It's time to be open about a part of me. While I really don't like labels, I identify with the LGBTQ community. It's something I discovered in my early twenties; I didn't exactly deny that part of me, but I didn't exactly acknowledge it either. Over the years it's become more evident that this is a part of me. I've shared this with one friend, and sort of talked about it with another, but that's it. Just like before when I didn't deny OR acknowledge it, now, I don't exactly hide it, but I'm not really open about it either.
I know this information will not go over well with some people in my life, especially family; but there have been so many inspiring people in my life, that I know will be supportive, that I feel like it's time to share. I know some of these people who will have a problem with it probably already suspect something, because they're the kind of people who believes that someone who stands up strongly for LGBTQ rights/someone who is an ally, IS someone in that community. Which, to be clear, I've always felt very strongly about being an ally, long before I discovered this about myself.
Like I said, I don't really like labels. I really believe that for most people, sexuality/attraction is more of a "spectrum". I don't think people are every really 100% one thing. People can be attracted to different people, in different ways, at different times. So I'm not exactly looking to put a label on myself, but I decided it was time to be open about it. So there ya go...
Sunday, June 30, 2019
Monday, June 17, 2019
Having A Voice For Mental Health
Unfortunately I have let this blog fall by the wayside, and it's time to change that. At my last therapy session, my therapist suggested that I find ways to use my voice to be an advocate for mental health, because it was something she could tell I was passionate about, which I am. This conversation came after I spent 10 minutes yelling and crying about a conversation with a very close friend who made a comment with the implication that people with mental health issues have control over their issues. I was freakin pissed and I was ranting about it to her. She also suggested that finding a way to have a voice and connect more with others will help me a lot with the intense feelings of loneliness in my life. She suggested keeping up with my blog here, and seeing if there's other opportunities. I was going to apply to be a Crisis Counselor for Crisis Text Line, and of course I was aware of the different situations that people would be dealing with that I would encounter and I felt like I would be okay. However, as I was actually applying and reading about the intensity of things, I'm not sure I'd really be able to handle it well right now. So for now, I'm just going to focus on my blog, and try to be more consistent with it. I also really want to focus on awareness and education in addition to just sharing my own experiences.
So today, I just want to share some things/comments I have come across about mental health that are are very much lacking education and awareness. Some of these comments have been said directly to me, others are things I've seen people within my Facebook feed post or comment about.
-This first one is from the conversation I mentioned earlier, and I plan to go over the issues brought up in this conversation more in depth in a future blog post, but until then: In a discussion about how people in the general medical fields and emergency respondents (EMT and police especially) need to be better trained to handle mental health situations, this friend indicated that training all them is a lot to ask. A little bit of back and forth later and the comment was made that individuals with heart conditions can't control their conditions, but someone with a mental health issue can. This was about mental health in general, but also self-inflicted situations such as self-harm and suicidal attempts. This is a very complicated situation and there's a lot to discuss with it, but the gist of it that I want to get across right now is that mental health illness/issues are not something someone can control.
This particular conversation really effected me, a big part was because of who it was that said it, but I have spent most of my life trying to understand what I experience and what goes on in my brain, and for the first 15-20+ years, I dealt with almost single person around me telling me it was my fault and in my control, and I believed it. It wasn't until the past 3-5 years that I have truly been able to accept that it is NOT my fault and that I could NOT control it. I really slid back to that "self" that truly believed it was my fault I still experience depression (and anxiety, ptsd, ocd, panic attacks, adhd etc etc). The thing is, at no point did I ever believe this about someone else, only myself. I could never break the stigmas about it for myself.
Now, for the rest of the things I've come across/heard (and will at some point go into more in depth) and unfortunately it's not just from one person, many of these came from more than 1 person alone. Again some of them we directed right at me, others were just posts or comments made from people:
-We are over medicating children, and adults, for things like depression, anxiety, add/adhd
-Be happy mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally; just get it together and be happy
-Events from your childhood are no reason for X, Y, and Z to happen, get over it (XYandZ meaning things like ptsd issues, panic attacks, anxiety, etc)
-Just take care of yourself and take a walk, you'll feel a lot better
-You don't need a doctor or pills, you just need fresh air and running shoes
-Shut up and do something about it
-There are so many people who have it way worse
-What do you have to be depressed about?
-Depression isn't real
-Depression is just being selfish
There's a lot more, but you get the point. Can you understand why these are problematic? Can you understand why these ARE NOT ACCURATE?! There needs to be a ridiculous amount of more education, awareness, and training! ER's need to be better trained, informed, and equipped to handle mental health situations, police officers need to be trained about the possible situations they may walk into and why they're different from other ordinary calls/situations they run into, teachers and other professionals in schools need to understand that a teenager likely ISN'T looking for attention, they're looking for help. Things need to change in this country. It starts with each and every one of us.
So today, I just want to share some things/comments I have come across about mental health that are are very much lacking education and awareness. Some of these comments have been said directly to me, others are things I've seen people within my Facebook feed post or comment about.
-This first one is from the conversation I mentioned earlier, and I plan to go over the issues brought up in this conversation more in depth in a future blog post, but until then: In a discussion about how people in the general medical fields and emergency respondents (EMT and police especially) need to be better trained to handle mental health situations, this friend indicated that training all them is a lot to ask. A little bit of back and forth later and the comment was made that individuals with heart conditions can't control their conditions, but someone with a mental health issue can. This was about mental health in general, but also self-inflicted situations such as self-harm and suicidal attempts. This is a very complicated situation and there's a lot to discuss with it, but the gist of it that I want to get across right now is that mental health illness/issues are not something someone can control.
This particular conversation really effected me, a big part was because of who it was that said it, but I have spent most of my life trying to understand what I experience and what goes on in my brain, and for the first 15-20+ years, I dealt with almost single person around me telling me it was my fault and in my control, and I believed it. It wasn't until the past 3-5 years that I have truly been able to accept that it is NOT my fault and that I could NOT control it. I really slid back to that "self" that truly believed it was my fault I still experience depression (and anxiety, ptsd, ocd, panic attacks, adhd etc etc). The thing is, at no point did I ever believe this about someone else, only myself. I could never break the stigmas about it for myself.
Now, for the rest of the things I've come across/heard (and will at some point go into more in depth) and unfortunately it's not just from one person, many of these came from more than 1 person alone. Again some of them we directed right at me, others were just posts or comments made from people:
-We are over medicating children, and adults, for things like depression, anxiety, add/adhd
-Be happy mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally; just get it together and be happy
-Events from your childhood are no reason for X, Y, and Z to happen, get over it (XYandZ meaning things like ptsd issues, panic attacks, anxiety, etc)
-Just take care of yourself and take a walk, you'll feel a lot better
-You don't need a doctor or pills, you just need fresh air and running shoes
-Shut up and do something about it
-There are so many people who have it way worse
-What do you have to be depressed about?
-Depression isn't real
-Depression is just being selfish
There's a lot more, but you get the point. Can you understand why these are problematic? Can you understand why these ARE NOT ACCURATE?! There needs to be a ridiculous amount of more education, awareness, and training! ER's need to be better trained, informed, and equipped to handle mental health situations, police officers need to be trained about the possible situations they may walk into and why they're different from other ordinary calls/situations they run into, teachers and other professionals in schools need to understand that a teenager likely ISN'T looking for attention, they're looking for help. Things need to change in this country. It starts with each and every one of us.
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Getting back on my feet
After falling into a deep, dark, awful hole of despair and depression, I'm trying to slowly get back on my feet again. The first step is trying to take better care of myself; this involves being in therapy again, seeing my psychiatrist as usual, going in for an overdue check up with my regular doctor (although I just switched doctors, so it's more of an initial "meet" appointment"), going to the dentist for the first time in years, etc. It's tiring, not to mention expensive. First, under my new insurance, my medicine is much more expensive than it was before. Second, because it's been so long since I've been to the dentist, I need some work done. I need to have some gum work done, which won't be too bad, approximately $150 after insurance. I also need my wisdom teeth removed, which should have been done a long time ago, because they're causing problems. The actual procedure is covered by insurance, but because I have a fairly low pain tolerance coupled with a severe anxiety of even being at the dentist, they're going to be me under, which isn't covered by insurance; so that's another $500. I also need Invisalign (the newish "adult" braces) but that's not covered at all and is about $4,000, so that is completely off the table. However, it looks like the medicine that my psychiatrist wanted to put on was approved with the new insurance! Hallelujah! It will help with the binge eating disorder, my lack of focus and concentration (which is either ADHD, or symptoms of my depression), and my lack of energy. It's a pretty strong stimulant, so I have to start with a three day supply, and then if things go well, my psychiatrist has to have her supervising physician send in the 30 day supply. I have to start on a low dosage because there's a chance it's going to mess with my anxiety, so cross your fingers that doesn't happen.
As I mentioned in my last post, I have officially started therapy again. My therapist and I were able to establish a timeline of some events that happened last fall and determined some events that she thinks triggered the onset of my depression coming back. This was made worse by a heavy work and school schedule that leaves me very little time for "me", so I haven't been doing anything that I used to do to help me relax and unwind and that made me feel good. I also haven't been sleeping well, and my energy levels are completely depleted by work and school. Essentially, I'm overwhelmed and I need a break. In that regard, hopefully things will be getting better soon. My "semester" ends on March 15th (one more week!) and then I have a 3 1/2 week break before my new semester starts, and within that break I will be going on vacation to visit my best friend for the first time in almost two years. Due to the timing of when classes are offered, my next semester that starts at the beginning of April will be a lighter load than this past semester has been. After that, the remaining three semesters will be pretty heavy as I finish up my degree, but it will be nice to a have a bit of a break before that. I'm really glad I made the transfer to this school last year because for the first time ever, it seems like the end is in sight. I should be done with my degree by June of next year. Woo hoo! They do hold a graduation ceremony in both Orlando and Minneapolis, but I won't be be able to afford to go to either :-( But who cares, at least I'll be done!
As I mentioned in my last post, I have officially started therapy again. My therapist and I were able to establish a timeline of some events that happened last fall and determined some events that she thinks triggered the onset of my depression coming back. This was made worse by a heavy work and school schedule that leaves me very little time for "me", so I haven't been doing anything that I used to do to help me relax and unwind and that made me feel good. I also haven't been sleeping well, and my energy levels are completely depleted by work and school. Essentially, I'm overwhelmed and I need a break. In that regard, hopefully things will be getting better soon. My "semester" ends on March 15th (one more week!) and then I have a 3 1/2 week break before my new semester starts, and within that break I will be going on vacation to visit my best friend for the first time in almost two years. Due to the timing of when classes are offered, my next semester that starts at the beginning of April will be a lighter load than this past semester has been. After that, the remaining three semesters will be pretty heavy as I finish up my degree, but it will be nice to a have a bit of a break before that. I'm really glad I made the transfer to this school last year because for the first time ever, it seems like the end is in sight. I should be done with my degree by June of next year. Woo hoo! They do hold a graduation ceremony in both Orlando and Minneapolis, but I won't be be able to afford to go to either :-( But who cares, at least I'll be done!
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Long, overdue update
It's been quite awhile since I've written a post here, so I guess it's about time. **Possible trigger warning for parts of it**
There's not necessarily a lot to update on, I've just been having an overall really rough time. Over the past year- Last Spring, I "graduated" therapy and my depression was considered in remission. I had a few really good months, and then around September everything came back. Honestly, everything externally was mostly fine, it was that "dark part/critter" I've written about before. I feel like I'm drowning in work, school, and life. I feel like I'm under water with a ton of rocks tied to my ankles and an elephant sitting on chest. I thought I could deal with it on my own, but that clearly has not been the case. Here's everything that has happened since:
All of that, combined with some frustrations (at the time) at work, I looked for and accepted a new job. I started said new job, was bored out of my mind in the first week, and went back to my old job. Ultimately this move, and move back, ended up being good for me, but it was still a lot of unnecessary change and stress.
After making it almost three years, I started cutting again. It's the only thing that has helped me try to fight and survive, it gives me a tiny break from the heavy darkness that sits on my chest. I know it's not the best option, but it's how I cope. I have also stopped caring about hiding it. While I do try to hide it at work from my guests, elsewhere, it's not a concern. It takes so much energy to worry about hiding it all the time, and that's just energy I don't have. All my energy and strength are being sucked into trying to survive.
I've had to battle a lot of passive and active suicidal thoughts. I've avoided going to the hospital at times when I know I should have gone. Honestly, I feel like the hospital isn't an option. I can't afford to miss a lot of work, and I can't afford a large medical bill (yes, insurance would cover some of it, but not all of it). I feel like then once I was out, it would cause so much extra stress and be counterproductive.
Due to trying a new medicine my psychiatrist wanted me to try to help with energy levels, my binge eating disorder kicked up again (turns out compulsive behaviors and binge eating was a side effect of that medicine. I'm not on it anymore, but I was on it long enough). I haven't been able to get it back under control, and I've gained back about half (or more) of the weight I had lost. It's beyond frustrating because I feel like I have no control over it. I'm spending money I shouldn't, and most of the time I don't even realize it's happening until it's over, it's almost like I black out when it happens. I know there are a myriad of triggers that can potentially initiate the episodes, and unfortunately there's too many to try to avoid them all. But something else that doesn't make it any easier is that again, I'm spending all my energy and strength on trying to stay alive, I don't have much left to try to take care of myself, so it's so much easier to get take out food than it is to make food at home, even just a frozen entree, which is what I have most of the time because I HATE (and really SUCK at) cooking. I'd like to try to change this and start making some really basic healthy recipes, but at the moment it's a little tough. I've always had roommates that had stuff like pots, pans etc. I had one pan, but when my old roommate suddenly up and moved out back in August, it seems like she (I hope, accidentally) took it. So, I have a baking sheet, and a couple measuring cups, but that's it :-P Hopefully I can work my up to getting some more legit stuff for my kitchen LOL (PS if anyone needs an idea for my birthday, there ya go ;-) granted that's not till September, but whatever lol).
Anyways, regarding the BED, there's a medicine out there specifically to help it some that my psychiatrist is trying to get me on, but my previous insurance denied it :-( My insurance just changed, so at my next appointment on the 4th, we're gonna try again. *Cross your fingers* I've also signed up for Weight Watchers again, so I hope that helps. So far I've still been going over my "points" they give you, but at least I'm tracking everything (it's pretty easy to figure out what I had, even though I don't remember). I really hope to start making some progress again, because all of this makes me hate myself more and more.
Now...on to the real reason for this post. As of tomorrow, I am officially starting therapy again. I've known for awhile I need to go again, but I was struggling. I have no idea why, I like my old therapist, and she did so much for me, why was I so scared to go back? Because it's so freakin frustrating to have to rely on medicine and therapy just to try to survive. It was getting to the point that my manager and other coworkers were expressing a lot of concern and worry about me (among other people, but I figure when people at work start saying they're worrying, it's really getting bad) so I reached out to my therapist to try to get a appointment, but I was struggling to follow through, and trying to get one around work. Well then, last week my manager called a meeting with HR so they could check on me :-/ My manager assured me that if I needed to make the appointment for when I was scheduled to work, that him or my other manager would cover the desk for an hour so I could go (conveniently, my therapist office is literally right across the street from the hotel, so it works well). So finally I got an appointment set up and I'm officially going back. I'm dreading it. And it's hard. But here's what I have to say about it... IT'S OKAY TO GET HELP. IT'S OKAY TO GO BACK TO THERAPY. I sort of forgot about that for awhile.
Lastly, I'd like to explain something. With all this going on, with fighting suicidal thoughts, etc, people say things like "Don't you know how many people care about you?" Yes. LOGICALLY I know there are people who care about me. I know I have friends and I know they care. But in my mind...that's not what I can see. I am literally blinded by something entirely different-
Despite the things people say or do, this is what is being SCREAMED into my head/heart-
"You're a fuck up. Look at all the friendships you ruined over the years because of all this. Look at the people you overwhelmed. Look at the people who left. You are a BURDEN. There is no one whose life would be any worse if you had never been born. There is no one who would be impacted if you weren't here. Outside of work, you rarely see or interact with anyone, no one would notice if you just weren't there. Work would change the schedule around and your shifts would easily be covered. You provide no talents, skills, or abilities to this world. People would be happier and better if you weren't around to bring them down and be a burden."
When someone says they care, there is a small part of me that hears you, so please don't stop reminding me. I need those reminders, so that maybe someday those voices will be louder than this internal demon.
I appreciate those of you who read this. As you know, over the past few years I've been trying really hard to help speak out against the stigma of struggling with mental illness and that involves being wildly open about everything as much as I can. I know it's tiring, I know it seems like I'm always being negative, but being able to be open about everything is actually an incredibly positive thing for me. If you're looking for other things to read to help you understand mental illness, check out The Mighty's website, they have a lot of really great articles. https://themighty.com/
There's not necessarily a lot to update on, I've just been having an overall really rough time. Over the past year- Last Spring, I "graduated" therapy and my depression was considered in remission. I had a few really good months, and then around September everything came back. Honestly, everything externally was mostly fine, it was that "dark part/critter" I've written about before. I feel like I'm drowning in work, school, and life. I feel like I'm under water with a ton of rocks tied to my ankles and an elephant sitting on chest. I thought I could deal with it on my own, but that clearly has not been the case. Here's everything that has happened since:
All of that, combined with some frustrations (at the time) at work, I looked for and accepted a new job. I started said new job, was bored out of my mind in the first week, and went back to my old job. Ultimately this move, and move back, ended up being good for me, but it was still a lot of unnecessary change and stress.
After making it almost three years, I started cutting again. It's the only thing that has helped me try to fight and survive, it gives me a tiny break from the heavy darkness that sits on my chest. I know it's not the best option, but it's how I cope. I have also stopped caring about hiding it. While I do try to hide it at work from my guests, elsewhere, it's not a concern. It takes so much energy to worry about hiding it all the time, and that's just energy I don't have. All my energy and strength are being sucked into trying to survive.
I've had to battle a lot of passive and active suicidal thoughts. I've avoided going to the hospital at times when I know I should have gone. Honestly, I feel like the hospital isn't an option. I can't afford to miss a lot of work, and I can't afford a large medical bill (yes, insurance would cover some of it, but not all of it). I feel like then once I was out, it would cause so much extra stress and be counterproductive.
Due to trying a new medicine my psychiatrist wanted me to try to help with energy levels, my binge eating disorder kicked up again (turns out compulsive behaviors and binge eating was a side effect of that medicine. I'm not on it anymore, but I was on it long enough). I haven't been able to get it back under control, and I've gained back about half (or more) of the weight I had lost. It's beyond frustrating because I feel like I have no control over it. I'm spending money I shouldn't, and most of the time I don't even realize it's happening until it's over, it's almost like I black out when it happens. I know there are a myriad of triggers that can potentially initiate the episodes, and unfortunately there's too many to try to avoid them all. But something else that doesn't make it any easier is that again, I'm spending all my energy and strength on trying to stay alive, I don't have much left to try to take care of myself, so it's so much easier to get take out food than it is to make food at home, even just a frozen entree, which is what I have most of the time because I HATE (and really SUCK at) cooking. I'd like to try to change this and start making some really basic healthy recipes, but at the moment it's a little tough. I've always had roommates that had stuff like pots, pans etc. I had one pan, but when my old roommate suddenly up and moved out back in August, it seems like she (I hope, accidentally) took it. So, I have a baking sheet, and a couple measuring cups, but that's it :-P Hopefully I can work my up to getting some more legit stuff for my kitchen LOL (PS if anyone needs an idea for my birthday, there ya go ;-) granted that's not till September, but whatever lol).
Anyways, regarding the BED, there's a medicine out there specifically to help it some that my psychiatrist is trying to get me on, but my previous insurance denied it :-( My insurance just changed, so at my next appointment on the 4th, we're gonna try again. *Cross your fingers* I've also signed up for Weight Watchers again, so I hope that helps. So far I've still been going over my "points" they give you, but at least I'm tracking everything (it's pretty easy to figure out what I had, even though I don't remember). I really hope to start making some progress again, because all of this makes me hate myself more and more.
Now...on to the real reason for this post. As of tomorrow, I am officially starting therapy again. I've known for awhile I need to go again, but I was struggling. I have no idea why, I like my old therapist, and she did so much for me, why was I so scared to go back? Because it's so freakin frustrating to have to rely on medicine and therapy just to try to survive. It was getting to the point that my manager and other coworkers were expressing a lot of concern and worry about me (among other people, but I figure when people at work start saying they're worrying, it's really getting bad) so I reached out to my therapist to try to get a appointment, but I was struggling to follow through, and trying to get one around work. Well then, last week my manager called a meeting with HR so they could check on me :-/ My manager assured me that if I needed to make the appointment for when I was scheduled to work, that him or my other manager would cover the desk for an hour so I could go (conveniently, my therapist office is literally right across the street from the hotel, so it works well). So finally I got an appointment set up and I'm officially going back. I'm dreading it. And it's hard. But here's what I have to say about it... IT'S OKAY TO GET HELP. IT'S OKAY TO GO BACK TO THERAPY. I sort of forgot about that for awhile.
Lastly, I'd like to explain something. With all this going on, with fighting suicidal thoughts, etc, people say things like "Don't you know how many people care about you?" Yes. LOGICALLY I know there are people who care about me. I know I have friends and I know they care. But in my mind...that's not what I can see. I am literally blinded by something entirely different-
Despite the things people say or do, this is what is being SCREAMED into my head/heart-
"You're a fuck up. Look at all the friendships you ruined over the years because of all this. Look at the people you overwhelmed. Look at the people who left. You are a BURDEN. There is no one whose life would be any worse if you had never been born. There is no one who would be impacted if you weren't here. Outside of work, you rarely see or interact with anyone, no one would notice if you just weren't there. Work would change the schedule around and your shifts would easily be covered. You provide no talents, skills, or abilities to this world. People would be happier and better if you weren't around to bring them down and be a burden."
When someone says they care, there is a small part of me that hears you, so please don't stop reminding me. I need those reminders, so that maybe someday those voices will be louder than this internal demon.
I appreciate those of you who read this. As you know, over the past few years I've been trying really hard to help speak out against the stigma of struggling with mental illness and that involves being wildly open about everything as much as I can. I know it's tiring, I know it seems like I'm always being negative, but being able to be open about everything is actually an incredibly positive thing for me. If you're looking for other things to read to help you understand mental illness, check out The Mighty's website, they have a lot of really great articles. https://themighty.com/
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Every year...and three years gone
***Possible Trigger Warning***
Every year, in the weeks leading up to my birthday, I struggle with some pretty severe suicidal depression. It's kind of hard to explain why it happens. I guess it's the idea of facing another year. Another year of facing this relentless depression. I start hoping, even praying, that I won't make it to my birthday, that I won't have to go on another year in this darkness. I make plans. Maybe not always the when, but the how. It starts plaguing my mind, it's all I can think about. The weight starts getting so heavy that sometimes all I can do it cry. Whether I'm at work, driving, at home, at the store, etc.
The thing is, there is something that helps relieve the weight, something I relied on for so long- hurting myself. It's something I've struggled with since I was somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. I went through periods of being able to go months without acting, and then I'd give in again. At one point I went two years, then I gave in. Last time I hurt myself was November 2015. I honestly thought I was past this. But it was still a DAILY struggle. I had to fight the urge to give in every freakin day of those two years and nine months. This week...I gave in. It was pretty minor, but it happened. I was lonely. I was hurting. I just wanted a break. I just wanted some relief. I'm not sharing this for attention, or for pity. I'm sharing this because I don't want to be ashamed. It's how I cope. It's how I survive. I know it's not great, but it's not as simple as just "not doing it." I want to be open about my experiences so that other people can understand better and so others struggling don't feel so alone. Except this week, I found myself trying to find ways so that people wouldn't see my arms, being grateful that a restaurant was chilly during a family dinner so I wouldn't have to have a conversation about it. The truth is, as much as I want to be open and fight the stigma and help people understand, I am also embarrassed and ashamed that after 15+ years, I'm still relying on this just to survive. And the truth is, it makes me feel better, but I know I'm not supposed to have that kind of attitude. I'm supposed to feel bad, I'm supposed to avoid acting on it. But it helps...
I'm just angry and frustrated. I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and angry that after years of fighting this depression, after finally having a breakthrough earlier this year and having a few really great months, it's back. It's heavy, it's dark. I want an escape because I honestly do not feel like I can keep going on anymore...
Anyways, there's an article I cam across recently that I think EVERYONE should read, ESPECIALLY if you have kids or teenagers, or work with them in any way. None of the adults in my life reacted like this in any way when they had suspicions that I was cutting, and truthfully, if they had, I may have been more willing to open up or try to get help soon.
https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/30/what-children-who-are-self-harming-need-the-adults-in-their-lives-to-know-7893346/?ito=cbshare
Every year, in the weeks leading up to my birthday, I struggle with some pretty severe suicidal depression. It's kind of hard to explain why it happens. I guess it's the idea of facing another year. Another year of facing this relentless depression. I start hoping, even praying, that I won't make it to my birthday, that I won't have to go on another year in this darkness. I make plans. Maybe not always the when, but the how. It starts plaguing my mind, it's all I can think about. The weight starts getting so heavy that sometimes all I can do it cry. Whether I'm at work, driving, at home, at the store, etc.
The thing is, there is something that helps relieve the weight, something I relied on for so long- hurting myself. It's something I've struggled with since I was somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. I went through periods of being able to go months without acting, and then I'd give in again. At one point I went two years, then I gave in. Last time I hurt myself was November 2015. I honestly thought I was past this. But it was still a DAILY struggle. I had to fight the urge to give in every freakin day of those two years and nine months. This week...I gave in. It was pretty minor, but it happened. I was lonely. I was hurting. I just wanted a break. I just wanted some relief. I'm not sharing this for attention, or for pity. I'm sharing this because I don't want to be ashamed. It's how I cope. It's how I survive. I know it's not great, but it's not as simple as just "not doing it." I want to be open about my experiences so that other people can understand better and so others struggling don't feel so alone. Except this week, I found myself trying to find ways so that people wouldn't see my arms, being grateful that a restaurant was chilly during a family dinner so I wouldn't have to have a conversation about it. The truth is, as much as I want to be open and fight the stigma and help people understand, I am also embarrassed and ashamed that after 15+ years, I'm still relying on this just to survive. And the truth is, it makes me feel better, but I know I'm not supposed to have that kind of attitude. I'm supposed to feel bad, I'm supposed to avoid acting on it. But it helps...
I'm just angry and frustrated. I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and angry that after years of fighting this depression, after finally having a breakthrough earlier this year and having a few really great months, it's back. It's heavy, it's dark. I want an escape because I honestly do not feel like I can keep going on anymore...
Anyways, there's an article I cam across recently that I think EVERYONE should read, ESPECIALLY if you have kids or teenagers, or work with them in any way. None of the adults in my life reacted like this in any way when they had suspicions that I was cutting, and truthfully, if they had, I may have been more willing to open up or try to get help soon.
https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/30/what-children-who-are-self-harming-need-the-adults-in-their-lives-to-know-7893346/?ito=cbshare
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Here goes nothing...
I haven't done a blog post in a long time, and I don't know if I'm even going to publish this because frankly, it's probably going to be heavy and pretty scattered. I should probably list a ***trigger warning*** here for suicidal and self-harm talk.
I was doing really well for a few months. I was feeling great! I wasn't feeling the weight of the depression and the self-harm and suicidal parts were calm. Then, a little more than 2 weeks ago, I went from great to rock bottom, pretty much overnight. I became suicidal and almost (and should have) gone to the hospital. My manager let me stay at the hotel for a couple nights (though I paid for one of them) because I thought if I could get out of my environment and have a change of pace for a few days, and be somewhere a little bit safer, I could still work and not go to the hospital. It was good that I stayed, but it didn't help that much. I was able to get an appointment with my therapist even though I was supposed to be done with therapy. We worked through one particular incident that happened a little bit before this "episode" started, since it was the only thing I could think of to cause this, but I don't think it really had anything to do with it.
We also determined that my "parts", especially my self-harm and suicidal parts are working out of habit. I can feel and acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less real or any easier to deal with. I think they just freaked out. They're not used to things going so well, so they panicked thinking that something was about to happen and they needed to try to get in front of it. If that makes sense? What does all this mean? It means I'm barely hanging on. It means every night I'm lying in bed thinking about ending it. These parts are SCREAMING in my head right now, and it's the only thing I can hear, feel, and see. "You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." It's all that's on my mind for about two weeks now.
So why haven't I gone to the hospital? I thought about it. If I was being smart and safe, that's where I'd be. But it's too terrifying, and lonely. First of all, it's terrifying because I don't know what would happen. I don't do well when I can't have things planned out a little, or at least know what to expect. I tried doing some research to find out more, and I just found horror stories about people who've gone to the ER because they were suicidal. Second of all, finances. I can't afford to lose more than a couple shifts at work. I can't afford a major medical bill if insurance doesn't cover all, or any, of it. I can't afford to lose hours or my job because I abandoned shifts. (Logically, I know that last one won't happen, but I'm still paranoid.) Third, I already feel lonely enough, going to the hospital seems 10x worse. Here's why: They don't allow any electronics and such, which I understand, but that's how I stay connected to people. I'm not trying to be someone who "always needs their phone", but for instance, my best friend is out of the country and the only way we can talk is via an app. Going to the ER by myself, again, feels terrifying. They have limited visiting hours, but I know there's no one who would come to visit. The few people I think *might* come visit, wouldn't have a way to get there, or wouldn't be able to come during the visiting hours. I highly doubt I'd be allowed to have my crocheting, and depending on where I go (the hospital vs. The Meadows) I wouldn't even be allowed to bring a book to read!!! Anything that would bring me just a small amount of comfort in such a scary time, is out. I just don't have the courage or strength to do that. It's not right for me, I think I'd come out of it feeling a lot worse. I did have a friend offer to go in to the ER with me if I end up going, but I know that won't always be an option.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Sure, I have a few "friends", but some of them I seriously question the friendship. For example, 2 or 3 of them in particular, I have watched over and over again make time for every one else in the world but me. They would always claim we were such good friends, but I was more of an after thought. When I would try to make plans, they wouldn't make the time (but they make time for a lot of other people). If we did make plans, they were always cancelled because someone else wanted to do something. I was their friend when it was convenient for them, when they needed to vent or rant about something. A few times I may have been included in a group thing, but then I was treated like an annoyance and then excluded from what they were doing. I'm not trying to sound petty. I know the people I'm thinking of are very busy, and to be fair, by text, they were a good friend. But sometimes that's not enough. I used to get hugs from my best friend all the time. Since he moved away, I don't get hugs from anyone anymore (except the occasional "hi" hug or something) and that really sucks. Sometimes I just really need a hug.
Everyday, something happens to show me or remind me that I'm nothing but a burden and annoyance to everyone around me. There isn't anyone whose life be any different if they hadn't met me. No one would notice if I slip away. Sure, people say they would. But guess what? They don't. When I get in these dark places, I tend to shut down. I'll stop reaching out and texting people, I'll stop responding to people etc. And every time it happens. no one notices. I also noticed some time ago that a majority of the time, I'm the one who texts people first. So guess what, I stopped, just to see if anyone wanted to talk from their own decision, not just responding to me. And no one did.
Work would be fine, they'd have someone to cover my shifts and eventually they'll forget about me.
"You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." This is on repeat 24/7. I desperately want to hurt myself. I've even started carrying around my "tools" again because it brings me comfort to know they're nearby.
Ultimately, I have a plan, well, half a plan. I have a "how", I don't have a "when", which I guess is good. Yes, I'm in contact with my therapist. We're discussing whether or not I'm going to start coming in regularly again, and if so, how often. Yes, I have crisis hotline numbers saved on my phone, and crisis chat sites bookmarked on my computer. Yes, I'm reaching out to people as much as I can manage and as much as they'll let me. Things are just very very very dark right now. I feel hopeless, angry, frustrated and discouraged. I've been crying myself to sleep at night. I'm desperately trying to hold on, even though every single fiber of my being wants to let go.
For anyone who read all of this, thank you for letting me get everything out. I'm sorry it was so heavy.
I was doing really well for a few months. I was feeling great! I wasn't feeling the weight of the depression and the self-harm and suicidal parts were calm. Then, a little more than 2 weeks ago, I went from great to rock bottom, pretty much overnight. I became suicidal and almost (and should have) gone to the hospital. My manager let me stay at the hotel for a couple nights (though I paid for one of them) because I thought if I could get out of my environment and have a change of pace for a few days, and be somewhere a little bit safer, I could still work and not go to the hospital. It was good that I stayed, but it didn't help that much. I was able to get an appointment with my therapist even though I was supposed to be done with therapy. We worked through one particular incident that happened a little bit before this "episode" started, since it was the only thing I could think of to cause this, but I don't think it really had anything to do with it.
We also determined that my "parts", especially my self-harm and suicidal parts are working out of habit. I can feel and acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less real or any easier to deal with. I think they just freaked out. They're not used to things going so well, so they panicked thinking that something was about to happen and they needed to try to get in front of it. If that makes sense? What does all this mean? It means I'm barely hanging on. It means every night I'm lying in bed thinking about ending it. These parts are SCREAMING in my head right now, and it's the only thing I can hear, feel, and see. "You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." It's all that's on my mind for about two weeks now.
So why haven't I gone to the hospital? I thought about it. If I was being smart and safe, that's where I'd be. But it's too terrifying, and lonely. First of all, it's terrifying because I don't know what would happen. I don't do well when I can't have things planned out a little, or at least know what to expect. I tried doing some research to find out more, and I just found horror stories about people who've gone to the ER because they were suicidal. Second of all, finances. I can't afford to lose more than a couple shifts at work. I can't afford a major medical bill if insurance doesn't cover all, or any, of it. I can't afford to lose hours or my job because I abandoned shifts. (Logically, I know that last one won't happen, but I'm still paranoid.) Third, I already feel lonely enough, going to the hospital seems 10x worse. Here's why: They don't allow any electronics and such, which I understand, but that's how I stay connected to people. I'm not trying to be someone who "always needs their phone", but for instance, my best friend is out of the country and the only way we can talk is via an app. Going to the ER by myself, again, feels terrifying. They have limited visiting hours, but I know there's no one who would come to visit. The few people I think *might* come visit, wouldn't have a way to get there, or wouldn't be able to come during the visiting hours. I highly doubt I'd be allowed to have my crocheting, and depending on where I go (the hospital vs. The Meadows) I wouldn't even be allowed to bring a book to read!!! Anything that would bring me just a small amount of comfort in such a scary time, is out. I just don't have the courage or strength to do that. It's not right for me, I think I'd come out of it feeling a lot worse. I did have a friend offer to go in to the ER with me if I end up going, but I know that won't always be an option.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Sure, I have a few "friends", but some of them I seriously question the friendship. For example, 2 or 3 of them in particular, I have watched over and over again make time for every one else in the world but me. They would always claim we were such good friends, but I was more of an after thought. When I would try to make plans, they wouldn't make the time (but they make time for a lot of other people). If we did make plans, they were always cancelled because someone else wanted to do something. I was their friend when it was convenient for them, when they needed to vent or rant about something. A few times I may have been included in a group thing, but then I was treated like an annoyance and then excluded from what they were doing. I'm not trying to sound petty. I know the people I'm thinking of are very busy, and to be fair, by text, they were a good friend. But sometimes that's not enough. I used to get hugs from my best friend all the time. Since he moved away, I don't get hugs from anyone anymore (except the occasional "hi" hug or something) and that really sucks. Sometimes I just really need a hug.
Everyday, something happens to show me or remind me that I'm nothing but a burden and annoyance to everyone around me. There isn't anyone whose life be any different if they hadn't met me. No one would notice if I slip away. Sure, people say they would. But guess what? They don't. When I get in these dark places, I tend to shut down. I'll stop reaching out and texting people, I'll stop responding to people etc. And every time it happens. no one notices. I also noticed some time ago that a majority of the time, I'm the one who texts people first. So guess what, I stopped, just to see if anyone wanted to talk from their own decision, not just responding to me. And no one did.
Work would be fine, they'd have someone to cover my shifts and eventually they'll forget about me.
"You don't matter." "You're not worth anything." "You are a burden and annoyance to everyone around you." This is on repeat 24/7. I desperately want to hurt myself. I've even started carrying around my "tools" again because it brings me comfort to know they're nearby.
Ultimately, I have a plan, well, half a plan. I have a "how", I don't have a "when", which I guess is good. Yes, I'm in contact with my therapist. We're discussing whether or not I'm going to start coming in regularly again, and if so, how often. Yes, I have crisis hotline numbers saved on my phone, and crisis chat sites bookmarked on my computer. Yes, I'm reaching out to people as much as I can manage and as much as they'll let me. Things are just very very very dark right now. I feel hopeless, angry, frustrated and discouraged. I've been crying myself to sleep at night. I'm desperately trying to hold on, even though every single fiber of my being wants to let go.
For anyone who read all of this, thank you for letting me get everything out. I'm sorry it was so heavy.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
A Breakthrough
So, there seems to have been a little bit of a breakthrough with things. As many of you know, I've been talking about this "heaviness" and "darkness" that have plagued me, even though everything has been fine, and it's been incredibly frustrating. Well, my therapist and a colleague or hers had this new theory and so they were going to try something new in therapy.
This theory sort of sounds a little silly, but bear with me. So my therapist's colleague was calling it a "critter." Her theory was that this "critter" creeped into my system when I was hurt and broken and just grew and grew, mostly absorbing any negative energy that was around me. It also turns out that my self-harm part and suicidal part were inviting it in, but not consciously. Both those parts have been around so long, they don't know what to do if that heaviness and darkness weren't there. They also felt like I wanted to get rid of them, so I guess they kind of freaked out. Which, to be far, I did want to get rid of them, but my therapist said I have to look at it a different way. I have to accept that it's always going to have a place, and that it played a huge role in who I've become, but it doesn't need to actively work so hard.
So in therapy, we worked on "expelling" this negative energy. I had to do all these exercises to get those parts to let go of the heaviness and darkness and I had to expel it to the universe where it could be "cared for, but not get back into my system." After we did this, I genuinely could feel a difference. When I walked into therapy that day, the heaviness was at a 5ish, when I was done, it was more like 2 or even 1. This isn't a "one and done" deal. Anytime this negative energy tries to creep back in, I'm going to have to do some exercises to expel it. And my self-harm and suicidal parts are so used to having to work so hard, they don't really know what to do. Today, I felt better than I have for a long, long, time; probably ever actually. It was a little tiring, I'm not used to feeling like that, so I had a lot of energy. Those self-harm/suicidal parts/thoughts are still there a little bit, but they're there out of habit, and slowly, they should be less present. I was feeling good at work today and was sharing some of this with one of my managers and he took a minute and celebrated with me and it felt nice lol. Not just that I felt good, but that I've had managers who have been so supportive and caring that they celebrate in my victories with me.
Something else happened recently that was a HUGE step for me. The Front Desk Manager position at our property recently became vacant. As soon as I knew what happened, I immediately logged into my google account at work (I keep my resume on my google drive) and printed my resume. I went back to my manager and handed it to her and said I wanted to be considered for the replacement. She said they weren't going to be posting/filling the position for a little while until some other things settle down first, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I was going to lose my nerve. I never put myself out there like that. I've never had the confidence to do something like that either. Every day I work, I try to take on some more responsibilities. I've already started doing several things the previous FD manager was doing, I figure the more I know and the more I'm already doing when they make the decision, the better my chances of getting it. Then this weekend, I talked to both my general and assistant managers and I asked them, "If you had to fill the position today, what concerns would you have about giving me the job?" They both gave me some feedback, there wasn't anything major they seemed concerned about, but gave me some helpful comments, and since they're not filling the position for awhile, I have some time to work on anything they're concerned about :-) All of this was a HUGE thing for me. My therapist was really impressed and I'm really proud. Even if I don't get the job, I'm okay with it. This was so much progress for me, that I don't care if I don't get it. (I mean I do care, but I'm okay with whatever happens lol)
This theory sort of sounds a little silly, but bear with me. So my therapist's colleague was calling it a "critter." Her theory was that this "critter" creeped into my system when I was hurt and broken and just grew and grew, mostly absorbing any negative energy that was around me. It also turns out that my self-harm part and suicidal part were inviting it in, but not consciously. Both those parts have been around so long, they don't know what to do if that heaviness and darkness weren't there. They also felt like I wanted to get rid of them, so I guess they kind of freaked out. Which, to be far, I did want to get rid of them, but my therapist said I have to look at it a different way. I have to accept that it's always going to have a place, and that it played a huge role in who I've become, but it doesn't need to actively work so hard.
So in therapy, we worked on "expelling" this negative energy. I had to do all these exercises to get those parts to let go of the heaviness and darkness and I had to expel it to the universe where it could be "cared for, but not get back into my system." After we did this, I genuinely could feel a difference. When I walked into therapy that day, the heaviness was at a 5ish, when I was done, it was more like 2 or even 1. This isn't a "one and done" deal. Anytime this negative energy tries to creep back in, I'm going to have to do some exercises to expel it. And my self-harm and suicidal parts are so used to having to work so hard, they don't really know what to do. Today, I felt better than I have for a long, long, time; probably ever actually. It was a little tiring, I'm not used to feeling like that, so I had a lot of energy. Those self-harm/suicidal parts/thoughts are still there a little bit, but they're there out of habit, and slowly, they should be less present. I was feeling good at work today and was sharing some of this with one of my managers and he took a minute and celebrated with me and it felt nice lol. Not just that I felt good, but that I've had managers who have been so supportive and caring that they celebrate in my victories with me.
Something else happened recently that was a HUGE step for me. The Front Desk Manager position at our property recently became vacant. As soon as I knew what happened, I immediately logged into my google account at work (I keep my resume on my google drive) and printed my resume. I went back to my manager and handed it to her and said I wanted to be considered for the replacement. She said they weren't going to be posting/filling the position for a little while until some other things settle down first, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I was going to lose my nerve. I never put myself out there like that. I've never had the confidence to do something like that either. Every day I work, I try to take on some more responsibilities. I've already started doing several things the previous FD manager was doing, I figure the more I know and the more I'm already doing when they make the decision, the better my chances of getting it. Then this weekend, I talked to both my general and assistant managers and I asked them, "If you had to fill the position today, what concerns would you have about giving me the job?" They both gave me some feedback, there wasn't anything major they seemed concerned about, but gave me some helpful comments, and since they're not filling the position for awhile, I have some time to work on anything they're concerned about :-) All of this was a HUGE thing for me. My therapist was really impressed and I'm really proud. Even if I don't get the job, I'm okay with it. This was so much progress for me, that I don't care if I don't get it. (I mean I do care, but I'm okay with whatever happens lol)
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