what's the point. If someone says something to them, then they're just doing their home teaching because they're being guilted into it, and that's almost worse.
So no one notices or cares if I'm at church or not. I feel abandoned by Heavenly Father, and I'm left feeling completely alone. Slowly, I stopped making it to church. Then I'm just sitting at home on Sunday's feeling like crap. So I changed my work schedule and instead of working Saturday mornings (which recently has been a struggle for me for some reason), I will be working on Sunday mornings, and I feel good/excited about it. I think it'll be easier for me to handle stress wise, and now I won't be sitting at home alone all day feeling like crap.
There are other choices I've been making recently that are also pushing me a little farther from the church, but I'm not going to go into it right now.
I'm sure at some point in the future I'll sort things out, but right now, I'm just left feeling completely alone. Not even in regards to just church, but in my personal life as well. Just really struggling. I've just started the process of getting a cat, so I really hope that helps my depression some. *crosses fingers*
Friday, December 22, 2017
When things are hard...
For some time, it seemed like things were going well. I wasn't having too many bad days, and overall I was functioning pretty well. For the longest time in therapy, we were working with this "little girl" part inside, and working through a lot of things with her. Well, she seems to be doing fairly well recently, but we have unsurfaced a "teenaged" part of me, who is very intense and is carrying a lot of burdens and hurts. While trying to help her let go of some of those burdens, we've had to go very slow, because it gets really overwhelming really fast.
So lately, things have been harder, and usually, it feels like it's for no reason. About two weeks ago, one night when I was going to bed, I all of a sudden started sobbing. I was up most of the night sobbing and couldn't stop. The things in my mind were really dark and scary. I finally fell asleep for a little bit, but I was a mess at work the next morning. I had several breakdowns and just kept crying. Thankfully, it was an admin day for me so I wasn't at the desk dealing with guests, I was just in the back office. It was like that for a few days before it finally calmed down for a little while. But then it started up again, just as suddenly.
Surely you can imagine how frustrating this is. I went from feeling fine to sobbing in about 5 minutes. I felt like I was being smothered by darkness and like something was holding my head under water and I was still supposed to find a way to breathe. Every fiber of my being wanted to give up and quit; every fiber of my being wanted to end my life. It was taking so much energy just to try to stay alive. At some point, I just started to feel numb, which frankly might be worse than what I was feeling before. And at the point, in addition to desperate desire to end everything, I was desperate to cut. I ended up spending hours crocheting just trying not to pick up a tool and hurt myself. It started back up a day or two ago, except instead of sobbing, it went straight to feeling numb, but the suicidal thoughts and wanting to cut are just as intense as ever. Slowly, in addition to losing the energy and strength to keep fighting, I've started to lose any small desire I had to fight against it. It's just too freakin tiring.
The longer this goes on, the more convincing my mind gets that no one would notice if I wasn't around. Truthfully, most of the time, I'm the one who texts people first (I don't mean to reach out, I just mean in a general friendship way) because if I don't, I could go days without hearing from anyone. You know what that tells my mind? That if I didn't bother trying to keep up friendships/conversations/etc, that it wouldn't matter, no one would notice if I just stopped. No one would notice if I didn't initiate the conversation, or if I didn't even respond. At one point, there was a friend who knew if I didn't respond in a certain amount of time, it meant I was really struggling because I was beginning to shut down and isolate myself. However, that time has passed as our schedules are busy and don't really match up anymore, so there isn't that person who has a sixth sense about how I'm doing. (Which really, I don't actually expect anyone to be that for me, it's nowhere near fair to expect that of someone, but it was nice when it happened.) So if I don't respond to people, if I don't initiate conversations, or didn't show up to things, etc, it simply wouldn't matter. And work, it wouldn't matter. If I didn't exist anymore, they'd just get fill those shifts and move on in a few days. This is what my mind convinces me of, even if, logically, I know it isn't true, it FEELS true. So I end up feeling alone and it makes all these feelings much much worse.
So, moving on to something else now. I can't remember where I heard about the book, but I've been reading a book called "Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things" by Jenny Lawson. The back cover describes the book as "...Jenny Lawson explores her lifelong battle with mental illness. A hysterical, ridiculous book about crippling depression and anxiety? That sounds like a terrible idea. But terrible ideas are what Jenny does best." It's been nice to read a book about experiences that I can relate to. I recently underwent a slight medicine change for one of my antidepressants (which may have added to the recent issues I've had) and Jenny wrote a little bit about it that really struck a chord with me, so I wanted to share it. Some of what she shares is the exact reason why deciding to try medication for mental illness is so hard.
"Being on medication for mental illness is not fun, nor is it easy, and no one I've ever known does it just for kicks. Kids don't buy black-market Prozac to take to raves. People don't use B12 shots as a gateway drug to heroin. The side effects and troubles with taking medication are very real and (if you have a chronic mental illness) are something you have to deal with for the rest of your life. Even if a drug is working for a while, it might stop working and you'll have to start all over again with something new, which can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening. And then you have to deal with the side effects of the new drug, which can include 'feeling excessively stabby' when coupled with some asshole telling you that 'your medication not working is just proof that you don't really need medication at all.' I can't think of another type of illness where the sufferer is made to feel guilty and question their self-care when their medications need to be changed.
"When I went on my first antidepressant it had the side effect of making me fixated on suicide (which is sort of the opposite of what you want). It's a rare side effect so I switched to something else that did work. Lots of concerned friends and family felt that the first medication's failure was a clear sign that drugs were not the answer; if they were I would have been fixed. Clearly I wasn't as sick as I said I was if the medication didn't work for me. And that sort of makes sense, because when you have cancer the doctor gives you the best medicine and if it doesn't shrink the tumor immediately then that's a pretty clear sign you were just faking it for attention. I mean, cancer is a serious, often fatal disease we've spent billions of dollars studying and treating so obviously a patient would never have to try multiple drugs, surgeries, radiation, etc., to find what will work specifically for them. And once the cancer sufferer is in remission they're set for life because once they've learned how to not have cancer they should be good. And if they let themselves get cancer again they can just do whatever they did last time. Once you find the right cancer medication you're pretty much immune from that disease forever. And if you get it again it's probably just a reaction to too much gluten or not praying correctly. Right?
"Well, no. But that same, completely ridiculous reasoning is what people with mental illness often hear....not just from well-meaning friends, or people who were able to fix their own issues without medication, or people who don't understand that mental illness can be dangerous and even fatal if untreated...but also from someone much closer and more manipulative.
"We hear it from ourselves."
Do you hear how crazy all that sounds? Do you understand why mental illness is just as real and as serious as physical illnesses? Can you imagine the journey we have to face when we deicde to try medication, or when we just become open about our mental illness; not just the things we endure from other people, but even from ourselves?!
Thursday, November 30, 2017
2 years...
My blog posting has been a bit sporadic lately, but I need to get back into the swing of things.
It has now been a little over two years since I started therapy with my current therapist Karen and started to finally make some real progress. There is still A LOT I am struggling with, and lately, things have been really rough. We've been working with this "teenage" part and we've had to chip away at some of her burdens. Some of her memories and burdens though are so intense, we can only do a little bit of work in each session before I end up getting completely overwhelmed and we have to stop. I'm still having a lot of hard days, so sometimes it's hard to see the progress I've made. But compared to two years ago:
-I'm not spending days in bed sleeping all day. Even if all I do is move to the couch downstairs, I'm at least out of bed.
-I'm taking better care of myself
-I at least WANT to work on my school work more. I still struggle to work on it because I'm often so mentally exhausted, but at least I want to
-I don't try to get covers at work quite as often as I used to
-My binge eating is almost completely under control and as a result, I've lost 60lbs, which is great
-I've slowly started to gain more confidence and self-esteem
-I'm putting more effort into trying to add exercising to my life
-I've worked through a lot of issues and memories and have been able to have a better relationship with my parents, that I never imagined I'd get to (though there's still some things I'm working through and still some things that happen, I've come a long way.)
Regardless of this though, every day I am fighting these massive demons, and it is completely mentally exhausting. The demons of depression, anxiety, constant suicidal thoughts (even if they're just passive thoughts), thoughts of self-harm, etc etc etc. It makes it hard sometimes to do other things. Things have been lonely lately, people are busy, it's life. And sometimes I find myself trying to isolate myself a little bit, which makes things worse. I know I should try to find events and things to go to, to try to be social and meet new people, but that's pretty freakin terrifying when your anxiety is high. I'm grateful that I've been able to become good friends with some coworkers and have been able to go out and do things with them. I still often feel completely alone, and it's really a hard thing to feel. Logically, I know I'm not, but it doesn't change the feeling.
And finally...yesterday marked the 2 year mark since I last hurt myself. I know this is a big accomplishment, but it doesn't feel like one. It doesn't feel like one because it's still a battle I have to fight EVERY SINGLE DAY. It has not gotten any easier. Every time I feel alone, I get angry, I'm upset, frustrated, etc etc, hurting myself is the very first thought. I still have a tool or two that always sits in a pocket in my bag I carry, I can't bear to get rid of them. I have to fight this demon every freakin day and it feels like those 2 years could go away any second. The self-harm started when I was about 13 or 14, I've been struggling with it for 14-15 years. There were times I couldn't even go a day without giving in. There were times I managed to go days, weeks, or months without giving in. One other time in this time frame I went two years, and then one day it was too much for me and I gave in. I don't ever get a break from this, and sometimes it's just really exhausting. Sometimes I go to bed insanely early simply because I don't have the energy to keep fighting it. So even though I've hit this milestone and have this "accomplishment," I can never become complacent. I have to fight it every day because it only takes a second to go away. And quite frankly, not all of me even wants to fight it. It's exhausting to fight, and things seemed like they were so much easier to handle when I had this method of coping.
It has now been a little over two years since I started therapy with my current therapist Karen and started to finally make some real progress. There is still A LOT I am struggling with, and lately, things have been really rough. We've been working with this "teenage" part and we've had to chip away at some of her burdens. Some of her memories and burdens though are so intense, we can only do a little bit of work in each session before I end up getting completely overwhelmed and we have to stop. I'm still having a lot of hard days, so sometimes it's hard to see the progress I've made. But compared to two years ago:
-I'm not spending days in bed sleeping all day. Even if all I do is move to the couch downstairs, I'm at least out of bed.
-I'm taking better care of myself
-I at least WANT to work on my school work more. I still struggle to work on it because I'm often so mentally exhausted, but at least I want to
-I don't try to get covers at work quite as often as I used to
-My binge eating is almost completely under control and as a result, I've lost 60lbs, which is great
-I've slowly started to gain more confidence and self-esteem
-I'm putting more effort into trying to add exercising to my life
-I've worked through a lot of issues and memories and have been able to have a better relationship with my parents, that I never imagined I'd get to (though there's still some things I'm working through and still some things that happen, I've come a long way.)
Regardless of this though, every day I am fighting these massive demons, and it is completely mentally exhausting. The demons of depression, anxiety, constant suicidal thoughts (even if they're just passive thoughts), thoughts of self-harm, etc etc etc. It makes it hard sometimes to do other things. Things have been lonely lately, people are busy, it's life. And sometimes I find myself trying to isolate myself a little bit, which makes things worse. I know I should try to find events and things to go to, to try to be social and meet new people, but that's pretty freakin terrifying when your anxiety is high. I'm grateful that I've been able to become good friends with some coworkers and have been able to go out and do things with them. I still often feel completely alone, and it's really a hard thing to feel. Logically, I know I'm not, but it doesn't change the feeling.
And finally...yesterday marked the 2 year mark since I last hurt myself. I know this is a big accomplishment, but it doesn't feel like one. It doesn't feel like one because it's still a battle I have to fight EVERY SINGLE DAY. It has not gotten any easier. Every time I feel alone, I get angry, I'm upset, frustrated, etc etc, hurting myself is the very first thought. I still have a tool or two that always sits in a pocket in my bag I carry, I can't bear to get rid of them. I have to fight this demon every freakin day and it feels like those 2 years could go away any second. The self-harm started when I was about 13 or 14, I've been struggling with it for 14-15 years. There were times I couldn't even go a day without giving in. There were times I managed to go days, weeks, or months without giving in. One other time in this time frame I went two years, and then one day it was too much for me and I gave in. I don't ever get a break from this, and sometimes it's just really exhausting. Sometimes I go to bed insanely early simply because I don't have the energy to keep fighting it. So even though I've hit this milestone and have this "accomplishment," I can never become complacent. I have to fight it every day because it only takes a second to go away. And quite frankly, not all of me even wants to fight it. It's exhausting to fight, and things seemed like they were so much easier to handle when I had this method of coping.
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